Author Topic: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?  (Read 5250 times)

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Visiting Crazy Town

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2013, 10:37:54 AM »
It sounds like these were not ring that  were left  to you, but that they are your mom's rings and your mom stated that  since you were the only girl she would give them to you when you were married. so no I don't think that  you  should ask for them.

JeseC

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2013, 10:51:05 AM »
I read through some of your old posts. You and your mom don't appear to get along at all, and you have been trying to distance yourself from her. As a result, now might not be the most sensible time to ask her for something without giving her the impression that you want little to do with her unless she has something you want. Establish your independence and then ask her.

Yeah, I was actually more curious than anything - I wouldn't do it right now because we're in the process of catproofing and I'm moving soon enough and there would just be too many ways for something to get lost.  But I just wanted to know what the etiquette of it would be.

I agree with thedudeabides - in this particular situation, it's probably not a good idea to ask.

However, I think that considering society nowadays, expecting people to wait "until you get married" for sentimental items is unfair. JeseC says "I'm the only girl of my generation on that side of the family" - what happens if she never marries? Do they go to someone without the same family connection? What if she lives common-law? Does that count?

And as another poster mentioned, leaving them in some sort of indefinite storage may mean that they somehow disappear when looked for. Not necessarily through malice, but just through people not keeping track of them.

Common-law would actually be a big deal, and I know I wouldn't ask then, because I know that's the sort of situation my family would find offensive.  And I think that's part of what's playing into the assumption - that people who aren't married tend to get into situations that my family wouldn't support.  But that's not the case here.

JeseC

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2013, 11:04:53 AM »
It sounds like these were not ring that  were left  to you, but that they are your mom's rings and your mom stated that  since you were the only girl she would give them to you when you were married. so no I don't think that  you  should ask for them.

They're definitely my mother's rings.  I'm more wondering because my impression of the situation is more "I'd like you to have these at some point, and your wedding would be a great time to give them".  Like I said, I doubt it even crossed anyone's mind that I might not get married, especially not in the way it's actually looking.

Lynn2000

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2013, 11:17:43 AM »
In this particular person's situation it sounds like there's some backstory that could change things, so I won't comment on that. In general I think it depends on the "conditions" of the original bequest, which may be really informal and open to the interpretation of the person actually holding the items, so I think I would start with a conversation about the items, rather than a request for the items.

Like if it was good china, for example, one could say, "You know, I really miss seeing Grandma's china set out at family gatherings. Remember how Uncle Joe always got the plate with the chip in it, because he dropped it as a kid? Ha ha. Do you think we could maybe get it out and use it at the next gathering you host? I'd really like to see it and I could come over and help you wash it if that's the problem."

And if their reaction is to be horrified and scandalized that you want the china to see the light of day before you walk down the aisle and receive it as a wedding gift, well, you can still make your request, but you know it will be an uphill battle. If they seem amenable to using the china "early," you can segue into, "You know, I've really been looking forward to using the china myself, and I entertain a lot and have a good place to store it. Would it be okay if I took it and just started using it now?"

Kind of asking yourself, and the guardian, if Grandma would rather see the stuff be loved and used now, or she would really have preferred it wait until a wedding--your wedding, another descendant's wedding, etc.. Or if you could use it until the next wedding, at which point you would hand it over to the newly-married descendant if they want it. I could see it depending a lot on the item, too. Rings, for example--if they are nice, "wedding/engagement"-type rings, maybe some family members wouldn't feel comfortable seeing them used as "fashion" rings, even with great sentiment attached; and they probably don't take much room to store, so maybe they'd rather just wait for a wedding. But if it's a set of furniture, that's taking up space/collecting dust in someone else's house, and "you" are buying a new, empty house that the furniture would look great in, maybe they would be happy to give it to you now.
~Lynn2000

Cami

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2013, 02:04:02 PM »
It sounds like these were not ring that  were left  to you, but that they are your mom's rings and your mom stated that  since you were the only girl she would give them to you when you were married. so no I don't think that  you  should ask for them.

They're definitely my mother's rings.  I'm more wondering because my impression of the situation is more "I'd like you to have these at some point, and your wedding would be a great time to give them".  Like I said, I doubt it even crossed anyone's mind that I might not get married, especially not in the way it's actually looking.
  If they are definitely your mother's rings, she gets to decide when or if to give them to you. I don't think it's appropriate to ask for a gift from someone.

I can see that if you and your mom have a conversation at some point about what you consider the unlikelihood of marriage in your future, you can drop a comment about the rings to see what her response might be and proceed from there.

I have empathy as I was promised a beautiful antique pin by my grandmother for my 21st birthday. She had it sitting in her jewelry box for years and had actually never worn it. Unfortunately, just a few months before that birthday, her home was robbed and the pin stolen, so I never had a chance to wear it. Nonetheless, even though she wasn't using it, as it were, it would not have been appropriate to ask for it as I don't think a recipient should demand their gift. 

TurtleDove

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #20 on: April 19, 2013, 02:40:58 PM »
I agree that these are your mother's rings and it would be wrong to ask for them. That said, it strikes me as odd that they would be saved to be given to a woman when she gets married as opposed to a man to give to his fiance when he proposes (if the idea is to use the rings as the engagement and wedding ring as opposed to just jewelry).  I don't really understand why the rings would be tied to the OP's wedding.

rose red

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2013, 03:04:19 PM »
I agree that these are your mother's rings and it would be wrong to ask for them. That said, it strikes me as odd that they would be saved to be given to a woman when she gets married as opposed to a man to give to his fiance when he proposes (if the idea is to use the rings as the engagement and wedding ring as opposed to just jewelry).  I don't really understand why the rings would be tied to the OP's wedding.

This is what I was just thinking and seems odd to me too.  It would be nice to have grandma's wedding set, but having it in general and not tied to the recipient's own wedding. 

ilrag

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2013, 04:46:14 PM »
OP, how old are you? 

ClaireC79

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #23 on: April 19, 2013, 05:15:37 PM »
It could be seen as a way of including Grandma on the wedding day

SiotehCat

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #24 on: April 19, 2013, 05:34:55 PM »
It sounds like these were not ring that  were left  to you, but that they are your mom's rings and your mom stated that  since you were the only girl she would give them to you when you were married. so no I don't think that  you  should ask for them.

They're definitely my mother's rings.  I'm more wondering because my impression of the situation is more "I'd like you to have these at some point, and your wedding would be a great time to give them".  Like I said, I doubt it even crossed anyone's mind that I might not get married, especially not in the way it's actually looking.
  If they are definitely your mother's rings, she gets to decide when or if to give them to you. I don't think it's appropriate to ask for a gift from someone.

I agree with this.

JeseC

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #25 on: April 19, 2013, 06:02:38 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Moray

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2013, 06:12:55 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Too young to know what?

I agree with PPs that you really ought not to ask for the rings.
Utah

WillyNilly

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #27 on: April 19, 2013, 06:16:55 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Then send me to ehell. You are too young to know what your future holds. Heck at 50 a person doesn't know what the next 10-20-30 years holds for them. Maybe by 90 a person might be able to accurately predict to an extent what their next few years will be like, but even then there is no guarantee. Life is a journey along an ever changing path. No one knows what their life will be like down the road. You can guess and you can plan but the reality is you don't know.

JeseC

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #28 on: April 19, 2013, 06:18:41 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Too young to know what?

I agree with PPs that you really ought not to ask for the rings.

Usually I get told "Don't be silly, you're young, of course you'll get married!  Everyone wants to get married!"

Honestly, if I'm not old enough to know, then people my age shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I'm old enough to know that I want to make a life-long commitment to another person, but not old enough to know that I want not to.  Especially since I'm also old enough and seriously considering making an actual commitment NOT to.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2013, 06:20:47 PM by JeseC »

SiotehCat

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Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #29 on: April 19, 2013, 06:22:04 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Too young to know what?

I agree with PPs that you really ought not to ask for the rings.

Usually I get told "Don't be silly, you're young, of course you'll get married!  Everyone wants to get married!"

Honestly, if I'm not old enough to know, then people my age shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I'm old enough to know that I want to make a life-long commitment to another person, but not old enough to know that I want not to.  Especially since I'm also old enough and seriously considering making an actual commitment NOT to.

But you don't know if you will get married. You say this in your original post. You said that you are "liable to get married later". So, I dont understand.