Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122

[kareng57]

Overall, I don't like the idea of requiring bridesmaids to pay for hair/makeup out of their own pockets.  I did get my hair done when I was my sister's MOH, but that was my own choice.

But if your sister did it for your wedding (and you required it), I think you're pretty much stuck with it.

[cutejellybeen]

the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

I don't agree with this word. I think "gift" is a better word. And if I were close enough to someone to be in their wedding party, I would absolutely want to give that gift to someone. I'd consider it a bit of an honor to give them that gift.

However,  also suspect that cutejellybean means "job" as in "obligation assigned by the universe, to create as many wonderful memories and fulfill as many wishes for the bride as we can." (meaning of "can" = "are able to")

Toots thats exactly how I meant it, just worded it poorly.  I guess my thought process was that she had gone above and beyond for me -without being asked, that even though it was inconvenient for me - it was something kind I could do for my best friend.

[Hollanda]

I hate sales parties. Someone aways gets bamboozled into spending too much money on something unnecessary. I'd simply make excuses and not go.

Re hair and makeup.  The only expense my bridesmaids made was hair and makeup and shoes.  The only stipulation was that shoes should be silver. My folks paid for the rest, dresses, fittings etc. They came with me to the salon.  Only one bridesmaid kvetched about paying for their own hair.  Id just try to find some way around it but it sounds tricky with three kiddywinks to get ready as well. If there really is no way around it then it will have to be done nearer home.

[Lynn2000]

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

I'll take a crack at the invitation...

"Amy and Betty are pleased to host a kitchen tea for Cathy in honor of her upcoming marriage. At the bride's request, the kitchen tea will be combined with a Tupperware party, with Sally the Saleswoman available to take orders from guests for both personal use and as gifts for Cathy. Cathy looks forward to setting up her kitchen with Tupperware! If you have any questions, please contact Amy or Betty at..."

Okay, not perfect. But, I think it does several things.
1) Points out that the bride wanted the Tupperware party--in case someone thinks the hostesses are exploiting her kitchen tea or something. And that yeah, she apparently really likes Tupperware.
2) Makes it clear that this is a Tupperware sales party. Whether it's tacky to combine the events or not, at least people are aware of what they're getting into.
3) Suggests that guests can buy gifts on the spot for Cathy. Which hopefully implies they don't need to bring an additional gift. Don't give out other registry information with the invitation.

It might be good to work in that Cathy (or whoever) gets a portion of the proceeds from sales. And, if cash on the spot is required (i.e., Sally the Saleswoman doesn't take checks or credit cards), that might be good to mention for logistical reasons.

I do think showers/kitchen teas/etc. are more "gift grabby" by nature--it's generally expected everyone will bring a gift, so in a case like this it might be better to face that head-on and at least be honest about what guests will encounter.

[sparksals]

OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.

Just because a bride wants something, it is not the job of the bridesmaids to make her every wish and dream come true.  The bride has to have realistic expectations when inviting people to be a part of the wedding party that they may not have the exorbitant amounts of cash to throw the bridal shower/bacherlorette  party the bride wants, they may live too far away to constantly be waiting on the bride leading up to the wedding, they may have partners and kids whose comfort and well being come before the brides needs and expectations.  You give as much as you can (make sure you get you dress and shoes in a timely manner, keep all appointments you agree to, help the bride to what level you can), but the bride cannot demand (and I don't care if it is a relative, your best friend, or whatever) that you give up your life (and money) to cater to her wishes.  I was in 2 weddings that both brides understood that we all had jobs, families, limited funds) and while we all worked together to make sure we had everything done that we needed to do and everyone was happy.  The bridesmaids did not feel like indentured servants, the bride enjoyed a great relationship with no drama with the wedding party.  The 3rd wedding I was asked to be in ruined a friendship because demands were made that I, living 5 hours away, could not keep up with.

I would normally agree with you, but it seems that it is tradition in this family for sisters to be in the wedding party.  The now bride was in the OP's WP as well as the other sister's.  There is a level of reciprocity with something like this.  The bride is not asking for anything  outrageous. 


I have to wonder, did the OP have all her BMs getting ready with her and did the other sister who got married have the same thing and did the OP get ready with the other sister when she got married?  If so, it is reasonable that the bride would expect the same from her sister.  Her sister. 


I think the OP is being unkind in making her sister out to be wedding rude when she is not.

[sparksals]

So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding? 

[Seven Ate Nine]

So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding?

40 minutes each way is not a short drive, especially after an entire day of wedding affairs.  I live about an hour from where my sister got married, and I did some really convoluted car switching so that DH could drive me home (ie, we didn't have two cars at the reception site).  We left "early" (after 10pm, with the HC's blessing) due to having a long drive home, and I was completely exhausted.

[MummyPumpkin83]

So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding?

40 minutes each way is not a short drive, especially after an entire day of wedding affairs.  I live about an hour from where my sister got married, and I did some really convoluted car switching so that DH could drive me home (ie, we didn't have two cars at the reception site).  We left "early" (after 10pm, with the HC's blessing) due to having a long drive home, and I was completely exhausted.

It would be an almost 2 hour round trip from the reception venue back to my parents, then back to our house. We would also need to pick up our boys, or at least the baby, from MIL.

[MummyPumpkin83]

OP, I can only speak to the getting ready with the bride part. Your sister did this for you, and while i know her responsibilities werent the same then as yours are now,I dont see this as unreasonable. Im betting she has fond memories of getting ready with you and your other sister on her wedding day and wants to have some of that for herself.

I'd have been very hurt if my bridesmaids told me they wanted to get ready at their places.  The getting ready part was really important to me, as it was a bonding experience and a last girly morning before I was married. My best friends, my mom and my Hubbys sister were all there to help me and to share with me. now my SIL was a bit of a pill, but it was the bringing of families together.

a few months later when my MOH got married she wanted all six girls (bms and bride) to spend the night together and then the morning of. this was not idea for me, as I dont sleep well on floors or air mattresses, but because its what she wanted we all did it. we rented a honeymoon room at a local hotel, and split the cost 5 ways. the bride wanted it, but it was our job as bridesmaids to give it to her.

As far as cost for Hair and Make up, we were all told the price in advance. we knew what we were getting into financially for the bride, and we all had the option to opt out from the get go.

OP please consider doing this for your sister, I know it wont be easy for you, but it would be a kindness to her. As far as your dad getting ready with her, I didnt see my Dad until it was time for photos before the wedding. He got ready at his house, I got ready at Moms.

Just because a bride wants something, it is not the job of the bridesmaids to make her every wish and dream come true.  The bride has to have realistic expectations when inviting people to be a part of the wedding party that they may not have the exorbitant amounts of cash to throw the bridal shower/bacherlorette  party the bride wants, they may live too far away to constantly be waiting on the bride leading up to the wedding, they may have partners and kids whose comfort and well being come before the brides needs and expectations.  You give as much as you can (make sure you get you dress and shoes in a timely manner, keep all appointments you agree to, help the bride to what level you can), but the bride cannot demand (and I don't care if it is a relative, your best friend, or whatever) that you give up your life (and money) to cater to her wishes.  I was in 2 weddings that both brides understood that we all had jobs, families, limited funds) and while we all worked together to make sure we had everything done that we needed to do and everyone was happy.  The bridesmaids did not feel like indentured servants, the bride enjoyed a great relationship with no drama with the wedding party.  The 3rd wedding I was asked to be in ruined a friendship because demands were made that I, living 5 hours away, could not keep up with.

I would normally agree with you, but it seems that it is tradition in this family for sisters to be in the wedding party.  The now bride was in the OP's WP as well as the other sister's.  There is a level of reciprocity with something like this.  The bride is not asking for anything  outrageous. 


I have to wonder, did the OP have all her BMs getting ready with her and did the other sister who got married have the same thing and did the OP get ready with the other sister when she got married?  If so, it is reasonable that the bride would expect the same from her sister.  Her sister. 


I think the OP is being unkind in making her sister out to be wedding rude when she is not.

Sorry for the huge quote...
Yes my sisters and I got ready together for my wedding. We were all living together with my parents and got ready at home. We had a lady come to our house to do hair and makeup and my mum paid for it.

When my other sister got married I only had one kid, so it was easier logistically. We all met at a hairdresser to get our hair done. And went back to my parents (where both sisters were living) and got ready. The other 3 bridesmaids got ready there too and one of them did my make up for me.

I'm not sure that she's being rude about getting ready together, just doesn't understand the difficulties of getting there.

I do think she is rude about the kitchen tea.

[Lynn2000]

Well, I think the getting-ready-together thing comes down to priorities. Personally, I could see how it might be an important tradition/experience for the bride, and the logistical difficulties seem inconvenient but minor to me.

BUT, how I feel about it is not the point. If you don't want to do it, you can say to your sister, "I'm sorry, but getting ready together at your house that morning is not going to work for me. Can I just meet you at the church?" (or whatever alternate plan). This is not rude, IMO.

She might be hurt, she might understand completely, she might have another alternative in mind that you hadn't thought of; but you would not be rude to refuse her request. I don't think her request is unreasonable, but that doesn't mean you have to comply with it if you find it unreasonable for your circumstances (or for any other reason, really).

[CakeEater]

Sorry for the huge quote...
Yes my sisters and I got ready together for my wedding. We were all living together with my parents and got ready at home. We had a lady come to our house to do hair and makeup and my mum paid for it.

When my other sister got married I only had one kid, so it was easier logistically. We all met at a hairdresser to get our hair done. And went back to my parents (where both sisters were living) and got ready. The other 3 bridesmaids got ready there too and one of them did my make up for me.

I'm not sure that she's being rude about getting ready together, just doesn't understand the difficulties of getting there.

I do think she is rude about the kitchen tea.

I have two small children, one with special needs. I know how difficult logistics can be at times.

However, this is her wedding, and you're her bridesmaid. She's not asking for you to do a two-hour round trip to drop her off at the shops. It's to have a special time with her bridesmaids getting ready for her wedding. It's a big deal, and even if she understood the difficulties, I don't think the request that you deal with those difficulties and get there is an unreasonable one.

Heck, my DH is taking two days off work next month to look after our kids while I fly to another country for four days for my brother's short-notice wedding. I'm paying for flights and will have to get my passport renewed. So I guess I don't see a two-huor drive as such a big deal.

[sparksals]

So the plan as I have been told is that my dad will leave to pick me up while my sister and the other 4 bridesmaids are having their turn at getting hair and makeup done. I will be last on the list. So I guess it will be turn up, get my hair and make up done, then we'll all put our dresses on (or they may already have their dresses on). Have some photos, get in the cars and go.

The issue with my MIL taking DH and kids to the church is that our car would then be at my parents house (assuming my parents go in the bridal party transport which they did for my wedding) and we would have to go back there at some point to collect it before we could get home.

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

This is a minor logistic.  I'm sure if you discuss with your family, you can all come up with something so that the car is at the wedding venue after the wedding is over.  Is it really such a hardship for you to travel home with your parents to get your car and then go home after the wedding?

40 minutes each way is not a short drive, especially after an entire day of wedding affairs.  I live about an hour from where my sister got married, and I did some really convoluted car switching so that DH could drive me home (ie, we didn't have two cars at the reception site).  We left "early" (after 10pm, with the HC's blessing) due to having a long drive home, and I was completely exhausted.

I don't think it is for a sister on her wedding day. 

[Iris]

I offered to print the invitations for the kitchen tea. My other sister and MOH are the "hosts" (their names and numbers are on the invitation for RSVPs). I've just received the document - wording is ...

"we would love to help (DSis) set up her kitchen with Tupperware, instead of bringing gifts please consider brining some cash to put in (DSis)'s wish box so she can purchase Tupperware on the day. Or you might want to place an order for your favourite piece of Tupperware for her as a gift! All Personal purchases will contribute to (DSis)'s hosts gifts, feel free to bring orders from friends to help out too!"

She had originally wanted to invite 50 people, however has been told to cut the guest list to 30 as our middle sister is hosting at her house.
any suggestions on ways to amend the wording so its not such a blatant gift grab?

Edited to add all the wording from the invite.

I'll take a crack at the invitation...

"Amy and Betty are pleased to host a kitchen tea for Cathy in honor of her upcoming marriage. At the bride's request, the kitchen tea will be combined with a Tupperware party, with Sally the Saleswoman available to take orders from guests for both personal use and as gifts for Cathy. Cathy looks forward to setting up her kitchen with Tupperware! If you have any questions, please contact Amy or Betty at..."

Okay, not perfect. But, I think it does several things.
1) Points out that the bride wanted the Tupperware party--in case someone thinks the hostesses are exploiting her kitchen tea or something. And that yeah, she apparently really likes Tupperware.
2) Makes it clear that this is a Tupperware sales party. Whether it's tacky to combine the events or not, at least people are aware of what they're getting into.
3) Suggests that guests can buy gifts on the spot for Cathy. Which hopefully implies they don't need to bring an additional gift. Don't give out other registry information with the invitation.

It might be good to work in that Cathy (or whoever) gets a portion of the proceeds from sales. And, if cash on the spot is required (i.e., Sally the Saleswoman doesn't take checks or credit cards), that might be good to mention for logistical reasons.

I do think showers/kitchen teas/etc. are more "gift grabby" by nature--it's generally expected everyone will bring a gift, so in a case like this it might be better to face that head-on and at least be honest about what guests will encounter.

I quite like this wording. Makes the best of a bad job, I think.

On the getting ready together thing my only issue is that I don't think it will be nice for you to be getting 'done' after everyone else is finished. That takes it away from 'let's get ready together, it will be fun!' and more towards 'I just want everyone to have the same hair' in my eyes.

[MummyPumpkin83]

Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride
as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side

thoughts?

[iridaceae]

thoughts?

That's really bad poetry. Vogon-level poetry.