Author Topic: How to remind the family that I did not want pictures of our child on facebook?  (Read 11515 times)

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perpetua

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I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.

The OP's DH is also the parent, and he doesn't seem to mind if pictures are posted.

What if he *wants* to share them with family etc via FB? Does he not get a say in it? Why do her wishes trump his?

That could be part of the problem.

Nemesis

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I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.

The OP's DH is also the parent, and he doesn't seem to mind if pictures are posted.

What if he *wants* to share them with family etc via FB? Does he not get a say in it? Why do her wishes trump his?

That could be part of the problem.

I wonder if he was just agreeing with OP to avoid a fight with her, but actually does not mind sharing their child's pictures on Facebook. This could be why he isn't taking a stronger stand on it. I think OP needs to have a proper discussion with her spouse that allows him to be open about his opinion without the fear of being shot down. Note that I am not saying that OP shoots him down, I meant that there is a difference between "We need to talk" and "Let us have an open discussion on this". Some people don't like conflict and would just avoid it by letting you think whatever you want.

If he does agree strongly with the "no pictures online" rule, then his role should also be an active one. Not the passive one that he is currently taking.

perpetua

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I really don't see what is so difficult about this.  There is no social mandate to provide photos you don't wish to share or take.  The omnipresence of cameras just makes them possible, but not mandatory.  She is the parent and should have the last word on this.

The OP's DH is also the parent, and he doesn't seem to mind if pictures are posted.

What if he *wants* to share them with family etc via FB? Does he not get a say in it? Why do her wishes trump his?

That could be part of the problem.

I wonder if he was just agreeing with OP to avoid a fight with her, but actually does not mind sharing their child's pictures on Facebook. This could be why he isn't taking a stronger stand on it. I think OP needs to have a proper discussion with her spouse that allows him to be open about his opinion without the fear of being shot down. Note that I am not saying that OP shoots him down, I meant that there is a difference between "We need to talk" and "Let us have an open discussion on this". Some people don't like conflict and would just avoid it by letting you think whatever you want.

If he does agree strongly with the "no pictures online" rule, then his role should also be an active one. Not the passive one that he is currently taking.

Yes, this.

My OH for example is very conflict-avoidant. He'll agree with me on issues to avoid a fight then do exactly the opposite when it comes down to it, because it's actually something he wants to do, but didn't want to have a fight over.

If the OP's DH *does* want to use FB to share photos with the family I don't see why the OP should get the sole say in whether he can or not.

Venus193

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It should be the parents' prerogative only, but the problem is that no matter what you say to others I'm not sure that you can prevent anyone from sharing stuff you post on your FB page or share on theirs.

I just checked Photobucket and they don't have a way to disable sharing by others you choose to share with even when your album is otherwise private.

The OP should definitely have a serious discussion with her husband about this and I vote for a total moratorium about sharing photos with anyone until that is resolved.

Sharnita

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I think the problem is really bigger than the photo thing.  MIL (and possibly others?) treat OP badly and even block DH on facebook.  As DD gets older that dynamic will be confusing and upsetting.

Nemesis

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I think the problem is really bigger than the photo thing.  MIL (and possibly others?) treat OP badly and even block DH on facebook.  As DD gets older that dynamic will be confusing and upsetting.

Oh, I totally agree with this. But they are separate issues. His family is one gigantic issue. Photos going online is issue. Number 2. I thnk the family issue is way too big for etiquette. Probably needs some professional help. But the photos issue needs to be communicated properly, politely and with the active role of both parents.

Calistoga

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You said DH supports you in this. If both of the parents have made this decision, or agreed on the decision, then it's rude for others to ignore it. Even if DH doesn't feel as strongly about the picture issue as you do, he respects your desire not to have pictures of Baby on the internet.

I would sit down and talk to him about it first of all. Explain to him why it's a big deal to you. Help him understand 100 percent why you feel so strongly about this. Hopefully, even if he doesn't agree, he will understand that this is very important to you. The two of you need to talk and come up with an understanding.

Once the understanding has been met, then talk to family. If you guys both agree that a few pictures that are not tagged are OK, then let family members know not to tag her. Whatever the decision is, make it clear that the decision was made by BOTH of you.

If you see people posting pictures you aren't OK with, ask them politely to take them down and explain why. If issues arise, let facebook remove the picture.


As for MIL...that sounds like a whole nother pot of nonsense that DH needs to deal with.

Syrse

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OP here,

we seem to have gotten a bit off track, so an update before my poor DH completely comes off as the bad guy  :P We discussed the rules, SIL and other people have been reminded of them, which are now: a picture now and then is ok, no tagging, no mentioning names, no full albums. We've had a few other boundaries to set, but it all went over pleasant. I realize a few pictures aren't a hill to die on.
They have been warned about transporting her without proper carseat though. They seemed to understand our problem with it. Still, one more strike and we are revoking visitation.