Author Topic: Ladies, I need your advice!  (Read 7720 times)

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KristinS81

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Ladies, I need your advice!
« on: April 30, 2013, 11:54:30 AM »
Hey ladies- This is my first time on this board and I need your help! I never thought I would have to post anything like this, but I need some unbiased opinions. Here is my deal and I apologize for the long rant:

So my brother started dating this girl about 2 and a half years ago and they ended up getting engaged. Since they started dating, I have probably only have been around her less than 15 times. She seemed ok, but something seemed off about her. I just chalked it up to me being a protective older sister, and I tried to keep an open mind. However, as soon as my brother "put a ring on it", her true colors have shown, and I feel as if my gut feelings are coming true.

Last September, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Her bridal party includes her cousin (MOH), and all her best friends. I felt flattered that she asked, because like I said, we don't know each other like that. I thought it was a gracious offer. I have never been in a wedding party as an adult, and by January, there had been no communication between the bridal party. I emailed the MOH to say hi, and explain that my budget for the bridal shower was $150, as my long term boyfriend and myself are in the house hunt. She never got back to me. Then in late February, the MOH sent out a group email to the BP and said that she booked the venue and needed $250 from each girl! WHAT?! Luckily, two of the other BMs spoke up, and said that they could not afford that. They also pointed out that if we were expected to contribute monetarily, we needed to be involved in the planning. I was relieved they said something, because I am the odd-ball out and didn't want to cause any waves. The MOH was heated and snapped back that she did not know how she was supposed to plan a shower on less. We all agreed on $150, and the MOH's and bride's grandmother covered the rest of the shower.

A few months ago, my brother's fiance texted me and said that the bachelorette party would be a certain weekend at the beginning of the summer. I said that it would be fine, but I immediately texted back and said that was actually the my first day of my week vacay that I already booked (I travel for work on Saturdays, so I got my dates confused). She seemed not happy, but again, not trying to cause problems I said I would try to make something work. There was talk that the b-party destination was actually 15 minutes from where I am vacationing. I was thrilled because then I could do both. Cut to two weeks ago, the MOH announced that the b-party was switched to somewhere 4 hours away from where I was staying. I told her I would not be able to stay the night and I would try to make it to the daytime festivities. Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough.

So now I'm pissed, and I really don't know what to do from here. I have a feeling that the MOH has been talking trash and trying to pin all the BP drama on me. I really don't want to go to the b-party because, honestly, I don't feel comfortable. Not only that, but I don't have the financial means to drive there, drive to my vacation, and pay for my week vacation. I feel like this is just the tip of the drama to come. What would you guys do?

jaxsue

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2013, 12:02:09 PM »
If it were me, I'd graciously (not dramatically) opt out of the bridal party. The breaking point would be the insistence that I spend money, money that is out of your budget, on this event.

I hope things go better between you and the bride-to-be in the future, but if this is an omen of things to come,  :-\.

siamesecat2965

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2013, 12:05:34 PM »
Honestly, if it were me, and I thought I could do so without making too many wavies with my brother and rest of the family, I'd simply politely bow out of being IN the wedding. She sounds like quite the bridezilla, and quite entitled.

And the fact the MOH didn't respond to your initial email re: the shower, and then basically demanded all the bridal party chip in x dollars, would make me quite angry.

I think you handled the b-party issue well too; you told her initially you would be on vacation, but would see what you could do. But when it moved 4 hours away, you did nothing wrong in declining to stay over. I probably would have just said sorry, I thought it was going to be in the 15 minute away location, but now that' its 4 hours, I won't be able to make it. And also asking her to call so you could talk to her personally was fine too.

But with all this drama, if it were me, I'd probalby decline altogether to be IN the actual wedding, as to me, it would not be worth it. If she's being like this now, I can only imagine what the actual wedding will bring.

Kaypeep

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2013, 12:11:18 PM »
Honestly, if it were me, and I thought I could do so without making too many wavies with my brother and rest of the family, I'd simply politely bow out of being IN the wedding. She sounds like quite the bridezilla, and quite entitled.

And the fact the MOH didn't respond to your initial email re: the shower, and then basically demanded all the bridal party chip in x dollars, would make me quite angry.

I think you handled the b-party issue well too; you told her initially you would be on vacation, but would see what you could do. But when it moved 4 hours away, you did nothing wrong in declining to stay over. I probably would have just said sorry, I thought it was going to be in the 15 minute away location, but now that' its 4 hours, I won't be able to make it. And also asking her to call so you could talk to her personally was fine too.

But with all this drama, if it were me, I'd probalby decline altogether to be IN the actual wedding, as to me, it would not be worth it. If she's being like this now, I can only imagine what the actual wedding will bring.

This.  Get out now and save your sanity.  If you stay she will probably still be a drama queen and find problems with you and make you miserable.  If you leave she might whine and be miserable but at least you won't spend your time and money trying to please her.  Call your brother and tell him what you're going to do.  Be polite and non-confrontational.  Play dumb and just say "I don't know what has caused these feelings with your BTB, but I think it's best I step down from the bridal party and just attend as a guest.  I don't want to add to her stress levels and the few interactions I've had with her MOH have not gone as expected and I don't want more problems down the road.  I love you, and I stand by you on your wedding day. But I'm afraid I can't stand as part of the bridal party."

LeveeWoman

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2013, 12:13:42 PM »
I agree with the others in that I'd drop out of the wedding party.

MrTango

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2013, 12:32:05 PM »
I'd also drop out.

This much drama belongs in a middle-school auditorium, not in adult relationships.


Judah

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2013, 12:34:51 PM »
I'd have a conversation with your brother in which I made it clear how much I love him, and how happy I am for him, and how much I want his wedding to be a special day. Then I'd tell him that since it seems that his bride isn't happy with me, I'll need to drop out of the wedding.
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gramma dishes

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2013, 12:40:02 PM »
Add my name to the list of those who think it may be time to politely drop out of the wedding party. 

Pen^2

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2013, 12:41:37 PM »
What everyone else has said.

Tell your brother that you are really looking forward to his wedding and are very happy for him, hope he has a great time, and all the rest. Explain how you want to support him and his fiance, and explain matter-of-factly and without any judgement whatsoever that it seems that her and your expectations are quite different, so it's become apparent that you can better support him and save her from grief by dropping out of a role that it now appears you can't fill.

Don't make it long, and stick to a neutral explanation if pressed, such as that your expectations and hers don't match, and that it would be unfair of you to commit to something you know you can't meet. Repeat if necessary. Don't go into specifics, whatever you do. The last thing you need at this stage is a big ugly stain on your relationship with a woman you'll have to be spending a lot of time around in the future. Just bite your tongue and keep things neutral and civil.

CaffeineKatie

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2013, 12:43:05 PM »
I agree--get out of the bridal party ASAP.  If you think it will make things a little less bumpy, you might say something like "I just know I can't do what I should to fulfill my duties as a bridesmaid, and I don't want to disappoint you" rather than the truth of "You are a bridezilla and your crazy MOH of trying to bleed me dry."  Maybe you could offer to do something on the day of the wedding--take charge of the gift table or guestbook or something along that line. 

ladyknight1

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #10 on: April 30, 2013, 12:55:13 PM »
I POD the other PP. I think you should excuse yourself as a bridesmaid.

This situation does sound a little odd.

TylerBelle

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #11 on: April 30, 2013, 12:57:43 PM »
Unless you really have your heart set on being in the wedding, I concur with the other posters and bow out gracefully. It sounds like since you are the one least known of the BP, you are bearing the brunt of the whatever issues crop up.

We've seen similar on here many of times where brides and the closest to them (MOHs, MOBs, aunts, etc.) get into the fog of whatever they decide - goes for attendants. Whether it be how much they are to spend, the place and time of different gatherings, etc., and if there are to be any sudden changes, such as the switching places of this bachelorette party, well, it's believed the bridal party will just have to deal with it. Not only is it not fair, it's not always doable for the BP do have lives outside the wedding they are in.

Again as mentioned, I would speak to your brother and tell him that you wish the both of them well but there are circumstances that doesn't work for you being in the bridal party now. Good luck.
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RebeccainGA

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #12 on: April 30, 2013, 01:02:53 PM »
POD everyone - get out QUICK!

SILs are funny creatures. They are new to the family, but in some ways we feel like we 'should' treat them exactly the same as any existing member of the family. Be as welcoming as you can be, but don't think that makes you have to be a doormat. This one seems like a real piece of work, and I can only hope it's just bridzilla-itis and not a true reflection of who she is - some women seem to have been fed the BWW tripe for so long they just go nuts.

bah12

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #13 on: April 30, 2013, 01:06:21 PM »
I also agree that option out of the wedding party seems like the best option at this time.  But, I also think that now, you have to consider how you're going to move forward with your SIL to be.  Chances are very high that she will be in your life for quite some time, and trying to make some amends with her, may go a long way.  I don't think that means that you have to be best friends or do what she wants.  You don't.  But it may help if you try to set the stage, at least, for your future relationship to be civil, even if distant. 

I'm not really sure how to go forward from here.  You can start by talking to your brother and getting his perspective.  Then maybe write or say something to your SIL along the lines of:  "I truly was surprised to hear that your impression is that I don't care about your wedding.  I absolutely care about you and my brother and am fully supportive of your relationship and you having the wedding that will make you happy.  That being said, the truth is, the wedding party costs are out of my budget.  I was so flattered that you had asked me to be in your wedding party that I didn't consider the strain on my finances or how that would affect you and the other bridesmaids.  For that reason, I think the best thing would be for me to bow out now.  I still would like to help you prepare in any way that I can and am looking forward to your wedding and welcoming you into our family.  I hope you understand where I am coming from and know that my decision has no bearing on how I feel about you as a person."

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #14 on: April 30, 2013, 01:20:08 PM »
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.