Author Topic: DH exercised his shiny spine today.  (Read 2458 times)

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POF

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DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« on: June 08, 2014, 03:50:09 PM »
DH can at times be a pushover, and he can be conflict avoider.  However - this was a really good example of his spine. 

We are visiting a vacation area in the south this summer - and its a 12 - 14 hour drive.  Since we haven't seen my parents since T-Day ( they are reluctant to travel up our way - for a whole lot of nonsensical reasons ) we decided to take a few days off our trip and drive to see them.  The trip to their house from our vacation area is 4 hours and then we have a 10 hour drive home from their house.  ( Its sort of a U shaped driving trip ).

my Mom called to confirm the dates and was very insistent that they were firm, which seemed odd. They really don't travel in the summer - because of their garden ( don't ask ) .  She then proceeded to tell me that she wanted to see if she could get a family reunion lined up with her siblings - etc and wanted us to attend.  Now I haven't seen those folks in a long time - DH and the boys have never met them. I asked Mom where this reunion would be and she named a state park. I said to her - anyway we could have it at your house ? - we will have been driving a lot and are only here for 3 days and hate to spend another day driving ( we used to do this all the time growing up and I of course would help set up etc. ) . She said Oh no - this park is very close drive , nothing to worry about.  So based on that I agreed. DH and the boys were not thrilled with meeting a bunch of long lost relatives - although I would like to see them.

Well - its close to a 3 hour drive to this park- one way. Seriously.  ( FYI - Mom lives within a 90 radius of everyone - but some of the family members like to go and camp at this park ). 

DH and I called her the next day and said, it isn't going to work for us to drive 4 hours - out of our way from vacation - to turn around and make a 6 hour round trip in one day and then leave the next day for a 10 hour trip home.  She kept saying that my niece ( 13  )really wanted to have this reunion and meet all these relatives.  We explained to her that yes, we'd like to see them too - but there are parks and other places that are within an hours drive away.

She also expressed great sadness that some of her siblings had never met the boys, I also reminded her that when we would come to visit - no one would come visit us ( well my favorite aunt and uncle always did  but they passed on the last 2 years ).

DH was very firm, told my mother it would not be possible. She then said  well we are going to go anyway ( thinking that she would force us into it once we were there ).  DH calmly said - OK - good to know  - we will spend extra days at vacation area and not stop by for a long weekend - since there is no point if you won't be there.

My mother pulls this stuff quite a bit - when she wants something its all about her.  I was proud of DH ( I asked him to hanlde it so I wouldn't get angry with my mother ).

My Dad did call us later and said he thought the whole reunion thing was not a great idea - but she could not be persuaded. he said he wasn't going  - so he'd spend the day with DH and the boys fishing and I could go out with some old friends.

We did JADE a bit - but sometimes you need this with family. Also I know we initially agreed - but it was based on Mom telling a lie about the driving time




Minmom3

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2014, 04:15:05 PM »
Good for you!  That was bait and switch at its finest, and you didn't succumb!  Good job...
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

NyaChan

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2014, 04:42:43 PM »
Wow, good work on both of your parts!

JenJay

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #3 on: June 08, 2014, 07:13:54 PM »
I'm really sorry your mom did this. I'd be pretty upset if I hadn't seen my parents in 6+ months and when I made plans to go visit them, one of them turned around and made other plans to be gone. I bet she thinks once you're there and see her loading up the car you'll feel bad and "make" your DH go. She's in for a long, lonely, disappointing trip!  :-\

mime

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #4 on: June 09, 2014, 10:28:27 AM »
How nice to see when a couple aligns themselves with each other to defend their immediate family's best interests!

You say your mom does this kind of thing quite a bit. Well, consider this the first lesson in training her to behave!  >:D

TootsNYC

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2014, 11:03:03 AM »
I don't think you JADE-ed. I think you simply explained your reasoning. JADE-ing, I think, is when you keep trying to come up w/ more and more reasons, and you don't stop explaining.

You guys explained, and then said, "Well, I guess we won't come."


amylouky

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #6 on: June 09, 2014, 11:19:51 AM »
Good for you and DH! I think I"d be inviting your Dad down for a few days at fun vacation spot, and let Mom go to her family reunion alone.
It is sad that she won't consider changing plans, especially since they had plans for your visit before the family reunion. Sorry she's being this way.

BeagleMommy

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2014, 12:01:15 PM »
Well done!  This is a great example of a united front.

POF

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2014, 12:13:36 PM »
How nice to see when a couple aligns themselves with each other to defend their immediate family's best interests!

You say your mom does this kind of thing quite a bit. Well, consider this the first lesson in training her to behave!  >:D

Not sure we can train her  :P.  But we have picked our battles. 

Once before a visit she would not tell me where they had their gun. All she would say is " well - its where the kids can't find it - which meant it was in an unsecured place. We cancelled our trip and told her we would be glad to visit when we were assured that the firearms were properly locked up. Next day - they sent me a photo of the new gun locker they bought. 

Another time - my Dad was sick the week before we were planning a visit ( with very young ones ). I had just recovered from Pnuemonia and was being very careful.  Iasked several times and she told me that Dad was fine.  As soon as we arrived - he came out telling us about how bad he felt in very gory detail.  DH and I both got mad and said ... what happened last night you said he was fine.  She laughed and said - well I really wanted you to visit.  We decided not to drive back at that point - but did book a hotel room - so that Dad could recover in peace and cut our trip short ( no sense rewarding bad behavior from both of them - and i spoke with both of them about how he was feeling and they both outright lied ) .  Now - my Dad is a drama llama - so he tends to escalate a simple cold into ebola and I am sure that was going on as well.

They do tend to enable each other.  They can't come visit us in the summer ( and we have offered to buy plane tickets/train tickets ) becasue they can't leave their garden.

mime

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #9 on: June 09, 2014, 01:45:17 PM »
Once before a visit she would not tell me where they had their gun. All she would say is " well - its where the kids can't find it - which meant it was in an unsecured place. We cancelled our trip and told her we would be glad to visit when we were assured that the firearms were properly locked up. Next day - they sent me a photo of the new gun locker they bought. 

Good for you. This struck a chord with me. Not that guns bother me-- but I have a good friend whose 14yo brother got his hands on the grandparents' gun during a family visit to their farm. The result was tragic.

LadyL

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #10 on: June 09, 2014, 03:55:05 PM »

They do tend to enable each other.  They can't come visit us in the summer ( and we have offered to buy plane tickets/train tickets ) becasue they can't don't want to leave their garden.

Fixed that for you.

I mean, our "garden" is just some containers on our fire escape, but we manage to travel and not kill our herbs using those globe things that titrate the water. If we were gone longer than 4-5 days we'd need someone to get our mail anyhow and could just ask them to water the plants as well.

POF

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Re: DH exercised his shiny spine today.
« Reply #11 on: June 09, 2014, 06:05:11 PM »

They do tend to enable each other.  They can't come visit us in the summer ( and we have offered to buy plane tickets/train tickets ) becasue they can't don't want to leave their garden.

Fixed that for you.

I mean, our "garden" is just some containers on our fire escape, but we manage to travel and not kill our herbs using those globe things that titrate the water. If we were gone longer than 4-5 days we'd need someone to get our mail anyhow and could just ask them to water the plants as well.

Thanks for fixing it.  This garden is really important to them..... They plant so much they give away 80% of it. Now - I get that its a great hobby ( its a 1/2 acre plot ).  But many brothers live close and could water it.  I feel hurt that they can't make other arrangements for this thing and won't travel to see us because of it.  Its their loss though - the boys are older and they missed a lot when they were younger.