"who's watching the kids?"

[Hmmmmm]

menley wrote:

"I always ask friends of mine that are parents where the kids are - if they normally bring the children, that is.  I never mean it as a rude question."

I'd just suggest a switch to "How are the kids doing?" and you're golden.  Showing interest in the kids doesn't get you in trouble, and you could even follow that up with "where are they" if you're curious, because then it comes across as interest more than judgement.

Virg

Here's an example of you can't win for loosing. I dislike "How are the kids doing?" if you are really using it as a conversation starter. If you ask me that question, you'll get the same answer you'd get if you greated me with "Hi, How are you?".  It'll be "They are well."

What am I supposed to say to that? I once replied "DD's meth lab has done wonders for her college fund but we're not sure DS's plans to drop out in 8th grade is really the best long term move." (they were in HS/MS by then)

I'm perfectly fine with a "Where's the kid's tonight" or "What are the kids up to?" as convesation starters.

But I do understand the difference people have talked about in tone when asked between  what I normally encountered of a nicely non judgemental "Who'd you talk into babysitting your kids tonight" and "Oh my, you did you think was worthy of watching your precious children while you spend time doing something non-parent related."

[TootsNYC]

Here's an example of you can't win for loosing. I dislike "How are the kids doing?" if you are really using it as a conversation starter. If you ask me that question, you'll get the same answer you'd get if you greated me with "Hi, How are you?".  It'll be "They are well."

What am I supposed to say to that? I once replied "DD's meth lab has done wonders for her college fund but we're not sure DS's plans to drop out in 8th grade is really the best long term move." (they were in HS/MS by then)

I get what you mean. (and if it's the first thing you ask me, that's kinda rude too)

But I always respond to that "how are the kids?" with, first, "They're fine," and then I say, "DD is planning to go to Italy" or "DS has taken up track" or just some sort of reply that gives the other person some info about them.

Which is what I do when someone asks me, "How are you?" at a social gathering. I say, "I'm fine." and THEN I say, "We're enjoying the new kitten" or "I went to a play with DD and her friend."

I offer up some sort of conversational topic.

[TomatoBunny]

Not a Nosy Parker question, but more of a 'You're An Idiot" question was wondering if the Reds were twins.  There has ALWAYS been a size difference between them, and even though #2 was petite for her age, and #3 was bigger for her age, #2 was always a lot bigger than her little sister, because, for reals people, 31 months apart!   

Unfortunately, I'm not really surprised, but you're not alone! My brother is 2.5 years younger than me and while we were growing up, my mom often got the 'twins?' comments because our hair, eyes and skin shade were all the same. Even though I managed to be taller than him (we evened out/he passed me in height while I was in high school, if I recall correctly), that apparently wasn't enough to signify that I was older than him.

[nolechica]

With all the people that only have family babysit, I shudder to think what questions my mom got when I was a kid.  I wasn't babysat by family unless we went to them.  My mom interviewed kids/got recs from other parents.  However, my parents definitely had plenty of nights out.

[TootsNYC]

I don't think there was quite the same "stranger danger" fear when I was a kid.

[Sharnita]

See, I would ask one of my siblings because depending on who is watching them, they will be playing with this little buddy or that one. And my nose definitely isn't out of joint that it isn't me that is babysitting.

[NotCinderell]

Most of the time when I get this question, it's usually in a disappointed tone, like the person asking wishes they had come along.  And usually they realize that it was entirely inappropriate that I would have brought them and of course they couldn't be there (like at a wake).  They're just expressing a little regret that they didn't get the chance to see the kids.

I'm lucky, though.  Most of the people who know me aren't crazy and don't assume that leaving the kids with a sitter is tantamount to child neglect.

[CharlieBraun]

My husband takes our (special needs) dog literally everywhere.  He's a big dog so he is noticed.  His absence is noted even more.  The tellers at the bank on Friday were at a loss when they saw DH's car pull into the drive through, but no Andy's head sticking out of the back seat window, ready for his treat.  They had the biscuit jar out and open for him.

ALL of DH's conversations, when he is out without the dog, begin from the other side with "where's Andy?" 

I will, however, now watch myself so that I don't say the "where's the baby?" to anyone, since it now seems a little rude in light of this thread.  I usually ask because I'm genuinely interested, but I can see how that might come across as 1) accusatory or 2) no longer recognizing you as a person before you were a parent.

[lisztchick]

Is there ever a circumstance where it is actually part of one's job to ask "who is watching your child?"

I have a question (and please tell me and forgive me if this is an inappropriate place to ask it!) About six weeks after the birth of my daughter, I was in hospitalized for some fairly serious post-partum complications. I was in the ICU for about a week....sans my new baby. (I don't need to say how awful THAT was!) Without fail, every time a new nurse came on her shift, the first or second question she would ask was, "Who is watching your baby?" They always asked in a very nice, professional way....I mean, I don't believe anyone seriously thought that she'd just been abandoned somewhere. But not one person failed to ask that question, and I was wondering if it was perhaps something they were required to ask? Would anyone here know?

[ti_ax]

But not one person failed to ask that question, and I was wondering if it was perhaps something they were required to ask? Would anyone here know?

If it were required I would think they would have put the answer on your chart, so only 1 person would have had to ask.

[TootsNYC]

But not one person failed to ask that question, and I was wondering if it was perhaps something they were required to ask? Would anyone here know?

If it were required I would think they would have put the answer on your chart, so only 1 person would have had to ask.

I know that health-care providers are either required or strongly encouraged to ask questions about whether their patients are being abused, and also to steer them to mental-health assistance if there's any sense that they need it. And they're supposed to ask it each time, because of course an answer in June is not necessarily accurate in July. (and if the answer should have been "yes" in June but the woman didn't want to reveal it, the repeated question might cause her to re-evaluate and to answer "yes" later).

But "who's caring for your baby during a single hospital stay" ought to something that would hold for a longer period of time. And I'd think they'd ask it at intake.

[Sharnita]

My guess is that they ask (and keep asking) so that a person who says "my mom/husband/neighbor is right now but I don't know what we will do after tomorrow" can be referred to the social worker or sombody along those lines for help.  They keep checking to make sure you are still covered - and if yourun out of coverage then they will find somebody who can help you.

[TootsNYC]

Possible, but I think I'd ask differently: "Have you been able to arrange steady child care?"

And I'd also think the smart thing to do would be to say, "If you're having difficulty getting child care, you be sure to let us know. Sometimes our social-work team can help solve those problems."

If you are trying to find out if I need help, maybe tell me that help could be available, that it exists?

[Sharnita]

I think that sometimes they find they get more information or that peope are less defensive if they ask in an indirect way.  For example, one way they approach the abuse question is to ask if the person feels safe in their home rather than to straight out ask if anyone has abused them.

[Xandraea]

Once, while out with my mother, a member of our church asked me where my baby was and who had I left her with. Before I could answer, Mom said, "Melissa left her with the wolves that live in the woods behind her home. They are such a lovey pack!" and smiled the sweetest smile at the woman. The poor lady didn't know what to say and walked off!

I'm not through this entire thread yet but this,    ^^ THIS ^^    is priceless