Author Topic: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?  (Read 6184 times)

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JeseC

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Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« on: April 18, 2013, 10:11:03 PM »
So here's a question.  I have a family member with some items that I've explicitly been told were being saved up for my wedding.  The problem is, the farther along I go, the less likely the occurrence of that particular event appears.  And in any case if it does occur it's quite liable to be later in my life.  Would it be rude to ask for the items to be given on another occasion?

LeveeWoman

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2013, 10:19:28 PM »
So here's a question.  I have a family member with some items that I've explicitly been told were being saved up for my wedding.  The problem is, the farther along I go, the less likely the occurrence of that particular event appears.  And in any case if it does occur it's quite liable to be later in my life.  Would it be rude to ask for the items to be given on another occasion?

Could you be a little more explicit?

delabela

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2013, 10:20:12 PM »
Well, depending on the item, I think it would probably be ok to say something like you know that the item is intended for your wedding, but you would dearly love to put it to good use and see it cherished (I guess I'm thinking of some sort of family heirloom like a quilt). 

NyaChan

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2013, 10:22:50 PM »
Depends on the family member/relationship and the items in question. Can you be more specific?

weeblewobble

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2013, 10:23:00 PM »
I think it depends on what those items are.  I will say that my sister effectively "lost" my great-grandmother's wedding band by waiting until her wedding to receive it.  She inherited the ring in great-grandma's will.  My grandmother told Sis that she would hold onto the ring in her safety deposit box until Sis was ready to marry.  (Sis was only 17 at the time.) 

Five years later, Sis gets engaged and goes to grandma and asks for the ring, only for grandma to have no recollection of keeping the ring.  She insists that she gave it to our mom for safe-keeping.  Our mom simply wouldn't do this because she wouldn't want to risk losing the ring.  If it had been offered to her, she would have asked grandma to keep it.  This was during a period where grandma was getting more forgetful about things and getting really defensive when questioned about it.  So insisting that she had the ring did no good and came very close to starting an all out feud.  Sis dropped the subject.  We still haven't found the ring.

My point?  Maybe it's better to ask for the items now, instead of leaving them to the whims of fate.

JeseC

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2013, 10:25:19 PM »
It's a set of rings that belonged to my grandmother.  They're the only item that we really have from her, and I'm the only girl of my generation on that side of the family.  It's something I'd very much like to have, even though I didn't know her personally, because they're part of the family history.  My mother (her only daughter) has been keeping them for my wedding.

delabela

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2013, 10:33:21 PM »
Ah, ok.  Then I definitely think it would be ok to approach your mom (if you have a generally ok relationship) and say something like "hey, you know, I know you were hoping to give me grandmother's rings for my wedding, but I'm feeling pretty settled in my life right now, and I'd really like to honor her by wearing them now" or something. 

KB

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2013, 11:16:01 PM »
Could you think of another occasion to ask the family member for them then? Significant birthday? College graduation? New job? New house? Then pose your question using the words delabela suggested. The family member can only say 'no'.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2013, 11:22:44 PM »
Hmm, tough one. My view is that the heirloom rings are a conditional gift. The condition is of course, that you get married. I think it might be a little rude if you attempt to "do away" with the condition. In other words, you're trying to get the benefit of the rings, without fulfilling the condition.

JeseC

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2013, 11:46:35 PM »
Hmm, tough one. My view is that the heirloom rings are a conditional gift. The condition is of course, that you get married. I think it might be a little rude if you attempt to "do away" with the condition. In other words, you're trying to get the benefit of the rings, without fulfilling the condition.

I'm not sure how much of it's conditional and how much of it's just an assumption problem, though.  I always got the impression that it was a "when you get married", not "if you get married", simply because of the general assumption that getting married is a thing everyone does sooner or later.

thedudeabides

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2013, 10:12:14 AM »
I read through some of your old posts. You and your mom don't appear to get along at all, and you have been trying to distance yourself from her. As a result, now might not be the most sensible time to ask her for something without giving her the impression that you want little to do with her unless she has something you want. Establish your independence and then ask her.

sarahj21

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2013, 10:14:43 AM »
What will happen to the rings if the OP doesn't ever marry? She is the only granddaughter so will they go to a grandson? Will they skip a generation and go to the first great-granddaughter? Can the OP enjoy them until the first great-granddaughter (i.e. hers or her brothers'/cousins' daughter) gets married?

I think the OP should ask if she can have the rings until a girl in the next generation of her family gets married. :) That way she gets her turn of enjoying them and they get passed along again to stay in the family.

jaxsue

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2013, 10:16:56 AM »
I read through some of your old posts. You and your mom don't appear to get along at all, and you have been trying to distance yourself from her. As a result, now might not be the most sensible time to ask her for something without giving her the impression that you want little to do with her unless she has something you want. Establish your independence and then ask her.

This.

Twik

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2013, 10:22:34 AM »
I agree with thedudeabides - in this particular situation, it's probably not a good idea to ask.

However, I think that considering society nowadays, expecting people to wait "until you get married" for sentimental items is unfair. JeseC says "I'm the only girl of my generation on that side of the family" - what happens if she never marries? Do they go to someone without the same family connection? What if she lives common-law? Does that count?

And as another poster mentioned, leaving them in some sort of indefinite storage may mean that they somehow disappear when looked for. Not necessarily through malice, but just through people not keeping track of them.
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Winterlight

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2013, 10:34:54 AM »
I read through some of your old posts. You and your mom don't appear to get along at all, and you have been trying to distance yourself from her. As a result, now might not be the most sensible time to ask her for something without giving her the impression that you want little to do with her unless she has something you want. Establish your independence and then ask her.

Agreed. Asking from a position of strength would be much better for you both.
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