General Etiquette > Family and Children

Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122

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MummyPumpkin83:
I've posted this here cause its about my sister, but feel free to move if inappropriate

BG:
I am the eldest of 3 girls I have been married for 7 years and my middle sister has been married 5 years. My youngest sister is set to get married later this year. I had my 2 sisters as bridesmaids, they were 20 and 15 at the time. My middle sister had us 2 plus 3 friends, and my youngest sister is doing the same (ie 5 bridesmaids, 5 groomsmen).

I have 3 young boys and my husband and I have one car.

Issue:
My sister is turning into a small bridezilla - I think.

1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?

2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?

3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night? 1. Pole Dancing, 2. dinner out, 3. go to the city and dance the night away at clubs. She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. I can tell you now that my middle sister and I (both with young children) will not be dancing the night away at clubs, nor would i be comfortable with pole dancing (my incredibly conservative sister wouldn't be either). Is it rude for 2 bridesmaids - who are also the brides sisters to miss 2/3 Hen's night activities?

4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. - How do I tell her that speculation about what her future in-laws should or could do with their money is rude, and may also make her resentful if she continues to feel entitled to benefit from their "wealth"?

thanks in advance for your words of wisdom!

NyaChan:
To be honest, I'm not really seeing bridezilla here.

1) Not my cup of tea to be sure.  I take it this is supposed to be in lieu of a bridal shower?  I think you could gently mention to her that this sort of party can put pressure on guests to buy things they don't really want and maybe put it in terms of you worrying that the focus on selling might take attention from the whole celebration of her/wedding part.  A sales party in general is not per se rude though, if properly disclosed and handled.

2)  I think this is a reasonable and typical request.  Definitely not unusual to ask bridesmaids to come get ready with the bride and travel with her to the church.

3)  Your sister already said that people needn't come to everything, so take her at her word.  Tell her that pole dancing and staying out late won't work for you, but you are very excited to attend the dinner.

4)  This is not good behavior on her part, but I don't think it is really your place to tell an adult that they are rude.  Still, it is your little sister, so in my family at least that would give you a great deal more leeway.  If you are worried that this may reflect badly on her, you could try pointing out to her that typically it is better not to discuss finances with others, especially when it is not one's own finances. 

Sharnita:
1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.

ccnumber4:
 
--- Quote from: MummyPumpkin83 on April 27, 2013, 10:28:52 PM ---
1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?
 

--- End quote ---

What is a "kitchen tea"?  Is that the same as a bridal shower?  If so, yes, that is usually how these things work, the guests purchase items for the bride.  I don't particularly care for it, either, but unless you are in charge of it, I don't think your opinion matters.  If you are hosting, I think you can tell her you don't feel comfortable with it, but I think you should find some other word than "tacky."

2.  If the church is 15 minutes from your house, why can't you go get ready at your sisters place and then make sure you give yourself time to go home and pick up your husband and sons?  This is your sister's wedding and you are a bridesmaid.  Did she do those things for you or your other sister?  Sometimes you do things that aren't convenient for you, because, well, it's not always about you.  If cost isn't an issue (and you say it is not, as long as it doesn't inconvenience you), then I think you should plan to be there with the rest of the bridal party. 

3. Is your sister the one who wants the 3 separate parts to the night?  If so, take her at her word, and go to the part that you are comfortable with.  I'd think accepting the honor of being a bridesmaid sort of implies that you know there will be a bachelorette party / hen's night that might require you to spend a few hours away from your children.  Again, did your sister go to these events for you and the other already-married sister? 

4. Totally none of your business.  Ignore her.  She'll figure it out and I doubt she wants your advice. 

The overall tone I get from your post is that your sister's wedding is a burden on you.  My advice is to remember she is your sister, and this is her wedding.  Unless she was a total bat at your wedding, I don't see why these are "small bridezilla" issues to you. 







Zizi-K:
I agree with everyone else on items 1, 3 and 4. I don't think her request (#2) is unreasonable, but I also don't think it is unreasonable for you to decline. Not only are the transportation logistics difficult, but I also think it would be difficult for your husband to wrangle all three children alone to get them to the wedding.Sit down with her with some hair magazines (or the internet!) in advance to pick out a hair style and makeup style so that you will coordinate with the other girls. If she really puts up a fuss (or you decide you want to be in the pre-wedding photos, etc), you might just consider renting a car for the day so that no one has to drop you off or make 2 hour round trips.

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