Author Topic: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, updates #90, #151  (Read 39460 times)

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Outdoor Girl

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #60 on: April 23, 2013, 10:17:38 AM »
What a mess.

Is the reunion in another city?  If so, maybe you and LordL could book yourselves a nice little bed and breakfast in the area for the same time frame and then quietly invite the relatives you'd like to see to join you for brunch or something the morning after the reunion.  And tell them to say absolutely nothing to MIL.
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julianna

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #61 on: April 23, 2013, 10:21:37 AM »
Oh, poor LordL.  I'm sorry (though not surprised) that things turned out like that.  If you can encourage him to see a counselor, that might really help him learn to deal with his family.  It's so hard to recognize dysfunction when you've been raised to consider it "normal."

LadyL

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #62 on: April 23, 2013, 10:21:50 AM »
What a mess.

Is the reunion in another city?  If so, maybe you and LordL could book yourselves a nice little bed and breakfast in the area for the same time frame and then quietly invite the relatives you'd like to see to join you for brunch or something the morning after the reunion.  And tell them to say absolutely nothing to MIL.

I am advocating we do exactly that. We also have plenty of friends we can stay with in that area. We could still take the trip and see people separate from the reunion, though it will kick up some drama because MIL thinks everyone should do everything together as a faaaammmily for the entire week surrounding the reunion. My cynical take at this point is that her feelings are not our problem.

JenJay

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #63 on: April 23, 2013, 10:22:14 AM »
Big, big hugs!!

I have a feeling his mom is going to count on being able to guilt you both with "But I already told everyone you'd be there! You HAVE to come or they'll be sooo disappointed!" I'd make a few calls and make sure everyone knows that you are unable to attend the REUNION and it is NOT a wedding shower/toast.

Then, I'd leave on the table the possibility of sneaking to the reunion without his mother's knowledge so that she cannot ambush you with a shower. I'm not saying I'd plan to do that, because the possibility is very real that she'll count on that and have a trunk full of decorations and whatnot just in case, but I'd leave the option open and agree to decide later. Could you both get some time off and plan a long weekend visit to the area where these relatives live? Having that to look forward to might help your DF cope with this mess.  :-\

Edited because I didn't see your reply to OG when I posted - That sounds like an awesome plan! Just take care that MIL doesn't find out where you're staying and show up.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2013, 10:24:01 AM by JenJay »

Eden

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #64 on: April 23, 2013, 10:51:15 AM »
My cynical take at this point is that her feelings are not our problem.

They aren't. You can't control how other people feel. You can only control whether or not you operate in a reasonable, appropriate manner. I feel bad for you and LordL, but I also feel a little bit glad this came to a head so that you two can be more unified and go into your marriage on the same page knowing how that family dynamic needs to be handled. Best of luck!

NyaChan

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #65 on: April 23, 2013, 11:03:05 AM »
(((HUGS))) for LordL - I'm sorry that he is missing the opportunity to attend, but at the same time, an Aha Moment can be a useful thing for someone who has difficult parents.  I hope he finds a way to see people separately. 

weeblewobble

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #66 on: April 23, 2013, 11:32:51 AM »
Yes, the Aha moment, as Nyachan wisely put it, is really hard.  But better that he has it now, before the wedding, and has you there to support him through it. Big hugs to him.  And happy birthday cupcakes,

BeagleMommy

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #67 on: April 23, 2013, 11:42:22 AM »
{{{{LordL}}}}

This has to be difficult for him, but good to see that he stood his ground.  If you decide not to go, the only one who will look bad is MIL.  I like the idea of the two of you going to a B&B and meeting relatives for brunch.  Good luck.

EMuir

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #68 on: April 23, 2013, 11:53:20 AM »
I'm also sad for all the relatives who thought a reunion was coming up and then got a notice that it was really a shower.  Definitely get together with your relatives on your own. HUGS that you had to go through that.

wheeitsme

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #69 on: April 23, 2013, 12:23:15 PM »
What a mess.

Is the reunion in another city?  If so, maybe you and LordL could book yourselves a nice little bed and breakfast in the area for the same time frame and then quietly invite the relatives you'd like to see to join you for brunch or something the morning after the reunion.  And tell them to say absolutely nothing to MIL.

I am advocating we do exactly that. We also have plenty of friends we can stay with in that area. We could still take the trip and see people separate from the reunion, though it will kick up some drama because MIL thinks everyone should do everything together as a faaaammmily for the entire week surrounding the reunion. My cynical take at this point is that her feelings are not our problem.

Hugs and Happy Birthday!!!

This sounds like a workable solution.

nuit93

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #70 on: April 23, 2013, 12:33:55 PM »
Big birthday hugs to LordL!

gramma dishes

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #71 on: April 23, 2013, 12:36:17 PM »
Birthday hugs for LordL.  So sad that his "gift" came in the form of a revelation about his mother.  I'm sure you can think of things that will make this a happier and more celebratory day for him.   ;)

Hugs for you too.  This has been a challenge and I'm glad to hear that you're now on the same page.  That will serve you well for the rest of your lives.

Chickadee

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #72 on: April 23, 2013, 12:39:16 PM »
How do you think it would go over if you and LordL told MIL that she would have to call every guest that she sent invitations to and tell them that it is not a shower after all? Tell her if she won't do that, then you and LordL will not attend the reunion at all.

Oh, and big hugs to LordL as well as Happy Birthday wishes.

And hugs to you too, even though you didn't ask for them.

MrTango

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #73 on: April 23, 2013, 12:45:08 PM »
How do you think it would go over if you and LordL told MIL that she would have to call every guest that she sent invitations to and tell them that it is not a shower after all? Tell her if she won't do that, then you and LordL will not attend the reunion at all.

Oh, and big hugs to LordL as well as Happy Birthday wishes.

And hugs to you too, even though you didn't ask for them.

I don't know if that would be effective.  Even if the OP did this, her MIL could *say* that she called everyone and the feign surprise when they showed up.

NyaChan

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59.
« Reply #74 on: April 23, 2013, 12:46:29 PM »
How do you think it would go over if you and LordL told MIL that she would have to call every guest that she sent invitations to and tell them that it is not a shower after all? Tell her if she won't do that, then you and LordL will not attend the reunion at all.

Oh, and big hugs to LordL as well as Happy Birthday wishes.

And hugs to you too, even though you didn't ask for them.

I don't know if that would be effective.  Even if the OP did this, her MIL could *say* that she called everyone and the feign surprise when they showed up.

That and also, it seems LordL left that conversation in a position of power rather than concession to MIL's wants.  I don't think he should backtrack to a position of compromise after his previous attempt was essentially thrown in his face when she mailed out those invites despite agreeing not to.