Author Topic: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, updates #90, #151  (Read 39290 times)

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gollymolly2

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #120 on: April 29, 2013, 04:53:34 PM »
The thing about boundaries is - it's much easier to stop people from pushing your boundaries when your boundaries are real. In other words - if you and your fiance really truly don't want the attention of an engagement party or toast at the reunion, then you can create that firm boundary and insist that other people respect that boundary. 

But if you guys do end up hosting your one event, then it looks like it wasn't really a boundary, it was just an excuse to show your MIL that you're in charge now. And it just encourages your MIL to ignore your boundaries in the future, because she will think based on this experience that they're not real boundaries, it's just a power struggle.

jedikaiti

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #121 on: April 29, 2013, 05:00:38 PM »
I don't recall where all these relatives live - if they're not too far away, or if visiting is a huge undertaking - but if at all possible, you should plan on the visits & catching up to happen any time BUT that weekend. Don't go anywhere near there at that time for any reason short of a medical emergency. Arrange get-togethers with relatives at any other time possible. As a PP said, FMIL has already poisoned the reunion well, if you show up in the area that weekend, she'll take that as a win for her. You can't afford that, unless you want her boundary trampling to continue.
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Kaypeep

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #122 on: April 29, 2013, 05:06:23 PM »
POD to NOT having your own party or gathering during the reunion.  I think you should skip it altogether, or if there are some relatives your DH wants to see specifically let him make a solo trip to pop in and visit with them on his own.  I might be cynical but if this is an annual thing, I think missing one year shouldn't be that big of a deal.  Also, if there are some elderly relatives who are ill, then DH should make a point of seeing them himself anyway and not wait for the reunion to do so.  But no matter what, if you guys try to organize anything yourselves that is even semi-related to the reunion you're going to be opening yourselves up to more drama.  Stop the madness, stick to your guns and just take a pass this year otherwise your threat to MIL was empty and meaningless.

Iris

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #123 on: April 29, 2013, 05:09:09 PM »
  His father actually acknowledged that MIL was out of line, apologized on behalf of both of them, said he would respect whatever decision we made, and asked us to take a few days to make sure we were sure. LordL agreed.

How many times has he already told them ya'll wouldn't be coming?! If his family has any flying monkeys, look out for them to descend upon ya'll soon.

I'm not planning to propose, but I think this is wise. I don't believe this is over, myself.
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Maude

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #124 on: April 29, 2013, 05:10:09 PM »
How often does your H really NEED to see these distant relatives? He has seen them at the annual reunion for X number of years. He saw them last year? They will survive if he is unable to make it to this year's reunion.

TurtleDove

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #125 on: April 29, 2013, 05:16:56 PM »
I've struggled to understand this thread all along, but since it seems both the OP and her DF want to see the relatives, and it seems MIL grasps that she overstepped and the shower aspects won't be happening, I really don't see why the OP and her DF can't go to the reunion.  It seems they want to see the relatives, and I simply do not understand why and how this has developed into such a big deal.  Unless I missed it, it seems everyone is aware that this is NOT a shower, despite what MIL did.  The OP's parents and bridal party will not be in attendance.  Everyone is aware there is some sort of snafu relating to MIL.  I doubt anyone is really thinking about this so much, but I do think that it seems strange for the OP and her DH to not go to the reunion basically just to spite MIL.

Bottom line: If the DF wants to see his relatives, I don't see why he wouldn't attend the reunion.  Frankly, I think it looks really odd that the OP would risk offending her soon to be relatives by not attending.  OP, have you attended the reunion in past years?

gollymolly2

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #126 on: April 29, 2013, 05:17:50 PM »
How often does your H really NEED to see these distant relatives? He has seen them at the annual reunion for X number of years. He saw them last year? They will survive if he is unable to make it to this year's reunion.

This doesn't seem fair. If her husband WANTS to see his relatives twenty times a year, that's his prerogative, and it's something that should be factored into their decision making. Lady L doesn't NEED to not have an engagement toast, it's just something she doesn't want. Why does her husband's preference have to be a need?

And your last sentence seems totally wrong since I believe she said some of them are quite elderly. So indeed he may not see them if he doesn't see them this year.

Lady L and her fiancÚ seem to have worked this out amongst themselves, but I don't think your formulation of it is fair at all.

NyaChan

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #127 on: April 29, 2013, 06:50:47 PM »
I've struggled to understand this thread all along, but since it seems both the OP and her DF want to see the relatives, and it seems MIL grasps that she overstepped and the shower aspects won't be happening, I really don't see why the OP and her DF can't go to the reunion.  It seems they want to see the relatives, and I simply do not understand why and how this has developed into such a big deal.  Unless I missed it, it seems everyone is aware that this is NOT a shower, despite what MIL did.  The OP's parents and bridal party will not be in attendance.  Everyone is aware there is some sort of snafu relating to MIL.  I doubt anyone is really thinking about this so much, but I do think that it seems strange for the OP and her DH to not go to the reunion basically just to spite MIL.

Bottom line: If the DF wants to see his relatives, I don't see why he wouldn't attend the reunion.  Frankly, I think it looks really odd that the OP would risk offending her soon to be relatives by not attending.  OP, have you attended the reunion in past years?

This is a good point - is there a serious worry that MIL may do the whole bridal toast/shower/extravaganza anyways if you do show up?  Or is it meant to be a consequence for her? As in, You disregarded our request that you not do this thing, therefore we will deny you our presence at the reunion?

doodlemor

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #128 on: April 29, 2013, 07:05:31 PM »
I've struggled to understand this thread all along, but since it seems both the OP and her DF want to see the relatives, and it seems MIL grasps that she overstepped and the shower aspects won't be happening, I really don't see why the OP and her DF can't go to the reunion.  It seems they want to see the relatives, and I simply do not understand why and how this has developed into such a big deal.  Unless I missed it, it seems everyone is aware that this is NOT a shower, despite what MIL did.  The OP's parents and bridal party will not be in attendance.  Everyone is aware there is some sort of snafu relating to MIL.  I doubt anyone is really thinking about this so much, but I do think that it seems strange for the OP and her DH to not go to the reunion basically just to spite MIL.

Bottom line: If the DF wants to see his relatives, I don't see why he wouldn't attend the reunion.  Frankly, I think it looks really odd that the OP would risk offending her soon to be relatives by not attending.  OP, have you attended the reunion in past years?

I think that most, if not all, of the PP don't believe that MIL has learned the boundary lesson yet.  If OP and DF show up at all she is likely to do exactly as she pleases, and the reunion will be turned into a shower.  This is evidenced by her scheming and lying to LadyL and DF about the plans that she had already made for the party.  The truth has only come out in driblets.

When LordL spoke with his dad his father asked him to basically consider the whole thing again, even though he did give an apology.  I concur with wise Leveewoman that the flying monkeys are probably on the way.  IMHO it is likely easier for FIL to go along with MIL's plans than to oppose them.

TootsNYC

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #129 on: April 29, 2013, 07:14:18 PM »
There is something about the idea of an FMIL-not-invited mini-reunion that says "look at me".  I know your heart is in the right place. 

If LordL really wants to see the relatives, I would show up after the official reunion, and join whatever the family was doing already.

Yes, I really don't understand why you would be considering throwing yourselves a party after making such a big deal about MIL NOT throwing you one.  I am not certain what you would be accomplishing by throwing your own event aside from making yourselves look petty and vindictive and really hurting MIL, who while she clearly has boundary issues still seems, to me, to have her heart in the right place. If you don't want to be celebrated for your engagement, don't throw yourselves a party.

I agree--I think if you want to enforce the boundary, then you just don't have any event even remotely like what MIL wanted.

If you miss seeing everyone, then try to arrange some post-wedding get-together of your own--going to see them or something.

GSNW

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #130 on: April 29, 2013, 07:23:49 PM »
Regarding the idea of another party, DH and I had an afternoon BBQ/lunch the day after our wedding.  A considerable amount of family on both sides traveled 5+ hours to my hometown for the wedding, and at a reception of 250ish, it's hard to spend quality time with each person outside coming to all the tables.  For us, this was a nice way to spend more time with the family in a much less formal setting (my parents' backyard).  It wasn't "look at us," it was "thanks for coming and I'd like to spend more time with you."

No involvement from MIL doesn't have to mean she's not invited... it's just that she's a guest like everyone else, and Lord L can still spend time with family members that are important to him.

I feel your situation is different because you were at both events.  It wasn't like you skipped the 250 people reception only to throw a smaller party for a selected few.

If I got an invitation for a separate party, I would think the OP was the rude and petty one.  I agree with those who said to either go or don't go, but don't throw your own event.

You're right, and I think I totally misunderstood -- I thought she was thinking of having another gathering at the same time as the wedding.  I think I was just trying to cram lunch in and some reading at the same time :)

blarg314

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #131 on: April 29, 2013, 07:59:41 PM »
I've struggled to understand this thread all along, but since it seems both the OP and her DF want to see the relatives, and it seems MIL grasps that she overstepped and the shower aspects won't be happening, I really don't see why the OP and her DF can't go to the reunion.

Because we have no proof the MIL has actually grasped this. She *says* she has, but she's also lied about it before, including saying she hadn't sent invitations yet (when she had) and that she had sent invitations only to LordL's side of the family (when she had send them to LadyL's family too). So far the only consistent thing is that MIL will verbally back off when confronted, but still do whatever the eHell she wants anyways, lie about it until she's caught, and not be at all sorry about any of it.

So if they back down and go, I would bet money on a shower happening anyways.

As with PP's, I think going and trying to have a stealth reunion after the main event without MIL invited is an extraordinarily bad idea - even worse than giving up and letting MIL host the shower.  What I can easily see happening....

 - MIL hijacks it, and shows with the rest of the guests and a shower prepared (or a set of hysterical grievances). She has the whole reunion to get everyone else involved, after all, and you won't be there without your side of the story.

 - The rest of the family gets actively dragged into the fight.

- You end up with a screaming fight at your stealth reunion, and shunned by most of the family, who then boycott your wedding.

 From previous posts, it sounds like the family in general has issues, so I wouldn't depend on people seeing your point of view, or taking your side over your MIL's, or even not bringing MIL with them to your party. And if you throw an after party for a reunion you've boycotted, you will lose the moral high ground.

Setting boundaries often has a cost. The cost of this boundary is staying away from the reunion completely. It sucks in the short term, but will be worth it in the long term.

rain

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #132 on: April 29, 2013, 08:26:05 PM »
I've struggled to understand this thread all along, but since it seems both the OP and her DF want to see the relatives, and it seems MIL grasps that she overstepped and the shower aspects won't be happening, I really don't see why the OP and her DF can't go to the reunion.  It seems they want to see the relatives, and I simply do not understand why and how this has developed into such a big deal.  Unless I missed it, it seems everyone is aware that this is NOT a shower, despite what MIL did.  The OP's parents and bridal party will not be in attendance.  Everyone is aware there is some sort of snafu relating to MIL.  I doubt anyone is really thinking about this so much, but I do think that it seems strange for the OP and her DH to not go to the reunion basically just to spite MIL.

Bottom line: If the DF wants to see his relatives, I don't see why he wouldn't attend the reunion.  Frankly, I think it looks really odd that the OP would risk offending her soon to be relatives by not attending.  OP, have you attended the reunion in past years?


Turtledove - Lady L's future MIL has a habit of ignoring boundaries - and as many of us who have ILs who don't respect boundaries have learned you need to set boundaries, stick to them, AND there need to be consequences

(FYI - my ex-ILs understood boundaries, and we will still do things together with my kid/their grandchild; current ILs had no boundaries, pulled stunts that caused me, my kid, my DM, and once even my ex hurt/pain - I avoid them like the plague now - I really wish I'd set boundaries starting with the wedding .... because then we might not be at this point)
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TurtleDove

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #133 on: April 29, 2013, 09:41:17 PM »
Turtledove - Lady L's future MIL has a habit of ignoring boundaries - and as many of us who have ILs who don't respect boundaries have learned you need to set boundaries, stick to them, AND there need to be consequences

I agree with this, but presumably the inlaws know MIL.  Presumably, if this is the way she is, she is not going to be pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. To me, if MIL is a toxic person, the inlaws know this.  To me, skipping the reunion is not going to be a good move to ingratiate the OP and her DF with the inlaws.  Let MIL make a fool of herself.  If the inlaws don't see it that way, that's another story.  But assuming they get that MIL is the "bad actor" here, I don't think the OP and her DF "win" by skipping the reunion.

saffron

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Re: How to stop the escalation? Final implosion #59, another update #90
« Reply #134 on: April 29, 2013, 09:55:45 PM »
Honestly - at this point - I would go out of town the weekend of the reunion.

That way you won't be tempted to backslide. The boundaries will be enforced and you won't be faced with any flying monkeys the weekend of. Plus it will give your DF something to look forward too since he's bummed about missing the reunion.

Also: If she already sent invites to your parents - you might want to make sure that no one else from 'your side' is planning to attend.