Author Topic: To share or not ... that is the question  (Read 36117 times)

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DavidH

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #30 on: April 22, 2013, 08:08:20 PM »
I get that you are trying to avoid saying anything, but I'd be kind of surprised that she would interpret your idea as also making your blanket off limits.  It relies on her interpreting your handing her a blanket as "Cuddlepie is always very PA, so what's the hidden meaning behind the seemingly nice gesture of handing me a blanket...I get it, she really means don't use her special blanket."

A much better way to achieve the result you want it saying here's a blanket for you to use, please don't use mine, I'm funny about things like that.

Surianne

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #31 on: April 22, 2013, 09:34:44 PM »
I get that you are trying to avoid saying anything, but I'd be kind of surprised that she would interpret your idea as also making your blanket off limits.  It relies on her interpreting your handing her a blanket as "Cuddlepie is always very PA, so what's the hidden meaning behind the seemingly nice gesture of handing me a blanket...I get it, she really means don't use her special blanket."

A much better way to achieve the result you want it saying here's a blanket for you to use, please don't use mine, I'm funny about things like that.

I agree.  I think your two reasonable options are:

1) If you don't want to say anything, put your blanket away in your bedroom, and leave a different one out on the couch that you're comfortable with her using.

2) Tell her directly that you'd prefer she use a different blanket, making it clear that it's your "quirk" rather than anything she's done wrong.

Bijou

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #32 on: April 22, 2013, 09:46:29 PM »
 :o  I would feel the same way you do about it.  What she did with the blanket is odd, to me.  I would never do that.  Nor would I use your aspirin without you giving one to me.  Someone's feet and face on my blanket?  Ugh.  A little too close for comfort.
You may just want to keep it in your room. 
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miranova

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #33 on: April 22, 2013, 09:48:33 PM »
While it is your home, there are still certain inconveniences that come from having a lodger/renter in it.  It is not an ideal situation, it is one that you are presumably both in for financial reasons.  Differences will arise, and to be honest this one seems relatively minor in the scheme of things.  By that I don't mean that you are wrong for not wanting her to use your blanket.  It's a perfectly reasonable thing to want.  I just mean that when any two adults live in the same home, these things crop up and this one is relatively easy to solve.  As other posters have said, just leave a blanket (or two) out there that you wouldn't mind her using and keep your special one in your own personal space.

You can't always expect that others will know what will irritate you.  Heck, I've lived with my husband for years and we are still educating each other on things that irritate us!  If you are going to need a lodger long term, I think I'd change your perspective and realize it really could be much much worse.  The issues you are having are fixable and not severe.

TootsNYC

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #34 on: April 23, 2013, 10:52:46 AM »
I would assume it if was in the common areas and not an obviously personal item (ie toiletries or clothing) that it would be ok for me to use.

If you want to keep that particular blanket for youself, i would consider keeping one out for her to use, and telling her that you prefer that one, so you've brought her one out to use.

You're in a difficult situation.  As a lodger, you need to decide what is reasonable for her to use without asking, and what isn't, and maybe give her some guidelines.  I wouldn't have anticipated a problem if I was her.

I would assume that the blanket was available for anyone who was allowed to use the living room.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. Just say, "You know, I'm sort of attached to that blanket, it's special to me, and I don't want to share it. If you'd like to have a blanket here in the living room, you should bring one of your own out and leave it here. Also, please be sure your guests don't use it. If you're having company, help me remember to put it in my room, okay?"

I might also have assumed that the OK for headache tablets meant other days too, but then I would *also* assume that meant I needed to buy the next batch when they were getting low. (At the very least, I'd need to alert you, but I'd also think I needed to pitch in monetarily.) I might think they were "household" stuff now, but I'd think I needed to buy it.

Did you ever say anything about the headache tablets? You are allowed to, even now, and you should have then. You don't need to get mad about it--just be matter-of-fact. Assume that she's a reasonable person and just spaced out. So say: "I saw that you had used up the headache tablets. If you're going to use them, you need to replace them when they run out. They're not covered in your rent, and you'll need to replace what you use up."

or say, "I saw that you had used up the headache tablets. I was willing to give you one in a pinch, since you didn't have your own that first night. But I expected you to purchase your own supply the next day. I do not want to share medications and other things like that. So please buy your own bottle, and then let me take a few to replace the ones you used up."

Speak up! Speak up before you get really mad. (OK, maybe you're miffed right away--I would be, probably.)

Be straightforward. To help you keep from being unpleasant/attacking/whatever in your tone of voice (and making things worse), try to get into the mindset that you're informing her, not scolding her.

It might help to remember that yes, some of us do think that the assumptions wasn't THAT far off. So she's not that horribly "entitled," but you *do* want to establish boundaries. You're entitled to.

But you should ALSO be direct. No hinting. Say, "I don't want other people to use my special blanket." Then you can also say, "here's one you can use for the time you're living here," or you can say, "You'll need to get your own."

But a boundary is *clearly drawn*. It is not hinted at. "Good fences make good neighbors," and a good fence is VERY VISIBLE. It's not hinted it. It's right there, crisp and clear. It's not nasty or mean, either. It's just there.

Judah

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #35 on: April 23, 2013, 11:14:20 AM »
I get that you are trying to avoid saying anything, but I'd be kind of surprised that she would interpret your idea as also making your blanket off limits.  It relies on her interpreting your handing her a blanket as "Cuddlepie is always very PA, so what's the hidden meaning behind the seemingly nice gesture of handing me a blanket...I get it, she really means don't use her special blanket."

A much better way to achieve the result you want it saying here's a blanket for you to use, please don't use mine, I'm funny about things like that.

I agree.  I think your two reasonable options are:

1) If you don't want to say anything, put your blanket away in your bedroom, and leave a different one out on the couch that you're comfortable with her using.

2) Tell her directly that you'd prefer she use a different blanket, making it clear that it's your "quirk" rather than anything she's done wrong.

I agree. Don't hint at what you want, people don't get hints. Either tell her the blanket is for your use only, or put it where she can't get to it.  I wouldn't interpret your ceremony as meaning I wasn't to use your blanket and that's my point. People shouldn't have to interpret, your intentions should be clearly laid out.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

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Margo

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #36 on: April 23, 2013, 02:24:22 PM »
I would assume it if was in the common areas and not an obviously personal item (ie toiletries or clothing) that it would be ok for me to use.

If you want to keep that particular blanket for youself, i would consider keeping one out for her to use, and telling her that you prefer that one, so you've brought her one out to use.

You're in a difficult situation.  As a lodger, you need to decide what is reasonable for her to use without asking, and what isn't, and maybe give her some guidelines.  I wouldn't have anticipated a problem if I was her.

I would assume that the blanket was available for anyone who was allowed to use the living room.

But you know what? It doesn't matter. Just say, "You know, I'm sort of attached to that blanket, it's special to me, and I don't want to share it. If you'd like to have a blanket here in the living room, you should bring one of your own out and leave it here. Also, please be sure your guests don't use it. If you're having company, help me remember to put it in my room, okay?"

I might also have assumed that the OK for headache tablets meant other days too, but then I would *also* assume that meant I needed to buy the next batch when they were getting low. (At the very least, I'd need to alert you, but I'd also think I needed to pitch in monetarily.) I might think they were "household" stuff now, but I'd think I needed to buy it.

Did you ever say anything about the headache tablets? You are allowed to, even now, and you should have then. You don't need to get mad about it--just be matter-of-fact. Assume that she's a reasonable person and just spaced out. So say: "I saw that you had used up the headache tablets. If you're going to use them, you need to replace them when they run out. They're not covered in your rent, and you'll need to replace what you use up."

or say, "I saw that you had used up the headache tablets. I was willing to give you one in a pinch, since you didn't have your own that first night. But I expected you to purchase your own supply the next day. I do not want to share medications and other things like that. So please buy your own bottle, and then let me take a few to replace the ones you used up."

Speak up! Speak up before you get really mad. (OK, maybe you're miffed right away--I would be, probably.)

Be straightforward. To help you keep from being unpleasant/attacking/whatever in your tone of voice (and making things worse), try to get into the mindset that you're informing her, not scolding her.

It might help to remember that yes, some of us do think that the assumptions wasn't THAT far off. So she's not that horribly "entitled," but you *do* want to establish boundaries. You're entitled to.

But you should ALSO be direct. No hinting. Say, "I don't want other people to use my special blanket." Then you can also say, "here's one you can use for the time you're living here," or you can say, "You'll need to get your own."

But a boundary is *clearly drawn*. It is not hinted at. "Good fences make good neighbors," and a good fence is VERY VISIBLE. It's not hinted it. It's right there, crisp and clear. It's not nasty or mean, either. It's just there.

POD

In her situation, I would not automatically assume that you giving me a blanket meant yours was off limits. I'd think "How kind, she noticed I was cold" And I would really appreciate you telling me that you preferred me not to use your blanket, rather than leaving me picking up a vague sense that you were irritated but not knowing what I'd done wrong or how to fix it.

Same with the headache pills. Tell her you were a bit surprised she took more than one without mentioning it, ask her to replace them, and make it clear to her what you would like (i.e. whether you want her to not to use yours at all, or whether you're OK with it as long as she tells you, or whatever.)


Cuddlepie

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #37 on: April 23, 2013, 08:42:29 PM »
OP here.

After updating you on the blanket solution, I am going to mention a couple of other issues that came up last night  :(.

The 3 of us sat down to enjoy a little TV and when I felt a little cool, I asked Lodger if she had a rug or would she like the use of one, albeit older and not as pretty as mine, while she lived here.  So during the conversation, discussing rugs, their patterns and colours, just normal chit chat, I casually mentioned that my son and I had the habit of using our own rugs as they had been made in a style and colour that we chose as being 'ours'.  Without making a big deal of not using my blanket, my expectations we made clear. I did well (IMHO), with help of e-hell perspectives which I really appreciate.

As I said in a previous post, things keeping cropping up that annoy me.  The first day Lodger moved in, I showed her where things that she may need were kept.  Lodger spilt water on the kitchen floor and proceeded to wipe it up with the tea towel.  Gross!  The laundry where the mop and bucket and cleaning rags is the room beside the kitchen. I am fairly certain she has seen me use these items when cleaning spills so I was rather taken aback.

After settling down with 'our rugs', Lodger mentioned that she was going to buy a heater for her room.  The house has ducted heating throughout and I keep the temp set at a reasonable but economical setting.  When I asked my she wanted a small heater in her room she said she was cold in the mornings.  Fair enough except she only wears light clothes and no jumper.   I agreed to the heater but mentioned that her board would be increased to cover the extra power bill.  Lodger then thought that wearing a jumper would be a good idea.  ::)

Please don't get the idea that I am a landlady from hell as I am far from it.  I bite my tongue on many small things (as I am sure that Lodger does too), I pick her up from the train station when she gets home late at night, I've driven her to the doctors, put away her dishes on occasion, bring in her washing so it doesn't get wet in the rain etc.

I agree with a PP that these are only small things to be bother about and I am really grateful that Lodger is quiet, doesn't smoke and seems to like my family and friends.   But, as another PP suggested I don't want these little annoyances to fester and am endeavouring the nip them in the bud in a non-confrontational, kindly and quiet way.  I have learned a lot of fantastic wording from reading e-hell for some time, that I have added to my repertoire.  Thanks again.

DottyG

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #38 on: April 23, 2013, 09:05:11 PM »
Quote
Lodger spilt water on the kitchen floor and proceeded to wipe it up with the tea towel.  Gross!

I think that might be a personal issue.  I do the same thing - and then it goes into the washer.  Since I know it's going to be sufficiently clean after I wash it - and my floor isn't that dirty - I've never had a problem with it.

If she'd put it back on the counter to be used, that's a different story.  But you didn't say that happened.


Jones

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #39 on: April 23, 2013, 09:47:41 PM »
Quote
Lodger spilt water on the kitchen floor and proceeded to wipe it up with the tea towel.  Gross!

I think that might be a personal issue.  I do the same thing - and then it goes into the washer.  Since I know it's going to be sufficiently clean after I wash it - and my floor isn't that dirty - I've never had a problem with it.

If she'd put it back on the counter to be used, that's a different story.  But you didn't say that happened.

Glad it's not just me--my tea towels land on the floor, then in the hamper, on a regular basis.

Surianne

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #40 on: April 23, 2013, 10:20:14 PM »
Hah, I was confused about the tea towel thing too -- isn't that what they're for, wiping up stuff?

Similarly the heater I don't see as a major issue.  She cleared it with you first and when you weren't okay with it, she agreed to put on additional clothing.  It's pretty normal for different people to prefer different temperatures for their bedrooms, and what may be economical to you may be too cold for her.  (I'm saying this as someone who loves a cold house -- when I lived with others, I had to compromise with them on the heat, even though it wasn't to my preference.  A space heater is much better than asking you to turn up the heat for the whole house.)

It does sound like you're nitpicking with her, and she's really not a bad lodger.  Maybe having a lodger isn't for you?  Or there's something about her personality that rubs you the wrong way?  Hard to say without knowing more about the relationship.

snowdragon

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #41 on: April 23, 2013, 10:36:45 PM »
Hah, I was confused about the tea towel thing too -- isn't that what they're for, wiping up stuff?

I get it. The tea towels ar for hands or dishes but rags are for floors. I am the same way so is much of my circle.

I agree with the approach of the heater too. She can have it but since this *will* coast the OP more in electric costs, the lodger should pay for those increased costs, the way I read the post the lodger seemed to think the OP would absorb the extra cost - hence when she was informed that she, the lodger would pay them, she agreed to a sweater. 

I do think the OP should have been more clear about the pills being a one time deal, but the fact that the lodger used them up and didn't say anything or replace them shows little consideration for the OP and her son - the OP needed them and they weren't there. ( How many can you use in a week??)

I'd be rethinking this lodger at this point.

DottyG

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #42 on: April 23, 2013, 10:47:07 PM »
Quote
I agree with the approach of the heater too. She can have it but since this *will* coast the OP more in electric costs, the lodger should pay for those increased costs, the way I read the post the lodger seemed to think the OP would absorb the extra cost - hence when she was informed that she, the lodger would pay them, she agreed to a sweater.

I don't see a problem here (and was actually confused as to why it was a problem when the OP said it).

Had she insisted she was going to get a heater and wouldn't pay the cost, it'd be a problem. But, since most space heaters don't really add that much additional cost, I can see how she'd ask and see if it's be a problem. She decided, after talking to the OP, that she'd just wear a sweater. No problem

It sounds to me that this is just someone the OP isn't fond of and the OP is just getting irked by things that probably wouldn't be an issue with someone else. Nothing this lodger has done in this thread is horrible or shocking.


sevenday

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #43 on: April 23, 2013, 11:06:35 PM »
Things that have sentimental meaning are hard for other people to handle.  I still remember the flare of anger I felt one day last year.  My service dog died almost two years ago.  He had a large pillow on the floor in the living room that I couldn't bear to get rid of.  Some time later, my roommate moved the pillow for some reason that I don't remember now.  I remember coming home and seeing that it had been moved and feeling immediate anger.  I was shocked at the visceral response and had to sit down to think about it before doing anything.

Vis a vis that special blanket, putting it in a special basket by itself and providing a separate one for communal (i.e. lodger) use is the best option.  I wasn't sure if you'd already told the lodger that this blanket has special meaning to you and that you'd prefer she use something else - but I don't think there's any harm in telling her that.  As long as there IS something she can use. 

And your comment about her needing to pay a bit more for power if she used a space heater was not out of line.  Sure, the newer ones don't draw too much electricity - but they do, so asking her to pay the difference isn't wrong. 

MariaE

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Re: To share or not ... that is the question
« Reply #44 on: April 24, 2013, 03:30:35 AM »
Quote
Lodger spilt water on the kitchen floor and proceeded to wipe it up with the tea towel.  Gross!

I think that might be a personal issue.  I do the same thing - and then it goes into the washer.  Since I know it's going to be sufficiently clean after I wash it - and my floor isn't that dirty - I've never had a problem with it.

If she'd put it back on the counter to be used, that's a different story.  But you didn't say that happened.

I agree. Wouldn't be an issue for me either, assuming she threw it straight in with the other dirty laundry.

I don't see a problem with the heater either, because she made an effort to clear it with you first. Had she just gone out to buy one, or insisted on getting one while refusing to pay extra, it would be different, but as it is it seems like a reasonable request and response.
 
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