Author Topic: They need to have a sibling  (Read 12760 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #30 on: April 25, 2013, 05:25:21 PM »
"Jr. DESERVES a sibling!"
"You are absolutely right - can he have your youngest?  I'm sure he'd fit right into our family."

Calistoga

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #31 on: April 25, 2013, 05:26:31 PM »
"Jr. DESERVES a sibling!"
"You are absolutely right - can he have your youngest?  I'm sure he'd fit right into our family."

Or on the flip side
"Why...did he do something wrong?"

Lady Snowdon

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #32 on: April 25, 2013, 06:32:42 PM »
We've faced something similar to this! My in laws used to constantly fuss because our child was going to be "so much younger" than DH's brothers kids that our poor child wouldn't have any same aged cousins to play with.

It sounds like people are just trying to justify their own decisions to someone who hasn't made the same ones.

"Well our little Billy NEEDS a brother!"
"I'm sure he'll enjoy that."

"Well you simply must have another baby, poor little Billy needs a brother!"
"Billy does just fine."

Don't argue, don't justify...just don't engage.

DH and I have gotten this, and it annoys the heck out of me.  My nieces are not going to be deprived because they don't have same aged cousins (ie the kids I don't have) to play with.  If I do have kids, they will similarly not be deprived.  My sister in law has tried to bring this up a couple of times, and I mostly shut her down with, "I didn't have same aged cousins growing up, and I turned out fine!".  I'm also an only child, the first grandchild on my mom's side and the only grandchild on my dad's side.  I didn't *need* siblings or cousins in order to develop properly - I played with kids from daycare, school and the neighborhood!

Calistoga

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #33 on: April 25, 2013, 06:40:03 PM »
We've faced something similar to this! My in laws used to constantly fuss because our child was going to be "so much younger" than DH's brothers kids that our poor child wouldn't have any same aged cousins to play with.

It sounds like people are just trying to justify their own decisions to someone who hasn't made the same ones.

"Well our little Billy NEEDS a brother!"
"I'm sure he'll enjoy that."

"Well you simply must have another baby, poor little Billy needs a brother!"
"Billy does just fine."

Don't argue, don't justify...just don't engage.

DH and I have gotten this, and it annoys the heck out of me.  My nieces are not going to be deprived because they don't have same aged cousins (ie the kids I don't have) to play with.  If I do have kids, they will similarly not be deprived.  My sister in law has tried to bring this up a couple of times, and I mostly shut her down with, "I didn't have same aged cousins growing up, and I turned out fine!".  I'm also an only child, the first grandchild on my mom's side and the only grandchild on my dad's side.  I didn't *need* siblings or cousins in order to develop properly - I played with kids from daycare, school and the neighborhood!

Same. My mom was 30 when she had me, and she didn't want to have kids younger than me when I was already a real hand full. The only cousins I had were 3-4 years older than me and lived 12 hours away... I saw them once a year, we played for a while...then we out grew each other and just did our own thing. I just had...you know...friends.

I always chalk this up to the locale...around here it's really common for families to live within a few miles of each other. I think all of DH's family is within an hour or two.

earthgirl

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #34 on: April 26, 2013, 09:55:30 AM »
While I tend to keep my thoughts about my reproductive system pretty close to the chest, DH has no such compunction, and speaks freely about the fact that DS will probably be an only child.  We are both open to the fact that our minds may change, but as of now, we have no plans for another kid.

I have been amazed at how many people think it's their business to tell us what they think about only children.  I actually had one of DH's friend seek me out at a New Year's party to tell me that I was setting my (as yet not even conceived) child up for failure in life if I did not provide him with at least 1 sibling. 

Now that DS is here (4 months old), SIL has decided that, since we have said there will probably be no siblings, she has to start having children immediately so that her children can be close in age to DS. I feel like that's silly, and I really do not want to be in any way, shape, or form, even remotely responsible for SIL possibly having children earlier than she's ready to just because she thinks it's important for her kids to have a cousin close in age (obviously I have no control over what she does, and if she wants children now, that's fine, but don't tell me it's because of how old my baby is in comparison!).

MrTango

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #35 on: April 26, 2013, 10:10:55 AM »
End the conversation sooner, maybe?

Them: "Are you going to have another child?"
You: "I don't discuss my family planning with other people--it's sort of private."

then...depending how it goes:

Them: "But she needs a sibling!"
You: "As I said, I don't discuss my family planning. How's the bean dip?"

I use something similar when people ask me whether LadyTango and I are planning on having children:

"That's a topic reserved for LadyTango, me, and our physicians."  (If it's the first time a person brings it up, I'll supply the bean dip.  If not, or if I'm feeling particularly annoyed by the intrusiveness of the question, I just let the silence hang there.)

*inviteseller

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #36 on: April 26, 2013, 10:29:02 AM »
While I tend to keep my thoughts about my reproductive system pretty close to the chest, DH has no such compunction, and speaks freely about the fact that DS will probably be an only child.  We are both open to the fact that our minds may change, but as of now, we have no plans for another kid.

I have been amazed at how many people think it's their business to tell us what they think about only children.  I actually had one of DH's friend seek me out at a New Year's party to tell me that I was setting my (as yet not even conceived) child up for failure in life if I did not provide him with at least 1 sibling. 

Now that DS is here (4 months old), SIL has decided that, since we have said there will probably be no siblings, she has to start having children immediately so that her children can be close in age to DS. I feel like that's silly, and I really do not want to be in any way, shape, or form, even remotely responsible for SIL possibly having children earlier than she's ready to just because she thinks it's important for her kids to have a cousin close in age (obviously I have no control over what she does, and if she wants children now, that's fine, but don't tell me it's because of how old my baby is in comparison!).

So the reason to have a baby is to give your child a playmate?  Not computing!  Just because they are cousins, that doesn't make it an automatic BFF playmate confidant.  They may not get along or  they may be as different as night and day.  I don't understand why people assume blood relations automatically mean they will be close.  I love my cousins because they are family, but there is some I would not even want to be in the same room with because they are obnoxious (and they may feel that way about me).  I am lucky that, even though there is 6 years between us, I am super close with my sister but I have friends that don't even speak to their siblings but once or twice a year.  I would never question anyone's family planning choices and I preferred people staying out of my uterus.

mmswm

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #37 on: April 26, 2013, 10:57:32 AM »
We've faced something similar to this! My in laws used to constantly fuss because our child was going to be "so much younger" than DH's brothers kids that our poor child wouldn't have any same aged cousins to play with.

It sounds like people are just trying to justify their own decisions to someone who hasn't made the same ones.

"Well our little Billy NEEDS a brother!"
"I'm sure he'll enjoy that."

"Well you simply must have another baby, poor little Billy needs a brother!"
"Billy does just fine."

Don't argue, don't justify...just don't engage.

DH and I have gotten this, and it annoys the heck out of me.  My nieces are not going to be deprived because they don't have same aged cousins (ie the kids I don't have) to play with.  If I do have kids, they will similarly not be deprived.  My sister in law has tried to bring this up a couple of times, and I mostly shut her down with, "I didn't have same aged cousins growing up, and I turned out fine!".  I'm also an only child, the first grandchild on my mom's side and the only grandchild on my dad's side.  I didn't *need* siblings or cousins in order to develop properly - I played with kids from daycare, school and the neighborhood!

Same. My mom was 30 when she had me, and she didn't want to have kids younger than me when I was already a real hand full. The only cousins I had were 3-4 years older than me and lived 12 hours away... I saw them once a year, we played for a while...then we out grew each other and just did our own thing. I just had...you know...friends.

I always chalk this up to the locale...around here it's really common for families to live within a few miles of each other. I think all of DH's family is within an hour or two.

3 of my parents 4 adult children have kids of our own (there are still two of my siblings who are minors).  My older sister's daughter is 20. My sons are 13, 11, and 10 (with everybody within 6 weeks of their next birthdays).  The sister born right after me has two boys who are 4 and 2.  The only other adult sister has no kids yet, and no plans to have them any time soon, so the youngest cousins will likely be approaching 10ish before that sister has any kids.  My other siblings are actually only 10 and 11 themselves, so no kids for them for hopefully at least a decade!
Some people lift weights.  I lift measures.  It's a far more esoteric workout. - (Quoted from a personal friend)

YummyMummy66

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #38 on: April 26, 2013, 11:02:58 AM »
I think I might reply, "Why?" and if they keep making statements, keep saying, "why?".   

And if they do not stop, just thank you for your opinion, but we are just fine with one child.  And if they keep at it, "You know what Sue?  It really is none of your business to tell me what to do with my family?  How would you like it if I did the same to you?"  (Sue for any name that you might be speaking to or who asks these questions).

stitchygreyanonymouse

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #39 on: April 26, 2013, 11:17:13 AM »
Iím starting to think Iíve lucky that I havenít gotten the "start now so theyíre close to cousins". With the exception of a 9m.o. "surprise" (though very wanted after sis having given up hope of a second), my nieces and nephews are all over the age of 6. Their three mothers are doneóand have taken measures to be sure of that. I do have two younger sisters, but they have no plans to start having kids for quite some time (18 mos apart, both in college). If I continue waiting, maybe theyíll be close in age, but if not, the one, possibly two children I would have will be smack in the middle of the two groups.

I know it was painful for my aforementioned surprised sister to get this question all the time. They truly wanted a sibling for their now 8 y.o. daughter, but it didnít happen until a mostly unrelated surgery kick surprisingly kickstarted her ability to conceive again. And it really was worst from family, because they thought our older sister, who has PCOS had no problem accidentally conceiving three times, so clearly there couldnít be wrong with other sister.


TootsNYC

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #40 on: April 26, 2013, 12:37:06 PM »


Now that DS is here (4 months old), SIL has decided that, since we have said there will probably be no siblings, she has to start having children immediately so that her children can be close in age to DS. I feel like that's silly, and I really do not want to be in any way, shape, or form, even remotely responsible for SIL possibly having children earlier than she's ready to just because she thinks it's important for her kids to have a cousin close in age (obviously I have no control over what she does, and if she wants children now, that's fine, but don't tell me it's because of how old my baby is in comparison!).

So the reason to have a baby is to give your child a playmate?  Not computing!  Just because they are cousins, that doesn't make it an automatic BFF playmate confidant.  They may not get along or  they may be as different as night and day.  I don't understand why people assume blood relations automatically mean they will be close.  I love my cousins because they are family, but there is some I would not even want to be in the same room with because they are obnoxious (and they may feel that way about me).  I am lucky that, even though there is 6 years between us, I am super close with my sister but I have friends that don't even speak to their siblings but once or twice a year.  I would never question anyone's family planning choices and I preferred people staying out of my uterus.

Also, like, maybe earthgirl will be too busy to set up very many play dates with the cousin! That's a heck of an assumption.

And it's assigning a really big responsibility

It reminds me a bit of my ILs buying a "country home" and saying, "the kids can swim in the pool." I flat-out told them, "Do not buy this house under the assumption that we will be spending very much time there. We will visit at most two weekends--that's all we'll be able to do. We have busy lives, and our Saturdays are full of stuff like birthday parties, family outings, chores, etc. So don't put the responsibility on us, we refuse to take it."

They bought it anyway, and indeed, we were only free to go up about twice a year. A couple of years ago, my FIL said something wistfully about "we'd thought maybe the kids would spend more time," and implying that their main purpose for buying the place hadn't been realized so it had been wasted effort and money. And I said, gently, "You do remember that I told you we wouldn't be able to come up very often, right?"

So I'd be really annoyed if SIL was assuming that I'd be arranging my life to create playdates for the cousins. I guess the kids would have someone their age at family gatherings, which might make them less boring. Or *more* annoying, if they end up not getting along.


that_one_girl

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #41 on: April 26, 2013, 02:42:03 PM »
I was told recently by my SIL that I should start having children so her kids can have a baby cousin to play with.

NyaChan

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #42 on: April 26, 2013, 02:50:12 PM »
Yeah, that'll be 500K per child - will that be lump sum or or do we need to set up a monthly plan?

RooRoo

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #43 on: April 26, 2013, 04:17:09 PM »
OT:

When I read
Quote
absolutely no trace of emotion or defensiveness no matter how attacked you feel,
my talent for "predictive reading" saw the bolded, and said, "mackerel." I doubted myself, went back and re-read it, and got it right. But - -

Henceforth, to me, the coldish, emotionless face one uses in these situations shall be known as "the Dead Mackerel Face!"
If you have an opinion about my life, raise your hand!
Now, put it over your mouth.

Danika

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Re: They need to have a sibling
« Reply #44 on: April 26, 2013, 04:40:17 PM »
I actually had one of DH's friend seek me out at a New Year's party to tell me that I was setting my (as yet not even conceived) child up for failure in life if I did not provide him with at least 1 sibling.

"failure"? Really? Cuz only children aren't successful? Failure in what? Academics? There are plenty of only children at M.I.T. Social? There are plenty of only children in sororities and fraternities. Salary? Fun? Life? What failures?

I agree with the PPs that SIL shouldn't be banking on the fact that you'll let your kids spend a ton of time with hers.

My cousin and I are both only children and we're less than a year apart in age. Our mothers were very close and forced us to spend tons of time together as children. But my mother was an extremely strict disciplinarian. My aunt was the opposite. My cousin had no boundaries and was a very mean, unhappy, destructive, almost sociopathic child. I hated him and all the time I had to spend with him. And now as adults, while we can be civil to each other, we are not close at all.