Author Topic: Wedding invitation with confusing wording  (Read 5208 times)

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ettiquit

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #30 on: April 23, 2013, 03:04:05 PM »
OP here - to clarify, my uncle did say that the invitation was a gesture, not the hotel choice.  I think he may have been a bit clumsy with his choice of words, and really don't think he meant that mom and aunt weren't welcome. 

The invitation also did not include any information on nightly rate or discount (if there was one), so maybe that led to the confusion?

Honestly, I was a little hurt not to get an invite after I found out my mom was invited.  I put aunts and cousins in the same family "category", and my mom is certainly no closer to this cousin and his bride than I am.  I kind of wonder if my uncle pressured them to invite my mom and aunt out of respect?  Maybe a few of the bride's aunts and uncles got invited and they wanted to be fair? 

The whole thing really just struck me as odd.

Specky

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #31 on: April 23, 2013, 03:09:02 PM »
We received a gesture invitation from close family last year.  It can be pretty danged hurtful. 

We received the invitation, and the next day received a phone call asking if we received the invitation.   Before we could say anything else, we were told that even though we were sent the invite, they KNEW we wouldn't be able to come and had already marked us down as a "no", so don't worry about the RSVP. We weren't really invited, but they wanted us to "feel a part of things." The thing is, we had planned on attending, having received all the info in the STD and would have been quite able to do so.

LeveeWoman

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #32 on: April 23, 2013, 03:41:20 PM »
We received a gesture invitation from close family last year.  It can be pretty danged hurtful. 

We received the invitation, and the next day received a phone call asking if we received the invitation.   Before we could say anything else, we were told that even though we were sent the invite, they KNEW we wouldn't be able to come and had already marked us down as a "no", so don't worry about the RSVP. We weren't really invited, but they wanted us to "feel a part of things." The thing is, we had planned on attending, having received all the info in the STD and would have been quite able to do so.


Did you send a gift?

Hmmmmm

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #33 on: April 23, 2013, 03:48:18 PM »
We received a gesture invitation from close family last year.  It can be pretty danged hurtful. 

We received the invitation, and the next day received a phone call asking if we received the invitation.   Before we could say anything else, we were told that even though we were sent the invite, they KNEW we wouldn't be able to come and had already marked us down as a "no", so don't worry about the RSVP. We weren't really invited, but they wanted us to "feel a part of things." The thing is, we had planned on attending, having received all the info in the STD and would have been quite able to do so.

I really would have thought they were trying to be nice and say "oh, don't feel like you have to come". I would have responded 'Oh, no. We plan to be there. I've already got the RSVP card filled out and ready to go. Can't wait." Wonder what that outcome would have been :)

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #34 on: April 23, 2013, 04:01:18 PM »
We received a gesture invitation from close family last year.  It can be pretty danged hurtful. 

We received the invitation, and the next day received a phone call asking if we received the invitation.   Before we could say anything else, we were told that even though we were sent the invite, they KNEW we wouldn't be able to come and had already marked us down as a "no", so don't worry about the RSVP. We weren't really invited, but they wanted us to "feel a part of things." The thing is, we had planned on attending, having received all the info in the STD and would have been quite able to do so.

Tacky, tacky, tacky.  And hurtful.

Eeep!

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #35 on: April 23, 2013, 04:03:13 PM »
We received a gesture invitation from close family last year.  It can be pretty danged hurtful. 

We received the invitation, and the next day received a phone call asking if we received the invitation.   Before we could say anything else, we were told that even though we were sent the invite, they KNEW we wouldn't be able to come and had already marked us down as a "no", so don't worry about the RSVP. We weren't really invited, but they wanted us to "feel a part of things." The thing is, we had planned on attending, having received all the info in the STD and would have been quite able to do so.

Tacky, tacky, tacky.  And hurtful.

I totally agree. And why would they send a STD?
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

JeanFromBNA

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #36 on: April 23, 2013, 04:04:21 PM »
I've only read the first eight responses and will go back and read the rest but I did want to post that I think the couple is encouraging guests to register there and mention their name because if enough of them do the couple will get their hotel room (and maybe more) for free.

Maybe, but when I've planned events, it's pretty easy to get a room rate discount for members attending your event, even if the event is offsite.  We offer to mention the hotel and discount on our website. 

LadyR

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #37 on: April 23, 2013, 04:16:39 PM »
I've only read the first eight responses and will go back and read the rest but I did want to post that I think the couple is encouraging guests to register there and mention their name because if enough of them do the couple will get their hotel room (and maybe more) for free.

I have never heard of a hotel having this sort of arrangement.  Not saying it can't happen, just that in my years on wedding planning boards I've never seen anything like it.

When a friend of mine got married. They had this arrangment. I actually booked online, because I found it eaiser and was pressured to call in with my reservation, because reservations made online didn't count towards their total.

I'm also one who invited several people we didn't expect to come to our wedding, including a friend in Hong Kong, so they knew we were thinking about them,


artk2002

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #38 on: April 23, 2013, 04:43:35 PM »
There are two parts to this. First, as noted above, getting a block of rooms for a wedding like this is very normal; sometimes the HC get a break on their room and sometimes they don't. No, the HC don't pay for them, but they often get a discount on the block and it's convenient for everyone involved. Second is the invitation as a "gesture." If the couple invited people with the express idea that those people wouldn't come, then they've violated the second law of invitations (the first is "An invitation is not a summons.") That law is "invite only the people you actually want to see and can accommodate." Even inviting frail Aunt Mable, who hasn't left her home in 30 years, you do so being prepared for her to come. People will surprise you and assuming that someone won't come is a great way to mess up your head count.

If you want to send a gesture to someone whom you don't really want at the wedding, then send an announcement after the event. But never, ever invite someone you wouldn't be happy to see, and, conversely, don't leave someone off of the invitation list because you assume that they can't make it. Again, people will surprise you.

And no, just be cause you (generic) got away with inviting people you didn't expect to come, it still isn't right.
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Hmmmmm

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #39 on: April 23, 2013, 05:24:24 PM »
There are two parts to this. First, as noted above, getting a block of rooms for a wedding like this is very normal; sometimes the HC get a break on their room and sometimes they don't. No, the HC don't pay for them, but they often get a discount on the block and it's convenient for everyone involved. Second is the invitation as a "gesture." If the couple invited people with the express idea that those people wouldn't come, then they've violated the second law of invitations (the first is "An invitation is not a summons.") That law is "invite only the people you actually want to see and can accommodate." Even inviting frail Aunt Mable, who hasn't left her home in 30 years, you do so being prepared for her to come. People will surprise you and assuming that someone won't come is a great way to mess up your head count.

If you want to send a gesture to someone whom you don't really want at the wedding, then send an announcement after the event. But never, ever invite someone you wouldn't be happy to see, and, conversely, don't leave someone off of the invitation list because you assume that they can't make it. Again, people will surprise you.

And no, just be cause you (generic) got away with inviting people you didn't expect to come, it still isn't right.

Art you do such a good job of summarizing in a very straight forward way.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #40 on: April 23, 2013, 07:06:28 PM »
What about people you don't think they're going to come, but want them to, and you invite them anyway?

Seven Ate Nine

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #41 on: April 23, 2013, 07:43:28 PM »
What about people you don't think they're going to come, but want them to, and you invite them anyway?

I think that this is "in the clear" behavior.  I did this with my wedding.  My ILs extended family lives halfway across the country, and it was pretty well known by the time invitations were sent out who was going to be able to make it and who was not.  We sent invitations to everyone anyway.  If someone had unexpectedly been able to come, we would have welcomed them with open arms (and a quick reshuffling of accomidations, because everyone was being hosted, no hotel rooms).    As it was, the answers fell as we expected, and we wound up paying for more than came because our invitations list was pretty much exactly at the minimum for the hall.

I think that there are two slightly different discussions going on here.  One is about people who are not really invited, but get an invitation anyway.  The other is more like my story, and inviting the Aunt that hasn't left the nursing home in 15 years.  These people are truly welcome, and as Art said, they may surprise you and indicate that they are able to come, but that surprise would be happy and welcome.

Bluenomi

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #42 on: April 23, 2013, 07:55:13 PM »
We did the reserve room at our reception venue thing. It didn't benefit us in any way, just our guests who booked under our name. They got a discount because we were spending so much money with the hotel, they we happy to give our guests the reduced rate. If nobody stayed their it didn't cost us any more or less. We gave our interstate guests a list of accomadation options and mentioned they got a discount at the venue but they could stay wherever they liked.

As for the gesture invites we had some. DH has lots of relatives over the other side of the world who we knew weren't coming. But if we didn't invite them we would have been in huge trouble so they got invitations anyway. If they did decide to come it would have been fine but the invite really was just a gesture

Tea Drinker

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #43 on: April 23, 2013, 07:59:52 PM »
What about people you don't think they're going to come, but want them to, and you invite them anyway?

Absolutely cool. Some friends of mine did that a dozen years ago: the people they wanted to invite were scattered over a very large area (including both online friends and people they'd each met at university), so they knew they'd get a bunch of regrets, but they also hoped that at least some of us would be willing and able to make the trip. (I built that year's vacation around it, including a week of tourist stuff in London beforehand.) The invitations meant what invitations should always mean: "we are having a party and hope you will join us."

Well before that, my grandparents did the same with a milestone anniversary party: invitations went to people they hadn't seen in a long time, but wanted to; I think they figured that stamps are cheap, and well worth it if even a few of the far-flung relatives accepted. I think they were pleasantly surprised by how many of the far-flung relatives accepted the invitations; I know they were pleasantly surprised when my mother fell in love with, and married, a second cousin who she met at that party.
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LifeOnPluto

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Re: Wedding invitation with confusing wording
« Reply #44 on: April 23, 2013, 11:45:10 PM »
I think the HC should have been clearer with the wording. The invitation sounded like guests had no choice as to what hotel they stayed at, which would have been confusing. And if your mum isn't used to travelling for weddings, I can totally see how she assumed the HC were paying for the accommodation.

Regarding "gesture" invitations - I think they're fine so long as the hosts are happy to see and accommodate those guests who actually do RSVP "yes".