General Etiquette > Family and Children

How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, updates #90, #151

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LadyL:
BG here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124518.0

Basically my MIL wanted to turn the annual family reunion into our wedding shower, which we said no to for a variety of reasons. She agreed to do a  toast at the reunion but not do a whole shower.

This week MIL called LordL and asked for our bridal party's addresses so she could invite them to the "reunion." She also wants to invite my mother, father and stepmother.

In past years there were no mailed invitations, only verbal ones, and those did not include friends. My family has been told that they're always welcome to come to the reunion but it is 4 hours away on a holiday weekend so they never have.

I am pretty sure MIL is trying to make this a shower in everything but name. Main question: does that fear seem reasonable? LordL thinks some of my suspicion isn't warranted. I think he is tired of having to stand up to his mother all the time and would rather let her have her way than fight it, even though he knows that's bad in the long run.

 I am worried that if my parents come and I show up and there are gifts and it's a shower I'm going to get stuck grinning and bearing it for their sake.

What should we say to MIL, and what should we say to my parents? MIL tries to manipulate pretty much everyone she has any relationship with, but I don't know how to break it to them that they are being involved in one of her schemes without it seeming like trash talking.

BarensMom:
I would change my acceptance to the reunion to a decline.  Tell the bridal party and your parents what she's up to and tell them to decline as well.

She can't have a wedding shower without the bride.  If you're not there, MIL will be the one with egg on her face.

StarFaerie:

--- Quote from: BarensMom on April 21, 2013, 06:37:22 PM ---I would change my acceptance to the reunion to a decline.  Tell the bridal party and your parents what she's up to and tell them to decline as well.

She can't have a wedding shower without the bride.  If you're not there, MIL will be the one with egg on her face.

--- End quote ---

This is so perfect, I can't even express it. And as she is changing the event after you accepted the invitation, changing your RSVP is not rude.

jedikaiti:
Tell her your parents know about the reunion AS ALWAYS and will be there or not as they see fit, and since there's no good reason to invite friends to a FAMILY reunion, you will not be providing addresses. Act totally baffled as to why she would even consider inviting them, there's no reason to be interested. Also, you might want to brief the bridal party on the situation, that way if she gets hold of them anyway, they can a) be prepared to decline, and b) alert you so that you can take appropriate action.

Can you recruit ANYONE in the family to do some recon and find out if this is what she's up to? I agree with you, this REEKS of a shower-but-we're-calling-it-a-reunion (why would you need addresses to invite people for a TOAST?), and if you can confirm that through a 3rd party, DH might take it a bit more seriously.

And yes, I third BarensMom - send your regrets to the reunion NOW. "I'm afraid I have a prior commitment that I shall arrange as soon as possible."

PastryGoddess:

--- Quote from: jedikaiti on April 21, 2013, 06:44:10 PM ---Tell her your parents know about the reunion AS ALWAYS and will be there or not as they see fit, and since there's no good reason to invite friends to a FAMILY reunion, you will not be providing addresses. Act totally baffled as to why she would even consider inviting them, there's no reason to be interested. Also, you might want to brief the bridal party on the situation, that way if she gets hold of them anyway, they can a) be prepared to decline, and b) alert you so that you can take appropriate action.

Can you recruit ANYONE in the family to do some recon and find out if this is what she's up to? I agree with you, this REEKS of a shower-but-we're-calling-it-a-reunion (why would you need addresses to invite people for a TOAST?), and if you can confirm that through a 3rd party, DH might take it a bit more seriously.

And yes, I third BarensMom - send your regrets to the reunion NOW. "I'm afraid I have a prior commitment that I shall arrange as soon as possible."

--- End quote ---

This sentence is made of win  ;D 

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