General Etiquette > Dating

Is it acceptable to seek boyfriend advice from his friends?

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Pumpkin Spice:
Please disregard if this isn't allowed but I searched the forum rules and didn't see anything against it.  This question is actually for a friend of mine and this is her wording. 


My boyfriend and I have known each other for just over a year now, and we have been in a relationship for almost 6 months. Since I have known him, I have become good friends with his close circle of friends. Lately I have been feeling confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. I really think that it's probably just my own insecurities, and that I shouldn't be worried about anything. My boyfriend is at the end of his junior year of college, and has been very busy and stressed with all his end of the year deadlines for school. As a result, I don't get to spend much quality time with him. He does seem to make an attempt to see me when he can, but it's usually just for a quick lunch or something. His level of affection with me seems to be hit and miss. Sometimes when we are together he is very affectionate--holding my hand and giving me kisses, while other times it almost seems as though we are just friends. I am reluctant to talk to him about how I feel right now, because I don't want to add any more stress to him while he has so much going on with school. So here's my question: Since I am close to some of his closest friends, would it be appropriate/acceptable to talk to one of them to find out their opinion on the situation? I guess I'm just really curious to know if he speaks fondly of me when I'm not around, or if he has said anything to any of them about having doubts about our relationship. Or would it be better and more honest of me to just be patient and wait to see if things improve over the summer, and maybe talk to him during a time when I know he's not so stressed?



Thank you for any help you can provide.  We both appreciate it very much.

NyaChan:
Well this is just my personal opinion, but I don't think your friend should speak to her boyfriend's friends about this.  If they are his friends, odds are they will go straight to the boyfriend with her questions anyways, and if I were them, I wouldn't answer the questions anyways.  Even if I did answer, I'm going to answer with my friend's best interests in mind, not that friend's girlfriend. 

If she is having a relationship problem or a concern, she should speak to her boyfriend about it - communication is part and parcel with being in a relationship.

something.new.every.day:
Don't ask the friends.  1. This puts them in a tight spot.  If bf has confided in them, they should not betray that confidence by telling his gf anything.  2. They may very well tell their friend that his gf is going around asking them about their relationship. 

If this is a serious relationship, she should be able to talk to him.  She shouldn't worry about stressing him out if she approaches it calmly, "Hey bf, I know you have a lot going on. I just want to let you know I hope we can enjoy more time together this summer once you're done with finals (or whatever)."  Then listen to what he has to say (and see if his actions line up with what he's saying). 

ETA: And there is nothing wrong with your friend deciding that this doesn't work for her.  She doesn't have to just wait and see what he does.  She can break things off with him and start seeing other people in the hopes of finding someone who is more affectionate/puts more time into a relationship.  It's OK to do that, and sometimes I think people get stuck thinking that you need some big reason to break up (cheating, lying) when you really don't.   

WillyNilly:
I don't think she shoudl ask his friends.

She might want to wait a week or so until his stress subsides, but either way she should talk with him directly. This is a relationship issue between the two of them and if their relationship is ever going to work, its only going to through the two of them. Communication is a huge component to a successful and healthy relationship. If she isn't comfortable communicating with her own boyfriend then what is the point of even continuing the relationship?

sammycat:

--- Quote from: NyaChan on April 27, 2013, 06:42:32 PM ---Well this is just my personal opinion, but I don't think your friend should speak to her boyfriend's friends about this.  If they are his friends, odds are they will go straight to the boyfriend with her questions anyways, and if I were them, I wouldn't answer the questions anyways.  Even if I did answer, I'm going to answer with my friend's best interests in mind, not that friend's girlfriend. 

If she is having a relationship problem or a concern, she should speak to her boyfriend about it - communication is part and parcel with being in a relationship.

--- End quote ---

I agree.

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