Author Topic: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?  (Read 4021 times)

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Pumpkin Spice

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Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« on: April 27, 2013, 06:35:57 PM »
Please disregard if this isn't allowed but I searched the forum rules and didn't see anything against it.  This question is actually for a friend of mine and this is her wording. 


My boyfriend and I have known each other for just over a year now, and we have been in a relationship for almost 6 months. Since I have known him, I have become good friends with his close circle of friends. Lately I have been feeling confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. I really think that it's probably just my own insecurities, and that I shouldn't be worried about anything. My boyfriend is at the end of his junior year of college, and has been very busy and stressed with all his end of the year deadlines for school. As a result, I don't get to spend much quality time with him. He does seem to make an attempt to see me when he can, but it's usually just for a quick lunch or something. His level of affection with me seems to be hit and miss. Sometimes when we are together he is very affectionate--holding my hand and giving me kisses, while other times it almost seems as though we are just friends. I am reluctant to talk to him about how I feel right now, because I don't want to add any more stress to him while he has so much going on with school. So here's my question: Since I am close to some of his closest friends, would it be appropriate/acceptable to talk to one of them to find out their opinion on the situation? I guess I'm just really curious to know if he speaks fondly of me when I'm not around, or if he has said anything to any of them about having doubts about our relationship. Or would it be better and more honest of me to just be patient and wait to see if things improve over the summer, and maybe talk to him during a time when I know he's not so stressed?



Thank you for any help you can provide.  We both appreciate it very much.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2013, 06:39:06 PM by Pumpkin Spice »

NyaChan

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2013, 06:42:32 PM »
Well this is just my personal opinion, but I don't think your friend should speak to her boyfriend's friends about this.  If they are his friends, odds are they will go straight to the boyfriend with her questions anyways, and if I were them, I wouldn't answer the questions anyways.  Even if I did answer, I'm going to answer with my friend's best interests in mind, not that friend's girlfriend. 

If she is having a relationship problem or a concern, she should speak to her boyfriend about it - communication is part and parcel with being in a relationship.

something.new.every.day

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2013, 06:46:40 PM »
Don't ask the friends.  1. This puts them in a tight spot.  If bf has confided in them, they should not betray that confidence by telling his gf anything.  2. They may very well tell their friend that his gf is going around asking them about their relationship

If this is a serious relationship, she should be able to talk to him.  She shouldn't worry about stressing him out if she approaches it calmly, "Hey bf, I know you have a lot going on. I just want to let you know I hope we can enjoy more time together this summer once you're done with finals (or whatever)."  Then listen to what he has to say (and see if his actions line up with what he's saying). 

ETA: And there is nothing wrong with your friend deciding that this doesn't work for her.  She doesn't have to just wait and see what he does.  She can break things off with him and start seeing other people in the hopes of finding someone who is more affectionate/puts more time into a relationship.  It's OK to do that, and sometimes I think people get stuck thinking that you need some big reason to break up (cheating, lying) when you really don't.   
« Last Edit: April 27, 2013, 06:50:28 PM by something.new.every.day »

WillyNilly

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2013, 07:16:17 PM »
I don't think she shoudl ask his friends.

She might want to wait a week or so until his stress subsides, but either way she should talk with him directly. This is a relationship issue between the two of them and if their relationship is ever going to work, its only going to through the two of them. Communication is a huge component to a successful and healthy relationship. If she isn't comfortable communicating with her own boyfriend then what is the point of even continuing the relationship?

sammycat

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2013, 07:33:06 PM »
Well this is just my personal opinion, but I don't think your friend should speak to her boyfriend's friends about this.  If they are his friends, odds are they will go straight to the boyfriend with her questions anyways, and if I were them, I wouldn't answer the questions anyways.  Even if I did answer, I'm going to answer with my friend's best interests in mind, not that friend's girlfriend. 

If she is having a relationship problem or a concern, she should speak to her boyfriend about it - communication is part and parcel with being in a relationship.

I agree.

Deetee

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2013, 07:41:18 PM »
She shouldn't ask his friends for multiple reasons but the most important I'd this. Their relationship is not what he tells his friends he feels or even what he feels if given truth serum. Their relationship is how they interact and what they do on a day to day basis. And if he is stressed then this is how he behaves when he is stressed.

It is not as important how he feels as how he acts on those feelings and how she feels about those actions. If they make her happy great. If they don't, she can talk to him or ignore it or end the relationship. None of those or bad choices.

blarg314

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2013, 07:49:33 PM »
Definitely not!

Etiquette wise, I think asking your BF's friends about him/your relationship without his knowledge should be reserved for situations where you are generally worried about *him*. I'm thinking of something like a mental health issue that's cropped up, or you're worried that he's so stressed that something needs to give, and ask his best friend "I haven't seen BF this stressed - you've known him longer than I have, should I be worried?",  that sort of thing.

I know that if a SO of a friend of mine came up to quiz me about my friend's relationship status with them, I'd feel very uncomfortable. I definitely wouldn't answer questions like that, and I'd regard reporting on conversations we've had about her as a betrayal of the friendship.  Depending on what they were asking, and the closeness of my friendship, I might even feel obliged to tell my friend about it.

And thinking about it, if I found that my SO had been asking my friends about the status of our relationship, and had even asked them to tell him about conversations they had had about our relationship, instead of talking to me about it,  I'd consider that a serious invasion of boundaries, and would probably break up with them immediately.


Tea Drinker

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2013, 08:11:51 PM »
POD blarg31: if it's "You've known BF longer than I have, does he get like this from stress every semester?" or "you know him better than I do, do you know whether he wants to be left alone when he's under this much stress?" would be reasonable, though they might not get you anywhere useful. Asking BF's friends for information about how he feels about the relationship strikes me as both rude and a bad idea in terms of the relationship. In a similar situation, I wouldn't be delighted to hear "your girlfriend asked me how you feel about her right now, whether you're just stressed or if you're unhappy with her" if my girlfriend hadn't tried to contact me directly and ask that. (It seems unlikely that A would be unable to reach her boyfriend, but able to reach his friends, who were talking to him.)
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reflection5

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2013, 10:06:33 PM »
Agree with everyone else - very bad idea to talk to his friends. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2013, 10:26:21 PM »
You might remind her that talking to the boyfriend's friends didn't even work when you all were in high school!  Why on earth would she think it would go over any better now?  (Unless of course she actually still is in high school!   :-\  )

reflection5

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2013, 10:32:38 PM »
^5 gramma dishes!   ;)
That's exactly what I was thinking (but then someone would have stormed in and accused me of calling OP's friend childish or some such thing.)

So, better from you than me.

cicero

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2013, 11:23:09 PM »
Absolutely not. She should give him a couple oif weeks to get past end-of-semester stress, and see what happens. Is your friend also in college? Because for most college students end of semester time, with exams, deadlines, papers etc, is a very stressful time and you really * don't* never have time or patience for anything else.

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Iris

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2013, 11:41:22 PM »
Don't ask the friends.  1. This puts them in a tight spot.  If bf has confided in them, they should not betray that confidence by telling his gf anything.  2. They may very well tell their friend that his gf is going around asking them about their relationship

If this is a serious relationship, she should be able to talk to him.  She shouldn't worry about stressing him out if she approaches it calmly, "Hey bf, I know you have a lot going on. I just want to let you know I hope we can enjoy more time together this summer once you're done with finals (or whatever)."  Then listen to what he has to say (and see if his actions line up with what he's saying). 

ETA: And there is nothing wrong with your friend deciding that this doesn't work for her.  She doesn't have to just wait and see what he does.  She can break things off with him and start seeing other people in the hopes of finding someone who is more affectionate/puts more time into a relationship.  It's OK to do that, and sometimes I think people get stuck thinking that you need some big reason to break up (cheating, lying) when you really don't.

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2013, 11:45:09 PM »
POD

Don't talk to his friends. She'll come across as needy and insecure.

And if she asks  "what does he say about me" she is asking his friends to break an implied confidence between friends.

Wait 2 weeks till after finals. If she still has feelings of insecurity, she can then talk to her BF.

Pumpkin Spice

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Re: Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2013, 12:10:34 AM »
Thank you.  Her and I both appreciate the candid responses.  She has come to recognize the error in her original logic and has entirely reconsidered speaking with the BF's friend about it. 

FTR- The reasons she was abstaining from speaking with him directly at this time were also from the standpoint of not wanting to stress him out further and because she didn't want to come off naggy or annoying.  She was also not going to say anything bad about him what-so-ever.  It was going to come off as a light curiosity not a heavy questioning.  But, alas even a light-hearted convo may have adverse effects and she cares about him deeply and would never want to hurt him or their relationship

She is a very considerate person in general so she takes these types of things very seriously but she's human and has her weak moments.  The important thing is she thinks things through before leaping.

Her plan is to see how things are going with him over the summer and if the need arises to have a sit-down talk, then she will. 

Thanks again!