Author Topic: Informing my father about my grandma's death  (Read 3324 times)

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AngelicGamer

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Informing my father about my grandma's death
« on: April 21, 2013, 06:22:25 PM »
So... I'm kind of in a sticky situation here.  This shouldn't be long, at least I hope not.  Also, this is about my grandma on my mother's side - so not my father's mother.  I think that if something happened to my paternal grandmother, they would be the ones contacting me.

In August 2004, out of the blue, I received an email that my father and stepmother were cutting off contact with me.  So, no more visits and they asked that I didn't email or call them.  So, kind of a cut direct.  I say kind of because we still exchange birthday and Christmas cards with money / gift cards.  So, they still care about that but not enough to tell me what the heck I did to deserve a cut direct.  I understand that they don't need to tell me but this was completely out of the blue, as I was there a few weeks before this happened and nothing was out of the ordinary.  Nothing.  So, I was really hurt but respected their wishes.

Fast forward to now.  My grandma died on March 29th and we held a private (family and close friends of the family) funeral.  Information was passed through word of mouth throughout the family and friends.  However, I've been sitting here and thinking about how to tell my dad.  I still have his actual address, but it feels weird to send a card out of the blue.  I found him and my stepmother on Facebook, but it feels weird to send him a private message that way too.  I always send a thank you card back for whatever they send for my birthday but I don't feel like it's appropriate to put it in a thank you for a gift. 

Oh - just thought - I don't have his current email address.  I also feel that, if I did send a message to his email address, it wouldn't be seen due to filters.  However, I feel that if I did have his email address, I'd send it that way and wash my hands of it.  Mostly because the guilt would be off of me for not telling him as it is the ball being in his court if he wants to read an email from me.  And then I'd just mention it as a line in a thank you card of "we're getting along better since grandma's death even though the house feels so empty without her".  However, this line of what to do would probably be very PA of me.

Also, because I feel this is going to be asked, my grandma hated that my father cut me off out of the blue like this.  She never spoke of him, even if someone brought up him up like at the Christmas eve party with the cousins, because that's the way she was.  She never spoke ill of anyone because she kept the golden rule as gospel.  The only time she spoke ill of anyone, in all my life that I can remember, is of my father when all of this happened. 

So, wise e-hellions, what do I do? 

ETA: I thought I should put in which grandmother it is that died so it would help y'all with your responses.  :)




"Life's tough, huh?  And then you die." ~ Buck, the Magnificent Seven.

BarensMom

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2013, 06:27:44 PM »
You could put the obit in an envelope and mail it to your father without comment.  However, I'm sure that someone from the family has already contacted him - it is his mother, right?

AngelicGamer

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2013, 06:30:19 PM »
You could put the obit in an envelope and mail it to your father without comment.  However, I'm sure that someone from the family has already contacted him - it is his mother, right?

We didn't do an obit.  I'm not sure why we didn't do that or a death notice.  I think it's because we felt that everyone we wanted to notify was done via word of mouth.

And no, it's my mother's mom.  Sorry about that.




"Life's tough, huh?  And then you die." ~ Buck, the Magnificent Seven.

jedikaiti

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2013, 06:31:36 PM »
I wouldn't worry about it unless you know your Dad was particularly fond of your maternal Grandmother. Otherwise...

Do they live in the same town as your Grandmother? If so, assume they saw the obituary in the local paper and don't worry about it. If that doesn't work...

Do you include a newsletter with Xmas cards? If so, mention it there. "As always, 2013 was a year of highs and lows. High points were my new promotion at work, the cat failed to burn down the house, and some brave soul bought and rehabbed the crack house down the street. In sadder news, my Grandma Bertha passed away in March after a lengthy illness, and was interred in a lovely private ceremony. She was a wonderful woman who will be remembered fondly by all who knew her."

In other words, unless you have a specific reason to do so, I wouldn't bother notifying your Dad specifically. If you do so in the course of your remaining limited contact, that's fine, but I wouldn't go out of my way.
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MOM21SON

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #4 on: April 21, 2013, 06:31:54 PM »
I am sorry this happened to you. 

I don't understand why you even want to tell him?

kckgirl

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2013, 06:32:24 PM »
I think you should do nothing.
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BarensMom

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2013, 06:34:26 PM »
Since it was a former MIL, I wouldn't mention it.  If he finds out from other sources, then asks why you didn't tell him, you can honestly say, "Since we don't talk, I didn't want to burden you with that information."

SpikeMichigan

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #7 on: April 21, 2013, 06:34:37 PM »
   I'm guessing you're asking because in this siutation he really needs to know - did they have a close/any relationship?

 If you don't have current emails/phone numbers and they resolutely have to be notifed... I guess Facebook?

 Sure its pretty indifferent, but they seem to have communicated their desire for an indifferent relationship with you. A quick Facebook message saying, ' Just thougth you should know' - that way, they can do with the information what they wish.

 Sorry about your grandma.

Sharnita

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2013, 06:45:55 PM »
Was he fond of her?  Does he have a friend, neighbor or pastor you could contact and have them break the news face to face? If He and Grandma were not fond of each other I wouldn't bother.  otherwise I might see if there was a third party who could break the news to him.

MrTango

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2013, 07:09:12 PM »
I wouldn't tell him.

Cutting off contact goes both ways.  If he doesn't want to hear from you, then he can't reasonably expect you to relay any news, even something as big as a death in the family.

reflection5

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2013, 07:09:51 PM »
I wouldn't do anything, and I wouldn't worry about it.  It's not your responsibility to inform them about the death, and they've told you they want no contact.

It's also strange about them sending birthday and Christmas cards after telling you they don't want any contact.  I would nave returned the first card with a note:  "You told me you want no contact, so I'm puzzled as to why you sent this.  You never pothered to tell me what I've supposedly done wrong.  If you are ever willing to do that, let me know."

lkdrymom

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #11 on: April 21, 2013, 09:47:18 PM »
Why does he even need to know?

Judah

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2013, 09:52:03 PM »
Why does he even need to know?

This is where I am.  Why does he need to know? It's his former mother-in-law. If he had remained close to her, he would already know. If he hadn't remained close to her, he doesn't need to know. Either way, it's not your job to tell him.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2013, 10:00:56 PM »
Why does he even need to know?

This is where I am.  Why does he need to know? It's his former mother-in-law. If he had remained close to her, he would already know. If he hadn't remained close to her, he doesn't need to know. Either way, it's not your job to tell him.

Ditto!

*inviteseller

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Re: Informing my father about my grandma's death
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2013, 10:13:48 PM »
It is his former MIL and he has decided to do a cut direct with you, so you don't have to pass any info on.  I have to ask, like the others, why do you feel the need to tell him?