Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122

[MummyPumpkin83]

I've posted this here cause its about my sister, but feel free to move if inappropriate

BG:
I am the eldest of 3 girls I have been married for 7 years and my middle sister has been married 5 years. My youngest sister is set to get married later this year. I had my 2 sisters as bridesmaids, they were 20 and 15 at the time. My middle sister had us 2 plus 3 friends, and my youngest sister is doing the same (ie 5 bridesmaids, 5 groomsmen).

I have 3 young boys and my husband and I have one car.

Issue:
My sister is turning into a small bridezilla - I think.

1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?

2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?

3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night? 1. Pole Dancing, 2. dinner out, 3. go to the city and dance the night away at clubs. She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. I can tell you now that my middle sister and I (both with young children) will not be dancing the night away at clubs, nor would i be comfortable with pole dancing (my incredibly conservative sister wouldn't be either). Is it rude for 2 bridesmaids - who are also the brides sisters to miss 2/3 Hen's night activities?

4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. - How do I tell her that speculation about what her future in-laws should or could do with their money is rude, and may also make her resentful if she continues to feel entitled to benefit from their "wealth"?

thanks in advance for your words of wisdom!

[NyaChan]

To be honest, I'm not really seeing bridezilla here.

1) Not my cup of tea to be sure.  I take it this is supposed to be in lieu of a bridal shower?  I think you could gently mention to her that this sort of party can put pressure on guests to buy things they don't really want and maybe put it in terms of you worrying that the focus on selling might take attention from the whole celebration of her/wedding part.  A sales party in general is not per se rude though, if properly disclosed and handled.

2)  I think this is a reasonable and typical request.  Definitely not unusual to ask bridesmaids to come get ready with the bride and travel with her to the church.

3)  Your sister already said that people needn't come to everything, so take her at her word.  Tell her that pole dancing and staying out late won't work for you, but you are very excited to attend the dinner.

4)  This is not good behavior on her part, but I don't think it is really your place to tell an adult that they are rude.  Still, it is your little sister, so in my family at least that would give you a great deal more leeway.  If you are worried that this may reflect badly on her, you could try pointing out to her that typically it is better not to discuss finances with others, especially when it is not one's own finances. 

[Sharnita]

1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.

[ccnumber4]

 

1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. This means that if people purchase items the benefits of the profits will go to my sister. I have a feeling people may feel pressured to purchase items to give to her as well. - How do I tell her that I think this is tacky?
 

What is a "kitchen tea"?  Is that the same as a bridal shower?  If so, yes, that is usually how these things work, the guests purchase items for the bride.  I don't particularly care for it, either, but unless you are in charge of it, I don't think your opinion matters.  If you are hosting, I think you can tell her you don't feel comfortable with it, but I think you should find some other word than "tacky."

2.  If the church is 15 minutes from your house, why can't you go get ready at your sisters place and then make sure you give yourself time to go home and pick up your husband and sons?  This is your sister's wedding and you are a bridesmaid.  Did she do those things for you or your other sister?  Sometimes you do things that aren't convenient for you, because, well, it's not always about you.  If cost isn't an issue (and you say it is not, as long as it doesn't inconvenience you), then I think you should plan to be there with the rest of the bridal party. 

3. Is your sister the one who wants the 3 separate parts to the night?  If so, take her at her word, and go to the part that you are comfortable with.  I'd think accepting the honor of being a bridesmaid sort of implies that you know there will be a bachelorette party / hen's night that might require you to spend a few hours away from your children.  Again, did your sister go to these events for you and the other already-married sister? 

4. Totally none of your business.  Ignore her.  She'll figure it out and I doubt she wants your advice. 

The overall tone I get from your post is that your sister's wedding is a burden on you.  My advice is to remember she is your sister, and this is her wedding.  Unless she was a total bat at your wedding, I don't see why these are "small bridezilla" issues to you. 

[Zizi-K]

I agree with everyone else on items 1, 3 and 4. I don't think her request (#2) is unreasonable, but I also don't think it is unreasonable for you to decline. Not only are the transportation logistics difficult, but I also think it would be difficult for your husband to wrangle all three children alone to get them to the wedding.Sit down with her with some hair magazines (or the internet!) in advance to pick out a hair style and makeup style so that you will coordinate with the other girls. If she really puts up a fuss (or you decide you want to be in the pre-wedding photos, etc), you might just consider renting a car for the day so that no one has to drop you off or make 2 hour round trips.

[delabela]

I think it's completely reasonable for your sister to want her bridesmaids to get ready with her.  This isn't just any event, it's her wedding - she is likely to need support.  I for one greatly appreciated the help of my friends and family in getting ready the day of my wedding.  Presumably the wedding is not for some time - I would start thinking about arrangements (can you go back to early and pick your family up?  Can they take a cab to the ceremony and meet you there?  Is there someone else who could give them a ride?)

So I would say she is not a bridezilla.  I agree that the kitchen tea does not sound like something I would have for myself, but I probably wouldn't think twice if someone else did it.  As for commenting on her in laws money, I think you would be doing her a favor to gently suggest it's not a great idea to talk about how much money anyone has, but especially future in laws. 

[reflection5]

1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.

What do you mean by that?  Please explain.

[CakeEater]

I would absolutely expect bridesmaids to get ready with the bride. I'd be pretty upset if one of my bridesmaids met me at the church. that's part of the fun of the day.

I think if she's having three parts to the hens night so people can attend the parts they want, I think it' fine to attend the parts you want.

And honestly, if she's speculating about her inlaws' finances with you and not with everyone she knows, I wouldn't be that worried about it.

[*inviteseller]

1)  You can't call it a tea when it is really a pressured sales presentation, with the added guilt of having to buy because it benefits the bride.  I would say something to her that people may resent feeling pressured to buy something they don't want/need can't afford. 
2) I would tell your sister that you can't come and have your hair done with everyone as you have the transportation issues but I would do everything in my power to get there as early as you can to help your sister.  There is the leeway that you do have 3 small kids and a husband that need to get ready also and if your husband is driving back and forth, that makes it difficult.
3)  Just tell her what part you will be able to join without judging her choices for her night.
4)  Take her out for a coffee, if you can and talk to her about tact and talking about her in laws money.  That is not how she wants to start off the marriage thinking she is set because his parents have money.

1) she can have a tupperwear party if she wantsbut in no way should it be connected to her wedding/shower/anything else.  Conversely, you might be able to register for tupperwear but not have a party and if anybody asks if she is registered I don't see why tupperwear would be any worse than crystal but there should be no hosting a party and benefitting/GOH at a shower crossover.

2) Her expaxtations are unreasonable.  I suppose you could act as if it is a given you won't be driving there - maybe ask "So who will be picking me up?"  If she balks point out that DH can't drive you and the kids there (and then return home) so the only other option is you having your hair done around home.

3) I think I would tell her that it is kind of her not to expect people to attend all portions of the evening and that you will only be at portion number 2.  Thank her for being so understanding.

4) I wouldn't waste my breath on this one.

What do you mean by that?  Please explain.

I think what she means is not to get involved in her inlaw stuff...

[Iris]

1) For those who don't know a kitchen tea is sort of like a shower, but geared specifically towards helping the newlyweds set up their kitchen. For example when my cousin got married my mother and I put in and got her a set of saucepans at her kitchen tea. I haven't been to one for years because as people are cohabiting before marriage more they've gone out of fashion/relevance. So I have no problem with kitchen teas in general, especially since your sister is still living at home. However, I don't like the 'sales party' aspect of it much myself. If I were invited to a sales party for plasticware I just wouldn't go because I don't like it, but when it comes as an invitation to a kitchen tea I would feel more pressure to attend and also buy. So I would do them separately.

2) The request is reasonable - it's fun to all get ready together! however, I think she needs to be open to discussing logistics with you. Perhaps you could be 'done' first so you have time to collect your husband and boys before the ceremony?

3) Just attend the dinner. I think it is fine and overall it sounds like a good plan.

4) I would stay way, way away from this one myself.

So I vote not bridezilla but a bit misguided on the kitchen tea.

[Pen^2]

She may be a bridezilla in other things she does, but her actions here at least seem reasonable.

1: tacky and maybe just clueless. As long as it's all made clear on the invitations, though, people who attend do so freely and knowing what to expect, so no harm done. If it's dressed up as something different and then a "surprise! Buy stuff" pulled, that's a whole other kettle of fish.
2: reasonable. Part of accepting being a bridesmaid is to accept that you'll be doing something like this, i.e. getting ready for the big day all together. This seems perfectly normal. Is a taxi out of the question for your husband and children?
3: If she stipulated that she's okay with people missing out on parts of the night, then it is okay for you to do so. If she doesn't want that, then she shouldn't say otherwise and get upset about it. You're not a mind-reader and shouldn't try to be: if someone tells you to do something, do it, and let any unhappiness they might experience be well-deserved. I actually think she's being very thoughtful with this.
4: tacky and maybe just clueless, again. A quiet word might suffice if she's actually embarrassing herself in front of others outside the family with this, although I'd be very careful about how you do it. Maybe get one of your parents involved as she may respond better, depending on the relationships and all that.

[Hmmmmm]

1.  You don't tell her your opinion of it being tacky but you can say you are not comfortable hosting a party where guests need to purchase during the party and sit through a sales presentation. And then suggest she register for it and guests can pre-buy from that list or from one of her other registries.

2. It's reasonable but also reasonable why it creates a hardship for you. How about just explaining to her and asking how hurt shed be?

3. Well personally I'd go to the pole dancing part to just watch. But I think it's fine to just go to the dinner.

4. Not sure it's your place. You could make a joke the next time you hear it to bring her attention to it. "Sis, are you already calculating your inheritance? Better not let the in laws hear you?"

[kudeebee]

1. She has requested a "brand name plasticware company that do "parties" at your house" kitchen tea. I don't like sales parties for a shower.  It puts too much pressure on guests to buy things they don't want or need.
2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?While it would be nice for you to be able to go and get dressed with them, I think with 3 young kids (I am assuming 5 and under?) and only 1 car it is not very feasible.  If your dh has to drive a 2 hour round trip with 3 young kids and then get them ready for the wedding, the 3 little ones will probably not be in a very good mood at the ceremony/reception.  Also, you probably need to be at the church early for pics and such and you don't need the little ones there that early. Your dh probably wants to slip in with them at the last minute.  I would sit down with her and explain that you can't make it to your parent's house in the morning, but you will get your hair done in her chosen style, and that you will meet her at the church at the requested time.

3. I have just received a facebook message from one of the other bridesmaids (i don't know them but we are organising things via facebook private message) about her Hens night. the order of the night?  She wants 3 parts so that people can decide to "just come to one part" if they want or they can come to all 3. Take her at her word and only attend the dinner.  Make sure you inform of this ahead of time.

4. she has also mentioned, several times, the amount of money her fiance's parents make and how they could "just pay for it all" ("buy us a house"!) if they wanted. I wouldn't say a word about this when she brings it up.

[MummyPumpkin83]

I don't really think she is a bridezilla, though she has called herself that, and her fiancé has accused her of it.

All three of us were living with my parents when we got married, so we all got ready together.

With the logistics of getting to the ceremony, it's hard cause car seat laws in our state say that all 3 of our kids still need to be in car seats, so finding someone with a car big enough to fit the seats + kids+ husband might be difficult. My sister has "voluntold* my dad that he can come get me, but that means he'll be away from his last daughter getting ready for her wedding.

And yes Iris is right a kitchen tea is an Aussie version of a shower.

I wouldn't mind the pole dancing, I just have the idea that when they know its for a hens night it could get a bit raunchy.

*voluntold is something we say in my family where usually my mum, offers someone's services to do a job, then tells that person what she has volunteered them to do.

[Roodabega]

2. She is getting married at church about 15 mins from my house. She currently lives with my parents and the other 4 bridesmaids live near her, all around 50mins drive from my house (past the church location). She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up. This would mean that my husband would be left with the 3 boys and no car to get to the wedding, or he would have to do an approx 2 hour round trip to drop me off, or someone would have to pick me up. I am happy to pay for hair and makeup somewhere close to home if she send me a style. - Should I suck it up, be a good bridesmaid and get ready with her, or can i stay home and get ready with my own family and meet her at the church?

I'm only going to address question 2.  Is it possible for you to either get a ride from your husband, or someone else the night before?  You would be there in the morning for hair, makeup, and pictures and your husband would have the car available to get to the wedding.  I know it means your husband would have to wrangle the 3 children himself, but it would allow you to be there for your sister. 

Possibly someone else not in the wedding party could help your husband with getting the kids ready on the day of the wedding and then ride with him to the wedding?  Or as suggested above, a couple of other options are asking for a ride to get to the house in the morning, or have your hair/makup done first and then head back home and pick up husband and kids.