Author Topic: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?  (Read 6154 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Moray

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1869
  • My hovercraft is full of eels!
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #30 on: April 19, 2013, 06:26:15 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Too young to know what?

I agree with PPs that you really ought not to ask for the rings.

Usually I get told "Don't be silly, you're young, of course you'll get married!  Everyone wants to get married!"

Honestly, if I'm not old enough to know, then people my age shouldn't be allowed to get married.

Well, you can know what you want now, but you honestly don't know what your life holds or what choices you might make in the future. I tend to steer clear of those sort of platitudes for that reason. It makes me sound self-important and naiive. All you can actually say is that you can't imagine it right now, or don't see yourself changing your mind :)

Your marriage plans don't matter, though. At all. All that matters is that they're your mom's rings and she doesn't have to give them to you even if you do get married some day, so asking right now would be coming from a misplaced sense of entitlement.
Utah

rose red

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7552
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #31 on: April 19, 2013, 06:32:09 PM »
Lets not derail this thread about the OP's age and how she does or does not know what she wants.

The issue is the ring belongs to the mother and I don't think the OP should ask for it right now.  Maybe in the future when the timing is better since it appears there is currently some issues in the relationship.

JeseC

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 339
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #32 on: April 19, 2013, 06:33:10 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Too young to know what?

I agree with PPs that you really ought not to ask for the rings.

Usually I get told "Don't be silly, you're young, of course you'll get married!  Everyone wants to get married!"

Honestly, if I'm not old enough to know, then people my age shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I'm old enough to know that I want to make a life-long commitment to another person, but not old enough to know that I want not to.  Especially since I'm also old enough and seriously considering making an actual commitment NOT to.

But you don't know if you will get married. You say this in your original post. You said that you are "liable to get married later". So, I dont understand.

I said, if I were to get married, it would be much later.  That's not incompatible with knowing that I'm not going to - I'm about as certain of it as I am of anything in my future.

Honestly, if it were to be the case that they were only be given to me on marriage, I wouldn't accept them.  I don't take that sort of "gift."

SiotehCat

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3697
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #33 on: April 19, 2013, 06:37:16 PM »
I think you are free to decline the gift in that case.

They are your mothers rings and she can give them whenever she is ready to. If you are not going to want them, then I would let her know that. She might want to pass them on to another family member.

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #34 on: April 19, 2013, 06:38:58 PM »
Honestly, if it were to be the case that they were only be given to me on marriage, I wouldn't accept them.  I don't take that sort of "gift."

So is that your real question? How to ask your mom if they really are only going to be given to you if and when you marry?  Because it seems like its already been told to you that's the case and you admit they are your mom's rings, not yours and just being held for you.

JeseC

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 339
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #35 on: April 19, 2013, 06:44:21 PM »
Honestly, if it were to be the case that they were only be given to me on marriage, I wouldn't accept them.  I don't take that sort of "gift."

So is that your real question? How to ask your mom if they really are only going to be given to you if and when you marry?  Because it seems like its already been told to you that's the case and you admit they are your mom's rings, not yours and just being held for you.

See, that's not entirely clear to me.  Like I said, I think my mother tends to operate under the assumption that everyone is planning on getting married at some point.  Or at the very least, that people who aren't getting married are doing it because they're engaging in a sort of lifestyle of which she wouldn't approve, which I am quite clearly not.  My impression was that it was more of a "I'd like you to have something of my mother's at some point, and your wedding would be a great time to give it," and less "these are something for you, but only if you get married."  I wouldn't appreciate the latter because it would come across as too much about my lifestyle choices (you have to get married if you want anything from your grandmother!), so I wouldn't accept it.

wolfie

  • I don't know what this is so I am putting random words here
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6872
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #36 on: April 19, 2013, 06:44:37 PM »
OP, how old are you?

25

(Any comments about being "too young to know" will get the speaker their very own e-hell ticket!  I've heard that one often enough already.)

Too young to know what?

I agree with PPs that you really ought not to ask for the rings.

Usually I get told "Don't be silly, you're young, of course you'll get married!  Everyone wants to get married!"

Honestly, if I'm not old enough to know, then people my age shouldn't be allowed to get married.  I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I'm old enough to know that I want to make a life-long commitment to another person, but not old enough to know that I want not to.  Especially since I'm also old enough and seriously considering making an actual commitment NOT to.

I think there is a difference between "you don't know you will never get married" and "you know you never want to get married"

The first implies you think you will never meet someone you want to marry  - and you just can't know that.
The second implies you don't care who you meet - marriage is something you want no part of - and you can know that.

I

Moray

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1869
  • My hovercraft is full of eels!
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #37 on: April 19, 2013, 06:46:47 PM »
Honestly, if it were to be the case that they were only be given to me on marriage, I wouldn't accept them.  I don't take that sort of "gift."

So is that your real question? How to ask your mom if they really are only going to be given to you if and when you marry?  Because it seems like its already been told to you that's the case and you admit they are your mom's rings, not yours and just being held for you.

See, that's not entirely clear to me.  Like I said, I think my mother tends to operate under the assumption that everyone is planning on getting married at some point.  Or at the very least, that people who aren't getting married are doing it because they're engaging in a sort of lifestyle of which she wouldn't approve, which I am quite clearly not.  My impression was that it was more of a "I'd like you to have something of my mother's at some point, and your wedding would be a great time to give it," and less "these are something for you, but only if you get married."  I wouldn't appreciate the latter because it would come across as too much about my lifestyle choices (you have to get married if you want anything from your grandmother!), so I wouldn't accept it.

So, are you looking for ways to ask your mom that?

Because I honestly don't see that going well. For one, it implies you have some right to the rings, which is a false assumption. Additionally, you say you're actively trying to get out of your mom's emotional clutches. You'd just be giving her ammo right now.
Utah

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #38 on: April 19, 2013, 07:02:16 PM »
Honestly, if it were to be the case that they were only be given to me on marriage, I wouldn't accept them.  I don't take that sort of "gift."

So is that your real question? How to ask your mom if they really are only going to be given to you if and when you marry?  Because it seems like its already been told to you that's the case and you admit they are your mom's rings, not yours and just being held for you.

See, that's not entirely clear to me.  Like I said, I think my mother tends to operate under the assumption that everyone is planning on getting married at some point.  Or at the very least, that people who aren't getting married are doing it because they're engaging in a sort of lifestyle of which she wouldn't approve, which I am quite clearly not.  My impression was that it was more of a "I'd like you to have something of my mother's at some point, and your wedding would be a great time to give it," and less "these are something for you, but only if you get married."  I wouldn't appreciate the latter because it would come across as too much about my lifestyle choices (you have to get married if you want anything from your grandmother!), so I wouldn't accept it.

Well what kind of non-married commitment are you about to make?  Will it be public/known? Is it something your mother approves of?

Especially since I'm also old enough and seriously considering making an actual commitment NOT to.

Like if you are about to take your vows to become a nun, that might qualify to her as a big enough thing to equate to a marriage (although I guess the vow of poverty and your grandmother rings don't really mesh...)

I think its also important to take into account that you are talking about your grandmother's wedding rings, right?  Its actually perfectly reasonable to think they would only be passed on in the event of the death of the owner or in the event of a new marriage - since they are a symbol and instrument specifically of marriage. In general I can agree with your distaste of the idea of making a gift conditional on something like "when you get married" because not everyone does, but I think in the case of something wedding/marriage related its a lot more reasonable.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2013, 07:04:09 PM by WillyNilly »

JeseC

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 339
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #39 on: April 19, 2013, 07:11:22 PM »
Yes, I was considering a religious commitment - which is something that my family would probably find odd and not know quite know what to make of, but wouldn't disapprove of.  The big issue for them is "no extra-marital scrabble."

I should also mention that the direct family line is rather shy on descendants - in fact, I think the only other grandchild is a son over in England that the family (his father included) almost never sees.  I'd actually be perfectly happy even to know that I would inherit the rings, but I don't want to see them sold or distributed as part of the estate like most of my grandmother's stuff was.  I wouldn't mind seeing them given to someone else but I'm at a loss as to who else in the family they could go to.

(Just as an aside, I think a lot of vows of poverty make exceptions for things like this.)
« Last Edit: April 19, 2013, 07:15:05 PM by JeseC »

WillyNilly

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 7490
  • Mmmmm, food
    • The World as I Taste It
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #40 on: April 19, 2013, 07:20:31 PM »
Well i think its perfectly reasonable to say to your mother, perhaps when telling her about your commitment to the church, "obviously this means I very well might never marry. But you know I would like to put it out there that I would truly appreciate if I could still someday inherit grandma's rings. They are something I would cherish as a personal memory of her and I would hate to see them sold off if there ever comes a time when you no longer have them in your possession."

Poppea

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2457
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #41 on: April 19, 2013, 08:03:22 PM »
Yes, I was considering a religious commitment - which is something that my family would probably find odd and not know quite know what to make of, but wouldn't disapprove of.  The big issue for them is "no extra-marital scrabble."

I should also mention that the direct family line is rather shy on descendants - in fact, I think the only other grandchild is a son over in England that the family (his father included) almost never sees.  I'd actually be perfectly happy even to know that I would inherit the rings, but I don't want to see them sold or distributed as part of the estate like most of my grandmother's stuff was.  I wouldn't mind seeing them given to someone else but I'm at a loss as to who else in the family they could go to.

(Just as an aside, I think a lot of vows of poverty make exceptions for things like this.)

I thought becoming a nun was considered a marriage?  The nuns I know all wear wedding rings and consider themselves brides of Christ.  I think you should wait a bit and when things calm down with your mother you can ask her about the rings.

cass2591

  • Global Moderator
  • *****
  • Posts: 3350
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #42 on: April 19, 2013, 08:17:23 PM »
OP, considering your contentious relationship with your mother, I don't understand why you'd want to bring this up now considering that it doesn't seem to be an urgent matter.

I would wait for smoother waters before approaching this subject.
There is no pie in Nighthawks, which is why it's such a desolate image. ~ Happy Stomach

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. ~ Mark Twain

Adopting a pet won't change the world, but it will change the world for that pet.

JeseC

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 339
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #43 on: April 19, 2013, 08:22:41 PM »
Yes, I was considering a religious commitment - which is something that my family would probably find odd and not know quite know what to make of, but wouldn't disapprove of.  The big issue for them is "no extra-marital scrabble."

I should also mention that the direct family line is rather shy on descendants - in fact, I think the only other grandchild is a son over in England that the family (his father included) almost never sees.  I'd actually be perfectly happy even to know that I would inherit the rings, but I don't want to see them sold or distributed as part of the estate like most of my grandmother's stuff was.  I wouldn't mind seeing them given to someone else but I'm at a loss as to who else in the family they could go to.

(Just as an aside, I think a lot of vows of poverty make exceptions for things like this.)

I thought becoming a nun was considered a marriage?  The nuns I know all wear wedding rings and consider themselves brides of Christ.  I think you should wait a bit and when things calm down with your mother you can ask her about the rings.

It's...hard to explain.  Basically, my family is from a branch of Christianity that doesn't recognize nuns and such.  While I don't think they'd be opposed to the decision, I don't think it's the sort of thing they'd really grasp.  Other than marriage, the idea of permanent vows is pretty foreign to them.

Tia

  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 30
  • My Papa always said "If it hurts dont do it"
Re: Asking for something that's being saved for your wedding?
« Reply #44 on: April 24, 2013, 09:03:03 PM »
This is by no means telling you you're too young to say never, I'm 30 and I wonder if I'm too young to say forever :)

But my best friend, who was 33, got her grandmothers rings when she was engaged. Long story short the wedding never came around, with good reason. But she kept the rings, and wore them, for years. In doing so they lost all  the meaning her grandmother had intended for her in that gift. Rather than them being a symbol, to uphold the same promise for her, that they had upheld for her grandparents life time of love, they became a symbol for the memory of her grandmothers loss.

They still meant a great deal to her, but they did not mean to her what her grandmother had wished, nor did they seem to suit the purpose any more once she did meet someone she did marry.

Jesse, maybe it's the romantic in me but I think I would kind of like that little vow of confidence hanging out there in the universe, that if the day ever came, I'd have that piece of history to commemorate it, to continue the commitment it was made to uphold.

In the mean time a conversation with mom, telling her their importance, and asking that they not be sold if you never get around to marrying, should still find them in your possession one day.