Author Topic: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette  (Read 4840 times)

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kherbert05

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #15 on: April 23, 2013, 11:29:43 PM »
Loren and Brett went to a daycare/preschool that fed into a private k-6 school. When Loren was in K, Sis was told you had to invite all the kids in K or all the girls in K not just the ones in the class. Since it was a private school they could enforce it.


The parents were  NOT HAPPY.


When sis was in 1st or 2nd she wanted to invite all the kids expect one Pete. Pete was mean. Mom of course would not stand for it. She allowed Sis to invite the boys but that meant Pete. Pete with malice of forethought broke Hans' arm. He held the boy in place and slammed a heavy gate on his arm while adults jumped over things and ran in street shoes across the roller rink to save Hans. Sis wasn't allowed to have boy girl parties after that. Pete was excluded from other people's parties and his parents moved him to a private school. The sad part was Pete was not the most disturbed kid we went to school with. High functioning sociopaths and Narisists for parents do not make for a good mix of kids at school.




The saga of boy girl parties continued till they were in JH - and someone had a birthday party at a night club. They were left unsupervised and broke into the bar area. A large number of kids ended up in the hospital. The night club lost its licence, and some of the "Adults" faced criminal charges. Sis had not been allowed to attend and Dad had tried to warn the owner about how monumentally stupid he was being. It was about then that Mom and Dad understood what I had meant when in K -2 I kept insisting that some of my classmates did not have parents.



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sammycat

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2013, 12:39:59 AM »
(and btw, it did backfire on the mom because alot of the kids backed out of the party when it was found out). 

Good.  Glad to hear some parents and kids still are still decent human beings, unlike the invitee's parent/s.

*inviteseller

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2013, 12:52:00 AM »
(and btw, it did backfire on the mom because alot of the kids backed out of the party when it was found out). 

Good.  Glad to hear some parents and kids still are still decent human beings, unlike the invitee's parent/s.

The sad part was the kid was really nice, but I think that was due to dad (parents were separated).  When they came to my DD's party all the kids played together, and it was like a mini United Nations and dad was very involved in helping out (he had to bring all 5 kids because the Mrs refused to bring her son or have the other 4 while he brought son to party).  I am not a fool to think there isn't racism out there, but to see such blatant racism to 5 yr olds turned my stomach along with a lot of other parents.

magician5

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2013, 07:59:16 AM »
Disappointment is one of those "everybody has to learn how to handle it sooner or later" life lessons. I know I'm in the minority here, but childhood is not a magic fairyland ... may as well learn the lesson now. Life's not fair, and they may not get everything they want.
There is no 'way to peace.' Peace is the way.

MommyPenguin

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2013, 08:31:11 AM »
I'll agree that kids do need to learn that they aren't invited to every party, and that's an important life lesson.

However, if an adult came on here and said that every one of her coworkers was invited to a party, but not her, we would be indignant on her behalf.  *Even* in the adult world this is an insult and comes across as mean-spirited.  Whether you're talking about adults or kids, inviting almost all of a group without inviting the whole group feels more like singling out that person/those people to *not* be invited, versus choosing just one's real friends to be *invited*, and I think that's where the issue is.

I think the parents are wrong to invite so high a percentage of the class and not those 4 boys.  I think that the 50% rule sounds reasonable.  Half the kids or less, that's fine.  Any more than that and you invite the whole group.  I could maybe see an exception if there's a kid who is bullying your child and it's known to his family because you've tried to get it to stop.  They'll know exactly why he's not invited.  If you have a child who is a serious problem and you don't think he can handle himself at the party, you could call his parents separately and explain that you'd *like* to invite him, but you know he has trouble at this sort of event, and that you'd be happy to include him *if* a parent stays with him and makes sure he's able to stay under control, and that if that can't happen you're very sorry he won't be able to come, or something like that.

m2kbug

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #20 on: April 24, 2013, 08:53:44 AM »
This is a really hard age when little ones don't get invited too.  I've had to deal with this with the siblings and there have been a lot of times when the little sibling is given one of the extra goody bags from the other kid's party, which thrills them to no end.  It hurts, but it's life.  You don't get invited to everything. 

It's always been a rule at my school that if you're going to distribute invitations via backpack express, through school, you invite everyone.  Otherwise, you need to make other arrangements.  This was grade school,  the younger grades, not now in the upper grades.

It's pretty lousy that the whole class was invited except for a small handful in this situation.  I think there was a serious miss-step here.

Because I haven't always done the "whole class" party, I have expressed to my child not talk about it in front of other people that aren't on the invitation list.  It's just rude.  There's a certain level of discretion here. 

OSUJillyBean

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #21 on: April 24, 2013, 09:50:46 AM »
I don't (yet) have kiddos so take this opinion for what it's worth:

Is it really so hard to invite kids outside of the classroom to a birthday party?  And why would you (the party host/hostess) want two dozen rugrats in your care anyway if you tried to invite the entire class?  At a very young age I had a birthday party at the park with the girls from my brownie troop (girl scouts).  There were maybe seven who could attend and that was fine.  We played on swings, ate cake, etc. and it was fine.

I will never understand spending hundreds of dollars on a birthday party for a kid that young, who might not even remember the event as a grown-up!  Little kids are easy: sugar and playtime and a few friends to enjoy it with.

LeveeWoman

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #22 on: April 24, 2013, 09:54:38 AM »
"Rugrats"?

OSUJillyBean

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #23 on: April 24, 2013, 09:58:22 AM »
"Rugrats"?

Small humanoid creature under the age of 8.   Also known as midget, half-pint, tot, small-fry, etc.  ;)

nrb80

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #24 on: April 24, 2013, 11:08:50 AM »
I don't (yet) have kiddos so take this opinion for what it's worth:

Is it really so hard to invite kids outside of the classroom to a birthday party?  And why would you (the party host/hostess) want two dozen rugrats in your care anyway if you tried to invite the entire class?  At a very young age I had a birthday party at the park with the girls from my brownie troop (girl scouts).  There were maybe seven who could attend and that was fine.  We played on swings, ate cake, etc. and it was fine.

I will never understand spending hundreds of dollars on a birthday party for a kid that young, who might not even remember the event as a grown-up!  Little kids are easy: sugar and playtime and a few friends to enjoy it with.

See, I think that for too many parents, there is little to no contact with other parents in a child's classroom except pickup/drop off and no contact information other than school mailboxes.  At our preschool, I have emails for all the other parents, phone numbers for most, and am Facebook friends with many. 

At the preschool age, I personally just invite the whole class.  There have been several discussions among a couple close mothers about one child, who is the class bully, says inappropriate things, and generally acts inappropriately.  That family has declined every invite our out of school activity, so it's a non-issue, but the discussion I had with my son (who is turning 4) is that he can invite three best friends for his birthday or all his friends, including the problem child.  He chose the latter.

The teachers are working with the kids to talk about appropriate and inappropriate conversation and behavior.  One issue is playdates - I'm going to X's house is exciting to kids, but it hurts those excluded.  I felt absolutely AWFUL a month or so ago - I pinch hit for the parents of my son's best friend and picked him up on a day my son was not at school, took him home, fed him dinner, etc.  It was last minute, and he wasn't told about it until I picked him up - and since he was a little apprehensive I knelt down and said that we could call his mommy, and we were going to have spaghetti and meatballs and he could ride in my van next to his BFF.  Cue tears from two little girls who don't even like the boys, but were sad they were left out.

As for why hold these sort of parties - as painful as small children can be, holding and attending these parties - especially ones where the whole family is invited - helps build social relationships between the parents, and helps form bonds. Those social bonds can be extremely helpful, as well as beneficial to everyone involved.  And it's part of the grit your teeth and manage that comes with kids :-)  I certainly cannot stand one mother, who I hang out with on occasion and get together with as a family because her child and my child adore each other, and her husband is awesome and gets along with my husband. 

Lynn2000

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #25 on: April 24, 2013, 01:30:21 PM »
At the preschool age, I personally just invite the whole class.  There have been several discussions among a couple close mothers about one child, who is the class bully, says inappropriate things, and generally acts inappropriately.  That family has declined every invite our out of school activity, so it's a non-issue, but the discussion I had with my son (who is turning 4) is that he can invite three best friends for his birthday or all his friends, including the problem child.  He chose the latter.

I think offering the birthday child the choice is sensible--small party with a few kids, or large party with everyone, possibly including some kids you don't like. I think that situation is widely applicable to a lot of other situations throughout life--like the friend whose spouse you dislike, for example, or the company party that offers both networking opportunities and also Obnoxious Ned. (Though of course if I personally, as the parent, didn't want to deal with a large party, or couldn't stand a couple of kids and didn't want to risk them being there, I would just state it was going to be a small party, so choose your three best friends only.)

The teachers are working with the kids to talk about appropriate and inappropriate conversation and behavior.  One issue is playdates - I'm going to X's house is exciting to kids, but it hurts those excluded.  I felt absolutely AWFUL a month or so ago - I pinch hit for the parents of my son's best friend and picked him up on a day my son was not at school, took him home, fed him dinner, etc.  It was last minute, and he wasn't told about it until I picked him up - and since he was a little apprehensive I knelt down and said that we could call his mommy, and we were going to have spaghetti and meatballs and he could ride in my van next to his BFF.  Cue tears from two little girls who don't even like the boys, but were sad they were left out.

I dunno. I don't have kids and I'm not especially good with them, so maybe I'm missing something here, but I think I would kind of look at those little girls like,  ???. I would wonder if they were already drama queens or used to getting whatever they wanted just by carrying on. Knowing you and one other person were excluded from something that everyone else did is hurtful; knowing that you, and almost everyone else except for one person, don't get to go over to Susie's house tonight for spaghetti and meatballs is just... life. I can definitely understand teaching kids not to brag about something, but that was clearly not happening in this case, so I would come away thinking those girls were just weird. Or I would wonder if something bad was going on in their homes, like, do they not get fed adequately, such that even overhearing someone else's dinner plans upsets them. That's where my mind would go, not, they're hurt because they're being excluded from something.
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mechtilde

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2013, 01:40:05 PM »
I noticed early on that the children who had the big invite the whole class sort of parties only had one or two before their parents gave up on the idea.

My children don't get to invite everyone, but they have had a party every year. From about the age of five they have set the guest list and often dictated the menu and games (yes I retained the power of veto, but never really needed to use it). There are 25-30 children per class, and we have room for 12 tops. I can't afford a huge blow out every year with room hire, food for 30 etc- let alone having it at somewhere like a softplay.

Yes, it means that there will be uninvited children, but that's life.
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TootsNYC

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #27 on: April 24, 2013, 02:31:26 PM »
When my DD was little and in a close-knit daycare, lots of parents invited all the kids.

But we couldn't afford that, bcs we wanted an at-home party, and we wouldn't have had room for them all. To invite them all, we'd have had to go to a bowling alley or something.

So we invited only one kid more than her age, so 5 out of 25 or 30. They were the kids she played with most often and seemed closest to. It was good training for them all, I think.

*inviteseller

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #28 on: April 24, 2013, 04:00:19 PM »
Toots, what you did is fine because in that case I wouldn't bat an eye if my child had not been invited, but the other way around if you had invited 20 and excluded 5 is the point that is to me, maybe not rude, but can cause some issues with the kids.  I was the mom who invited the whole daycare class, or the whole class because thankfully my DD's are both June so we get a grove at the park and I have a big old bar b que.  But typically, you didn't get half of the invites to even respond (my pet peeve) and I also only did this every other year.  Yes, there was always that one kid you really really really did not want to come, but in the few cases we had, they never rsvp'd or came to any of the parties anyway.  By the time they get to middle school and branch out because now you have different people in different classes and it is not as noticeable when everyone is not invited.  All the parties my younger DD has been to since she started school last year have been all the girls in the class only (between 12-14).
To the poster who asked about how hard it is to know the classmates...my district is large, as much students as area covered.  Your bff on the saturday soccer team may live 2 streets away, but goes to a different elementary school.  I am on the line that decides which school you go to and as many kids are down the street that my DD plays with at the playground, none go to school with her.  Her bff from school lives over the other side of the district and our neighborhood has a glut of boys for her age group and only 2 girls and they don't really play together.  Gone are the days where mom was home and walked the kids to school then went and had coffee with the other moms in the neighborhood. 

nrb80

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Re: (More) Child Birthday Party Etiquette
« Reply #29 on: April 24, 2013, 05:29:55 PM »
I dunno. I don't have kids and I'm not especially good with them, so maybe I'm missing something here, but I think I would kind of look at those little girls like,  ???. I would wonder if they were already drama queens or used to getting whatever they wanted just by carrying on. Knowing you and one other person were excluded from something that everyone else did is hurtful; knowing that you, and almost everyone else except for one person, don't get to go over to Susie's house tonight for spaghetti and meatballs is just... life. I can definitely understand teaching kids not to brag about something, but that was clearly not happening in this case, so I would come away thinking those girls were just weird. Or I would wonder if something bad was going on in their homes, like, do they not get fed adequately, such that even overhearing someone else's dinner plans upsets them. That's where my mind would go, not, they're hurt because they're being excluded from something.

It's perfectly developmentally normal for a 3-4 year old.  They still think the universe revolves around them, and they are only beginning to learn that other people have fun without them.  It's terrifying, and healthy, to go through this pain at 3-4.  They're terrible little tyrants at this age, just learning how the world works.