Author Topic: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122  (Read 27745 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

katycoo

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3803
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #30 on: April 28, 2013, 07:35:36 PM »
...My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding...

I don't understand this?  He won't be away from her getting ready if he's picking you up so you can be there while your sister gets ready... because he'd be back with you in time for her getting ready - I mean isn't that the point? Now if he objects to the drive that's one thing, and reasonable, but if this is your reason for not wanting this solution, then it really doesn't make sense.

Also - not many Dad's are hanging around while their daughter and her Bms are getting dress/Hair and makeup etc.  Its not really a man's scene.
Why can't you just go there the night before and stay over?  Take the pressure off that morning rush.  I think its nice to be with the bride.  Your DH can stay with the kids and bring them to the wedding the next day.

The Tupperware party, I just don't think its a big deal.  I've been to one as a Kitchen Tea.  Some people purchased for the bride, some for themselves, some not at all.  I didn't feel pressured at all.

I would try to go to 2/3 ofthe hen's party, even if you just watch and not participate.  Maybe go for a few cocktails after dinner but leave at a reasonable time?


CluelessBride

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1647
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #31 on: April 28, 2013, 07:55:20 PM »
[quote author=MummyPumpkin83 link=topic=127173.msg2933568#msg2933568 date=1367116132
1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?
[/quote]
Honestly, all showers are inherently gift grabby, that's why they aren't supposed to be self-hosted.  Since presumably you and the other bridesmaids are hosting, I think you need to talk to the other bridesmaids about what they want/think. Take your sister's preference (the sales party) into account as you decide what you all want to do. 

Quote
2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?

She's not being unreasonable at all here. That of course doesn't mean that it's not inconvenient for you. But it also doesn't seem that inconvenient to me. I spent several hundred dollars to fly across country for my sister's wedding in addition to paying for dress, hair, makeup etc  (as a grad student - so money was tight). I've known people with kids who have hired weekend sitters to be able to attend childfree weddings. So needing to find alternative transportation for an hour drive just doesn't seem that bad. Because that's what you do when you love someone - you sacrifice to share in their special once in a life time event. You are of course within your right to choose not to sacrifice for her, but she is within her right to see that as a change in your relationship. A car rental is generally less than $50 per day (many areas less than $20). Maybe you could rent one for the weekend so that your husband could have the car to take the kids to the church.

Quote
3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night? 1. Pole Dancing, 2. dinner out, 3. go to the city and dance the night away at clubs. She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. I can tell you now that my middle sister and I (both with young children) will not be dancing the night away at clubs, nor would i be comfortable with pole dancing (my incredibly conservative sister wouldn't be either). Is it rude for 2 bridesmaids - who are also the brides sisters to miss 2/3 Hen's night activities?
I'm not sure how this relates to being/not being a bridezilla?  I think it is fine to only attend part of the night's activities, as long as there is at least one bridesmaid at each part (from a coordination perspective). I do think that if you wanted you could go to part 3 for a short time and leave early instead of skipping it altogether, but that is sort of a preference thing.  I also figured its worth mentioning that a pole dancing class isn't necessarily "non-conservative". I've never been myself, but there are several gyms around here that offer them as aerobics classes (and do parties). People go in work out gear and it is apparently a lot of fun and not really about sex - I've heard them described as more about being silly than being sexy.  Not that that means you need  to go (I really do think you are completely fine skipping). But since its a level of comfort issue, I thought it was worth mentioning that it might not be exactly what you are expecting (and of course, maybe that is what you were expecting and you aren't comfortable - which is fine).

Quote


4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. - How do I tell her that speculation about what her future in-laws should or could do with their money is rude, and may also make her resentful if she continues to feel entitled to benefit from their "wealth"?

thanks in advance for your words of wisdom!

I think you could choose to say nothing here if you wanted. But if you are close, it might be worth asking (yourself and/or her) why she is talking about this. Is she normally very selfish and entitled? If so one conversation isn't going to change that now. Is talking about wealth like this really out of character for her? If so is it possible she is feeling a bit apprehensive about marrying into a family that seems to be very well off?  Or perhaps they talk about money often? Or maybe she is worried about finances and moving out and isn't expressing herself clearly.



Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21528
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #32 on: April 28, 2013, 08:28:57 PM »
I think the problem with the Tupperwear Party is that it is a business propostiion and you just don't combine business interests and showers. 

As far as the bachelorette party, I don't think thereis any obligation for anybody to be at any portion of the party.  If nobody is available for the late night  portion then maybe there just shouldn't be a late night portion.  If nobody else is interested in pole dancing then maybe pole dancing isn't the best idea.

Spending $50 to rent a car on top of $150 for hair and makeup, not to mention the cost of a dress, the Bachelorette Party, the shower, probably a wedding gift? That does not strike me as a reasonable expectation or solution.  Having Dad pick up OP is better but the costs for hair and makeup still seems a bit OTT.

nuit93

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1163
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #33 on: April 28, 2013, 10:05:47 PM »
I don't see why you can't stay the night with your sister the day before so you can be there to do hair/makeup and leave the car with your DH?

Bluenomi

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 3580
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #34 on: April 29, 2013, 12:00:36 AM »
1. Tupperware parties are really common for kitchen teas, I had one in fact. Nobody bought me any tupperware or in fact any gifts and the only perk was because I was considered the 'host' I got the good deal which is why it was arranged for me. Can't see anything wrong with this one.

2. Part of being a bridesmaid is being there to help the bride get ready. I think you just need to deal with this one. It's possible, I had occasions where I've been transport for a friend who was a BM and needed her breast feeding baby dropped of and picked up a few times during the day and we made it work.

3. Sounds like a pretty standard hens night. If you don't want to go, don't go. Or see if you can changes the plans remembering it isn't your hen's night so the bride's preference takes precedent.



MummyPumpkin83

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 238
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #35 on: April 29, 2013, 12:21:27 AM »
Were we live in Australia I'd be looking at any where from $50 for one day to upwards of $100 for the whole weekend to rent a car. This is on top of the $150 for hair and makeup, $120ish for dress. Plus whatever I end up spending on kitchen tea hosting/gift and hen's night.

Taking my own car to my sisters house and leaving DH at home with the boys for someone to collect leaves the problem of having the car at my sisters/parents almost an hour away at the end of the night (since i'd be travelling in bridal party transport to the ceremony and reception).

I have 3 boys who would definitely be underfoot, and potentially messy while getting ready so not feasible to have them there.

My parents have a small 3 bedroom house. So having my whole family (me + DH + 3 boys) stay wouldn't work. I could potentially stay, however I have a co-sleeping still breastfeeding 19 month old who would have to come with me (though this could have changed by August).

Probably the best option would be for my dad to come get me the morning of the wedding.

My boys are invited to the Ceremony, but not reception so my MIL will be coming to watch the ceremony and take the boys afterwards.

Like I said before, I don't actually think she is a bridezilla, just that she has called herself that. She threatened to "go all bridezilla" on my other sister who had a problem with the style of bridesmaids dress.
I do think that some of her actions are rude / inconsiderate.
Mummy to 3 little Pumpkin boys!

bansidhe

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2073
    • The Menagerie
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #36 on: April 29, 2013, 02:31:28 AM »
In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

I'll keep you company in the minority. The transportation logistics make it pretty tough to pull off.

Also, I'm startled by the number of people who view getting ready together as part of a bridesmaids duties - or at least an expectation. I never encountered this expectation on the multiple occasions I was a bridesmaid and now wonder if it's a regional thing or if I just had weird friends. I always got ready on my own, then helped the bride with anything she needed.

Even if the "getting ready together" thing is a tradition in OP's family or region, I think allowances should be made if following that tradition presents an undue hardship. Weddings aren't always storybook affairs. Reality - such as three kids and one car - intrudes.
Esan ozenki!

Arizona

guihong

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6551
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #37 on: April 29, 2013, 06:55:42 AM »
In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

I'll keep you company in the minority. The transportation logistics make it pretty tough to pull off.

Also, I'm startled by the number of people who view getting ready together as part of a bridesmaids duties - or at least an expectation. I never encountered this expectation on the multiple occasions I was a bridesmaid and now wonder if it's a regional thing or if I just had weird friends. I always got ready on my own, then helped the bride with anything she needed.

Even if the "getting ready together" thing is a tradition in OP's family or region, I think allowances should be made if following that tradition presents an undue hardship. Weddings aren't always storybook affairs. Reality - such as three kids and one car - intrudes.

Come to think of it, I didn't get ready with my bridesmaids either.  Two of them had very new babies, one had two little children and one car like the OP, and the other lived with her parents and didn't have a car.  I was staying at my MIL's house.  I didn't think I missed anything at the time; didn't think of getting ready together, in fact.



lowspark

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4034
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #38 on: April 29, 2013, 08:53:20 AM »
Quote
My boys are invited to the Ceremony, but not reception so my MIL will be coming to watch the ceremony and take the boys afterwards.

Any chance your MIL can pick up your husband & boys? She's taking them afterwards, so I guess she's going to have deal with all the car seats anyway, right?

As far as leaving your car at your parents' house and riding with the bridal party, I would say to just go ahead and drive it to the wedding. This is one point that I'm thinking could easily reasonably be agreed to.

I agree with PPs who say that as far as getting ready together, that request is not unreasonable. The $150 is a lot of money, so if you really can't afford it, that's your out. But this is your sister's wedding. Surely a few inconveniences can be accomodated for her sake.

I really don't think you can compare these circumstances to your wedding. It's a lot easier to organize two younger sisters who live in the same house as you than two sisters who are grown and have their own lives. The reality is that the circumstances are completely different for her than they were for you.

Sometimes, we just have to suck it up and do things we're not thrilled with for the sake of the people we love.

Winterlight

  • On the internet, no one can tell you're a dog- arf.
  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 9886
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #39 on: April 29, 2013, 09:03:12 AM »
1. In my social circles, holding a tupperware party for a bridal shower would be considered odd and quite tacky.

In the minority, but I find the expectations in #2 unreasonable.  OP lives 15 min from the church and about an hour away from bride.  Three young children, one car.  Very unreasonable expectation of the bride.

Agreed, unless you can spend the night at the house with your family.

3. I'd agree to the part that you are comfortable with.

4. I'd just pretend I didn't hear it.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Kari

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 397
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #40 on: April 29, 2013, 10:13:41 AM »
I think the problem is that you and your sister are at two different points in your lives. You've settled down in the role of Mom and she's only just about to start married life. She's picked activities that are fun for her but unfortunately are incompatible with your idea of entertainment. It doesn't make her a bridezilla, or you a snowflake, but it just means you are in two different places in your lives. There's a sizeable age gap between my sisters and me, so I feel for you and your sister here. I think the nice thing to do would be to beg off the activities that are too wild for you and make an appearance at the ones that aren't. Otherwise, it can come off like you mean "I'm a serious mom now with my own family and can't be bothered to do the silly things you like to do" when you really just don't want to watch people pole-dance. (Can't blame you!)

As for getting ready together -- did you get ready with your sisters when you were a bride? Perhaps she wants that experience and the moment is significant for her. Could someone give you a lift to your parents' house to solve the car issue? And perhaps you could bring your own hair and makeup stuff to skip the $150 bill. I think a little discussion with your family can clear up if it's really important you be there or not.

Good luck! Hope everything gets sorted out!

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17372
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #41 on: April 29, 2013, 10:25:05 AM »
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

I have to agree with all of this. 

StuffedGrapeLeaves

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 872
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #42 on: April 29, 2013, 10:44:02 AM »
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

I have to agree with all of this.

Me, too. 

Lynn2000

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5360
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #43 on: April 29, 2013, 03:22:21 PM »
1. Tupperware party. Well, really, the shower hostess should decide on the parameters of the party, and if they don't want to host an official Tupperware party, they don't have to. I don't see how the bride would benefit from the party, cash-wise, because she shouldn't be hosting it, she should just be the guest of honor. Only the hostess and/or the saleswoman should be benefiting in terms of cash/points. Now, if you mean that the bride is the saleswoman, and she's looking to lure friends and relatives in to her sales party with the promise of it being her kitchen tea, I do think that's tacky; the two things should not be combined, IMO.

Anyway, whoever is hosting the party can nod at the bride's suggestion, but then do whatever they feel comfortable with (or bow out as hostess). Just like they would if the bride was insisting on a huge crowd with expensive food that the hostess couldn't afford, or an adult-themed shower that the hostess didn't feel comfortable with, or whatever. If the idea is that the bride wants a lot of Tupperware, I would just encourage her to register for a lot of it, and then host a regular shower/kitchen tea to which the guests bring gifts of their choosing.

In terms of what to tell her, that could be a bit tricky. I might go with, "I'd rather not combine a sales party with the kitchen tea for your wedding. How about we just have a regular kitchen tea, and then later on [after the wedding] if you want me to host a Tupperware party, I'll consider it. I just wouldn't want people to feel pressured to attend, or to buy extra things, which they might if they knew it was for your wedding." Really, whoever is hosting has the veto power over what goes on in their house/in their name.

2. Being with the bride the morning of the wedding to get ready. To me this seems a reasonable request. You also have reasonable objections to it. It sounds like there's plenty of time until the wedding, so I would sit down and try to work out a solution that allows you to spend some bonding time with your sister that morning, while also allowing your DH and sons to get to the church on time. I don't know what that solution might be, and I can imagine that it might not be 100% ideal for you. But, if your sister has expressed that this is important to her, I think it would be nice if you could try to work something out, for this one-time event.

3. Pole-dancing and clubbing would not be my cup of tea either, so I would just go to the dinner. She's said she's fine with that, so there it is. Just let her and the hostess know in advance in case there are reservations, taxis, etc. to be arranged. Your other sister can do the same, if she feels the same way.

4. In-laws' money. Irritating to listen to, certainly, but whether or not you should say something really depends on your relationship. Some sisters would just be like, "You sound like a gold-digging fool, knock it off." If your relationship requires more diplomacy and delicacy than that, I don't think I'd even bother; it's not really your problem. I'd probably just stop discussing the topic with her and bean-dip whenever she brought it up, hoping she would get the hint that I didn't care and didn't want to hear it.

If her comments were hurting the feelings of people we both cared about, though, I might say something. Like if your parents are paying for stuff, and she's going on about how her in-laws could pay for more and better, that would make me pretty mad. I would probably take her aside and say, "Listen, maybe you don't mean it this way, but when you say that stuff, it comes off like you're putting down Mom and Dad's generosity in paying for your wedding. You know they'd never say anything but I'm sure it's hurtful to them, and I wish you would stop."
~Lynn2000

bah12

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5231
Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #44 on: April 29, 2013, 04:27:46 PM »
Nothing that you described, to me, screams out bridezilla.  I agree that the tupperware party may be a bit tacky and frankly doesn't sound all that enjoyable, but I don't think the desire to have one makes her a bridezilla.  Who's hosting the party?  That is the person that sets the rules.  They should take into account what she wants, possibly share some concerns and alternate ideas with her, and then host the type of party that they can ultimately afford and are comfortable doing.

Like everyone else, I think that it's reasonable to want the bridesmaids to all be together and travel to the wedding together.  Every wedding that I have been in, to include my own, has worked out that way.  I understand that transportation may be difficult, and even that it may be difficult for your DH to handle 3 small children by himself on the wedding day even if transportation wasn't an issue, but I think you should try your best to make it work.  If your dad can pick you up (or better yet, I like the idea of having your DH drop you off the day before) then you should do that.  Your DH, I'm sure, can be trusted and is responsible enough to handle the kids for one night and get them to the wedding in one peice.  It may not be enjoyable for him, but hopefully he would be willing to do that for you and your sister.  And if ultimately this is something that just cannot be accommodated, then explain to your sister why you can't do it.  Her requesting your presence, though, is not bridezilla behavior. 

As for the hen's night, I actually think that it was kind of the organizers to break the evening out into three distinct parts so that people can come and go to the parts that they choose.  It's way better than feeling like you're stuck for all activities that you may not enjoy.  That being said, I think you should try to be there for as much of it as possible.  I'm assuming the pole dancing is more like a class and I think it could be fun (even for those that are ultra conservative).  Even if you don't participate in the actual dancing portion, it would be fun to watch the other girls (IMO).  And for the clubbing part...yeah, I'm with you about having the stamina/desire to dance all night, but you don't have to.  You can still go, have a drink with your sister and call it a night earlier than the rest of the party.  Yet, again, you're sister did communicate that you don't have to go to all of it, so if you only really are able to go to one of the three events, then do that. 

Finally, I agree with you that your sister shouldn't speculate about her in-laws financial situation...or at least not out loud.  But, again, that has nothing to do with her wedding really and doesn't make her a bridezilla.   I think more than her talking about it, it would be inappropriate for you to tell her not to.  However, I do think that when she's talking to you about it, you can say things like "I'm really not comfortable talking about the financial situation of other adults, regardless of how much or little they have, can you pass some bean dip?"