Author Topic: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party  (Read 3996 times)

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Kendo_Bunny

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Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« on: April 27, 2013, 07:25:38 PM »
So, my dear friend Cat is getting married this winter, and has made it clear she would love a surprise party. We bridesmaids have planned a lovely surprise bachelorette, but that's not until December. I know from experience that surprise bridal showers in next to impossible, so I have enlisted the aid of her husband-to-be and decided to throw her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in June.

Everything is going well except one thing. There is one girl in our "old group" that I'm not sure on an invite for. "Lynn" was a delightful young lady in high school, but since graduation from college, she has become increasingly bothersome to be around. She's turned into basically a parody feminist, saying things like men can't be victims of sexism, or behaving in sexually predatory manners towards men because "men always want it" (even after the man in question made it very, very clear he didn't want it). She also does not filter herself, talking loudly about sexual matters in public settings, even though her companions usually find this highly embarrassing. I do not like her anymore, and she is clear about the fact that she doesn't really like me ("close-mind brainwashed tool of the patriarchy" was her exact phrasing). I know Cat finds her at least somewhat annoying, as Lynn chose to have one of her loud discussions about gynecology in a restaurant where the group had gone after seeing a movie.

The big problem is, how can I possibly find out what her opinion is without tipping her off? Or, if I invite Lynn to keep the peace (three people from our old group still like her, and have suggested I invite her), and I find out that Cat wouldn't really have wanted her there? Or if I don't invite Lynn? I plan on keeping the guest list to people close to Cat, who she would really, really want to have at her first surprise party. So, E-hell, how does one handle this sort of thing, being sneaky, of course?

Sharnita

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2013, 07:30:02 PM »
Could you ask if she is planning on inviting her to the wedding at all, mentioning that you remember Cat's discomfort at the restaurant? If it is an enthusiastic yes, then add her.  If it is a no or something like "I feel like I have to: then I'd leave her off. 

Seiryuu

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2013, 08:00:55 PM »
As someone who will most likely never experience bridal showers, I'd probably send invites to only the selected few via some medium (email would probably be the best, due to the lack of complex privacy settings) and ask them to refrain from speaking of this to anyone out of the group to keep potential leaks plugged.

JenJay

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2013, 08:11:08 PM »
Could you ask if she is planning on inviting her to the wedding at all, mentioning that you remember Cat's discomfort at the restaurant? If it is an enthusiastic yes, then add her.  If it is a no or something like "I feel like I have to: then I'd leave her off.

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*inviteseller

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2013, 08:22:31 PM »
I agree with asking if she is going to invite her to the wedding and see what she says, but I personally would not invite someone who delights in public displays that embarrass everyone around them.   Especially because with a large group she will see it as her audience instead of a celebration for her friend.  People like Lynn feel the need to 'enlighten' those around them , and then get worse when they think people are angry about her platform, when it is really anger at the delivery of her knowledge.  Weigh the option of offending one person as opposed to offending and possibly ruining the who party.

NyaChan

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2013, 08:43:01 PM »
I think it would be fine if you just don't invite her if you would prefer not to - it is one birthday party and even if Cat is still friends with her, it doesn't sound like they are so close that Lynn's presence would make or break Cat's night.

Iris

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2013, 08:48:41 PM »
I wouldn't invite her, she sounds very annoying and rude.
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GSNW

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2013, 09:50:01 PM »
If you are hosting a surprise bday party for your friend, I don't think it's out of line for you to exclude someone who has made many people uncomfortable in the past.  If those other friends like her so much, they can always host parties to which she is invited... and while I agree that the party is about the GoH, a guest with this much potential for trouble is a safe nix.

I also agree that asking if she's invited to the wedding is a good gauge.

Kendo_Bunny

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2013, 10:06:18 PM »
I asked Cat about it, framing it as a party she already knew I was planning for an out-of-town guest who is coming later in the summer (really out of town, since I live 100 miles away from my old hometown, where many of my old friends still live). I brought up the fact that Lynn used to be my friend, and I am not openly hostile to her, and some of the people who will be invited are very close to Lynn.

Cat's exact words: "Lynn bothers you more than me, I can deal with her in small doses, but I know she really rubs you the wrong way."

Doesn't really sound like someone she'd be over-the-moon about having at her birthday party. Plus, Cat's roommate, Becky, also really does not like Lynn (Lynn posted something inflammatory on Facebook, Becky disagreed, Lynn dogpiled her with her college friends, then defriended Becky). They have no open hostilities... but, yeah. However, Lynn's best friend, Angel, is invited, and she already told Lynn about it. Lynn wants to come. I don't think Angel realizes how hurtful it is when Lynn calls everyone who disagrees with her stupid and brainwashed, and how most of the group considers her a "small doses" person, just because Lynn never calls her stupid and brainwashed. Angel knows that Lynn can be hostile about her politics, but she says that we can all be mature adults and that Lynn won't go out of her way to start a debate. But... it still seems like more hassle than it's worth. I don't usually talk politics at parties (since I'm pretty radical), but it doesn't seem fair that Becky and I will have to chew our tongues all evening if Lynn drinks.

I already know I'm not going to invite her to the party for my out-of-town guest, because based on some of her previous behavior, there seems a high chance that she will sexually harass him, which she seems to do a lot to attractive young men when she's been drinking. I do not want to subject him to that.

Shoo

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2013, 11:27:28 PM »
The way I look it it is this:  you're the party host.  YOU get to issue the invitations.  I don't think you should have to host someone you don't like, regardless of that person's relationship to the GOH.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2013, 11:49:42 PM »
The way I look it it is this:  you're the party host.  YOU get to issue the invitations.  I don't think you should have to host someone you don't like, regardless of that person's relationship to the GOH.

This. Only exception for me is a GOHs spouse.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2013, 02:52:39 AM »
The way I look it it is this:  you're the party host.  YOU get to issue the invitations.  I don't think you should have to host someone you don't like, regardless of that person's relationship to the GOH.

This. Only exception for me is a GOHs spouse.

I'm not sure I agree with this. If it's someone the GOH really likes and would want at her party, I think it would be rude for the Host to deliberately not invite them. (Note - I'm not talking about toxic or disruptive people here - just ones that the Host doesn't happen to like, for whatever reason).

However, in this case, it sounds like Cat is ambivalent about Lynn's attendance, so I think the OP would be ok to not invite her.

Bijou

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2013, 11:50:52 AM »
Will it bother Cat or will there be fall out for Cat if Lynn isn't invited?  If yes, then I would include her.  If not, then I would do what makes me happy. 
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jpcher

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2013, 12:39:06 PM »
The way I look it it is this:  you're the party host.  YOU get to issue the invitations.  I don't think you should have to host someone you don't like, regardless of that person's relationship to the GOH.

This is my take.

You're hosting the party. You should receive just as much enjoyment out of the party as you give to all of your guests. If you can't find it in you to be pleasant and gracious to Lynn, you shouldn't invite her.

I'm certainly not saying that you would treat Lynn any differently than your other guests, it's just that it sounds like Lynn's presence would put a damper on your enjoyment.

PeterM

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Re: Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2013, 02:21:35 PM »
So, my dear friend Cat is getting married this winter, and has made it clear she would love a surprise party. We bridesmaids have planned a lovely surprise bachelorette, but that's not until December. I know from experience that surprise bridal showers in next to impossible, so I have enlisted the aid of her husband-to-be and decided to throw her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in June.

Does her DH-to-be have an opinion on Lynn? I'm not sure how much weight it should be given for her party that you're planning/hosting, but he might be able to give you some insight into how Cat would feel either way.

Me, I say don't invite Lynn. If you don't, though, are Lynn or any of her friends liable to make a scene about it? Even if they don't take any animosity public, are you okay with being "the girl who didn't invite Lynn that time?"