Author Topic: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - updates, posts 43, 64  (Read 22187 times)

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LeveeWoman

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #30 on: April 20, 2013, 11:40:49 AM »
I missed the hospital lie.   Anyone have a link?  Difficult to search from phone.

It's in her second post.

blahblahblah

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #31 on: April 20, 2013, 12:03:41 PM »
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So why do you think "I hate you" has anything to do with not calling?  Do you have a reason to think he even meant it seriously?
Yes, he definitely meant it seriously. I mean, I doubt that he honestly, literally, 100% hates me - I think he was just lashing out - but it wasn't a joke. It is not the sort of thing he'd say as a joke. Like, he can and does tease me, but not like that.

I guess it's hard to explain since I know it can be used to jokingly rag on someone, but that's not his style of joke. (Especially since the plans I told him about involved going to see the circus, and my dad couldn't care less about the circus. He doesn't care for the theater and performance arts in general.)

grammarnerd, thank you for the sample letter! I am tempted to copy it verbatim.

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ARe you an only child?
Nope. I have an older brother. But he still lives in the same county as my parents and sees them rather frequently.

I think my parents have always been more lenient with him though. They say they don't worry about him as much because he's a boy, even though he engages in more high-risk behavior than I do.

ETA: For the posters saying that I shouldn't even give them a final email and simply give the cut-direct without saying so...believe me, I'm tempted. But if I don't explain clearly what I'm doing, I don't think my parents would even get it. I stopped talking to my mom for a while after the hospital trick, and when I finally talked to her again, she acted all innocent and was chastising me for not calling her for so long.

I briefly thought about asking my brother to act as an intermediary to let them know instead of my writing an email, but it really wouldn't be fair to drag him into the middle of this, I know!
« Last Edit: April 20, 2013, 12:27:22 PM by blahblahblah »

SPuck

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #32 on: April 20, 2013, 12:15:13 PM »
I don't think there is anything wrong with cutting off you parents at this point, temporarily or permanently. If they are getting so angry over the communication methods (and it sounds like you have tried multiple ways to make contact work and it keeps failing) that is their anxiety, their problems, their baggage.

The only problem I see with a sudden drop off the earth is how they will respond. Would they be the type to start a campaign to contact you again? Such multiple calls, contacting police, or appearing on your door step with out warning. If they lean towards the latter examples you might want to sent Grammer or WillyNilly's emails or a variation of them.

Surianne

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #33 on: April 20, 2013, 12:21:14 PM »
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So why do you think "I hate you" has anything to do with not calling?  Do you have a reason to think he even meant it seriously?
Yes, he definitely meant it seriously. I mean, I doubt that he honestly, literally, 100% hates me - I think he was just lashing out - but it wasn't a joke. It is not the sort of thing he'd say as a joke. Like, he can and does tease me, but not like that.

I guess it's hard to explain since I know it can be used to jokingly rag on someone, but that's not his style of joke. (Especially since the plans I told him about involved going to see the circus, and my dad couldn't care less about the circus. He doesn't care for the theater and performance arts in general.)

That makes sense -- you know him and what he's likely to say in jest.  What an awful thing to say in lashing out, even if he doesn't truly mean it.  I can see why you're so upset & angry about this.   

Miss Unleaded

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #34 on: April 20, 2013, 12:26:35 PM »
 :o I cannot comprehend telling someone I love that I hate them.  That is just so very, very wrong. 

If giving both of them the cut direct would make you feel less stressed, resentful and angry, you would certainly not be wrong to do so in my opinion. 

blahblahblah

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #35 on: April 20, 2013, 12:29:06 PM »
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The only problem I see with a sudden drop off the earth is how they will respond.
Yep, that is why I want to write them one final email so that they know what's going on.

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I cannot comprehend telling someone I love that I hate them.  That is just so very, very wrong. 
Well, I'm pretty sure I've told my parents that I hated them. When I was a bratty tween.  :D But it's the sort of thing one should outgrow when they're no longer a child, right?

Magnet

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #36 on: April 20, 2013, 12:33:09 PM »
OP, you have my sympathy and understanding.  I have always been the one who had to call my parents.  The phone never worked the other way.  Even on 9/11 when I worked in downtown NYC, my parents did not call me -- I had to call them.  My mom (who is now dead) pulled the "I'm sick" line in one call, and I got up from my desk, flew from NYC to Florida, only to find out that they were out to dinner.

I am appalled by the number of people who advocate cut-off.  If you continually cut yourself off from everyone, you will end up alone.  These are your parents, and while their conversation may be inane, I wager that there were a number of years that you didn't add any useful conversations  to their lives.  Inane conversations can be ok.  .

My advice would be to set up a day (I chose Tuesday at work) and call your parents.  The work factor adds a built in excuse to keep the call short.  Only you can decide what is best for your life, but cut off is an extreme decision.

Promise

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #37 on: April 20, 2013, 12:35:49 PM »
Your dad was out of line. However, if you know that your parents would like to talk with you once a week why disrespect them by not doing so? OK, so it costs you a little time, but that is not a high cost, considering they won't just be showing up at your door if they don't hear from you. Why not give them the peace and show a little love by calling for 5 minutes once a week. Honestly, I think you are being selfish in this.

Allyson

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #38 on: April 20, 2013, 12:42:37 PM »
To those who are saying she should is selfish/wrong for not calling as much as her parents want, I have to disagree. She is an adult and has as much right to compromise about contact as they do. I might agree if she was saying she never talked to them, but it sounds like she does. And I completely understand that feeling of 'oh no, I didn't call...now I'm going to get in trouble...' and putting it off a little more. They aren't exactly making it appealing to talk to them, they are making it a chore.

If I were you, I wouldn't do a permanent cut-off forever thing, that seems a bit much for this, but I would send an email basically saying, look, this was way out of line, if you 'hate' me then why do you even want contact, I'm taking a break for my own sanity. Make it more about you needing a chillout than you 'punishing' them, but definitely, with the way you're feeling, I think you're fine to take a break.

blahblahblah

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #39 on: April 20, 2013, 12:52:16 PM »
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I wager that there were a number of years that you didn't add any useful conversations  to their lives. 
Yeah, but I don't get mad at the other people if they don't respond to me as much as I'd like. e.g. my best friend, who is really sporadic and scattered when it comes to responding to emails. She too tends to ignore most emails that veer towards the inane or unimportant, but will always respond if the subject sounds important. I don't begrudge her that.

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If I were you, I wouldn't do a permanent cut-off forever thing,
Oh yeah, I don't intend for this to be a permanent thing. I still ultimately love my parents, even if things are...complicated now. But at this point, I can't even think about calling them without feeling stressed out and resentful about it. So you're right, I might need this break as much for my own sanity as anything else, lmao.

ETA: Okay, a slight complication. My mom just sent me a response, and hers was just: "Have fun! :D" My mom has had her moments too (as evidenced by the hospital trick) but now I feel guilty about cutting her off when she hasn't done anything wrong this time around (aside from the general complaints). The thing is, to reiterate, I feel like I need to just not talk to them for a while for my own sanity and well-being, and my mom would be included in that. I don't know if that makes sense. Probably not. I just need a bit of space from my family as a whole, I think.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2013, 01:28:48 PM by blahblahblah »

Auntie Mame

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #40 on: April 20, 2013, 01:29:34 PM »
Putting the 'I hate you' remark aside, why don't you call them? I understand that they kvetch about you not calling when you DO call, but that might mean you need to take control of the call. When they complain, you bean dip. Third kvetch and 'oh darn, cat's on fire, gotta go'

They miss you and for some parents the emails just aren't the same.

And personally, I wouldn't cut off both my parents if my father made a stupid remark like that. I wouldn't even cut off the one parent. I would ignore the remark for now ( keep an eye on him if he continues to make inappropriate remarks)

That comment is really uncalled for and pretty cavalier.  I won't even attempt to explain what it is like to deal with toxic parents and what the stress does to your mind and body. 
Auntie needs fuel, black coffee and a side car.

ettiquit

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #41 on: April 20, 2013, 01:36:20 PM »
Your dad was out of line. However, if you know that your parents would like to talk with you once a week why disrespect them by not doing so? OK, so it costs you a little time, but that is not a high cost, considering they won't just be showing up at your door if they don't hear from you. Why not give them the peace and show a little love by calling for 5 minutes once a week. Honestly, I think you are being selfish in this.

It is not disrespectful to not honor every wish your parents have after you are an adult.  Her parents are being controlling, and from the description of the phone calls (yelling, berating, etc.), it does appear that there is a cost involved. 

The OP is not being even the tiniest bit selfish.  Her parents are being immature and ridiculous.

Acadianna

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #42 on: April 20, 2013, 02:11:38 PM »
Let me put it this way.  If I did to my children any of the things yours have done (lied about being hospitalized, saying that I hated them), then I'd fully expect to be cut off, and with good reason.

I think, at this point, you should do whatever you feel is best for you.  Your relationship with your parents is only growing worse, and perhaps even a temporary cut-off would help.

blahblahblah

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #43 on: April 20, 2013, 02:32:22 PM »
Update: I did it. I sent my parents separate emails letting them know of my decision to temporarily cut off contact. For my dad, I stole a lot of the phrasing from grammarnerd. For my mom, I adopted a more conciliatory tone - like I said, I realize that she's done her own share of messed up stuff, but she's largely innocent this time around (i.e. she's participated in guilting and criticizing me, but she didn't say anything like my dad did), and I wasn't up to rehashing hospitalgate - and explained to her briefly what had happened, and that I needed to just make a clean break and have some space because I felt like our family relationship had become a bit toxic and unhealthy. I apologized to my mom for getting caught in the crossfire. Maybe other Ehellions will disagree with my decision to cut off my mom as well, which I'd understand, but I felt like I needed time away from family drama as a whole, which I told her. I emphasized in both emails that I was doing this for my own sanity and welfare, and that I wasn't doing it to punish them.

...And as soon as I sent the emails, I felt slightly panicky, like, "Crap, what did I just do??" because I've never stood up to my parents like that before. But I think ultimately this will be good for our relationship. It'll let me cool off, and it'll let my parents know how serious I am. (as said before, I feel like they don't take me seriously until I do something drastic, which is when they realize, "Oh wow, she wasn't kidding!")

Bethalize

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #44 on: April 20, 2013, 02:37:06 PM »
Applause.

Now, what next? Two possibilities spring to mind.

Ideally, your parents would be a little hurt but very sorry that they had brought you to this point and would resolve to do better next time.

What will probably happen is that they will start pushing boundaries, trying to take control again. They will escalate. If this is the case your job is not to respond. If you respond after say 100 phone calls then you've taught them that you will respond, it just takes a hundred phone calls. Don't respond. Keep the control you have just won. It belongs to you.