Author Topic: Texting Rudeness?  (Read 5702 times)

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gena264

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Texting Rudeness?
« on: April 19, 2013, 10:01:37 AM »
I posted about a friend before who had a somewhat irritating way of texting. For a bit of background, we knew each other in HS and started emailing on facebook and then exchanged numbers to text as it was easier. This is a male friend (if that matters, I am not sure) and I am female. Anyway, we have been catching up again on old classmates and he initiates almost all of our texting conversations. During the course of long conversations he will sometimes say ,"brb', and then not return. That is pretty irritating but I can understand that somewhat when we have been texting for some time.

 Here is what I don't understand. He sent me a text at 10pm my time a few days ago (he is two hours behind me, so 8pm his time). It was late and I didn't feel like talking so I didn't respond. His text simply said , "hi!". The next night at around 7 pm his time he texts me , "or not". I reply back right away with , "hi, sorry". he replies back no problem he is just BBQ ing his dinner. We make small talk for maybe 2 texts back and forth and then he asks if he can text me back later as he is just getting ready to eat. I say sure, and he says , "be back shortly" and never returns.

First of all, why text if you know in 2 minutes you are going to have to go eat? Why say you will be back shortly and never return?

I just don't understand the whole initiating a conversation when you know you can't talk in the first place? Is this how most people text? For me, if I am texting someone and that is our only means of conversation (we don't see each other in person or talk on the phone) , I am texting to TALK , much like a phone call. I wouldn't call someone to say hi if I know I am getting ready to sit down to dinner (or start to drive, or go into work) , I would wait until I had time to actually talk . It's like calling someone and saying hi, how are you? That's good, well gotta go eat dinner now, I'll call you back, and then I don't even call back.. what's the point? Is this rude texting behavior?

artk2002

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2013, 10:28:58 AM »
I think that your core problem is that you are treating texting like an actual conversation. One of the beauties of texting is that you don't have to answer immediately. I'll use it for short discussions, like negotiating carpooling with my ex, but that's about it. If I want to have a sustained conversation, then I'll use the phone.

I don't really see anything wrong with the exchange in your 2nd paragraph. You didn't have to respond to the ', or not', just as you didn't respond to the initial reply. He wanted a brief exchange with a break in it. Again, that's the beauty of texting.
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laceandbits

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2013, 11:02:13 AM »
Texts are a bit like e-mails as when you send them you have no idea when they'll be received, if the person you are texting is asleep, or eating or at the movies, so if you want to use texts instead of talking, you just have to wait until both of you both happen to be free at the same time.  But if I wanted a "conversation" I certainly would prefer to talk than text which even with abbreviations is soooo slow and with no subtleties of meaning.  I text only if I need a chance at an answer very quickly, but it's not appropriate to phone or email.  My daughter when at work would be a good example.

Regarding brb and other similar expressions of getting back to you, they need to be taken with an enormous pinch of salt or ignored altogether.  In the same way as in real life "I'll be there in a minute" is never 60 seconds.  And the really irritating and increasingly common in the UK, "see ya later" from a shop assistant, for example, who you will probably never see again. 

But as it obviously annoys you as much as it would me, just make sure you never do it from your end; if you say brb, then brb.  I would put about 15 minutes max on that one for it to be true.  Be back shortly, maybe an hour.  Any longer just say you're having a busy time and will catch up another day.  Anything over an hour and it's all too easy for other things to distract you so even if you had the best of intentions, you forget all about the texting.

gena264

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2013, 11:12:00 AM »
Texts are a bit like e-mails as when you send them you have no idea when they'll be received, if the person you are texting is asleep, or eating or at the movies, so if you want to use texts instead of talking, you just have to wait until both of you both happen to be free at the same time.  But if I wanted a "conversation" I certainly would prefer to talk than text which even with abbreviations is soooo slow and with no subtleties of meaning.  I text only if I need a chance at an answer very quickly, but it's not appropriate to phone or email.  My daughter when at work would be a good example.

Regarding brb and other similar expressions of getting back to you, they need to be taken with an enormous pinch of salt or ignored altogether.  In the same way as in real life "I'll be there in a minute" is never 60 seconds.  And the really irritating and increasingly common in the UK, "see ya later" from a shop assistant, for example, who you will probably never see again. 

But as it obviously annoys you as much as it would me, just make sure you never do it from your end; if you say brb, then brb.  I would put about 15 minutes max on that one for it to be true.  Be back shortly, maybe an hour.  Any longer just say you're having a busy time and will catch up another day.  Anything over an hour and it's all too easy for other things to distract you so even if you had the best of intentions, you forget all about the texting.

Right, that is something else I don't get. If I say brb, I mean I will literally brb in about 15 minutes tops, like you said. IF it turns out I can't or something comes up, then I send a text back saying so to the person so they aren't left wondering where I went.  It seems like the polite thing to do...

I also understand a bit better now when you said that when sending a text, you don't know when it will be received. So I guess in this case, he sent the , "or not", text, and maybe didn't think I would reply back right away. I don't know, he does have a habit of seemingly always initiating texts, then having to 'brb', and then disappears for days and it starts all over again.

CakeBeret

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2013, 11:29:50 AM »
Well, I'll contradict Art. I think it's kind of asinine to strike up a text conversation and then 2 minutes later drop it. Sometimes I will text a friend when I don't have time to talk but I need to say something specific, but that's different from starting up a "Hi, how are ya" chitchat 2 minutes before you have to go.

I would call the situation weird and a little annoying, but I'm not sure it really crosses the line into rude.
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EllenS

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2013, 05:29:09 PM »
Coming from the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I can't imagine using text to "converse" with someone when you are both on your phones. Why not just talk by voice instead of typing? 

To me, texts are like putting sticky-notes on someone's desk or on the fridge.  "don't forget the milk" "leaving late, see you at 6:30".  "call me when you get home" Live-chat texting seems like two people leaving notes for each other when they are in the same room and could just talk.

Sharnita

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2013, 05:30:16 PM »
Coming from the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I can't imagine using text to "converse" with someone when you are both on your phones. Why not just talk by voice instead of typing? 

To me, texts are like putting sticky-notes on someone's desk or on the fridge.  "don't forget the milk" "leaving late, see you at 6:30".  "call me when you get home" Live-chat texting seems like two people leaving notes for each other when they are in the same room and could just talk.

I tend to look at it the same way.

NyaChan

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2013, 10:10:13 PM »
Coming from the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I can't imagine using text to "converse" with someone when you are both on your phones. Why not just talk by voice instead of typing? 

To me, texts are like putting sticky-notes on someone's desk or on the fridge.  "don't forget the milk" "leaving late, see you at 6:30".  "call me when you get home" Live-chat texting seems like two people leaving notes for each other when they are in the same room and could just talk.

I tend to look at it the same way.

I know it seems weird, but in my generation (or at least the members of it that I spend time around) it is almost considered an imposition to call someone when a text would have done just as well.  For quick questions for example it takes up more of a person's time and these days it also is a sign of familiarity with a person that may or may not actually exist.  As in I can call my close friend to talk about something lengthy, but if it is another student I'm working with on a project, I would only text or email.  If I need to call for ease's sake, I text first to ask if now is a good time.  Most people I spend time with operate under the same practices.  If I get a call from a not so close friend, my mind immediately starts wondering if something is wrong/or if there is an emergency.

MariaE

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2013, 05:35:43 AM »
I don't think either of you is in the wrong - your texting habits are just mostly incompatible.
 
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blahblahblah

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2013, 03:02:03 PM »

I know it seems weird, but in my generation (or at least the members of it that I spend time around) it is almost considered an imposition to call someone when a text would have done just as well.  For quick questions for example it takes up more of a person's time and these days it also is a sign of familiarity with a person that may or may not actually exist.  As in I can call my close friend to talk about something lengthy, but if it is another student I'm working with on a project, I would only text or email.  If I need to call for ease's sake, I text first to ask if now is a good time.  Most people I spend time with operate under the same practices.  If I get a call from a not so close friend, my mind immediately starts wondering if something is wrong/or if there is an emergency.
Yep, same here. I'm in my late twenties, to give a sense of my age demographic, and this is how texting is viewed in my circles as well. I personally don't like it, because I'm not a fan of texting, but....sigh.

DottyG

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2013, 10:37:16 PM »
I don't think either of you is in the wrong - your texting habits are just mostly incompatible.

This.


artk2002

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2013, 10:05:08 AM »
Coming from the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I can't imagine using text to "converse" with someone when you are both on your phones. Why not just talk by voice instead of typing? 

To me, texts are like putting sticky-notes on someone's desk or on the fridge.  "don't forget the milk" "leaving late, see you at 6:30".  "call me when you get home" Live-chat texting seems like two people leaving notes for each other when they are in the same room and could just talk.

I tend to look at it the same way.

I know it seems weird, but in my generation (or at least the members of it that I spend time around) it is almost considered an imposition to call someone when a text would have done just as well.  For quick questions for example it takes up more of a person's time and these days it also is a sign of familiarity with a person that may or may not actually exist.  As in I can call my close friend to talk about something lengthy, but if it is another student I'm working with on a project, I would only text or email.  If I need to call for ease's sake, I text first to ask if now is a good time.  Most people I spend time with operate under the same practices.  If I get a call from a not so close friend, my mind immediately starts wondering if something is wrong/or if there is an emergency.

It has nothing to do with generations. This is how I use texting as well and I'm 1 if not 1.5 generations ahead of you. If it's a short "Are you getting the boys or am I?" a text message is perfect (unless I need an answer in the next hour or so.) The other person may be driving or in the middle of teaching and a text allows them to respond when they can. If I want a conversation, as in "what are we going to do about #1 son's chemistry grade?" then a phone call is the right way to go.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

Rhindle

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #12 on: April 23, 2013, 10:03:07 PM »
Coming from the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I can't imagine using text to "converse" with someone when you are both on your phones. Why not just talk by voice instead of typing? 

To me, texts are like putting sticky-notes on someone's desk or on the fridge.  "don't forget the milk" "leaving late, see you at 6:30".  "call me when you get home" Live-chat texting seems like two people leaving notes for each other when they are in the same room and could just talk.

Some of us would rather read and type than speak and listen. I find it more soothing to communicate that way. I use texting both as a "note-leaving" method and as a conversation medium.

WillyNilly

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #13 on: April 23, 2013, 11:24:46 PM »
Coming from the totally opposite end of the spectrum, I can't imagine using text to "converse" with someone when you are both on your phones. Why not just talk by voice instead of typing? 

To me, texts are like putting sticky-notes on someone's desk or on the fridge.  "don't forget the milk" "leaving late, see you at 6:30".  "call me when you get home" Live-chat texting seems like two people leaving notes for each other when they are in the same room and could just talk.

Some of us would rather read and type than speak and listen. I find it more soothing to communicate that way. I use texting both as a "note-leaving" method and as a conversation medium.

Yup. 

Quite honestly I find the anti-text stance on these boards a bit holier then thou sometimes. No one has to like texting, but its not a wrong way to chat. I don't like the phone. I never liked the phone. Not back in high school in the 90's before a personal cell phone was even a far away dream let alone a reality. And now that there is texting and email, I see no reason to use the phone for pleasure ever, because its never ever pleasurable for me. heck i refused to do business with any vending vendor that wouldn't do the preliminary and follow-up business via email. I enjoy talking in person, or texting/emailing if not in person. And I'm not wrong or lesser for it. If [general] you don't like text conversations, fab for you, but you aren't a better person or conversationalist then I am for it.

But the reality is, just like in-person conversations vary in style (see the Life in General thread "How do you Converse"), so too do text conversation styles. And I think that's what this is boiling down to, a difference in style. For some people "TTYL" or "brb" means 5 minutes, others 5 days. Its ok to not like someone else's style or not mesh conversationally. Its frustrating but its a reality of life - some friend ships work out, some don't.

DottyG

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Re: Texting Rudeness?
« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2013, 01:12:29 PM »
True.

Which goes back to how MariaE summed it up.

Quote
I don't think either of you is in the wrong - your texting habits are just mostly incompatible.