Author Topic: To share or not ... that is the question  (Read 39032 times)

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lakey

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #15 on: April 22, 2013, 01:24:01 AM »
This isn't about the blanket or the pills. It's about your needing to communicate with your lodger and set ground rules. I had roommates when I was younger, these things don't improve unless you speak up. Nicely. If you won't take responsibility for speaking your mind you will be miserable.

Say things such as:
"I'm a bit fussy about my crocheted throw. I prefer you not use it."
"I really can't afford to supply you with headache medicine, I think we need to each buy our own stuff."

If she's offended too bad. She needs to buy her own stuff.

Cuddlepie

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #16 on: April 22, 2013, 02:15:46 AM »
Lakey, I totally agree with the sentiment in your post.  But, I have found that despite our discussion of ground rules, some things keep cropping up that I did not and could not have expected. I have brought up the issues in a nice way as they occurred and to be honest I don't have many rules as such, apart from expecting the three of us to be courteous and respectful of each other.  eg;  don't leave the kitchen messy and coming in quietly late at night.

Quoted from Lakey's post.  "If she's offended too bad. She needs to buy her own stuff."   I hate offending or hurting anyone and this attitude is one that I've had to cultivate with her due to the issue of borrowing a little and then using it all so there was none left for me and my son.  I found this totally inconsiderate and told her that from now on she does not get to borrow any food at all.  You know, 3 strikes and you're out !!

Slartibartfast

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #17 on: April 22, 2013, 02:28:55 AM »
She's paying for the right to use the common space (the living room).  Since you have the space furnished, and it's not like she has the option of putting all the furnishings away and pulling out her own whenever she wants to use it, I think it's reasonable to assume she's paying for the right to use the furnishings as well.  If it were me, I would assume that I could use anything other than personal or hygiene items - and I wouldn't think twice about using a blanket if it were left on the sofa.  (That's "using it while actually sitting on that sofa" - taking the blanket back to my room, building a pillow fort with it, etc. would be stretching reasonableness.)

Onyx_TKD

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #18 on: April 22, 2013, 03:29:18 AM »
Thank you for the replies and your perspectives.

To clarify:  This is my home.  Everything is in my name and I own the furniture, kitchen equipment, well.... everything in the unit. Lodger pays to use her room and en-suite bathroom but shares the kitchen and living area with me and my son.  She owns nothing that we share. According to local law, I can make the rules for the house and a lodger virtually has little rights. Lodgers can be asked to move out without notice, not that I would do that).  So as Nyachan said, it is a business relationship, friendly but nonetheless a business relationship.  The pill issue had been handled tactfully (thanks e-hell :) ) when I discovered that they were all gone!

So, 'my' blanket:  It is folded and left over the arm on the sofa.  When I saw my lodger using it I was perturbed as she had it tucked around her feet and way up around her face.  I don't know why I feel like this, but it is like she is being too personal with it .... sorry, can't explain my rationale any better. 

Now, after reading the replies so far, am I acting in a PA way by moving the blanket and only bringing it to the living room while I'm wanting to watch TV, so she doesn't have access to it.  Part of me says it's OK not to share BUT another part is saying don't be petty :(

Any further advice guys?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to share your blanket. However, you say yourself that you own everything in the common areas, which she is expected to share (e.g. furnishings, kitchen equipment, etc.) and the blanket is kept out in the common area. So how would your lodger know that this particular item in the common areas is off-limits? I think either keeping the blanket in your room when you're not actively using it or informing the lodger that you'd prefer that she not use that blanket would be fine. You just need to do something to make it clear that the blanket isn't for communal use, since there's no way for her to know otherwise.

MariaE

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2013, 04:29:51 AM »
She's paying for the right to use the common space (the living room).  Since you have the space furnished, and it's not like she has the option of putting all the furnishings away and pulling out her own whenever she wants to use it, I think it's reasonable to assume she's paying for the right to use the furnishings as well.  If it were me, I would assume that I could use anything other than personal or hygiene items - and I wouldn't think twice about using a blanket if it were left on the sofa.  (That's "using it while actually sitting on that sofa" - taking the blanket back to my room, building a pillow fort with it, etc. would be stretching reasonableness.)

This. If I'm allowed to use a sofa, and a blanket is left, folded (i.e. "not currently in use") on that sofa, I would assume I was allowed to use that blanket as well, and that it did, in fact, go with the use of the sofa.

If you don't want her to use the blanket, you'll need to either tell her, or move it to your room when you're not using it yourself. That's not PA at all :)
 
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Raintree

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #20 on: April 22, 2013, 04:59:54 AM »
I agree with the posters that said if it's on the sofa, it appears to be fair game. At least, that is what I would assume, ie that it's for use with the sofa.

I see nothing wrong with you not wanting her to use it though, but she can't possibly know that, so I think it's fine to keep it in your bedroom or say to her, "Oh, if you're looking for a blanket, do you mind using this other one instead? This one is my personal one."

The headache pills would be annoying. I had a lodger in my apartment (ie, I rented the apartment, and rented the spare room, with furnishings, to her for a few months while she studied in town). I liked to keep a good supply of feminine products in the bathroom, for myself, because, you know, it's a real bummer to find yourself caught short in the middle of the night. She asked if she could use one or two, and I said sure. Then the next time I went to retrieve some for myself, I found the box nearly empty! I was so annoyed. I did say something to her (politely, I think) and she said, "But I only used like a couple!" No, she used more than a couple, because I had a full box in there!

At the very least, the lodger should have said something: "I used some more of your headache pills; I hope you don't mind. You're running low so I will replace the bottle." Some of us like to keep things on hand for those emergencies that arise, and stock up ahead of time. There is another type of person that only notices the empty container when they need it in the middle of the night.

kherbert05

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #21 on: April 22, 2013, 06:15:10 PM »
I get the blanket being special. I would move it into your room - but if it is cold in the room I would put a different blanket out there for common use.
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SiotehCat

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2013, 06:24:13 PM »
I keep a couple of small blankets on the corners of each of my couches. One of my blankets is a hand crotched blanket that I bought at a farmers market. I keep the blankets mostly for my cats, but also so that anyone can use them when they are watching television.

My mother does the same thing.

I always just thought that is what they were there for.

Having said that, maybe I would feel differently if I had crotched it myself. In that case, I agree with previous posters about putting it in your private space.

Moray

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2013, 06:45:58 PM »
I don't think it's an unreasonable assumption to think that a non-consumable household good in a common area would be okay for household use. If she's told "hands off!" of course that should be respected, but generally, couches are to sit on, lamps are for giving light, and blankets/throws left on the couch are for warmth :)

If the blanket is very special, it would be best to keep it in a private part of the home and bring it out for your own personal use.
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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2013, 06:48:20 PM »
I can certainly understand not wanting a special item to be used communally, and you don't have to justify that.  I think the graceful thing to do would be to leave a different blanket on the sofa that you don't mind her using, and bringing out your blanket when you want to use it.  That would not be PA.

It's a tough thing to live with other people in the best of circumstances, and it sounds like you are both still finding your feet in this situation.

I think this would be a nice way to handle it.  It is certainly OK to have special things for yourself, but you don't want to be nitpicking at her about not touching things that she doesn't know are off - limits.

Setting reasonable boundaries without going off the deep end in the other direction, is a tough balancing act.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #25 on: April 22, 2013, 06:53:54 PM »
I can certainly understand not wanting a special item to be used communally, and you don't have to justify that.  I think the graceful thing to do would be to leave a different blanket on the sofa that you don't mind her using, and bringing out your blanket when you want to use it.  That would not be PA.

It's a tough thing to live with other people in the best of circumstances, and it sounds like you are both still finding your feet in this situation.

I think this would be a nice way to handle it.  It is certainly OK to have special things for yourself, but you don't want to be nitpicking at her about not touching things that she doesn't know are off - limits.

Setting reasonable boundaries without going off the deep end in the other direction, is a tough balancing act.

This. I don't think you can complain if you've never told her to not use it. You can complain once you tell her and she still uses it.

"Lodger, I'm a bit picky about that blanket and prefer no one but me to use it. Would you mind using the one from your bed or this one?"

for what it's worth, we keep about 6 throws in our family room and all of us just grab one to use. They all look similar and I have to really pay attention to tell which is which. Except DD. She has hers that she doesn't want others using and we respect that. Unless she leaves it on the chair and then if I sit down, I'll use it because I'm not paying attention that it is "hers". So if you do offer up a different throw, make sure it is very different from yours.

Cuddlepie

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #26 on: April 22, 2013, 06:59:39 PM »
Thank all for your replies.  I am feeling a rather childish now regarding the blanket and I realise that it just caught me by surprise when I saw lodger sitting with it wrapped so closely to her face. I've never considered myself a germaphobe before ;(.

Tonight there will be a blanket 'ceremony' ... the forecast is for a cooler wetter day today .... so the timing should be perfect.  I will hand my son his blanket, which is still stored in the hall cupboard, and also hand one to lodger and mention that it is her special TV watching snuggling blanket to use while she lives with us.  My personal blanket will be left folded in a cane basket on the floor making it less accessible than it was. Lodger's blanket can be kept on the sofa within easy reach.  Maybe lodger will conclude that I am really a caring thoughtful person .... as i try to be.

Thanks again for your lovely tactful and understanding replies :)

Moray

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #27 on: April 22, 2013, 07:05:51 PM »
Thank all for your replies.  I am feeling a rather childish now regarding the blanket and I realise that it just caught me by surprise when I saw lodger sitting with it wrapped so closely to her face. I've never considered myself a germaphobe before ;(.

Tonight there will be a blanket 'ceremony' ... the forecast is for a cooler wetter day today .... so the timing should be perfect.  I will hand my son his blanket, which is still stored in the hall cupboard, and also hand one to lodger and mention that it is her special TV watching snuggling blanket to use while she lives with us.  My personal blanket will be left folded in a cane basket on the floor making it less accessible than it was. Lodger's blanket can be kept on the sofa within easy reach.  Maybe lodger will conclude that I am really a caring thoughtful person .... as i try to be.

Thanks again for your lovely tactful and understanding replies :)

Maybe just stick with "Hey, I know son and I each have our own, personal blankets, thought you might want one too."? You'd have to tread pretty carefuly with your tone not to come off as overly cutesy, almost condescending, with the "special TV watching snuggling blanket". A special ceremony would put me right off, especially if you'd never mentioned that you had a problem with her using it.
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Cuddlepie

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #28 on: April 22, 2013, 07:18:59 PM »
Ceremony was tic.  What will happen .... when it gets colder I will go to cupboard and bring out blankets .... throw son his and hand boarder hers mentioning it is for her to use ... I think she will get the point about only snuggling with your own blanket rather than whichever one is handy.

DottyG

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #29 on: April 22, 2013, 07:38:51 PM »
Quote
Maybe just stick with "Hey, I know son and I each have our own, personal blankets, thought you might want one too."? You'd have to tread pretty carefuly with your tone not to come off as overly cutesy, almost condescending, with the "special TV watching snuggling blanket". A special ceremony would put me right off, especially if you'd never mentioned that you had a problem with her using it.

Yeah.  That post kinda struck me as off as well.  Cutesy and kinda offensive-sounding.