Author Topic: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!  (Read 4187 times)

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SamiHami

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You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« on: April 27, 2013, 09:46:54 AM »
I posted recently that I had lost a friend, Danny, to diabetes complications on 4/15. His memorial was a few days later and, as it always does, life is moving on although I still miss my friend and will be grieving the loss for some time.

My DH went out for a little while to hang out with some of our friends. He tells me that one of them, "Don," was complaining incessantly that an item of Danny's was given to another person within our group of friends. In Don's mind that was grossly unfair because he (Don) had been closer friends with Danny. He wanted the item and evidently carried on at length about how unworthy the other guy was.

I am 99% sure that I'll be seeing Don tonight and I really, really do not want to hear about what he thinks he "deserves." First of all, if it made Danny's mom & fiance happy to give the item to the other guy, then that's all that matters. Don has no claim on anything. Secondly, since Danny started getting really sick a couple of years ago, most of his friends-Don included-suddenly became too busy to spend any time with him. Don can talk about how he was a better friend to Danny, but I know that Danny's fiance and I were the only ones driving him to appointments, taking him to the grocery store and keeping him company during the rough times. I even told Don and the others in the group that Danny was lonely and would love a phone call or visit. Not a single one of them ever got in touch with him. So, I really have no sympathy for the "I was a better friend therefore I deserve his cool stuff more than the other guy" argument. Quite frankly I'm pretty disgusted by him and a few others who essentially abandoned Danny during his final months, yet acted all broken up when he died. However, I have refrained from saying anything.

The issue is that I will almost certainly be seeing Don tonight and I am not quite sure how to handle it if (when) he starts whining about how he wanted the really cool item. What I'd like to to is smack him across the face and tell him to shut the ehell up, but I know I cannot do that. Any ehell approved ways that you can think of that will accomplish my objective of (a) shutting him up and (b) making him realize what an entitled bacon-fed knave he is being? Would it be okay to say, "Look, Don, it's not about you. It made Danny's mom & fiance happy to give the item to other guy and that's all that matters. If you want one so badly, go buy one for yourself."

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

Kaypeep

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2013, 09:54:38 AM »
I'd be blunt and simply say "The decision was made.  It wasn't your decision.  Either get over it, or drop this topic because the reality is that Danny is gone and we can't change the past and you constantly harping on this is really unpleasant and just reminding me more and more that our friend is gone while you sit here whining over a petty (object.)"

Or the shorter version:  "Build a bridge and get over it."

MorgnsGrl

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2013, 09:59:13 AM »
I'd be blunt and simply say "The decision was made.  It wasn't your decision.  Either get over it, or drop this topic because the reality is that Danny is gone and we can't change the past and you constantly harping on this is really unpleasant and just reminding me more and more that our friend is gone while you sit here whining over a petty (object.)"

Or the shorter version:  "Build a bridge and get over it."

I think the longer version here is fine.

One Fish, Two Fish

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2013, 10:01:57 AM »
"Nobody needs or wants to hear this now."
I'll get there.  Eventually.

Hmmmmm

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2013, 10:07:46 AM »
I guess "Danny's gone and your whining about not getting his stuff." is too harsh?

If so, then I'd go with "Danny's mom made the decisions she's comfortable with." And then bean dip.

Donovan

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2013, 10:09:04 AM »
'Now is not the time to have this discussion', and then beandip or walk away.

Of course you know never will be the time to have the discussion, but hopefully the next time you see him it will be water under the bridge (that he needs to build and get over it).

SamiHami

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2013, 10:10:44 AM »
I guess "Danny's gone and your whining about not getting his stuff." is too harsh?
If so, then I'd go with "Danny's mom made the decisions she's comfortable with." And then bean dip.

I don't know...is that too harsh? Because I think that sums it up very nicely.

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

*inviteseller

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2013, 10:33:10 AM »
Why do people feel they are entitled to stuff when a person dies???  SamiHami, I feel for you as my DD just lost 2 people important to her exactly one month apart and along with the hurt of these sudden losses were watching the vultures, who weren't there when the person was alive, come swarming in calling dibs on items.  I would tell this 'friend' that it is not up for discussion and that his desire for a thing seems to be more important than remembering a dear friend and that makes him just look like a vulture.  Of course, in your head, you can yell "shut up you low class moron!"

Roe

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2013, 10:36:43 AM »
I guess "Danny's gone and your whining about not getting his stuff." is too harsh?
If so, then I'd go with "Danny's mom made the decisions she's comfortable with." And then bean dip.

I don't know...is that too harsh? Because I think that sums it up very nicely.

I vote for not harsh at all.  If the shoe fits...

Also, since these "friends" were not around for him during his last months, I'd be careful to call them true friends. 

rain

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2013, 12:37:34 PM »
I guess "Danny's gone and your whining about not getting his stuff." is too harsh?
If so, then I'd go with "Danny's mom made the decisions she's comfortable with." And then bean dip.

I don't know...is that too harsh? Because I think that sums it up very nicely.


no - I don't think its too harsh -  :-[ :(  and guys sometimes need to be hit with a clue by four, and it sounds like he needs it
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Tea Drinker

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2013, 12:50:11 PM »
I might say "if Danny had wanted you to have it, he would have given it to you when he was alive. Since he didn't, his mother made the decisions she's comfortable with." That leaves unstated "he might have given it to you if he'd seen you in those last months," but I doubt even this boor would bring up that he had been "too busy" to see Danny at the time.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

JoieGirl7

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2013, 01:03:16 PM »
Sorry about your friend.

People who are grieving often react badly.  It hasn't even been two weeks since he died.  I would respond to any talk of "items" with "I miss him too, he was a good friend."

It's not usually greed so much as a reaction to dealing with death that makes people go nuts after someone dies.  Probably anything that the person has are things that anyone could easily purchase.  Somehow, in owning a part of that person who has gone, we are somehow insulated from it happening to ourselves--I'm not really sure what the psychological mechanism is but its not purely based on greed.

Now, the other people who did not know the deceased and who want their stuff is another story.

I would cut your friend some slack and just bean dip.

AmethystAnne

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2013, 02:29:42 PM »
I might say "if Danny had wanted you to have it, he would have given it to you when he was alive. Since he didn't, his mother made the decisions she's comfortable with."

That leaves unstated "he might have given it to you if he'd seen you in those last months,"

but I doubt even this boor would bring up that he had been "too busy" to see Danny at the time.

I like the 1st part.

If the WhinyGuy brings it up again, I would say the 1st part and the 2nd part.

If he brings it up again any more at all, I would just say the 2nd part, and keep repeating it each time The guy whines about it. (while mentally thinking of administering "the Gibbs smack"  >:D )

SamiHami

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2013, 02:50:19 PM »
I do love the Gibbs smack...

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

TootsNYC

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Re: You aren't entitled to my deceased friend's stuff!
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2013, 03:30:43 PM »
I would respond to any talk of "items" with "I miss him too, he was a good friend."



I normally try to think well of people, but I find covetousness to be an incredibly powerful thing, so I'm not sure I buy AudreyQuest's idea that all of his reaction is grief.

But I love this response simply because it doesn't matter what his reasons are--grief or covetousness.

It ignores any bad behavior and immediately focuses the conversation on the fact that this man *died*. And it will make his "I should have gotten the iPad!" look incredibly petty and small and greedy and covetous. All without casting you as a scold. Which is the best possible revenge.