General Etiquette > Family and Children

Ladies, I need your advice!

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Unfortunately you are in a complete no-win situation. 20 years ago I participated in my brother's wedding. I did everything asked, paid all money required, and was not included in anything (dress choice, bridal shower, bachelorette, getting dressed before the wedding...absolutely nothing). I shrugged it off, put a big smile on my face...and years later was accused of being "horrible" to my SIL at said wedding (no specifics of "horrible" behavior given).

I have no words of wisdom except to say that it is not you. I'd say go with what your heart says, because unfortunately MOH for  whatever reason has thrown you under a bus, and SIL doesn't sound like she wants your side of the story. So stay true to what you want (and is NOT YOU!).

If she keeps treating you like this, I agree with others who say opting out of the bridal party is best.  Yes, she will be family, but that doesn't mean she has more leeway to be abusive.  I think it's absurd that she (and/or MOH) is demanding so much from you and treating you so badly. 


--- Quote from: LifeOnPluto on April 30, 2013, 10:48:23 PM ---Just out of curiousity, did you show your brother the abusive text from his Bride-to-Be? (Because that's what it was, full of nasty accusations and swear-words - an abusive text).

If so, how did your brother react?

I know that if my fiance ever treated my sibling like that, I'd be seriously re-considering the engagement.

--- End quote ---

I did talk to my brother, but he already looked upset and sad about the situation so I didn't show him. I do have all texts and emails saved, which I will show him if things get progressively worse. I didn't know I needed to prepare for a court case by saving all these documents...  :D

I would forward all the texts to my brother, tell him that brides are under a huge amount of stress, you don't intend to hold onto any grudges of any kind, but that to avoid any problems of any kind you are going to back out of the wedding.

Tell him you will always always always be as close to him as you can, but that at this time you feel it best to maintain a little distance between yourself and the bride.

And DO NOT let him gripe or express any concerns to you about anything else. If he needs someone to talk to, send him to a premarital counselor.


--- Quote from: YummyMummy66 on April 30, 2013, 07:27:24 PM ---I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispell any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"

--- End quote ---

This. I'd hold off on dropping out now- first talk to them and lay it on the line.


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