is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - updates, posts 43, 64

[MerryCat]

What Bethalze said.

Also be prepared to hear from your brother. Your parents may not be as considerate about not dragging him into things. Given that your parents seem to have treated him differently on account of "being a boy", be prepared for him not to get your situation and to pressure you to reconcile. Don't justify yourself to him though. Good luck!

[violetminnow]

I think you did the right thing. In my family saying "I hate you" would be an offense that the other person didn't get over for a long time. Hate would be considered cutting the other person off for good. We were allowed to dislike our family sometimes, but in the end we love each other so hate was off the table.

I know your family probably doesn't think of it that strongly, but I know words like that can hurt anyway. Not the hugs folder, but ((hugs)) anyway.

[Piratelvr1121]

I think you did the right thing. In my family saying "I hate you" would be an offense that the other person didn't get over for a long time. Hate would be considered cutting the other person off for good. We were allowed to dislike our family sometimes, but in the end we love each other so hate was off the table.

I know your family probably doesn't think of it that strongly, but I know words like that can hurt anyway. Not the hugs folder, but ((hugs)) anyway.

And to hear that from your parents of all people, too.  I think you did well OP, with your recent update and here's plenty of hugs as I agree, standing firm with your choice is important.

[Outdoor Girl]

IF you decide to get back into contact sometime in the future, you could set up a specific time to call each week.  This is what I did with my parents when I was in University and in my first apartment.  Our call time was every Sunday at 1:00 pm.  It worked really well for us.

Of course, if there was an emergency or something important, either of us would call the other.

However, my parents weren't approaching toxic.  A little over protective, maybe, but not toxic.

I wouldn't fault you at all if you never decided to get back in touch.

[miranova]

If someone yelled at and berated me every time I called them, I would feel zero obligation to ever call them.  I don't think that makes me (or the OP) the slightest bit selfish. 

[TootsNYC]

I had a friend who whined and berated me every time I called her. "I never hear from you."

I stopped calling. It was just really unpleasant. And there were times I'd think that perhaps I could call, but I knew that the first 10 minutes of the conversation was going to be her whining accusingly and me groveling, so I'd just not call.

Then I stopped calling our mutual friend, because every time I did, we'd have 5 minutes of her saying, "When I told other friend that you'd called me, she complained that you never called HER. It hurts her feelings, you should call her."

W/ that friend, I did finally say, "You know, every time I do, she whines at me about how I don't call often enough. You guys are lucky I call at all--I have new friends and a full life in a new city. And to have the greeting be, 'you're not good enough' is not encouraging!"

I eventually stopped calling either of them.

[violetminnow]

I had a friend who whined and berated me every time I called her. "I never hear from you."

I stopped calling. It was just really unpleasant. And there were times I'd think that perhaps I could call, but I knew that the first 10 minutes of the conversation was going to be her whining accusingly and me groveling, so I'd just not call.

Then I stopped calling our mutual friend, because every time I did, we'd have 5 minutes of her saying, "When I told other friend that you'd called me, she complained that you never called HER. It hurts her feelings, you should call her."

W/ that friend, I did finally say, "You know, every time I do, she whines at me about how I don't call often enough. You guys are lucky I call at all--I have new friends and a full life in a new city. And to have the greeting be, 'you're not good enough' is not encouraging!"

I eventually stopped calling either of them.

That's a really mean thing to say to a friend. If someone is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable around them, you should speak up and ask them to stop. Saying what you said pretty much would end a friendship for me. I wouldn't recommend anyone do that to someone they ever wanted to speak to again.

[fountainof]

I wouldn't recommend anyone do that to someone they ever wanted to speak to again.

IDK, these "friends" seemed emotionally manipulative at best, abusive at worst so why would someone want to remain in contact.  Who would stay friends with someone who got mad at them all the time?  I must say this thread has been interesting as I would be a person who would cut-off contact the first time something like "I hate you" was said.  I just don't get how someone could say that, even if in the heat of the moment.  I have never said out loud anything I didn't 100% mean and would accept any consequences of what I said.

[Two Ravens]

I wouldn't recommend anyone do that to someone they ever wanted to speak to again.

IDK, these "friends" seemed emotionally manipulative at best, abusive at worst so why would someone want to remain in contact.  Who would stay friends with someone who got mad at them all the time?  I must say this thread has been interesting as I would be a person who would cut-off contact the first time something like "I hate you" was said.  I just don't get how someone could say that, even if in the heat of the moment.  I have never said out loud anything I didn't 100% mean and would accept any consequences of what I said.

Well, I certainly would never want to be friends with someone whose attitude towards me was "You're lucky I can spare time from my fantastic life to talk to you at all." Maybe both parties would be well shot of each other."

[Contrary]

My takeaway from this thread was; even though I don't complain about my son not calling often enough, I do fall into the trap of thinking it's somehow his job to keep in touch with me, as opposed to us keeping in touch with one another. 

So, I called him just now. Went to voicemail (of course! lol) but I'll try again later or tomorrow and often from now on. 

Blahblahblah, I hope your folks respect you in this and give you the time and space to miss them. 

[Iris]

blahblah blah - No advice needed anymore, but I just wanted to say I think you did the right thing and keep it up! Sometimes otherwise non-toxic parents have a hard time letting go when their kids grow up. I went through something similar with my mother years (and years) ago and we survived (eventually) and even have a good relationship now. Admittedly we didn't get as far as fake hospital visits and "I hate you"s, but there was a pretty fiery time there. When you choose to reinstate communications I would advise consistency in enforcing boundaries. It took about 6 months - 1 year of me hanging up, leaving etc for my mother to get the message that I wasn't going to tolerate her behaviour and attitude.

[Mental Magpie]

Your dad was out of line. However, if you know that your parents would like to talk with you once a week why disrespect them by not doing so? OK, so it costs you a little time, but that is not a high cost, considering they won't just be showing up at your door if they don't hear from you. Why not give them the peace and show a little love by calling for 5 minutes once a week. Honestly, I think you are being selfish in this.

How is not doing something someone else wants you to do disrespectful?  How is what her parents are doing not disrespectful?  They won't respect her wishes, trample all over them in fact, so why should she respect theirs?  She is an adult, they are adults: their wishes to not supersede hers.  She gets to choose how she lives her life; they do not.


blahblahblah, stay strong!  Taking that first step into standing up for yourself can be really scary!  Remember: you are not responsible for their happiness.

[violetminnow]

I wouldn't recommend anyone do that to someone they ever wanted to speak to again.

IDK, these "friends" seemed emotionally manipulative at best, abusive at worst so why would someone want to remain in contact.  Who would stay friends with someone who got mad at them all the time?  I must say this thread has been interesting as I would be a person who would cut-off contact the first time something like "I hate you" was said.  I just don't get how someone could say that, even if in the heat of the moment.  I have never said out loud anything I didn't 100% mean and would accept any consequences of what I said.

They may have been emotionally manipulative, and maybe Toots is better off without them, but saying what she said is cruel to people you're still friends with at that point. According to the post she said that before she gave up and stopped calling altogether. It sounds like they missed her and they were trying to keep in touch, admittedly in a way that was only going to drive their friend away.  I just think you can ask someone to change their behavior, you can back off and disengage with people when they don't, but you should never belittle people you're friends with.

[nuit93]

I am appalled by the number of people who advocate cut-off.  If you continually cut yourself off from everyone, you will end up alone. 

When it comes to toxic family members, sometimes being alone is the healthier choice.

[Mental Magpie]

I am appalled by the number of people who advocate cut-off.  If you continually cut yourself off from everyone, you will end up alone. 

When it comes to toxic family members, sometimes being alone is the healthier choice.

And if you cut out the weeds, you'll grow stronger and healthier.