Author Topic: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?  (Read 10307 times)

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WillyNilly

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Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.

*inviteseller

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Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.

The problem with other peoples kids and school pictures- and I found this out when I was on PTA committees and they had to explain the rules- there are kids who cannot have their pics taken for the simple fact they are in foster care, or living with a POA order against a parent, and to post these pics or use them in any way can endanger the child.  Now at the last couple of Birthday parties my DD was at,  the parents told us they were going to take pics so if they didn't want their child in these pics, please let them now (we do have one parent who doesn't allow it but she is really cool about it).  In this day and age, putting your kids pics out there opens you up to anyone sharing and taking them, and in rare cases, have been used in not so good ways.  I do post pics to a private family album on FB, but they do not get shared (one of the rules of the album) and they are in a group that you have to get invited into.  And if you did not want to associate with me and my family because I have a rule about how my childrens images are distributed, I would not be offended, I would just wonder why you would be offended over my parental decisions.

amylouky

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Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.

That would certainly be your right.. it is your home. But this puzzles me.. are pictures so important that they're worth giving up spending time with family/friends who do not wish for their/their childrens' pictures to be taken or posted online? Seems a bit like throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I do think that people have the right to control how their images and those of their children are used. There can be many valid reasons for not wanting pictures out of your control. When we were fostering, we were not allowed to post pics of our FKs online, and we had to make sure that our family and friends were aware of the rule also. I'd have been hurt if they decided that having pictures of everyone attending an event was more important than having us there.

bopper

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Your DH is worried that they will cut you off....you could say "Sweetie...I want nothing more to have a good relationship with your parents and our child's grandparents...but if us setting boundaries about our child causes them to cut off contact, then that is really on them, and not me. They had a chance to parent the way they wanted, and we will parent the way we want. It is not uncommon to not want pictures of your child on the internet.  They probably think "oh just my friends will see these" but as we all know, once pictures are on the internet they can end up anywhere."

There are different schools of though on kid pictures on the internet:

1) Public (any one can see them)
2) Mostly Private (private group on photobucket)
3) Semi Private (only show pictures to "friends" on Facebook)
4) No pictures at all on the internet

You and your DH have to agree to a level.  Many rational people do anyone of those options. None are better, none are worse. But you have to feel comfortable and I would think that the more private person should win.
Then talk to him about boundaries...that your and his decisions about your children stand, and the more you let others intrude, the more they think they have a say.  If they don't know when to back off, then you will reduce spending time with them. And if they cut you off because they don't like your decisions about YOUR kid, then so be it.

TootsNYC

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It's also just not that necessary to post all the pics of your kid's bday party, is it?
I'd want to know about this before you left your kid at the birthday party. Because I might really want to post the pics to show relatives the crafts, etc. But I can certainly take some without your kid, since your preferences are different from other people's.


I've put other people's kids' pictures online sometimes, but rarely--and in the case that I did, it was done as a way to share with his mom AND her family (I tagged her so they'd see it), who *already* shared pictures of the child in question online.

SamiHami

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I think your first conversation should be with your husband. If he doesn't support you in this, then what happens when his family breaks other rules you've set about your child? This is a great opportunity for you both to get on the same page and show a unified front to his family. This is a rule you've set about your own child. If you don't stand up for her then who will? That should come first over being allowed in his sister's home! Be polite and firm and be sure to follow through on this with all family members. Good luck.

I agree with this. Does your husband support the "No pictures on Facebook" preference? This should be your immediate concern.

Next, once the photos are taken, they belong to the photographer. Although it is nice if everyone refrains from posting her pictures on Facebook, it is not rude of them to do so. What about pictures that they take with the baby? Are those not allowed as well? The thing is, if you really don't want her pictures to go online, then you should not allow anyone to take her pictures. I don't think you have rights over those pictures after you consent for them to be taken.

I don't quite agree with this statement. Parents do have a right to control whether or not pics of their kids are posted on social media. I think adults have that right, as well. If someone posted a pic of me without permission they would be told to take it down. And if they refused, I would be making a complaint directly to Facebook to have it taken down.

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gramma dishes

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Actually, if parents request that their children's pictures not be 'published' and that would include Facebook or any other social media, the photographer must comply with the parents' wishes.

It is true that most pictures of most subjects belong to the photographer (and they are automatically copyrighted and no one can copy it, sell it,  use it, or claim it as their own).   But there is a different set of very specific rules that apply when you're photographing kids. 

If she is willing for them to take pictures of her child, she might not care if they printed them out and kept them in a family photo album (old fashioned book form) rather than putting them on Facebook for the whole world to see.

sam

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Can I ask - where does it stop? Can they post the pictures on Flickr?  What about Shutterfly or Vistaprint?
If she goes to the playground and ends up in the background of someone elses kid's photo, what then? Or if she goes to a party and is in group shots, can the host parent post photos of the party?  How about once she starts school?  Can other parents post the class picture or pictures from field trips that might have your daughter in them?



This would not bother me in the slightest. I would never dream of trying to prevent people from taking photo's in their own home.  However if said person was not prepared to respect my child's right to privacy and my right to set rules for my child then my child wouldn't be in their home or them in mine.  I think it boils down to respecting parental choices.  You don't have to agree with them but you shouldn't go against them.

By you I mean a general you. I am not trying to suggest in any way, shape or form that you would do something like this. Although there probably are plenty of people who would.

I can't speak for the op but for me the answer would be no.  We do not allow photo's of our children on the internet full stop.  As far as school is concerned parents/carers are not allowed to take photographs of the children so this would not arise.  As for at the park as far as I am aware it hasn't cropped up.

I have to say, honestly, I would not have a person/family over my home if this was this was their stance. I would not want to be limited, in my own home, to the point of not being allowed to take photos freely and then arrange them into a Shutterfly book or something of the like.

TootsNYC

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It is true that most pictures of most subjects belong to the photographer (and they are automatically copyrighted and no one can copy it, sell it,  use it, or claim it as their own).   But there is a different set of very specific rules that apply when you're photographing kids. 

'

There are also very different sorts of rules/laws that govern where the pictures can be *published*.

But that's law, and we're not supposed to go there.

The ETIQUETTE fact is that if a parent has asked you to not put pictures of their kid on Facebook or anywhere, you must comply. If you don't, you are rude. And you have also committed an etiquette violation. (which are actually separate things)

Syrse

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OP here again.

Well, we have a bit of a pickle. My husband let me know his mom posted a picture of our little girl on facebook. I asked him if he said something about it, he said no. I asked if we could at least see the picture, see if she was tagged or named, which I would then want to fix.
... his mom has blocked him on facebook. He can't look her up or anything. This probably happened back when we were just pregnant, but there you go.

Now i just want to send her a note saying 'hey, I heard you had a picture up, can we at least see it?'
Or post something on facebook about posting pictures. He, of course, doesn't want to do anything. Sigh.

Sharnita

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This is confusing to me.  How are they getting these photos?  How did DH find out about the photo if he is blocked?  Quite frankly, it seems like you and he hold the trump card - access to DD.  If she can't respect your wishes voluntarily you can make darn sure she does it by cutting off her access to DD and pictures of DD. She is already treating you badly and blocking her own son without you taking the steps so I don't see what else she can do to punich you for sticking up for yourself.

LeveeWoman

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OP here again.

Well, we have a bit of a pickle. My husband let me know his mom posted a picture of our little girl on facebook. I asked him if he said something about it, he said no. I asked if we could at least see the picture, see if she was tagged or named, which I would then want to fix.
... his mom has blocked him on facebook. He can't look her up or anything. This probably happened back when we were just pregnant, but there you go.

Now i just want to send her a note saying 'hey, I heard you had a picture up, can we at least see it?'
Or post something on facebook about posting pictures. He, of course, doesn't want to do anything. Sigh.

You have issues with him as much as you have issues with them!

JenJay

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I'm sorry to say that I think your DH is the problem, not your in-laws. He sets a boundary then sits back and watches while they trample it, does nothing, and warns you not to do anything either because he's afraid they'll cut you off? From where I'm sitting you've got two choices. You can throw in the towel and plan on allowing her to dictate her relationships with you, your DH and your DD forever, or, you can stand up now and let the chips fall where they may. If she wants to throw a fit and refuse to acknowledge you then let her, but make darn sure she's aware that you will not be sending your child anywhere her Momma isn't welcome.  ;)

If she's blocked him how does he know she posted a new pic? Someone told him? Someone who is concerned or who wants to stir up drama?

I think he needs to bite the bullet and email her "Mom, I heard through the grapevine that you've been posting pics of DD on Facebook. As you know Syrse and I have asked everyone not to put her photos online. I tried to access your Facebook page to see for myself but it appears you have blocked me. It feels like you are sending a message - 'I'll do what I want and if you do 't like it, too bad.' You should be aware that my response to that is 'Respect my boundaries with regard to my family or I won't bring DD over or share her photos with you.' I hope you choose to respect my wishes. I would like for you to have a close relationship with DD but that's up to you."

artk2002

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Sounds like grandma isn't getting any more pictures, right? That's the best way to keep her from posting them on FB.

I agree with others that you have a big DH problem, far more than pictures on the 'net or a MIL who blocks access for no apparent reason.
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Syrse

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DH was over there with our daughter to help in the yard. She took a picture while they were out, and told him about it.
And I fully realize where the problem lies, and that it's probably no longer an etiquette appropriate topic.

DH is trying to play the middle man. Apparently his mom is just as ticked off with me as I am with her. He wants everyone to get along.