Author Topic: Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122  (Read 28810 times)

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NyaChan

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #45 on: April 29, 2013, 06:54:41 PM »
Also, couldn't your MIL stop by to help your husband with the children in getting ready the morning of?  She's going to the same place anyways and taking them home with her.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #46 on: April 29, 2013, 10:52:35 PM »
Frankly this whole conversation makes me a little sad.  Your sister apparently wants a Tupperware party held to celebrate her wedding.  If your her sister and her bridesmaid can you not say "deary, I'm not sure everyone's going to want to sit through that.  Why don't you let us spread the good word you love Tupperware and see what that yields gift-wise instead?  Then we just have a lovely tea?" 

Likewise, I feel as though having yourself madeup with your sister--and maybe borrowing a friend's car or hiring a babysitter for an hour or two--seems within the parameters of bridesmaiding.  It seems to me you might enjoy a little pampering and girl time, friend's car or hiring a babysitter for a bit in order to do so--is not at all beyond the normal no?  If it's utterly unfeasible, talk to her frankly but kindly. 

And the nightclubbing?  No one says you have to close down the bars.  Put on something sparkly, buy your sister a drink, and go home to bed and family. 

The latter case seems like it's none of your business.  You're her big sister, not her keeper.  The next time she brings up financial topics you might say airily "oh, moneytalk is no fun: let's talk about the flowers."  Or whatever.  Do it every time.  She'll get the hint.

It seems like you're not really all that willing to make the same effort for her she must've made for you and that you're a lot more interested in judging her choices.  I think you'll be a happier bridesmaid and she'll be a happier bride if you are a little more honest and a little less interested in pointing out her alleged rudeness.

I have to agree with all of this.

Me, too.

I agree to, especially with the last paragraph.

Yes, people's circumstances change, and no - things don't have to be 100% equal all the time. But I do feel there has to be some effort at reciprocity. Which is why (and many other posters) are encouraging you not to dismiss getting ready with your sister because it's "just too hard". Please try to thoroughly explore all possible solutions first.

KenveeB

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #47 on: April 29, 2013, 11:31:57 PM »
Bride and bridesmaids getting ready together for the wedding is the one absolute thing I would expect of being a bridesmaid other than "attend the wedding ceremony." Honestly, all sorts of other stuff may be different -- I've picked out my own dress or had every detail dictated, I've hosted and not hosted bridal showers and bachelorette parties, I've helped with DIY crafts or just showed up -- but the one common thing in every wedding I've ever been part of is that the bridal party gets ready together. I'd never call a bride even a little rude for expecting that, and I'd go through a lot more inconvenience than figuring out an alternate ride in order to do so.

I don't see why it would be such a bad thing for your dad to pick you up. For one thing, the father of the bride isn't involved in "the girls getting ready," so he wouldn't be missing anything if he wasn't there. For another, he'd be bringing you for that part, so he wouldn't be missing it, he'd be arriving just in time. But there are other options too, if you can't get a ride there and have to drive yourself. If your house is only 15 minutes from the church, why can't someone else swing by to pick up DH and the boys on the way to the wedding? I'm sure out of all your relatives who are attending, someone can manage to pick them up. Even if it has to be your car for car seat reasons, couldn't you leave a little earlier than the other bridesmaids to pick them up? Or someone else leaving from the bride's house (MIL, FIL, one of the other bridesmaids' husbands/SOs?) could drive your car to pick them up, then you and your DH take it home. It seems like a pretty easy problem to work out.

Sharnita

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #48 on: April 30, 2013, 07:03:11 AM »
I have to say that I don't really see getting ready together as being the same as everyone spending $150 the morning of on hair and makeup.  For example, in the weddings I've been in even after hair was done we didn't get into dresses until we were at the church because 1 hour in the car would make the dresses look - not great.  SO it would be possible to have hair done on your own but still "get ready together". 

CakeEater

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #49 on: April 30, 2013, 07:08:19 AM »
If the OP is in Australia, I can just say that I've never seen or heard of a wedding party getting dressed at the church. The bride and bridesmaids traditionally arrive all dressed in cars and are photographed getting out of the cars, walk straight into the church and up the aisle.

*inviteseller

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #50 on: April 30, 2013, 07:58:38 AM »
I don't think OP should have to make all the concessions on getting ready.  She has 3 small kids, one still BF'ing, and has one car that if she takes it, leaves husband high and dry if there is an emergency.  When you ask people to be in the wedding party, you have to to into account they have lives too and it is not going to revolve around the wedding 24/7.  I was in 2 weddings and was able to get ready with both parties to different degrees, but not all members were with us and we just met at the church.  It worked out just fine.

AnnaJ

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #51 on: April 30, 2013, 09:51:35 AM »


Yes, people's circumstances change, and no - things don't have to be 100% equal all the time. But I do feel there has to be some effort at reciprocity. Which is why (and many other posters) are encouraging you not to dismiss getting ready with your sister because it's "just too hard". Please try to thoroughly explore all possible solutions first.
[/quote]

I agree, especially with the bolded.  It is one day, not an ongoing obligation, and I think that if the OP's sister wants her there it is not unreasonable to make some minor adjustments to make it work.

Sharnita

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #52 on: April 30, 2013, 10:25:06 AM »
When it comes with a $150 price tag it doesn't sound sll that minor.

AnnaJ

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #53 on: April 30, 2013, 10:36:09 AM »
When it comes with a $150 price tag it doesn't sound sll that minor.

I didn't get the impression from the OP that money was the problem - she said she'd be happy to get her hair and makeup done elsewhere - the issue seems to be the inconvenience of going to the house and getting ready.  If the question is money then I think the OP can certainly negotiate with her sister, but for the rest I really don't think it's a lot to ask as a one time event.

Cami

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #54 on: April 30, 2013, 11:58:54 AM »
I was a very easy-going bride and yet if my sister told me it was too much trouble for her to come to the house to get ready with the rest of us on my wedding day, I would have probably gotten quite upset. Really, that is a baseline expectation for a bridal party member. I think it's on the bridesmaid to make it happen.


*inviteseller

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #55 on: April 30, 2013, 02:10:07 PM »
I think the sister who is getting married should understand that the Op lives close to the church, has one car she would have to take away from husband and kids, drive almost an hour to get hair done, then drive an hour back to pick up husband and kids (and possibly have to feed the one still bf'ing) and go to the church.  Yes, it would be nice to have her sister to get ready with, but sometimes life isn't fair.  My sister's niece in law (17) lived 1 1/2 hrs away and was coming with her mother and my sister's MIL, who was in the early stages of alzheimers.  My sister did not demand she come down early to get ready because extenuating circumstances prevented it and she was just happy when we all met at the church.  We get ideas in our heads of how are wedding day is going to be and if we stress over something this minor (it really is) and decide that someone mustn't love us or support us because they cannot rearrange their lives for a hair appointment, then you (general) aren't focusing on the real happening of the day which is your are marrying the person you love.

lowspark

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #56 on: April 30, 2013, 03:05:10 PM »
The OP said nothing about her sister "demanding" she come.
From the OP:
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready

The idea I get from the OP is that going to the sister's house to get ready with everyone is inconvenient but not impossible. And to me, inconveniencing yourself for your sister's wedding is not out of the ordinary. It's one day, a once in a lifetime event, and it will (presumably) mean a lot to the bride. If it's impossible, then that's one thing. But if it takes some extra effort, is that really too much to ask? Enough to get you labeled a bridezilla? Not in my opinion, anyway.

Sophia

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #57 on: April 30, 2013, 03:19:34 PM »
Quote
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up.

This part jumped out at me.  It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.  Paying $150 each for hair and makeup at your parent's house?  That is a lot of money for a style and makeup.  Also, only one person at a time gets taken care of.  Unlike a salon where it might all happen at once.  I would expect you would pay $150 to sit around and watch the bride get hair and makeup, and then everyone else gets slapped together. 

Don't get me wrong, I think it is reasonable to ask the BM's to come over.  In general.  But, between your 3 kids and the $150, I don't think it is reasonable anymore. 

guihong

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #58 on: April 30, 2013, 03:24:54 PM »
Quote
She has asked that I come to her house he morning of the wedding to get ready. Including paying $150ish for hair and make up.

This part jumped out at me.  It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.  Paying $150 each for hair and makeup at your parent's house?  That is a lot of money for a style and makeup.  Also, only one person at a time gets taken care of.  Unlike a salon where it might all happen at once.  I would expect you would pay $150 to sit around and watch the bride get hair and makeup, and then everyone else gets slapped together. 

Don't get me wrong, I think it is reasonable to ask the BM's to come over.  In general.  But, between your 3 kids and the $150, I don't think it is reasonable anymore.

Sophia is right, and I didn't see that part before.  $150 is a lot of money for hair and makeup (My MOH did my makeup and my hair was $45ish including highlights earlier in the week).  There is also a lot of downtime at the house.  While I get that meeting up to get ready is fun, realistically it doesn't seem to be that workable and the whole day for the bride is a blur anyway.  Could you offer a compromise, like a spa package before the wedding, just the two of you?



Quiltin Nana

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Re: Sister's Wedding Rudeness
« Reply #59 on: April 30, 2013, 03:29:24 PM »
1.  Years and years ago, I was a MOH for a bride where her sister-in-law to be, held a Tupperware party as a shower event.  When we arrive, we were told to put money in a bowl that was passed around.  This was to be given to the bride to choose what products she wanted.  We also were expected to have brought a gift with us.  (The sales party was not mentioned on the invite, I don't think.)  We were also expected to buy stuff for ourselves and the SIL-to-be received hostess credits for the entire show value.  I thought this was very tacky back in 1979 and I still think it is tacky.

2.  My bridesmaids met me at the church an hour or so before the ceremony for pictures.  When my daughter got married 10 years ago, her bridesmaids met at the church in the same manner.  In the morning we had met at a local salon for hair, but 1 bridesmaid lived further away and took a picture of the style my daughter wanted to a salon of her choice.  After hair was done, each bridesmaid went to their own home to finish getting ready and all joined back up at the church for pictures and to help the bride finish getting ready.  I guess I don't understand the need for everyone to be together all morning long.  This seems to be part of the new idea that the bride needs to be the center of everyone's world for "her" day. 

3.  I would just go to whatever part of the evening I wanted and not the others.