To share or not ... that is the question

[reflection5]

Cuddlepie, thanks for answering.    I'm gonna do some more thinking.  Might be back.  Let's see what others have to say.

[Cuddlepie]

Hi Reflections.  Since you said you have to do some thinking ....  I am thinking my rules may need revising so I'm holding off for now.  Thanks.

I'm off out the door now too, so maybe more time between typing and sticking the rules up is a very good thing.

[snowdragon]

How many rules are there and how do you intend to enforce the consequences?

ETA: What happens when more issues come up - will that result in more rules and consequences?

[reflection5]

Cuddlepie, oh no......not being critical.  Don't revise; your rules are your rules.

Be nice if you want to share more, people might have some helpful feedback!  If not, it's okay.

[NyaChan]

I think your rules are fine.  As long as they are reasonable and clear, I think making clear rules is actually helpful so that there isn't ambiguity in terms of what is expected of the lodger.

[Ticia]

I am printing out some rules with consequences if they are not followed.

hmmm. 

OP, Please explain.  An example, maybe?  Thanks.


(No, the "hmmm" is not snark, so to anyone sitting on the sidelines ready to jump on me, please......let's not even go there.  "hmmm" simply means "okay, I'm rubbing my chin, thinking about this.)

The "hmmm" might or might not come off as snarky, but your italicized part of your post comes off as *extremely* snarky.

With online communication it is very hard to convey tone, so we have to be extra careful of how we are coming across. One way to convey that you're not trying to be snarky would be to say something like: "Hmmm... I'm sitting here, rubbing my chin, thinking about this. Perhaps you could give an example?"

[Cuddlepie]

OP here.

Please don't judge me too harshly but I have just behaved PA to Lodger.

I got home around 4.30 and she was already cooking her meal.  At 6.20 I started cooking and her dishes still in the drainer.  I'm not feeling 100% ... the cold I've been fending off has finally got me ... therefore I could not be bothered dealing with Lodger in between sneezing and sniffing.  (Rules need to be printed yet anyway and there's always tomorrow, eh?).  So, my pots and pans, dishes and cutlery are washed and in the drainer on top of hers.   I wonder if she will say anything to me?

[reflection5]

Hi Cuddlepie.
I don’t see where you were PA.  But I’d like to reference something I said earlier:  Is all this ‘back & forth’, analyzing, wondering, and waiting for a reaction really worth it?  This appears to be an extremely unpleasant living arrangement (for you).  I think printing written rules (at this stage) might just make things worse, not better.

[Cuddlepie]

OP here.

Please don't judge me too harshly but I have just behaved PA to Lodger.

I got home around 4.30 and she was already cooking her meal.  At 6.20 I started cooking and her dishes still in the drainer.  I'm not feeling 100% ... the cold I've been fending off has finally got me ... therefore I could not be bothered dealing with Lodger in between sneezing and sniffing.  (Rules need to be printed yet anyway and there's always tomorrow, eh?).  So, my pots and pans, dishes and cutlery are washed and in the drainer on top of hers.   I wonder if she will say anything to me?

So, after waking up to a beautiful Autumn morning and a good night's sleep, I put my washing away but left Lodger's in the drainer.

I have changed my mind.  Instead of having rules with consequences I intend to put up rules only, this sits better with me.  If Lodger continues not putting dishes away I will use every annoyance as motivation to get my health back on track, work more and then I won't need a lodger.   

I have enjoyed reading all the replies, they have helped me organise my thoughts.  Thank you again.

[TootsNYC]

Why not just say, "Lodger, could you come put your dishes away, right now please? They're in my way."

Each time.

It's sort of like me getting up and going to find my waiter (or *a* waiter) instead of sitting there watching for when she pops back into view.

Just ask for what you want.

[Cuddlepie]

Toots, the first few times she left them I did ask but gave up as she kept going back to the habit.   What I didn't realise how I would be more and more bothered by it and I'm not prepared to walk to her bedroom, ask her to come out to kitchen, wait for her to wander out and watch her til I can use the kitchen.  She is a adult and should not need reminding.  A sign in front of her nose requesting she put pots and dishes away immediately should do the trick, well I hope so !

[TootsNYC]

I have this feeling it won't work. And it definitely won't work if the first time she forgets, she gets away with it.

You're going to need to call out and make her come get them out of your way each time.

A law that is not enforced is not a law.

I wish you luck!

[Cuddlepie]

Grrrrr !!! 

This morning I told Lodger that I expected the kitchen to be left clean in the same manner as I leave it for her and that this meant not leaving washed dishes in the drainer.  I wanted to be able to wash up without calling her to put stuff away. 

Thought I made myself absolutely clear this time. Maybe yes, maybe no !!!! 

I arrived home after lunch to find her lunch pan and dishes in the drainer and Lodger not at home.  This is after our talk this morning when she agreed to the 'leave it as you find it rule.'  Does Lodger think that if dishes are moved by the time I start cooking this will be acceptable or is she paying lip service only?

Tonight I am having dinner at my daughter's home which unfortunately means I won't be around at my home to see what Lodger does with the dishes.  Seriously thinking of giving her a warning that if she ignores me and leaves the dishes again, then she is looking for a new address.

[Margo]

I would do so. It sounds as though her behaviour is causing you an awful lot of stress.

I'd suggest that if you advertise for a new lodger you consider having some houserules  in palce before they move in - that way, you can tell them what the rules/epectations are, ask them if they have any comments or anything they'd want to add, and you are both clear on the expectations from the beginning.

You can explain to any new lodger that you had an unfortuantely exprience with a previus lodger whi behaved very badly adn that that is why you feel it is imprtnat to be upfront from the beginning.

With any luck, it will help to ensure that whoever moves in either has similar expecations or is able to adapt, as they will know before they start both what you expect and that you take it seriously.

[kckgirl]

Seriously thinking of giving her a warning that if she ignores me and leaves the dishes again, then she is looking for a new address.

You may want to consider having her look for a new address anyway. She is seriously causing you undue stress. You shouldn't have to deal with that in your own home.