I need advice....updated #8

[MamaMootz]

On this baby shower. I posted about this place in the I Need a Hug Folder and here in All in Day's Work. Links to both threads:

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=125498.0
http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=125788.0

So, I was invited to the baby shower for one of the people I support who is my "boss".  I don't know if I should go.

1) I know I will never be hired on full-time as a regular employee.

2) The shower is being held on Friday afternoon, during work hours. The company policy is contractors (me) are not to be included in any company sponsored social events or activities. I think a shower qualifies, but I checked with my agency and she thinks I should go. However, my agency contact has no idea how psychotic the environment is here.

3) If I do go, it will be on my own time and I'm really not inclined to give up my personal time for this event.

4) I do not want to mess up any references I may get, but on the other hand, I'm not sure anyone here would give me one as that is probably against company policy as well.

5) I just got an e-mail from backup manager telling me I need to be here for very specific hours as support, and not to deviate from them in any way.

I'm torn. My inclination, right now, is to not go and send a gift. I don't want to look petty, and am afraid I may end up doing just that.

What would you do? Go or not go and just send a gift?

 

[alice]

Don't go, but send a small gift.

[Poppea]

Send an email to your boss.  Tell her how happy you  are for here and how much you wish you could go to the shower.  Tell her that you have been told to stick to the rules and you don't want to do anything wrong.  Tell her you have a present for her and you would like to give it to her. 

Dear Boss,

I am so happy that you are expecting Baby Boo,  My children are XXXXX to me and I know that you will be a fabulous mother.  I wish that I could attend your shower on Thursday, but I have been informed by (back up manager) that I cannot deviate from my support hours.  I have a present for the baby and would love to give it to you personally.  Would it be better to bring it in the day of the shower or earlier?

You've covered all your bases.  No feelings will be hurt or explanations needed.

[FoxPaws]

Throw "the rules" under the bus. I like Poppea's email, although I'd avoid mention of any specific person - just reiterate that because you're contract, you're bound by those policies. Gush about the pregnancy/baby; send a small gift.

I confess that I did not read the background threads, so my answer is based solely on what you've written here.

Best of luck. Office social politics are their own trek through (not e)hell.

[Twik]

Poppea's suggestion is a good one.

[MamaMootz]

I think that it's going to look bad that the person they hired as her direct support isn't going to the shower.... but honestly, my hours have been cut as it is and I'm not happy about that, among other things. I may do the e-mail thing, but I can't do it in advance as I think the shower is a surprise for her - I'm not sure.

I think the consensus is send a gift, but don't go. I feel better about it.

[audrey1962]

Don't go and give a card.

[Amara]

I agree with a card rather than a small gift. Your hours have been cut, you have less money, and you have no chance of going permanent. I think a gift is too much. A card shows you care in exactly the right amount.

[MamaMootz]

OP here - it's done. I RSVP'd "no" to the shower and I left the gift bag on her desk this morning - I had purchased a small collection of Boynton books for the baby previously. I didn't try to give it to her personally as she has back to back meetings today and I don't want to interrupt her schedule.

I e-mailed her a note like Poppea's but not exactly the same. I just told her I was happy for her, that having a child is a wonderful blessing, and that I was unable to attend the shower tomorrow afternoon without going into details. (I found out from the organizer that she knows about it, so I didn't break any rules on spoiling the surprise).

I just feel that if as a contractor, I'm excluded from every other social activity that takes place here, like take your child to work day, which is going on right now - I should not be included in an activity just because it involves giving a gift. It puts me in an awkward position and they need to be consistent - either I'm excluded from everything, or I'm excluded from nothing.

Thanks for the advice - I'll update if there is fallout. I don't think there will be, though.

[TootsNYC]

I think that it's going to look bad that the person they hired as her direct support isn't going to the shower.... but honestly, my hours have been cut as it is and I'm not happy about that, among other things. I may do the e-mail thing, but I can't do it in advance as I think the shower is a surprise for her - I'm not sure.

I think the consensus is send a gift, but don't go. I feel better about it.

I see you've made your choice and it sounds like a good one.

If it had been a surprise, and your "audience" is not just her, I'd say send a note to the organizer of the shower saying basically Poppea's thing: "I'd love to attend, but as a contractor I feel that I can't. [I'll probably give her my gift/card afterward so as not to ruin the surprise, but would you let her know that's why I'm not there?]/[Can I give you a gift/card to pass on to her?]"

And if money's tight, for someone in your position, I'd swap out the card (they're not cheap!) for a handwritten note on whatever nice stationery they already have, and suggest buying something that's $5 to give her with the note.