Author Topic: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?  (Read 10298 times)

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Sharnita

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He thinks he is trying to play the middle man.  He goes over there, does her yard work, she takes a picture of his child and posts it but blocks him.  That is not the middle man, that is the doormat.

JenJay

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DH was over there with our daughter to help in the yard. She took a picture while they were out, and told him about it.
And I fully realize where the problem lies, and that it's probably no longer an etiquette appropriate topic.

DH is trying to play the middle man. Apparently his mom is just as ticked off with me as I am with her. He wants everyone to get along.

But... you haven't done anything wrong!  :(

I can relate to what you're dealing with. When my DD was a few weeks old I emailed all the grandparents a file of photos. I specifically said that they were welcome to make prints of whatever they wanted except for three shots that were taken immediately after her birth where she was naked.

A week or so later we were invited to the home of my mom and her then-husband for a get-together with their combined extended family. I walk in and what do I see? Three 8X10 prints of those photos and no others. I don't know which of them had done it but it made quite a statement - "You can't tell us what to do with the pics you send!" Fair enough.

I didn't say a word. It wasn't worth the argument. Instead I made darn sure that from that point on I only sent whatever photos I was comfortable with them printing and sharing publicly. Did they miss out on a lot of photos? Yes they did. They made their decision and I made mine.

Venus193

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Your husband is in denial.

He needs to understand that the lack of respect for your boundaries is a control issue and that if he backs down in the name of "wanting everyone to get along" he will end up resenting his cowardice down the road.

Do not allow your MIL access to the child.  She has blocked you from FB and takes the pictures herself.  And don't send any pictures to anyone who might pass them on to her.

LeveeWoman

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DH was over there with our daughter to help in the yard. She took a picture while they were out, and told him about it.
And I fully realize where the problem lies, and that it's probably no longer an etiquette appropriate topic.

DH is trying to play the middle man. Apparently his mom is just as ticked off with me as I am with her. He wants everyone to get along.

Have you told him, in no uncertain terms, that he is not supposed to be in the middle, that his place is beside his wife and child?

*inviteseller

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You're husband is not in the middle..if he were in the middle he would be trying to make both sides happy and working toward a resolution.  All he is actually doing now is letting his mom do whatever the heck she wants and telling you to deal with it to keep the peace.  And who the heck does she think she is to be mad at you????  It is your DD and YOU make the rules and set the boundaries, not her.  I am fuming on your behalf because I have been there my my former MIL (and still am to a point).  She knew better, she made the rules and I was to sit back and let it happen because it would keep the peace.  I did until until she started taking over with my DD and enough was enough.  The ultimatum to hubby was either get her in line or lose all access to her granddaughter.*  You need to tell DH that you and your DD's happiness are more important to him than his mother's..remind him this is the woman that cut you off before during the pregnancy.  And unfortunately, if someone has you blocked on FB you can't report them but I would have absolutely no problem sending a family wide post stating that no pictures of your child are to be posted online with out BOTH you and your husband's permission and all existing pictures online now must be removed. 

*I unfortunately had to enforce boundaries finally with a court order as they put her medically in danger with some interesting decisions that flew in the face of all intelligence and sanity, but were done with the express desire to hurt me.

mstigerlily

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That is not the middle man, that is the doormat.

^^This.

OP, for me it's not about these pictures, it's about the precedent you and your husband are allowing to be set. What happens when they want to pierce her ears/take her to an unapproved place/eat unapproved foods/whatever? It's going to happen. What will you do then? Either you and your dh need to start standing up now or be prepared to be run over time and time again.

Mikayla

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OP, I agree with all the latest posts.  There's a big difference between a nice guy wanting people to be happy vs one who consistently puts his wife second to keep someone else happy. 

It could easily be that these photos just don't bother him.  But if they bother you that much, then the only way he'd be in the middle is if he doesn't care about what bothers you.  However....


I talked with DH, and we seem to have reached a consensus. As long as it stays with the occasional picture, with absolutely no tagging or mention of her name, we'll leave the ones currently up. But we will re-mention the rules next time we see the offending family members.

When I read this, I wasn't sure what your rules even are.  If it's expressed to them the way you put it with the bolded, this is very subject to interpretation.  So before getting DH on your side, make sure you're being very clear what it is you want. 

Allyson

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Why is she ticked off at you now? I wasn't sure why she cut you off the first time--was it based on an incident where you guys into an argument of some kind, or a perceived insult? Or did it seemingly come out of nowhere? Cause, if the latter, that's an incredibly stressful thing to do have to deal with--effectively always trying to guess if the next thing you do will cause another rift. I am sorry you are having to deal with this, in any case. I myself might not understand the 'no pics on internet' policy but I would absolutely respect it, and be really embarrassed if I forgot someone's policy.

His mother blocking him on facebook but posting pictures of his kid seems really odd, too!

Nemesis

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I am really sorry that this is happening :(

Is cutting off all access to your child without your presence agreeable to your spouse? That way at least you can stop photos from being taken.

Venus193

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This sounds like the only way to do that.

Amara

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I agree with cutting off her access but I think you need to think this out before deciding to go this route, if you do.

What about holidays? What about school pictures or the ones you take? What happens as she gets older? What about other relatives and friends? Will you allow them to take pictures if they promise not to share them either online or with her? What happens if they do anyway? Will you and your DH be the sole picture taker and decide who gets them, and if so what guidelines do you wish to institute when you do share them?

It sounds like a messy and nasty situation and I am truly sorry for you. If I had a child I would do what you are doing. No pictures online, ever, however difficult that made it for others. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

SPuck

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It sounds like a messy and nasty situation and I am truly sorry for you. If I had a child I would do what you are doing. No pictures online, ever, however difficult that made it for others. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

I agree it is a messy situation and it sounds like a lot of it is just coming from her in-laws. I mean seriously Syrse was banned from the houses for a period of time, and why should the in-laws get access to the grandchild if they can't respect the mother?

kudeebee

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I would be concerned that mil has blocked your dh from her fb page.  Why?  Solely because of pictures she wants to post or due to what posts she is making about your family/you in particular.

You and dh need to really talk over this picture on internet decision.  I know you are worried about the pictures getting into the wrong hands and something being done to them, but honestly if a person is wanting to do that, he/she can take pictures of anybody out in public and do that.  There is no way you can ever be sure noone is taking/posting/altering pictures of your children.

More so, you and dh need to set boundaries in regards to mil.  He should not be going over to mil's place if she has banned you and he most definitely should not be taking your dd.  He is not in the middle, he is on YOUR SIDE period.end of discussion.  Until he realizes and enforces this with mil, you will always have problems.

DD should not be going anywhere that you are banned, even with her dad.  That includes to mil's.  That is a hill to die on.

gramma dishes

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...   

DD should not be going anywhere that you are banned, even with her dad.  That includes to mil's.  That is a hill to die on.

I 100% agree.  I would change one thing.



...   

DD should not be going anywhere that you are banned, even with her dad.  That includes ESPECIALLY to mil's.  That is a hill to die on.

Venus193

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I agree with cutting off her access but I think you need to think this out before deciding to go this route, if you do.

What about holidays? What about school pictures or the ones you take? What happens as she gets older? What about other relatives and friends? Will you allow them to take pictures if they promise not to share them either online or with her? What happens if they do anyway? Will you and your DH be the sole picture taker and decide who gets them, and if so what guidelines do you wish to institute when you do share them?

It sounds like a messy and nasty situation and I am truly sorry for you. If I had a child I would do what you are doing. No pictures online, ever, however difficult that made it for others. I wish you the best of luck in making your decision.

I think the OP needs to look at the history and assess whom she can really trust among her in-laws.  If she can't trust a BIL or SIL to not forward pictures to this insane MIL she should not let them take any or have any.

I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.