Sister's Wedding Rudeness -Update #104, #122

[Lynn2000]

My immediate thoughts are not really appropriate for an etiquette forum.

2.5 hours early seems really early to me. If the venue needs that much preparation in advance, I think they should have picked another venue, or at least made sure everyone they want to help is in fact available 2.5 hours early, and some time after. If they didn't clear that extra time with you beforehand, and they're expecting you to help, they may be disappointed when you say that due to other activities you have scheduled that day, you'll only be there at most half an hour early, and able to stay after only half an hour (for example).

Wasn't this venue supposed to be someone's house, or am I mixed up? If so, even less reason for needing a group of people working for 2.5 hours to get the place ready. If the house needs a deep cleaning or something, the hostess should either take care of that, or not offer up her house.

Again, if they didn't get your okay beforehand to provide a large amount of specific food and serving items, they can't count on you actually doing so. You might not be able to (want to) afford them, or transport them to the venue.

Pretending the shower proper runs from 1pm to 4pm... I would respond with something like, "Wow, sounds like an exciting time! FYI, I have other commitments that day, so I can be at the venue at about 12:30pm, and I have to leave by 4:30pm. I can chip in $25 towards the cost of food, etc.. Do you want cash or is there something specific I can bring for that price?" Or whatever other limits you decide on. If they make plans without your agreement, they can't count on you to do what they want. I think it would be fair to warn them of that ahead of time, though.

[JenJay]

Definitely seems to be about all having the same hair/makeup colours rather than necessarily being together getting ready.

Shower invitations have gone out. Apparently the wording was ambiguous because guests have been asking if they have to buy a normal gft as well as Tupperware.
Bridesmaids have been requested to be there about 2 and1/2 hours early to set up, stay behind to clean up, and provide food, drink, cups, platters to serve food on, an Urn (if we have one), table cloths, etc, etc...

Wedding invitations arrived on the weekend, including the following poem (on a separate slip in the envelope):

your presence at the wedding is the greatest gift to receive,
witnessing the couple exchanging vows and state what they believe.
the tradition of the wishing well used on the wedding day,
is here both for your money gifts and for what you have to say
so please drop in a token of love for this special broom and bride
as they start their lives united by God, to live forever side by side
Set 'em out, ride 'em in, ride 'em in, let 'em out, cut 'em out, ride 'em in Rawhide!

thoughts?

Here, I fixed it for them. No less saccherine perhaps but it's probably better to choke on sugary sweet words than indignation.

Aww, but now it doesn't rhyme anymore!     

Better?  It rhymes and cuts the saccharine a bit! 

That made me laugh so hard!!

Okay, the poem is horrible. They're basically giving people a heads-up "Yo, there will be a box in which you are expected to place money so BRING TEH MONIES!!"

[MummyPumpkin83]

So the kitchen tea was last weekend. It went really well. Though my middle son was quite upset when he found that boys weren't invited, "its not fair that it is just girls mum!"
There was a bit of confusion amongst the guests about the gift giving (there were 3 or 4 wrapped gifts). People were told they were able to put money in the tub for sis to spend, or they could buy for her, or they could buy for themselves and she would get the "host points" for the purchasers. I think some people thought they had to buy something, and put into the tub.

There was heaps of food. So middle sis got to take the left overs for morning tea to her church the next day.

I ran the games part - which went well. Just 2 games. "how well do you know the bride/groom/bridal party" questionnaire, and "what do you have in your handbag".

All the bridesmaids were there so we all tried on our dresses and shoes together. We all looked good if I say so myself. A couple of us need to get our dresses adjusted (One poor bridesmaids dress was so spacious in the top she could have fit a pillow in there!).

My mum seems to have sorted the transport to the wedding issue. I have not protested (except to my DH and here on e-hell) about the plans, my issue has always been that I have been told this is what is happening and not given any options of doing otherwise. I also haven't spoken up about the inconvenience, because it had all already been sorted. My dad will pick me up sometime on the morning of the wedding and take me back to their house so I can get my hair and makeup done, then the bridal party will get in the fancy cars and head to the church together.

My DH has been asked if he will video the ceremony and the speech portion of the reception. Good thing MIL is coming to wrangle the kids!

Edited to add...

Hens night has been sorted. Middle sis was having a bit of a moral dilemma about the contents of the evening (pole dancing and clubbing) so she has opted to go on a friends 30th birthday weekend away instead. I am definitely going for the dinner portion of the night. Just have to see about the Pole dancing bit.

[LifeOnPluto]

MummyPumpkin83, I'm glad you survived the tupperware shower! Sounds like it didn't go too badly, all things considered!

I'm also glad the transportation arrangements have been sorted out. Re: your DH being asked (or told?!) to do the video of the ceremony and speeches, I'm wondering if your little sister still expects a wedding gift from you? Because I honestly think after all the cost and favours you (and now your DH) are doing your sister, you shoudn't have to give her anything more than a card full of well wishes.

I also read on your other thread that you're expected to pay $50 for the pole dancing part of the hens' night. If you aren't actually going along to that part, I don't think you should have to pay for it.

Re: your middle sister, I hope she hadn't committed to the hens' night? Because if she has, it would be rude of her to back out now, to attend the 30th birthday party. Personally, I would have chosen my sister's hen's night above a friend's birthday party, but I guess it's different strokes for different folks.

[Minmom3]

I don't know if I WOULD opt for a sisters pole dancing hen night over a friends birthday party, and I'm not remotely religious.  OP has said her sister IS religious, and has moral objections to the salacious nature of the planned events at the hen party.  Bride knows her sisters objections and would rather do those events than chose something tamer that her sisters would both be happier taking part in.  She's made her choice, and her sisters shouldn't have to do something objectionable to them just because the 3rd sister is getting married and 'having a partay!' on her hen night.  Asking your sisters to fold, spindle and mutilate their morals isn't a kind thing to do, and (IMO) indicates that bride would possibly be happier with just her friends that night, not the more straight laced sisters.  And while bride may be unhappy that her sister has ducked out of the hen night, I think that's the risk she runs when she chooses to do something that she KNOWS the sister finds displeasing and or morally objectionable.  Choices have repercussions.

[Lynn2000]

I do think no one who feels uncomfortable with the pole dancing (or any other part) need attend it, but I think the question was, did the sister already commit to attending it, and is now having second thoughts, even though no new information has been given? That's not the best option to take, really, though sometimes it's unavoidable if you're really feeling conflicted about something.

Even if Sister ultimately chooses not to go, there might be consequences to her agreeing and then changing her mind (if that, in fact, happened). Like if there's a minimum requirement of 5 spots in a group, and now they only have 4 people, maybe she'll have to pay for a spot she's not going to use, so the rest of the group can still attend (since they based attending on her original agreement).

It would be nice if Sister could attend at least the dinner portion, though. I think as a bride it would be hurtful to have one of my sisters completely back out of my hen night, after saying she would be there, to attend someone else's party, even the portions that were non-objectionable. But, of course nice doesn't equal polite, and obviously there are a lot of family dynamics at play here. What one person would be hurt by, another would be perfectly fine with.

[Twik]

I think it is not wise to expect that people will all be fine with "pretend sexual debauchery" night unless you know them well enough to be sure they'll think it's fun, not degrading. Assuming that people who don't want to do this will do it for love of you will land you in exactly this situation. Since I would assume the bride actually has more than a passing acquaintance with her sister, I can only assume that she either does not care how her sister feels about it, or worse, is amused at forcing her to do something that she feels is wrong.

I think backing out of the party is the best possible solution; certainly better than either attending with a sour expression, or feeling forced into doing something you do not want to do.

[KenveeB]

I think it is not wise to expect that people will all be fine with "pretend sexual debauchery" night unless you know them well enough to be sure they'll think it's fun, not degrading. Assuming that people who don't want to do this will do it for love of you will land you in exactly this situation. Since I would assume the bride actually has more than a passing acquaintance with her sister, I can only assume that she either does not care how her sister feels about it, or worse, is amused at forcing her to do something that she feels is wrong.

I think backing out of the party is the best possible solution; certainly better than either attending with a sour expression, or feeling forced into doing something you do not want to do.

But Bride isn't assuming everyone would be fine with it. She's having three distinct parts of the party and has specifically said that it's fine to just come to the parts you want. I think that's a good way to do it if you want to have something out of the ordinary for your party. If it was my sister, I would make a point to come to the dinner even if I was bowing out on the rest.

[LifeOnPluto]

I think it is not wise to expect that people will all be fine with "pretend sexual debauchery" night unless you know them well enough to be sure they'll think it's fun, not degrading. Assuming that people who don't want to do this will do it for love of you will land you in exactly this situation. Since I would assume the bride actually has more than a passing acquaintance with her sister, I can only assume that she either does not care how her sister feels about it, or worse, is amused at forcing her to do something that she feels is wrong.

I think backing out of the party is the best possible solution; certainly better than either attending with a sour expression, or feeling forced into doing something you do not want to do.

But Bride isn't assuming everyone would be fine with it. She's having three distinct parts of the party and has specifically said that it's fine to just come to the parts you want. I think that's a good way to do it if you want to have something out of the ordinary for your party. If it was my sister, I would make a point to come to the dinner even if I was bowing out on the rest.

Exactly. If I recall correctly, the Bride had no issue with guests skipping the pole dancing part of the Hens Night.

My question stands. Had the middle sister indicated to the Bride that she'd be attending ANY part of the Hens Night? Because if so, I do think she's rude to back out altogether at this stage.

It would be nice if Sister could attend at least the dinner portion, though. I think as a bride it would be hurtful to have one of my sisters completely back out of my hen night, after saying she would be there, to attend someone else's party, even the portions that were non-objectionable. But, of course nice doesn't equal polite, and obviously there are a lot of family dynamics at play here. What one person would be hurt by, another would be perfectly fine with.

I agree with this.