Author Topic: When a child is openly rude/hostile, and parents don’t seem to care  (Read 5321 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: When a child is openly rude/hostile, and parents donít seem to care
« Reply #30 on: April 22, 2013, 03:05:22 PM »
It is not parenting someone else's child, or even mildly inappropriatte to make it clear how one wishes to be treated by others. The child did something to affect the adult and the adult explained their expectations. I see nothing wrong with what was said.

Saying that we can't point out when others have treated us badly just lets the boors know that their behavior is ok. The "don't point out rudeness" applies to people passing gas in public or using the wrong fork, not people stepping on our toes or barging past.

I agree with this.

Ignoring this particular behavior sends a signal that 12yo can be careless physically and no one, including the person being mistreated, will say or do anything.

We do teach people how to treat us.

We have these acquaintances that are pretty nice, but as parents go - they completely 'check out' when it comes to their kids. They allow a negative attitude, disrespect and misbehavior and they never say anything to their kids. I really like the mom but since my kids can't stand her kids, we'll not be close to 'til the kids are up-n-gone, I suppose.

There's been a lot, but a couple instances stand out in my mind:

We hosted a big party and this family as well as the mom's parents helped set up the day before. BB (the mom) has a dad in his 60's (JJ) that mostly did the physical setting up. Myself, my kids, DH, BB, JJ and Ichabod (BB's DH) were all working while BB's son was relaxing on a chair. After asking him to move so I could set up a table and listening to him 'sigh' I asked him why he wasn't helping. He said, "I'm tired!" Well I guess he would be since he grabbed my bike without permission and rode it all over our property. But he was also 11 or 12 so I said, "Your 65+yo grandpa is working his tail off to help set up. Get up and help because you're embarrassing him." He pouted for a while but did start helping. His parents both heard me but said nothing except to gently admonish him that he'd better behave or he would not attend the party (an utterly worthless threat). I didn't need his help, but it ticked me off to see his grandpa working his butt off while he lazed around complaining.

Another time, maybe 6 months later we were on a hike and I was the only parent there. So this young man, Virgil, was also on this hike. I ignored his constant chatter but when I saw a huge stick land a foot away from my daughter, I got angry and yelled, "You don't throw sticks in the direction of people! You could have taken her eye out or worse! (It's all fun and games til someone loses an eye, right?)" He just stared at me. Like a dope. So then I said, "this is where you say 'sorry' and we move on." He muttered a 'sorry' and avoided me for the rest of the hike. His sister, doesn't tend to misbehave in front of adults but has caused a share of problems for my daughter so my DD chooses not to spend any time with or thinking about her.

If I choose to refuse to parent my kid, I'd fully expect someone else to step it and do it. Especially if they behave in a way that immediately, negatively impacts others. Any of us should be made aware when we're doing that.

And yeah, not for using the wrong fork or floating air biscuits.

You see bloo, I think you were fine in the second example, but I think you overstepped in the first.  It isn't your place to make someone else's kid work - don't we tell people on this site that they shouldn't allow themselves to get voluntold to do things?  If his parents wanted him to work, they could have insisted, but you making some kid help set up your party because you don't think it's right for the Grandpa to volunteer to help while the kid doesn't isn't right in my eyes.  I say this as an adult who was forced to do work for my cousin's party until I finally just got up and left - I never agreed to help & I don't see why my parents saying they will help means I have to as well.

bloo

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Re: When a child is openly rude/hostile, and parents donít seem to care
« Reply #31 on: April 23, 2013, 09:40:59 AM »

You see bloo, I think you were fine in the second example, but I think you overstepped in the first.  It isn't your place to make someone else's kid work - don't we tell people on this site that they shouldn't allow themselves to get voluntold to do things?  If his parents wanted him to work, they could have insisted, but you making some kid help set up your party because you don't think it's right for the Grandpa to volunteer to help while the kid doesn't isn't right in my eyes.  I say this as an adult who was forced to do work for my cousin's party until I finally just got up and left - I never agreed to help & I don't see why my parents saying they will help means I have to as well.

You're absolutely right and I would totally do it again! ;D I'll admit I do not like her kids because of their consistent behavior / attitude. In this situation, they brought a child onto my property and then didn't supervise him (hence taking off with one of our bikes without permission and riding it all over the property and to the neighbor's as well as pestering my DS to quit helping so he'd play with him). A world apart from an adult being voluntold to help, IMO.

NyaChan

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Re: When a child is openly rude/hostile, and parents donít seem to care
« Reply #32 on: April 23, 2013, 01:13:12 PM »

You see bloo, I think you were fine in the second example, but I think you overstepped in the first.  It isn't your place to make someone else's kid work - don't we tell people on this site that they shouldn't allow themselves to get voluntold to do things?  If his parents wanted him to work, they could have insisted, but you making some kid help set up your party because you don't think it's right for the Grandpa to volunteer to help while the kid doesn't isn't right in my eyes.  I say this as an adult who was forced to do work for my cousin's party until I finally just got up and left - I never agreed to help & I don't see why my parents saying they will help means I have to as well.

You're absolutely right and I would totally do it again! ;D I'll admit I do not like her kids because of their consistent behavior / attitude. In this situation, they brought a child onto my property and then didn't supervise him (hence taking off with one of our bikes without permission and riding it all over the property and to the neighbor's as well as pestering my DS to quit helping so he'd play with him). A world apart from an adult being voluntold to help, IMO.

Except your interaction wasn't about the bike, your interaction was about not helping set up your party.

bloo

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Re: When a child is openly rude/hostile, and parents donít seem to care
« Reply #33 on: April 24, 2013, 04:11:50 PM »

You see bloo, I think you were fine in the second example, but I think you overstepped in the first.  It isn't your place to make someone else's kid work - don't we tell people on this site that they shouldn't allow themselves to get voluntold to do things?  If his parents wanted him to work, they could have insisted, but you making some kid help set up your party because you don't think it's right for the Grandpa to volunteer to help while the kid doesn't isn't right in my eyes.  I say this as an adult who was forced to do work for my cousin's party until I finally just got up and left - I never agreed to help & I don't see why my parents saying they will help means I have to as well.

You're absolutely right and I would totally do it again! ;D I'll admit I do not like her kids because of their consistent behavior / attitude. In this situation, they brought a child onto my property and then didn't supervise him (hence taking off with one of our bikes without permission and riding it all over the property and to the neighbor's as well as pestering my DS to quit helping so he'd play with him). A world apart from an adult being voluntold to help, IMO.

Except your interaction wasn't about the bike, your interaction was about not helping set up your party.

Yes, but if he wasn't going to behave or be supervised by adults that actually were helping, I figured I'd just put him to work. I think that was mentioned in another thread about how, if someone brings their children to help setup for a party (depending on their age/behavior) it's not really help.

Of course if he wanted to stay quietly in a chair and not pester my son into playing with him that should have been fine.