To share or not ... that is the question

[citadelle]

Honestly, OP, you are taking on the role of mother with this woman. Give her notice and be done. And do some careful thinking about whether a lodger is right for you.

I am sorry it has been a hassle. Good luck.

[DottyG]

The previous poster was so right. I read that story and kept thinking, "Yes, MOM!"

OP, that post was an excellent example of what we're talking about.

[snowdragon]

I would have kicked her out the moment she swore at me. You need to think about the lessons you are teaching your son.

[MariaE]

If you've already made up your mind, let her know now. Letting her "sweat until Sunday" just because you can is plain mean and petty.

If you haven't made up your mind and really need this time to think it over, then I think that in itself should be your answer. Kicking her while she's down or not, you're doing both of you a disservice.

[GLaDOS]

Cuddlepie, please just give her notice and have done with her, or if you're in real need of the money, set up a new tenant and give her notice when you're ready to move the next one in. I don't think that you two are a good match (and honestly, I'm not convinced she'd be a good match for any but the strictest, most ironhearted landlords given some of her behavior). I think that you've started off on the back foot because you muddled the waters in the business relationship from the beginning and from your last post, she views you as her naggy mother who just can't let her /be/. Her boyfriend liking her, but not liking her enough to visit her is not your problem. Her issues with her father is not your problem, and from your posts, it could be a bid for sympathy because she was a big fat jerk to you and she realised she leaped over the line with both feet.

You wouldn't be kicking her when she was down if you decided you didn't want someone throwing tantrums at you whenever she had a bad day.

So, I'd sit down and have a firm idea of what you expect from a lodger before you start advertising again. And honestly, if the price is right and you're mostly reasonable about your rules, you'll find someone who will abide by them. I think you need to be clear about what you expect from the jump. Be assertive and proactive! "We all use our own blankets if we're chilling on the sofa." "I prefer that no dishes be left out, and since we'll all be using the kitchen, we'll leave it so someone else can use it without having to clean." "This is my system for cleaning, and you can find things here, here, and here." "We keep the temperature at this level. If you want, you can  pay more towards the heating and we'll decide on a temperature, or you can get an electric heater."

I also think for you, it would be best to maintain a friendly business relationship at the most. I think we're the same way in that once you get to know someone, you bend over backwards to help them if they're down. That's great for friends, but as you can see, it can bite you with things like accepting a lower rent for a good sob story. Good fences make good neighbors, and clear expectations and firm boundaries on both sides will make it so much easier for both of you.  Plus, you can just relax instead of having to  keep worrying about whether it's passive aggressive to put your dishes on hers, or if it's just you that doesn't like sharing blankets (you're not), or if you'll seem like a bait-and-switch if you come up with a bunch of rules now.


If you do decide to keep her (and I don't think you should.), when you talk to her on Sunday, I'd renegotiate how you're doing things and set out like she's a new tenant. Discuss what you will and won't tolerate and make it clear what will get her served notice.

Good luck to you!

[DottyG]

And, I think it will be a good lesson letting Lodger sweat for a few days while she waits my decision.

No. That is called being vindictive and mean. And not really what I'd expect from a professional landlady.

If you want her out, say so. Pull this bandaid off and go on. But all this mommying and wishywashyness isn't good for either of you.

[Cuddlepie]

And, I think it will be a good lesson letting Lodger sweat for a few days while she waits my decision.

No. That is called being vindictive and mean. And not really what I'd expect from a professional landlady.

If you want her out, say so. Pull this bandaid off and go on. But all this mommying and wishywashyness isn't good for either of you.

OP replying here.  The main reason for waiting a few days, is for me.  I want to think with a clear head not an emotional, this required a day or two for me to calm down. I explained my reason exactly to Lodger, therefore her sweating it out is a by-product of my needs, rather than me deliberately being a meany.  I still think Lodger waiting for my answer will let her think twice before pulling the same stunt on me or anyone/landlord for that matter.

[perpetua]

OP, you are not this poor girl's mother.

Please, give her notice - *decent* notice - and allow her to find somewhere else more amenable to live. It must be a nightmare for her.

[Hmmmmm]

And, I think it will be a good lesson letting Lodger sweat for a few days while she waits my decision.

No. That is called being vindictive and mean. And not really what I'd expect from a professional landlady.

If you want her out, say so. Pull this bandaid off and go on. But all this mommying and wishywashyness isn't good for either of you.

OP replying here.  The main reason for waiting a few days, is for me.  I want to think with a clear head not an emotional, this required a day or two for me to calm down. I explained my reason exactly to Lodger, therefore her sweating it out is a by-product of my needs, rather than me deliberately being a meany.  I still think Lodger waiting for my answer will let her think twice before pulling the same stunt on me or anyone/landlord for that matter.

OP, do you not see that you are taking on role of parent? Or that you are allowing her to emotionally manipulate you just as kids try to do with their parents.

You demanded an apology about her swearing at you and gave her 24 hour to apologize. What was to happen if she didn't? Give her a time out.

When you returned to the kitchen to find her using it, why didnt you just tell her she'd need to wait till you were done. She can't have gotten too much started while you were only gone to the bathroom.

Of course she wants to stay. She's talked you down on the rent and out of requiring a deposit. She eats your food, doesn't follow your requests, and takes over any space she wants when she wants it.

This is a business relationship. You do not need to worry about her father or her boyfriend. Getting engaged at that level paves the way next month for when she looses her income to talk you into giving her a pass in rent or worse getting you to loan money for food.

[Queen of Clubs]

At this point, I'd be wondering if the lodger actually is having problems with her father and boyfriend or whether this is another sob story to pull at the OP's heartstrings.  She's already shown she's willing to lie with all that guff about the finances.

Even if it's true, why is the OP to blame for the boyfriend's actions?  That's some messed up thinking right there.

OP, I don't know whether you're suitable for having a lodger or not, but it doesn't sound like you're a suitable landlord for this lodger.  She lies, she manipulates, she breaks the house rules and she's running rings around you.  Give her notice and be done.

[thedudeabides]

Stop trying to parent her, give her notice, and carry on. Some of her behavior has been lousy, but you've also been out of line - 24 hours to apologize? Come on, you're not her mom and she's not an unruly teenager. Making her stew over whether or not you're going to kick her out? This is clearly not working, so don't leave her hanging.

[TootsNYC]

Honestly, OP, you are taking on the role of mother with this woman. Give her notice and be done. And do some careful thinking about whether a lodger is right for you.

I am sorry it has been a hassle. Good luck.

I've said it before, you're in the "mom" position.

You are not her mother. You should not be trying to make her sweat. You should simply decide what you want and go there.

and as I've thought of this thread, I'm not absolutely certain that you shoudl not have ANY lodger, but you really need to have the right mindset.

You're a landlord, and you are not supposed to "fix" anything for her--not her finances, and not her behavior.
In your own mind, and in hers now, you are.


The moment she called you a name was a time to throw her out.
Honestly! The sofa throw and the dish rack problems are, individually, things I think are small. If they were the only problems, I'd say you just needed to work on something small.

But yelling at you and swearing at you and calling you names in your own home? Beyond the pale. And proof that the balance of power is off.

And you know what else? It doesn't matter about her father or her brother or anything. You should never even have that come up in conversation. It's completely irrelevant.

She called you names in your own home. Give her notice, and think a bit before you start out with someone else. Get your mental orientation right.

You're in some sort of "mother / host" relationship. I think it must be tough being a "lodger landlady" as opposed to a roommate; it's a completely different dynamic.

[artk2002]

What would be the advantage to you in letting her stay? Is she the last potential lodger on the planet? (Hint: Nope) Is she enhancing your life? (Hint: Nope) Is she paying you above-market rates? (Hint: Nope)

I honestly don't see why you won't just give her notice now. She's extremely rude, has admitted to deliberately  trying to make you upset and all but admitted that she lied about her financial situation to get a break out of you. This is not a nice person. As others have pointed out, you're not responsible for her issues with her father or boyfriend and she is extremely rude for trying to make those issues your problem too.

If you want to "mother" her, then be a good mother. A good mother lets their child feel the consequences of their bad actions, in appropriate proportion to the child's age. The correct consequence of this lodger's actions is eviction. That's what happens to adults who can't get along with their landlord.

[DottyG]

OP, you might want to step back here and consider that you have many posters on many pages now saying exactly the same thing to you. How many people here have looked at this relationship and noted that you're acting like a mother instead of a landlord?

Granted, the decision as to what role you want to take is up to you. But choose it and follow through with it. If you want to mother her, that's fine. But choose that path and go 100% with it. Not only partially and then muddying the water with something else.

Or be a true landlady. That doesn't mean you lose compassion for your lodger if they need it - I don't mean become cold. But there is a difference between a lady lady and a mom. Be one or the other.

[citadelle]

And, I think it will be a good lesson letting Lodger sweat for a few days while she waits my decision.

No. That is called being vindictive and mean. And not really what I'd expect from a professional landlady.

If you want her out, say so. Pull this bandaid off and go on. But all this mommying and wishywashyness isn't good for either of you.

OP replying here.  The main reason for waiting a few days, is for me.  I want to think with a clear head not an emotional, this required a day or two for me to calm down. I explained my reason exactly to Lodger, therefore her sweating it out is a by-product of my needs, rather than me deliberately being a meany.  I still think Lodger waiting for my answer will let her think twice before pulling the same stunt on me or anyone/landlord for that matter.

I disagree wholeheartedly with the bolded. Waiting for your answer will not make her "think twice" about anything. Yes, it may put her in a submissive position, but most adults who are put in a submissive position will react by asserting what power they do have, not by feeling chastened. And, it emphatically is not your role to chasten her anyway.