Rate the Rudeness

[m2kbug]

I think a better choice of words is in order here and a different tone.  "Sounds like fun!"  "Can't wait!"  It sounds like gramma was super excited about her plans and just went into a huge, long description where the child lost interest about 20 minutes ago.  I'm not jumping on the rude, but I do think a different choice of words and paying attention and acknowledging gramma and her plans and interests are in order.  And he's 4.  There are some restrictions here.  I think you're doing just fine in guidance and direction, and I hope gramma understands a 4 year old is working on a completely different plane as us grownups.

[JenJay]

She ranted at him and then held a grudge for going-on a week? Good grief! His display of annoyance was FAR less rude than hers. 

[sparksals]

I hope Granny's unreasonable behaviour does not turn into a pattern.

[Eeep!]

I really can't imagine holding a grudge against a 4 year old for one thing he said. That is even more ridiculous than the original situation. Ugh.  My 3 1/2 year old (excuse me - 3 3/4 year old ) routinely notifies me when I am telling him something I already have. He doesn't do it rudely but he does let me know.   So I can totally imagine him saying something similar if someone went on and on about something to which he already agreed.  I would do the same thing the OP did and tell him a nicer way to say it in the future, But if someone decided to hold that against him for a week? Not sure how I would deal with that...

[Yvaine]

I think a better choice of words is in order here and a different tone.  "Sounds like fun!"  "Can't wait!"  It sounds like gramma was super excited about her plans and just went into a huge, long description where the child lost interest about 20 minutes ago.  I'm not jumping on the rude, but I do think a different choice of words and paying attention and acknowledging gramma and her plans and interests are in order.  And he's 4.  There are some restrictions here.  I think you're doing just fine in guidance and direction, and I hope gramma understands a 4 year old is working on a completely different plane as us grownups.

I may have missed a post, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to drum up enthusiasm for a fun activity--it sounded to me more like she was lecturing that he should do some chore or "good-for-you" thing, like clean his room or floss his teeth or something.

[julianna]

She was telling him to do a one-time chore.  The lecture was listing all the bad things that would happen if he didn't do the chore (that he had already agreed to do). 

MIL is apparently speaking to us again.  She yelled at DS on the phone at the time, then the next time DH spoke to her nearly a week later she yelled at DH about DS's behavior, then she did her standard 'almost-silent-treatment-until-they-figure-out-I'm-upset-and-grovel.'  Needless to say, we did not grovel. So I don't know if she let it go, or if she's clinging to a vague memory of DS being horribly rude and disrespectful.  Either way, it will be a long time before he talks on the phone to her again. 
 

[LeveeWoman]

She was telling him to do a one-time chore.  The lecture was listing all the bad things that would happen if he didn't do the chore (that he had already agreed to do). 

MIL is apparently speaking to us again.  She yelled at DS on the phone at the time, then the next time DH spoke to her nearly a week later she yelled at DH about DS's behavior, then she did her standard 'almost-silent-treatment-until-they-figure-out-I'm-upset-and-grovel.'  Needless to say, we did not grovel. So I don't know if she let it go, or if she's clinging to a vague memory of DS being horribly rude and disrespectful. Either way, it will be a long time before he talks on the phone to her again.

I'm with you, Julianna. She sounds like a nasty bit of work.

[sparksals]

She was telling him to do a one-time chore.  The lecture was listing all the bad things that would happen if he didn't do the chore (that he had already agreed to do). 

MIL is apparently speaking to us again.  She yelled at DS on the phone at the time, then the next time DH spoke to her nearly a week later she yelled at DH about DS's behavior, then she did her standard 'almost-silent-treatment-until-they-figure-out-I'm-upset-and-grovel.'  Needless to say, we did not grovel. So I don't know if she let it go, or if she's clinging to a vague memory of DS being horribly rude and disrespectful.  Either way, it will be a long time before he talks on the phone to her again.

I think it is a very good idea to keep him off the phone with her.  I also suggest he not be left alone with her as she may berate him when you are not around.  She sounds very toxic.

[JoyinVirginia]

If MIL acts like that every time she talks to him, she's going to find he's not going to want to talk to her. He's 4, a solid 5 minute lecture about something he's already agreed to is a bit over the top. It would annoy most adults, let alone a 4 year old

I agree. I suggest decrease frequency of calls to grandma if your son upsets her so.

[LeveeWoman]

She was telling him to do a one-time chore.  The lecture was listing all the bad things that would happen if he didn't do the chore (that he had already agreed to do). 

MIL is apparently speaking to us again.  She yelled at DS on the phone at the time, then the next time DH spoke to her nearly a week later she yelled at DH about DS's behavior, then she did her standard 'almost-silent-treatment-until-they-figure-out-I'm-upset-and-grovel.'  Needless to say, we did not grovel. So I don't know if she let it go, or if she's clinging to a vague memory of DS being horribly rude and disrespectful.  Either way, it will be a long time before he talks on the phone to her again.

I think it is a very good idea to keep him off the phone with her.  I also suggest he not be left alone with her as she may berate him when you are not around.  She sounds very toxic.

Oh, yeah.

[oogyda]

I admit I started reading this thread with one thing in mind and have had to revise my thinking along the way.  I'll start with my original thoughts:

I'd be willing to cut grandma some slack.  4 year olds can sometimes be hard to engage over the phone.  While I tend to ask them questions, I could see that a 5-minute diatribe might be someone else's way.

I still hold that opinion.  In general.  This grandma lost any "benefit of the doubt" with her subsequent nastiness. 

[artk2002]

I admit I started reading this thread with one thing in mind and have had to revise my thinking along the way.  I'll start with my original thoughts:

I'd be willing to cut grandma some slack.  4 year olds can sometimes be hard to engage over the phone.  While I tend to ask them questions, I could see that a 5-minute diatribe might be someone else's way.

I still hold that opinion.  In general.  This grandma lost any "benefit of the doubt" with her subsequent nastiness.

Except that the child told her, up front, that he was going to do what she wanted him to do. It doesn't sound like there's an issue engaging this child on this topic.

While you may be right about it being a challenge to engage a 4yo, one of the first things to do is actually listen to the other person. Grandma probably expected resistance so she didn't hear the boy say "yes, I will" the first time and just ran with the script she wrote in her head expecting him to say "no." So for me, no slack for Grandma. It's not that hard to pay attention to the other person.

[Calistoga]

For a 4 year old that's a lot of restraint honestly. The BEST thing to do would be to say "Ok Grandma, I'll do X", but I think 4 years old is a little too young to expect perfect etiquette. If you can get Please and Thank You you're doing well.

If anything, compliment his patience. Remind him to use his nicest tone- there wouldn't have been any rudeness at all if he hadn't made his annoyance visible.

[Amava]

Well, his tone of voice was visibly annoyed.  As an adult, I would have made an effort to keep my tone light and pleasant, and said, "Grandma, I've already agreed to do it.  You don't need to keep convincing me."  (Probably some people would consider that rude as well.)  I don't really expect a four-year-old to show that kind of restraint, so I personally don't consider his response totally egregious.  But it was ruder than I would have preferred, and I would like to know if I am just making allowances because he's my child.  (Grandma had what I consider an overreaction, and I'm trying to get objective input.)

Grandma is the oldest, she should be the wisest.
And sometimes being wise means: talk less, listen more.
Sometimes being wise also means: take less offense to what someone (especially a four year old!) says and how they say it, and instead try to understand what they are actually /trying/ to tell you.

[Reika]

Honestly, at 36 if someone was giving me a diatribe for 5 minutes over something I agreed to...I'd probably change my mind by the time they were done. Or I'd find some way of cutting them off in mid-rant. That a 4 year old had the patience to put up with it amazes me.