Author Topic: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, updates #90, #151  (Read 42488 times)

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buvezdevin

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #105 on: April 29, 2013, 12:11:35 PM »
Congrats on the break through.

Regarding making any arrangements of any kind to see visiting relatives around or at the time of the reunion, I have a hard time seeing how this could be done without involving others in the boundary setting, and need for same which is happening between you, LordL and his parents.  That might make sense if you and LordL had decided to sever ties with his parents, but wished to remain in contact with other relatives.  Since the case sounds more like "we are engaged in boundary setting with LordL's parents, and still want them in our lives but are working on dynamics." - that seems like something which would be awkward and uncomfortable for others to be made aware of, and effectively asked to follow along with by scheduling separate visiting time with you and LordL. 

If I were asked to meet with a couple separate from a large family gathering with these circumstances, I might well feel supportive, though of who and why would depend on what I knew of the situation, and the individuals - I *know* I would feel uncomfortable with being made a party to the "discipline of setting boundaries" between other family members by agreeing to socialize separately.

I would suggest that if you and LordL continue to decline to attend the reunion, take it for what it is - MIL has put you in the position of either allowing her to do as she wishes, in total disregard of your feelings on matters relating to you two (shower/toast/whatever) or missing out on a group family reunion and chance to see relatives.  You did not create the issue, and it is possible for you to "fix" the issue this time, but standing firm will provide MIL consequences for her actions.  While you and LordL will miss seeing relatives, I would still not try to arrange separate get togethers as being too likely to spread and grow drama/discomfort, and risk sending MIL a message of spiteful retaliation rather than her own actions having consequences she could avoid.
Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.
Mark Twain

thedudeabides

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #106 on: April 29, 2013, 12:29:32 PM »
Having your own mini-reunion is just going to lead to lots of awkward questions about why you didn't attend the other reunion and drag relatives into your issues with your MIL unwillingly. That's unfair to them. I'm glad you got the results you wanted, but don't erase them with an event of your own.

weeblewobble

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #107 on: April 29, 2013, 12:30:09 PM »
There is something about the idea of an FMIL-not-invited mini-reunion that says "look at me".  I know your heart is in the right place. 

If LordL really wants to see the relatives, I would show up after the official reunion, and join whatever the family was doing already.

POD.  I think all of the involved parties' feelings are too raw to do a showertype event on your own.   It would very clearly communicate the sentiment, "We didn't mind the idea of a shower after all, we just didn't want MIL plan it."  And while that may be true, it's a little hostile to do that as a family event.

Deetee

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #108 on: April 29, 2013, 01:06:43 PM »
I think that is a great update. I also agree with people that go with not being involved in any reunion or largish event. However remember that is only temporary. Your wedding will be a family event (I assume unless you choose to elope) and you will have a lifetime together to forge your own independent relationships with the family. I think that is the best plan. Make sure you never need MIL as the gatekeeper. Send your own Christmas cards or birthday cards, friend on Facebook and call or visit our chat online. This will mean that people will not need MIL as a gatekeeper either.

Later, you may end up with her organising events. (Bossy organised people are often great for getting things done) but you want to avoid needing her. She will abuse that power so just don't let her have that.

cheyne

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #109 on: April 29, 2013, 01:43:29 PM »
One thing about "setting boundries" for others is that we have to set our own boundries too.  It's like lowspark said, sometimes you have to miss out on things to get your message across loud and clear.

I don't think it's a good idea to have anything to do with the reunion.  Do not go, do not have an event separately.  I know that if I were invited to a separate event and you and LordL weren't at the reunion I would feel uncomfortable and wonder what the heck was going on.

LordL will have to resign himself to the fact that he will miss this year's reunion.  His close relatives will be at the wedding this autumn, and he can see the rest next year.

GSNW

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #110 on: April 29, 2013, 02:10:46 PM »
Regarding the idea of another party, DH and I had an afternoon BBQ/lunch the day after our wedding.  A considerable amount of family on both sides traveled 5+ hours to my hometown for the wedding, and at a reception of 250ish, it's hard to spend quality time with each person outside coming to all the tables.  For us, this was a nice way to spend more time with the family in a much less formal setting (my parents' backyard).  It wasn't "look at us," it was "thanks for coming and I'd like to spend more time with you."

No involvement from MIL doesn't have to mean she's not invited... it's just that she's a guest like everyone else, and Lord L can still spend time with family members that are important to him.

Roe

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #111 on: April 29, 2013, 02:38:08 PM »
Skip the reunion.  Don't plan your own party. 

Continually trying to "make this right" doesn't seem to be working so my advice is to skip everything and "reset" the relationship going forward.  Sad that he will miss the reunion but what else can he do without undoing everything he's worked hard to create? 

LeveeWoman

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #112 on: April 29, 2013, 02:47:26 PM »
  His father actually acknowledged that MIL was out of line, apologized on behalf of both of them, said he would respect whatever decision we made, and asked us to take a few days to make sure we were sure. LordL agreed.

How many times has he already told them ya'll wouldn't be coming?! If his family has any flying monkeys, look out for them to descend upon ya'll soon.

rose red

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #113 on: April 29, 2013, 02:53:06 PM »
Regarding the idea of another party, DH and I had an afternoon BBQ/lunch the day after our wedding.  A considerable amount of family on both sides traveled 5+ hours to my hometown for the wedding, and at a reception of 250ish, it's hard to spend quality time with each person outside coming to all the tables.  For us, this was a nice way to spend more time with the family in a much less formal setting (my parents' backyard).  It wasn't "look at us," it was "thanks for coming and I'd like to spend more time with you."

No involvement from MIL doesn't have to mean she's not invited... it's just that she's a guest like everyone else, and Lord L can still spend time with family members that are important to him.

I feel your situation is different because you were at both events.  It wasn't like you skipped the 250 people reception only to throw a smaller party for a selected few.

If I got an invitation for a separate party, I would think the OP was the rude and petty one.  I agree with those who said to either go or don't go, but don't throw your own event.

Roe

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #114 on: April 29, 2013, 03:02:20 PM »
If I got an invitation for a separate party, I would think the OP was the rude and petty one. 

I would think the same thing!

EmmaJ.

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #115 on: April 29, 2013, 03:28:50 PM »
I would be afraid MIL would think "They've come!  I win!  They didn't mean anything about boundaries!"

And then she will never ever ever change her tactics.

Do not go within a million miles of the reunion.

CharlieBraun

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #116 on: April 29, 2013, 03:30:15 PM »
  His father actually acknowledged that MIL was out of line, apologized on behalf of both of them, said he would respect whatever decision we made, and asked us to take a few days to make sure we were sure. LordL agreed.

How many times has he already told them ya'll wouldn't be coming?! If his family has any flying monkeys, look out for them to descend upon ya'll soon.

And this is why I plan to propose to LeveeWoman next time we find ourselves between relationships.

"We ate the pies."

LeveeWoman

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #117 on: April 29, 2013, 03:35:08 PM »
  His father actually acknowledged that MIL was out of line, apologized on behalf of both of them, said he would respect whatever decision we made, and asked us to take a few days to make sure we were sure. LordL agreed.

How many times has he already told them ya'll wouldn't be coming?! If his family has any flying monkeys, look out for them to descend upon ya'll soon.

And this is why I plan to propose to LeveeWoman next time we find ourselves between relationships.

LOL!

Snooks

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #118 on: April 29, 2013, 04:05:29 PM »
You run the risk of dragging the rest of the family into the drama if you have an event the same weekend as the reunion.  It becomes a them and us situation.  By not going the rest of the family need not know about MIL's antics they just need to know that you two couldn't make it.

WillyNilly

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #119 on: April 29, 2013, 04:30:58 PM »
I understand why you want to do the separate party. And pretty much it boils down to because you (both) don't want to have lost what your FMIL took from you (the reunion, catching up, seeing people, etc). But that's the thing, the catch 22, she did it already. She already poisoned that well and there is no fixing it. You need to start over fresh. A whole 'nother way to see those folks, a whole 'nother time. And you are trying to salvage because you don't want to be the ones who got hurt, the ones who suffer for her actions. But its too late. You will suffer (by not getting to see your DF's extended family at that time). The only way around you missing the people is to suffer in the different way (give in and go).

It sucks, but you both need to just accept this issue is what it is, and the reunion and all the events and days surrounding it are poisoned.