To share or not ... that is the question

[Cuddlepie]

[
As far as not vacuuming or doing laundry early, honestly I wouldn't expect my landlady to do those things before 8 any more than I would expect to be allowed to do noisy things after a reasonable hour at night.  If I was working full-time then I would need to vacuum earlier or of an evening when she is watching TV.  I am probably showing my age here, but 8am isn't early ... some folk are already at work or uni 

As for allowing her access to the living room, I would expect that, or expect to pay very much less rent if all I was getting was a bedroom and a bathroom. This is a good point  .... Lodger pays significantly less than son and I and this also includes her queen size bed, 2 bedside tables, a large chest of drawers and a large desk with bookshelf and then the use of fridge, kitchen appliances, washing machine etc and no housework and garden maintenance either.  If you (generic) want to have more rights, share rooms equally, negotiate what temperature house is kept at, then you rent and sign a lease and buy your own furniture.

[DottyG]

As far as not vacuuming or doing laundry early, honestly I wouldn't expect my landlady to do those things before 8 any more than I would expect to be allowed to do noisy things after a reasonable hour at night.   Letting her know when you are expecting company isn't being extra nice to her, it's just common courtesy, especially if it's at a time when she'd be wearing nightclothes.  As for allowing her access to the living room, I would expect that, or expect to pay very much less rent if all I was getting was a bedroom and a bathroom.

Yeah, all this kinda made me wonder as well. Of course you'd let her know when company's coming, so she's not naked. That's not going out of your way. I'd expect that from anyone. Likewise getting to use the room. Wouldn't that be expected?

I don't think it's a criticism of you that you're not cut out for having someone loving with you. I get that it's hard, and that you're already really set in your ways and not really wanting to change what you've come to feel is your way of living. But it is just that - your way. Not the way. If a boarder doesn't do things the same way, they're not wrong. They're just not the person that should be living with you. I don't think I would be, either, honestly. The rules and conditions seem really confining and depressing to me. But, then again, I'm not needing to live there.

I do think the poster (was it Toots?) that said you're kind of in a mother role has a good point. You might step back and think if this is how you're feeling - and maybe acting. I can see that coming through in some of the things you're saying.

[MariaE]

Let me put it this way to PPs.  How would you feel if 90% of the time, when you went to use the kitchen things were in your way - i) if roommate/lodger is home you go to her room, ask that she puts her things away and remain polite after the 4th+ time of asking or ii) you put her things away yourself or iii) leave them in drainer but then need utensils that just happens to be underneath everything else?  I can't be alone here, surely it would bother others as well. 

Depending how long time she left them, I'd take it as a natural part of sharing a house with somebody. Leaving them to air-dry and moving them after a couple of hours or so? Perfectly reasonable in my book. Leaving them to air-dry and moving them next time she cooks a meal/does her dishes? Not so much.

As for the rest I agree with DottyG and Toots.

[DottyG]

Depending how long time she left them, I'd take it as a natural part of sharing a house with somebody. Leaving them to air-dry and moving them after a couple of hours or so? Perfectly reasonable in my book

Exactly. That's what the thing is for.

[Cuddlepie]

As far as not vacuuming or doing laundry early, honestly I wouldn't expect my landlady to do those things before 8 any more than I would expect to be allowed to do noisy things after a reasonable hour at night. I am not running a hotel, it's a normal busy household where you need to get out of the house or perhaps I could vacuum at night while she watching TV or studying.   Letting her know when you are expecting company isn't being extra nice to her, it's just common courtesy, especially if it's at a time when she'd be wearing nightclothes. As for allowing her access to the living room, I would expect that, or expect to pay very much less rent if all I was getting was a bedroom and a bathroom.

Yeah, all this kinda made me wonder as well. Of course you'd let her know when company's coming, so she's not naked. That's not going out of your way. I'd expect that from anyone. Likewise getting to use the room. Wouldn't that be expected? That would be acceptable if you are renting, as a lodger you do not get to use common rooms 100% of the time.

I don't think it's a criticism of you that you're not cut out for having someone loving with you. I get that it's hard, and that you're already really set in your ways and not really wanting to change what you've come to feel is your way of living. But it is just that - your way. Not the way. If a boarder doesn't do things the same way, they're not wrong. My son and I have changed to accomodate a lodger.  I have already said that I do my housework at a different time to fit in with her habits, I go out more rather than inviting my friends over, I fit in with her use of the kitchen, I don't care that she is up all night watching TV which I can hear from my bedroom or that her mobile phone calls wake me as that is part of sharing They're just not the person that should be living with you. I don't think I would be, either, honestly. The rules and conditions seem really confining and depressing to me. But, then again, I'm not needing to live there. I am at a loss .... what rules and conditions.  I don't know how to re=post a quote from my post #16 for reference here.  I was brought up using a separate rag to mop up kitchen spills, that is normal to me and I think is hygenic anyway, better safe than sorry.  Meat should never be left to ooze over a fridge shelf and its contents.  As for leaving dishes in the drainer, I find it annoying but guess I can learn to live with it for a while.

I do think the poster (was it Toots?) that said you're kind of in a mother role has a good point. You might step back and think if this is how you're feeling - and maybe acting. I can see that coming through in some of the things you're saying.

The last thing I want is to be her surrogate mother.  Give me a clue, what am I doing (or saying) that suggests that I give that impression?

[Cuddlepie]

Depending how long time she left them, I'd take it as a natural part of sharing a house with somebody. Leaving them to air-dry and moving them after a couple of hours or so? Perfectly reasonable in my book

Exactly. That's what the thing is for.

Hey guys how about referring to my previous replies as I am feeling like a parrot .

I agree reasonable as long as you are the only person using the kitchen.  Lodger cooks breakfast, washes up and leaves dishes in drainer, Lodgers cooks lunch, washes up and leaves more dishes in drainer, Lodger cooks her dinner, washes and and leaves dishes in drainer.  Cuddlepie cooks dinner for her and son and can't use drainer until she has dealt with Lodger's dishes. 

[MariaE]

Depending how long time she left them, I'd take it as a natural part of sharing a house with somebody. Leaving them to air-dry and moving them after a couple of hours or so? Perfectly reasonable in my book

Exactly. That's what the thing is for.

Hey guys how about referring to my previous replies as I am feeling like a parrot .

I agree reasonable as long as you are the only person using the kitchen.  Lodger cooks breakfast, washes up and leaves dishes in drainer, Lodgers cooks lunch, washes up and leaves more dishes in drainer, Lodger cooks her dinner, washes and and leaves dishes in drainer.  Cuddlepie cooks dinner for her and son and can't use drainer until she has dealt with Lodger's dishes. 

What we're saying is that it's also reasonable to us even when you aren't the only person using the kitchen.

The following would be perfectly reasonable to me:
Lodger cooks breakfast, washes up and leaves dishes in drainer.
Lodger knows you don't cook lunch at home, so the dishes will only inconvenience her for lunch.
Lodger cooks lunch, washes up and leaves more dishes in drainer.
Sometime between lunch and dinner, lodger removes dry dishes.
Lodger cooks dinner before you do, washes up and leaves only the dinner dishes in drainer.
Cuddlepie cooks dinner, washes up and leaves dishes on top of lodgers in drainer.
Somewhere between dinner and going to bed lodger and Cuddlepie both remove dry dishes from drainer.

[Cuddlepie]

MariaE, thank you ... your timeline helped me see what PPs thought reasonable.  I could only see it from how it was at my kitchen sink.


MariaE:  The following would be perfectly reasonable to me:
Lodger cooks breakfast, washes up and leaves dishes in drainer.
Often a few things from previous day left along with breakfast (Son & I leave our few things to the side or I wash and dry one item at a time 
Lodger knows you don't cook lunch at home, so the dishes will only inconvenience her for lunch.
I mostly eat lunch at home, so there is a few things, sometimes I heat leftovers in the microwave.  Also, extra if I have a friend over for coffee .  I wash & dry one by one.
Lodger cooks lunch, washes up and leaves more dishes in drainer.
Sometime between lunch and dinner, lodger removes dry dishes.
I wish 
Lodger cooks dinner before you do, washes up and leaves only the dinner dishes in drainer.
I often need utensils that are hiding under her pots and dishes.  Also makes it awkard to use micowave as dishes stop the door opening fully
Cuddlepie cooks dinner, washes up and leaves dishes on top of lodgers in drainer.
Somewhere between dinner and going to bed lodger and Cuddlepie both remove dry dishes from drainer.
It can be a precarious balancing act .... it's not like doing all the plates, stacking them in the drainer then finishing with the pots and pans.  Sometimes it is more than just a single meals worth too.



I have a timeline of my own.  For the next 2 months I will not worry about dishes in the drainer, I'll work around them, cos then Lodger will be asked to move.   Do I hear the loud banging of heads on desks  .

[Miss Unleaded]

Sorry Cuddlepie, I am going to have to chime in with the others and say that I think you have unreasonable expectations for your lodger.  From what you've written I think your best course would be to evict her asap and find a way to make ends meet without having someone stay in your house.  Is there a reason you're waiting for two months?

Maybe it's because I've had some really crappy housemates in the past (drug addicts, complete slobs who left food and dirty pans sitting out for days, several young women who would pick up strangers in bars and bring them home, etc) but she sounds like a perfectly ok lodger to me.

ETA that I think you have a valid complaint about her using up your painkillers and food though.  I definitely would have made her replace what she used and ensure that, for the remainder of the time she stays, she understands that your stuff is off limits.

[saki]

The way I've done things with crockery and the drying rack and housemates has always been:  if the housemate's stuff is in the way so I need to put it away before I can wash up, I then leave my stuff on the draining board so when they need to wash up, they put mine away.  Seems fairly equitable.

I ended up going into a bit of debt in order to continue living on my own, rather than with housemates/lodgers because I hated it that much.  I don't regret that at all.  I just don't deal well with someone else in my space.  Cuddlepie - I really think that you need just to give up on the idea of having a lodger.  It sounds like if you wrote out all the rules that a lodger would have to follow in order to live with you, it would be a book.  And no-one is going to sign up for that.

[reflection5]

Wow.

Reaffirming what I said in my most recent post (#110).

Also, a tenant's food choices and whether or not a tenant eats enough vegetables is not the business of a Landlord.

[rose red]

Also, a tenant's food choices and whether or not a tenant eats enough vegetables is not the business of a Landlord.

I've kept quiet in this thread, but that post startled me too.  OP, you just don't seem to like this girl and it's coming out in a very judgemental and nit-picky way.  Perhaps there are some things she deserve to be judged, but there were many other things listed where she did not.  You admit you resent the financial situation that forced you into renting a room.  Perhaps it's a good idea to have a meeting where you both talk about your expectations.  There needs to be compromise when two strangers are living together, even if one of those people is the homeowner.  "My way or the highway" does not make a peaceful home.  If you simply can't live with her even after a meeting, then it's time to give her notice for her sake as well as yours.

[lurkerwisp]

Just piping in to say that lodger, roommate, or renter - vacuuming and being otherwise noisy before 8am would pretty much never be okay in a shared living situation.

I don't make loud noises that early in the morning even on weekends because I live in a townhouse with shared walls, and don't want to disturb my neighbors.  They're kind enough to not be too noisy during the day when DH is sleeping, so I can be kind enough to not bother them in return.  8am is also the time of day that some people are getting home from work and trying to fall asleep.  He wears earplugs, but if they were to be extra loud no earplugs would help.

Vacuuming doesn't need to be done every day.  If you'd be headed out to a full time job for 8am, you could wait to vacuum on your day off instead of waking up your housemates or neighbors being so inconsiderate.

[Judah]

It is very disheartening to read some of the comments, when PP have said that would have already moved out or I'm not suitable to sharing. 

The tone of your posts give the impression that you are inflexible to others' ways of doing things and you resent having someone else in your space. This isn't a moral failing, Cuddlepie, but it is a facet of your personality that you should consider. I am completely incapable of sharing my home with anyone other than my husband and children. And quite frankly, even my kids get on my nerves when they come home for the school breaks.  They are developing their own ways of doing things that are different than mine and we don't always meld.  But because they're my kids, we manage. I wouldn't be able to manage with a stranger, and that's okay as long as I know this about myself and don't put myself in the position of have to rely on a stranger's rent money to pay my bills.

You are in a difficult spot, but I would be looking for a different way to bring in money.

[AnnaJ]

OP, I think part of the difficulty in this discussion is that you've presented all of the things that annoy you about this tenant as being equal and they're not, which is part of the confusion about whether or not posters agree with you.

The only truly egregious thing tenant has done in my opinion is to take your headache meds without asking and it's perfectly reasonable for you to talk to her about that, even point out that the reason that you are taking in a boarder is to make some extra money so having to spend more money to replace medication doesn't make sense.

The just-met romantic interest spending the night, using an electric heater that would substantially raise your utility bill, and bringing home a kitten (ooohhh, kitten  ) are also things that are certainly reasonable for you to veto but the point is she asked you (assuming here about the kitten).  She didn't show up with new guy and wander back to her bedroom, she didn't just buy a heater and begin using it, and she didn't (presumably) show up with a kitten, she talked to you about it first and that's absolutely the right thing - since you say you really didn't have rules set when she moved in, that's the way to negotiate them.

Thawing meat and letting the blood spill on your food, definitely worth a discussion.  The dishes?  Several people here have made other suggestion that might be useful.

I already talked about some of your other comments in a previous post, the only thing I'll add is that I am unfamiliar with the idea that a lodger would only have access to common areas part of the time, but that may be a difference between the U.S. and Australia.

Bottom line...read the title of your thread: "To share or not ... that is the question" and consider if you really want to share, not just your blanket but your house.