Author Topic: Ladies, I need your advice!  (Read 7764 times)

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GSNW

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #15 on: April 30, 2013, 01:24:44 PM »
Run for your life.  I agree with PPs that you can tell your brother the bit about expectations and abilities not matching up, and you can add that you don't want to put stress on the bride ... bla bla bla.  If this is how she treats you when she barely knows you, I am worried for what's down the road when she gets a little more comfortable. 

AvidReader

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2013, 01:39:00 PM »
I'm in complete agreement with the others.  Get.out.now.  CaffeineKatie expressed it the best.  The only thing I would add would be to express having been flattered to be asked to be in the bridal party.  The less said, the cleaner your exit, the better.  There is no need to enumerate the issues that have arisen which would leave you open to her JADE-ing (justifying, arguing, defending, excusing) or turning it on you to JADE. 

Please decline your role in a phone call or a face-to-face conversation (if that is possible) ASAP with the BTB.  It is classier than an email. 

She may complain about you to the other bridesmaids but at least she won't have an email that will make the rounds.   And I wouldn't take the specific issues (b-party location, costs, lack of communication) to anyone else in the family....they may work their way back to the BTB...and who would need that drama?

And be sure to provide an update.

Shoo

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2013, 01:47:01 PM »
This is only the beginning.  Get out now while you still have your sanity (and some money). 

*inviteseller

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #18 on: April 30, 2013, 01:51:42 PM »
RUNRUNRUN!!!!  You aren't being included in anything other than when they need money ($250 a person for the bridal shower????? ).  I would call her, not a text and not through your brother and tell her that you are sorry she feels that way (non apology apology works well here) and you no longer feel comfortable being part of the wedding party.  Personally, I feel you can make a better attempt at some sort of relationship with her if you don't get caught up in her (and her MOH's) bridezilla stuff.

TootsNYC

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #19 on: April 30, 2013, 01:55:18 PM »
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."

Janice

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #20 on: April 30, 2013, 01:59:29 PM »
Danger, Will Robinson! As other posters have said, this is your prime opportunity to graciously bow out of being in the drama-fest, er, wedding party.

I know there's often a lot of sentiment that the bridal party should just suck it up and deal, because it's the bride's "special day", but that doesn't give the bride the right to treat people rudely or ungraciously without any consequences. One common consequence of rude behavior is that people may decline to do you favors. If my SIL treated me like this over the wedding, my response would be to politely decline to participate in the bridal party. If she then chose to make my declining to be a doormat a lifelong issue, that's her problem, not mine.

It sounds like your SIL still has lots of time before the wedding and has other attendants, so I don't think you'll be leaving her in the lurch. She may have a hissy over you opting out, but if you stay in, you know it's only going to get worse. Set up a phone call or face to face meeting and simply say that you're very sorry but due to circumstances beyond your control you're not able to meet her expectations for the bridesmaid role and you're stepping out of the role, but you wish her and your brother the very best. Don't JADE or put up with her throwing a tantrum - if she screams or starts a tirade, simply leave.

I might have a private conversation with your brother but DON'T criticize his fiancee, which will only put him on the defensive. Instead, simply repeat what you said to your SIL - that circumstances have changed and you're not able to participate in the bridal party, but you're looking forward to the wedding and wish them the best.

SamiHami

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2013, 02:04:03 PM »
I suspect that your brother is the one who told her that she should include you in the wedding party, and that she's not particularly happy about it. That would go a long way in explaining why you are being treated so shabbily.

Regardless of the reasons, however, you are being treated shabbily and you need to put a stop to it. While one or two posters say this pulling out of the wedding would be the nuclear option, I think that it would go a long way in establishing with her that you have boundaries with regard to how you are willing to be treated. This person will be in your life forever, so it's good to establish early on that you won't be treated badly.

I would graciously bow out right now and attend as a guest only. I would not make excuses to her and would not JADE; I would simply tell her that it doesn't seem to be working out and that you have decided to be a guest rather than an attendant.

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WillyNilly

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #22 on: April 30, 2013, 02:13:27 PM »
I don't think dropping out of the BP will do anything to smooth the bachelorette party issue - as sister of the groom you would be expected to attend that whether you were a BM or not. Dropping out will only tick off the bride more I think. And possibly stress out your brother.

I think what needs to happen is you need to sit down face to face with some people. Or at the very least have some phone conversations. You should speak - not email - with the rest of the bridal party or at least the MOH. Approach the situation calmly and have a smile on your face (even if on the phone - people can hear a smile!) I think sitting down with the bride (perhaps lunch with her and your brother) is a good idea too.

The reality is often people will not tell the bride the full story of whats going on among the BP in the misguided attempt to reduce drama, but the stress of wedding planning tends to have the result that the bride fills in the gaps with her own worst case scenario ideas and the drama is amped up. So the MOH may have mentioned your email with the $150 budget at one point, then at another point let it slip that the BP balked at the price of the chosen location, without mentioning it was 2 other BM's, and so the bride connected the dots and assumed it was all you. Not malicious, but very much a misunderstanding. It also possible there was some sort of misunderstanding about the bachelorette party as well - maybe you were inadvertently left off a planning email or something and so everyone thought the date was settled.

Janice

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #23 on: April 30, 2013, 02:28:15 PM »
Quote
Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough.

This doesn't sound to me like somebody who has been kept out of the loop and is trying to be reasonable. It sounds more like a junior high school girl pitching a fit over not being the center of attention. Come on..."not trying hard enough?" If she'd said "I really feel that you're not interested in helping out and I am disappointed about X and Y" that would be one thing, but texting a tirade and refusing to be specific just screams "Narcissist" to me.

I think you need a sit down conversation with the bride and I still think removing yourself politely from this situation is best for all concerned. Having dealt with toxic and narcissistic family members, I can tell you that somebody like this will ALWAYS create drama and tension over something, and appeasing them/being a doormat just makes everything worse. Decline, enjoy your vacation and attend the wedding with a smile and a nice gift.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #24 on: April 30, 2013, 02:33:22 PM »
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."

I agree with these two posts. I think dropping out at this stage will cause problems for a long time.

TootsNYC

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #25 on: April 30, 2013, 02:37:18 PM »
Oh, in that conversation? And with  your brother?

You are not required to be spending money to make someone else's wedding perfect. It's a generous thing for you to be willing to spend $150 on the shower. The shower is not the wedding.

And anyway, it's not your wedding.

As for the bachelorette party? Absolutely you have no requirement to "do enough."

This is not your wedding.

Keep saying that: "this is not my wedding." "I'm just a bridesmaid."

misha412

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #26 on: April 30, 2013, 03:12:54 PM »
Hey ladies- This is my first time on this board and I need your help! I never thought I would have to post anything like this, but I need some unbiased opinions. Here is my deal and I apologize for the long rant:

So my brother started dating this girl about 2 and a half years ago and they ended up getting engaged. Since they started dating, I have probably only have been around her less than 15 times. She seemed ok, but something seemed off about her. I just chalked it up to me being a protective older sister, and I tried to keep an open mind. However, as soon as my brother "put a ring on it", her true colors have shown, and I feel as if my gut feelings are coming true.

Last September, she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Her bridal party includes her cousin (MOH), and all her best friends. I felt flattered that she asked, because like I said, we don't know each other like that. I thought it was a gracious offer. I have never been in a wedding party as an adult, and by January, there had been no communication between the bridal party. I emailed the MOH to say hi, and explain that my budget for the bridal shower was $150, as my long term boyfriend and myself are in the house hunt. She never got back to me. Then in late February, the MOH sent out a group email to the BP and said that she booked the venue and needed $250 from each girl! WHAT?! Luckily, two of the other BMs spoke up, and said that they could not afford that. They also pointed out that if we were expected to contribute monetarily, we needed to be involved in the planning. I was relieved they said something, because I am the odd-ball out and didn't want to cause any waves. The MOH was heated and snapped back that she did not know how she was supposed to plan a shower on less. We all agreed on $150, and the MOH's and bride's grandmother covered the rest of the shower.

A few months ago, my brother's fiance texted me and said that the bachelorette party would be a certain weekend at the beginning of the summer. I said that it would be fine, but I immediately texted back and said that was actually the my first day of my week vacay that I already booked (I travel for work on Saturdays, so I got my dates confused). She seemed not happy, but again, not trying to cause problems I said I would try to make something work. There was talk that the b-party destination was actually 15 minutes from where I am vacationing. I was thrilled because then I could do both. Cut to two weeks ago, the MOH announced that the b-party was switched to somewhere 4 hours away from where I was staying. I told her I would not be able to stay the night and I would try to make it to the daytime festivities. Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough.

So now I'm pissed, and I really don't know what to do from here. I have a feeling that the MOH has been talking trash and trying to pin all the BP drama on me. I really don't want to go to the b-party because, honestly, I don't feel comfortable. Not only that, but I don't have the financial means to drive there, drive to my vacation, and pay for my week vacation. I feel like this is just the tip of the drama to come. What would you guys do?

My first reaction is to get out of the wedding party as soon as possible. She sounds like a drama queen who wants everyone to bend over backwards to make her wedding "perfect." It doesn't matter if you have a life to live and a budget you have to follow, her day is what your world must revolve around apparently.

However, for long-term family relations, I think you need to at least make an attempt to resolve the situation before dropping out.

Sit down with your brother and talk about it. He has likely heard an earful from his BTB. Tell him your side and see how he thinks you should handle it. While your brother should not be put in the middle of choosing sides, getting his perspective can help. Then, I would sit down with the BTB and talk it out. Show her emails, other evidence, etc. Tell her you do not know what caused the misunderstanding, but you fully support the wedding and want to be a part of the happy day.

At this point, her reaction will tell you your next course of action. If she remains the drama queen who cannot see reason or understand that the world does not revolve around the wedding, I would step out of the wedding party immediately. If she says everything is okay to your face, and remains the drama queen behind your back, I would step out of the wedding party. If you have to step out of the wedding party, I would quietly make it known to anyone who asks that you had to step out due to budget and expectation problems.

If she actually acts like an adult and realizes communications broke down and things are not as dramatic as it seems, stay in the wedding party for the sake of maintaining a civil relationship with your brother and STB SIL.

BeagleMommy

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #27 on: April 30, 2013, 03:15:58 PM »
I like Toots' reply.

I think you should sit down and talk with your brother AND the BTB about what's going on with the MOH.  The fact that other bridesmaids had to tell her they couldn't afford the amount of the shower means she's making plans without consulting anyone.

guihong

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #28 on: April 30, 2013, 03:18:59 PM »
I would sit down with your brother and his BTB and in a non-accusatory way go over the misunderstandings.   This will tell you what you need to do, but my gut feeling is "Run!"  Do it gracefully, but bow out of being a bridesmaid.  Perhaps if you still want to be involved in the wedding, offer a compromise such as watching the guestbook or serving punch.



TootsNYC

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #29 on: April 30, 2013, 03:28:10 PM »
Also, when you talk to your brother (and to the bride), point out that you were not alone in having a budget that was smaller, and that the *other* bridesmaids were the ones who balked at not being included in the planning.