Author Topic: His baby mama...  (Read 2901 times)

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Tia

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His baby mama...
« on: April 24, 2013, 07:00:49 PM »
I haven't been on here in a long while. I feel like that annoying friend that only comes around when they need something...
I hope I can be forgiven. I'll be sure to spend some time to show my gratitude :)

I'll try to keep this short.

My fiance has an ex, with whom they share a daughter. We've been together for two years and he only got to see her once.

The problem is that she the ex is a Native American, and the tribe is really bad about not ruling for fathers, especially non native ones. We know we will have to hire a very expensive lawyer to get him some decent visitation rights, and that will ultimately be the end result of all of this. But it's not an option right now.

Can we solve this with good manners?

He used to get to see her but when he got a girlfriend (me) she quit letting him.  Recently, she needed a babysitter over night and he was her last chance. We'll call the little one Lilly, because that's a beautiful and fitting name for her. Lilly is 5, she is a sweet girl and we had a lot of fun. The mom who we'll call Lucifer, didn't send her with clothes so we went and picked up some items, she had fun trying on new outfits from the sale rack. And we took her swimming.

Lucifer isn't very feminine, aside from the eyebrows she draws on razor thin half way up her brow I don't think she tends to her appearance. I am pretty feminine, little Lilly loved my long tropical maxi dress so she bought one like mine and wanted to wear her hair down, and habitually applied the lip gloss on that I gave her. I mean to say, she took a liking to me.

Anyway when we returned lilly to Lucifer my love managed to get her to say "maybe" to the next weekend.

That Thursday he texted to confirm and she flipped on him. Saying that I told Lilly she was "fat and ugly and was mean to her." I don't know if Lilly is a curious little girl and said something to her mom to get a reaction, or if Lucifer is lying. But I got fed up and texted her, she never had my number before. And on that poor woman I rained every ounce of charm my southern roots ever bestowed upon me. I mean I gave that woman a tooth ache. She agreed to let him see her, we went to the meeting place, I introduced myself, ooh and she is a mean troll of a woman my goodness. While we couldn't get a smile, and I couldn't even get so much as a handshake, the end result was that she did let him take her the weekend. I stayed friendly, and told him to do the same. She hasn't contacted me but has let him see her the two weeks since, he's been really good about playing nice.

Anyway it's been great in one month he's seen lilly 6 times. I think it's always when she needs a babysitter, but we're happy he's moved onto the potential babysitter list.

THE PROBLEM:
She wants him back, thats why she wouldn't let him see lilly in the first place. The second he so much as rejects her she is going to go psycho, and she's slowly pushing toward that end. Right now he's got a balance of civility and stays on topic about Lilly only, but she's begun sending "Morning :)" texts and keeps texting him to see "whats up" which he ignores. She sent him a photo of her, eyebrows done extra thinů and tried to coordinate a meeting at our apartment when she thought I was at work (turned out I wasn't) and acted coy about it and wanted to schedule for the next day. He said her shirts have gotten lower cut, and she's started to put on lipsticků etc.

I don't have to worry about him and her, we've got a strong mutual partnership going here that just gets better and better.

But I do worry about his relationship with his daughter. So far I've been pleasant as pie and can stay that way but I can only do so much. We've even talked about doing a "Catfish" on her, giving her an online love interest so she leaves him alone and lets him keep seeing her. But we aren't that cruel.

That's just how desperate we are. This situation only has a week or two before it implodes in our faces, does anyone have any thoughts besides "get a lawyer" It's just not an option right now.

NyaChan

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Re: His baby mama...
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2013, 07:07:00 PM »
In my opinion, this is a custody issue, not an etiquette one. 

alis

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Re: His baby mama...
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2013, 07:30:45 PM »
Etiquette would probably dictate that you leave parental legal manners to the parents and do not refer to this child's mother as "Lucifer" online. Your post is offensive and makes you sound very immature. How rude of you.

*inviteseller

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Re: His baby mama...
« Reply #3 on: April 24, 2013, 07:35:43 PM »
Be civil be civil be civil on his end.  On your end, stay out of it.  Do not text her, do not engage her, do not go to pick up or drop off.  Unless you live together, I would suggest that you do not join him for the weekend visits for awhile.  He barely knows his DD, let them bond without outside influences.  If his hands stay clean in all of this, it will look better when the time does come to file for visitation. 

AnnaJane

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Re: His baby mama...
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2013, 07:39:41 PM »
Pod to inviteseller, though at the end of the day, etiquette  will not help very much. Being polite and non- engaging will be fine for a while, but if she blows up, no amount of courtesy will change her.

wheeitsme

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Re: His baby mama...
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2013, 07:42:30 PM »
I agree with some of the other posters - while good manners and southern charm helped for a little while, it doesn't look like it will permanently solve the problems. 

Good for you for trying the good manners and politeness route first, though!