Author Topic: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - updates, posts 43, 64  (Read 21928 times)

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Piratelvr1121

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #60 on: April 20, 2013, 07:28:16 PM »
I took Toot's response as "With the way you treat me when I do call, you're lucky I call you at all, and I have new friends who are nicer and don't take me for granted."


I am appalled by the number of people who advocate cut-off.  If you continually cut yourself off from everyone, you will end up alone. 

When it comes to toxic family members, sometimes being alone is the healthier choice.

And if you cut out the weeds, you'll grow stronger and healthier.

Poddity pod pod.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

GrammarNerd

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #61 on: April 20, 2013, 07:30:35 PM »
One thing to think about: you may want to call your brother and give him your side of the story, so he at least has information from both sides and knows that your reaction was instigated by what your father 'said'; that it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Then, hopefully, you'll be able to maintain some sort of a civil relationship with him.

SPuck

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #62 on: April 20, 2013, 07:31:48 PM »
What I get from this thread is that if contact is emotionally draining for one person "just because they are family" isn't a good enough drive to keep in contact. I also don't agree on setting a schedule with people with control issues because their is the potential avenue for them to exert their influence. I can't remember if it was this board or another one but I remember a story where a MIL had issues with calling her son, DIL, and family constantly. They regulated it to once a week. Until that one time period they were a way on vacation, and during the middle of a hot busy day the son was having a conniption on calling his mother when everyone else wanted to continue with vacation. I don't think anyone should expect or give that level of commitment to a contact when it interferes with your schedule.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #63 on: April 20, 2013, 07:39:09 PM »
One thing to think about: you may want to call your brother and give him your side of the story, so he at least has information from both sides and knows that your reaction was instigated by what your father 'said'; that it was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Then, hopefully, you'll be able to maintain some sort of a civil relationship with him.

I agree.  While I do not get along with my parents, I do have a good relationship with my younger brother.  When we decided to move from my hometown after the cut off, I invited my brother over to tell him and give him my phone # and address.  He understood completely as he knew how they treated me.   They're not as rough on him as they were on me and to this day we still have a good relationship and he and my mother's youngest sister are the only ones of my family who have not told me I should mend fences now that my parents have a new grandson. 

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

blahblahblah

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #64 on: April 20, 2013, 07:43:41 PM »
Quote
One thing to think about: you may want to call your brother and give him your side of the story,
I thought about it, but am taking a wait-and-see approach for now because I don't want to get him involved unless it's absolutely necessary. My brother and I aren't close at all - and I know everyone's sibling relationships are different, but we're not close to the point where I think all of our friends are kinda weirded out by it, lmao - but we're also not toxic. We're essentially like strangers/enigmas to each other; we hardly ever talk and never, ever hang out, but we never, ever fight either. And while I'm sure my parents will probably complain to him, I doubt that he's going to throw himself in the middle of it. If he does come to me, I'll be sure to mention the email and everything else, though.

ETA: Oh, guess what...my parents responded to the emails, even though I specifically asked them not to. I don't know whether to cut them some slack or not because English is not their first language and it's possible that they missed my request to not respond in the wall o' text I sent them. But I'm not going to read the emails regardless and I've set them up to filter 'em into a special folder so I don't have to see it. My hunch is that their emails are apologies, because that's how it usually works. And I'm worried that if I see their "CRUD MONKEYS! I'm so sorry! I love you!!!" my resolve will crumble and the cycle will continue. Because that's what always happens. So... I'm not going to read them. I've also blocked their numbers on my phone.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2013, 07:55:09 PM by blahblahblah »

*inviteseller

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #65 on: April 20, 2013, 07:45:10 PM »
I don't think it is disrespectful at all to tell anyone, be it friends or family, that they are treating you disrespectfully and you no longer wish to put up with it.  Just because they are OP's parents doesn't give them the right to say mean and hurtful things (that she would not say to them) or pull tricks just to get her to call/visit as much as they want.  And if all your calls with a person are them whining that you never calll meeeeeee, well, then no, I am never going to call you.  I have friends that I am lucky to hear from every 3-4 months due to our schedules and you know what?  I am pleased as punch that we were able to carve out enough time to chat and I am not wasting any of that time chastising them for having a busy life.  My own dad has an issue with how to dial out, instead him and step mom sit home and wait for my sister and I's calls.  We try to each call 3 times a week (they have health issues so we do check up a bit) but Deity forbid we miss a day or 2..it is the whiny PA crap that makes me want to scream and I dread having those calls.  OP's parents may WANT more contact, but because OP has, ya know, a life outside of them, they will have to understand she is not at their beck and call.  Hopefully this will be a wakeup call.

stitchygreyanonymouse

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #66 on: April 20, 2013, 07:52:20 PM »
OP, a lot of your post could have been written by me in reference to my Mom (although not the I hate you).

I hate small talk, my life isnít interesting enough to have news on a regular basis that would interest anyone not involved, and Iím busy.

In college, I would talk to my mom every other day or two. 5 years later, we talk maybe once every three months. She is emotionally exhausting, both from comments about how she wishes weíd talk more, but she doesnít want to call because she knows Iím busy, to complaints about how sheís not busy because she doesnít seem able to keep a job (nothing new).

My other parents update me on big news, and we talk a few times a year otherwiseóthey never say anything about wanting more contact.

My other dad and I text back and forth once a month or so, just to check in.

While I understand that scheduling a normal time to talk works for some peopleÖ my mental health was suffering from the dread of contacting my mom more often than I do. And I still donít like to even that rarely. Our compromise (mostly never discussed, but what has worked out) is that she checks into to Facebook every so often and knows Iím still alive and doing well (and trusts that my SO would call if something was actually wrong). Thatís what my other parents also do (and what allows us to talk so infrequently).

In other words, I can completely understand your decision to have a time out from themóand some of the other suggestions above about exploring why you feel the need to contact them and what paramaters you feel comfortable with are very good.

Oops, three more posts while typing. I should add that I have 5 siblings on various sides of the parental divide. We all have an understanding that our parents issues with each of us are just thatówith that sibling. Iíve made it clear without actually ever having to say it that I wonít get involved with their relationships and thus, they stay out of mine (it helps that I live far away). Most of my siblings and I have relationships as you describe with your brother. Iím closer to my younger ones, but we have a silent agreement that we donít pass on nagging from the parents, and we tell said parent that we wonít do that if they try. Especially now that they are adults, it is great.

LeveeWoman

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #67 on: April 20, 2013, 09:57:38 PM »
My takeaway from this thread was; even though I don't complain about my son not calling often enough, I do fall into the trap of thinking it's somehow his job to keep in touch with me, as opposed to us keeping in touch with one another. 

So, I called him just now. Went to voicemail (of course! lol) but I'll try again later or tomorrow and often from now on. 

Blahblahblah, I hope your folks respect you in this and give you the time and space to miss them.

AWESOME!

((((((Contrary&son)))))))

LeveeWoman

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #68 on: April 20, 2013, 10:08:51 PM »
Quote
One thing to think about: you may want to call your brother and give him your side of the story,
I thought about it, but am taking a wait-and-see approach for now because I don't want to get him involved unless it's absolutely necessary. My brother and I aren't close at all - and I know everyone's sibling relationships are different, but we're not close to the point where I think all of our friends are kinda weirded out by it, lmao - but we're also not toxic. We're essentially like strangers/enigmas to each other; we hardly ever talk and never, ever hang out, but we never, ever fight either. And while I'm sure my parents will probably complain to him, I doubt that he's going to throw himself in the middle of it. If he does come to me, I'll be sure to mention the email and everything else, though.

ETA: Oh, guess what...my parents responded to the emails, even though I specifically asked them not to. I don't know whether to cut them some slack or not because English is not their first language and it's possible that they missed my request to not respond in the wall o' text I sent them. But I'm not going to read the emails regardless and I've set them up to filter 'em into a special folder so I don't have to see it. My hunch is that their emails are apologies, because that's how it usually works. And I'm worried that if I see their "CRUD MONKEYS! I'm so sorry! I love you!!!" my resolve will crumble and the cycle will continue. Because that's what always happens. So... I'm not going to read them. I've also blocked their numbers on my phone.

Stay strong, blahblahblah!

((((((blahblahblah))))))

Danika

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #69 on: April 21, 2013, 12:13:10 AM »
But I'm not going to read the emails regardless and I've set them up to filter 'em into a special folder so I don't have to see it. My hunch is that their emails are apologies, because that's how it usually works. And I'm worried that if I see their "CRUD MONKEYS! I'm so sorry! I love you!!!" my resolve will crumble and the cycle will continue. Because that's what always happens. So... I'm not going to read them. I've also blocked their numbers on my phone.

Great update!

I know some people love or hate Dr. Phil but I often think of what he says "You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all."

Pen^2

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blahblahblah, well done! Keep up your resolve, though. If you back down, they'll just be getting the message that "we can pull this stunt again whenever we want and we just have to apologise and blahblahblah will submit to our will again in only a few days." I'm sure you realise this, but it can be hard.

My parents used to do this to me, for nine freaking years after I moved out of home. And when I did call, all they would talk about was how much they hated me for not calling. It's pretty hard to dial a phone when you know that that is what's waiting for you on the other end. My many siblings (some older) still lived at home, and I think they still do, under their constant influence. It is very much a control thing. Even if you don't call eighteen times a day or whatever, they still control you by making you sweat over it in the meantime. Very manipulative and immature and massively disrespectful.

I hope your family situation does not go where mine did. My dad said a similar thing to "I hate you". His was, "I wish you'd died so you'd actually have an excuse <for not calling more frequently>, but it turns out you're just a horrible piece of <excrement>." After I gave them the cut in a similar way to you, they began pulling out the big guns. My father would suddenly turn up on our doorstep, apparently "in the neighbourhood" (about 8 hours out of the way), and have nowhere to stay. Cousins and relatives would suddenly be calling and emailling asking why I did various untrue and ridiculous things to my parents (stole money etc.--they may pull this on your brother, watch out.) Letters containing enormous guilt-trips and huge inconsistencies came in the dozens. I started getting 'emergency' calls at my workplace (parent hit by a car, bleeding to death, minutes to live, have to talk now before they're gone forever, etc.) which were all bogus. My innocent husband had a similar escalation of things. I really, really hope your parents see some sense, or at least that they aren't psychotic. But you seem to be handling things very well. Good luck to you!

TootsNYC

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over? - update, post 43
« Reply #71 on: April 21, 2013, 03:02:28 PM »
I took Toot's response as "With the way you treat me when I do call, you're lucky I call you at all, and I have new friends who are nicer and don't take me for granted."


I didn't accurately choose my words here. In real life I said something like, "I have a new. absorbing life in a city far away, and I could have simply faded out completely. Some people do drop their college friends when they move away. I call you. But when I do, I get a guilt trip."

Oh, and no, they never called me. I wasn't as easy to reach as they were, but they sure didn't drop me a letter or try to make a phone call.

cicero

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Re: is my dad's email worth cutting off contact over?
« Reply #72 on: April 21, 2013, 03:08:30 PM »
with all your additional info, i think you did the right thing. I'm sorry you are going thru this with your parents and i hope that things either straighten out between you or you come to terms and closure with the situation.

Update: I did it. I sent my parents separate emails letting them know of my decision to temporarily cut off contact. For my dad, I stole a lot of the phrasing from grammarnerd. For my mom, I adopted a more conciliatory tone - like I said, I realize that she's done her own share of messed up stuff, but she's largely innocent this time around (i.e. she's participated in guilting and criticizing me, but she didn't say anything like my dad did), and I wasn't up to rehashing hospitalgate - and explained to her briefly what had happened, and that I needed to just make a clean break and have some space because I felt like our family relationship had become a bit toxic and unhealthy. I apologized to my mom for getting caught in the crossfire. Maybe other Ehellions will disagree with my decision to cut off my mom as well, which I'd understand, but I felt like I needed time away from family drama as a whole, which I told her. I emphasized in both emails that I was doing this for my own sanity and welfare, and that I wasn't doing it to punish them.

...And as soon as I sent the emails, I felt slightly panicky, like, "Crap, what did I just do??" because I've never stood up to my parents like that before. But I think ultimately this will be good for our relationship. It'll let me cool off, and it'll let my parents know how serious I am. (as said before, I feel like they don't take me seriously until I do something drastic, which is when they realize, "Oh wow, she wasn't kidding!")

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VorFemme

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(((hugs)))

Not an easy situation to deal with.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

BarensMom

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I don't get this - the phone works BOTH ways. 

My family and "friends" rarely call me, and usually only when they want something (information, favors, $$).  Otherwise, I was always the one to reach out, try to make plans, etc.  Within the past year, I've cut the number of people I'll cold call way down.  When they do call, it's always, "I miss you, you never call anymore."::) ::)  As much as I want to, I don't say, "Well, were YOUR fingers broken?" and usually end up bean dipping.