General Etiquette > Life...in general

Deciding on a guest list for a surprise party

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Kendo_Bunny:
So, my dear friend Cat is getting married this winter, and has made it clear she would love a surprise party. We bridesmaids have planned a lovely surprise bachelorette, but that's not until December. I know from experience that surprise bridal showers in next to impossible, so I have enlisted the aid of her husband-to-be and decided to throw her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in June.

Everything is going well except one thing. There is one girl in our "old group" that I'm not sure on an invite for. "Lynn" was a delightful young lady in high school, but since graduation from college, she has become increasingly bothersome to be around. She's turned into basically a parody feminist, saying things like men can't be victims of sexism, or behaving in sexually predatory manners towards men because "men always want it" (even after the man in question made it very, very clear he didn't want it). She also does not filter herself, talking loudly about sexual matters in public settings, even though her companions usually find this highly embarrassing. I do not like her anymore, and she is clear about the fact that she doesn't really like me ("close-mind brainwashed tool of the patriarchy" was her exact phrasing). I know Cat finds her at least somewhat annoying, as Lynn chose to have one of her loud discussions about gynecology in a restaurant where the group had gone after seeing a movie.

The big problem is, how can I possibly find out what her opinion is without tipping her off? Or, if I invite Lynn to keep the peace (three people from our old group still like her, and have suggested I invite her), and I find out that Cat wouldn't really have wanted her there? Or if I don't invite Lynn? I plan on keeping the guest list to people close to Cat, who she would really, really want to have at her first surprise party. So, E-hell, how does one handle this sort of thing, being sneaky, of course?

Sharnita:
Could you ask if she is planning on inviting her to the wedding at all, mentioning that you remember Cat's discomfort at the restaurant? If it is an enthusiastic yes, then add her.  If it is a no or something like "I feel like I have to: then I'd leave her off. 

Seiryuu:
As someone who will most likely never experience bridal showers, I'd probably send invites to only the selected few via some medium (email would probably be the best, due to the lack of complex privacy settings) and ask them to refrain from speaking of this to anyone out of the group to keep potential leaks plugged.

JenJay:

--- Quote from: Sharnita on April 27, 2013, 07:30:02 PM ---Could you ask if she is planning on inviting her to the wedding at all, mentioning that you remember Cat's discomfort at the restaurant? If it is an enthusiastic yes, then add her.  If it is a no or something like "I feel like I have to: then I'd leave her off.

--- End quote ---

Yep!

*inviteseller:
I agree with asking if she is going to invite her to the wedding and see what she says, but I personally would not invite someone who delights in public displays that embarrass everyone around them.   Especially because with a large group she will see it as her audience instead of a celebration for her friend.  People like Lynn feel the need to 'enlighten' those around them , and then get worse when they think people are angry about her platform, when it is really anger at the delivery of her knowledge.  Weigh the option of offending one person as opposed to offending and possibly ruining the who party.

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