Author Topic: Ladies, I need your advice!  (Read 7824 times)

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Quiltin Nana

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #30 on: April 30, 2013, 03:38:45 PM »
Oh, in that conversation? And with  your brother?

You are not required to be spending money to make someone else's wedding perfect. It's a generous thing for you to be willing to spend $150 on the shower. The shower is not the wedding.

And anyway, it's not your wedding.

As for the bachelorette party? Absolutely you have no requirement to "do enough."

This is not your wedding.

Keep saying that: "this is not my wedding." "I'm just a bridesmaid."

I so agree with this.  I hear other BM moaning about how much money they are expected to come up with to fund showers, bachorlette parties, and other events.  I tell them, they only have to get the dress, shoes, have their hair presentable, and show up for the rehearsal, wedding and reception.  Anything else is just fluff.  Nice, but not necessary. 

bopper

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #31 on: April 30, 2013, 03:55:47 PM »
If they make plans without you, they make plans without you.

I would maybe talk to my brother about all this and tell him that you will call his fiance on the phone and explain that you want to participate, but when they make plans without consulting you then they can't get mad you are not available. 
Yes, it might be nice to have a shower at a restaurant, but one at someone's home may be what is affordable.


Eden

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #32 on: April 30, 2013, 03:59:52 PM »
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."

I agree with these two posts. I think dropping out at this stage will cause problems for a long time.

I'm leaning this way for now. It doesn't sound like, other than the text, there has been anything amiss with the SIL to be. I think it's possible the MOH has not communicated things accurately to the bride. I vote for a calm, positive conversation with the bride and groom as these PPs said.

TootsNYC

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #33 on: April 30, 2013, 04:11:48 PM »
Also, if the bride (or the MOH, or even your brother) starts to criticize you, choose your tone of voice carefully.

Be bewildered. Don't be defensive or argumentative.

Be confused--and ask a lot of questions.

But how can you be expected to attend a bachelorette party 4 hours away from where you are? How can the bachelorette party be ruined if you can't make it? aren't there other people? How can someone expect you to fork over even more money than you have already volunteered?

How can "not having more than $150 to pitch in for a bridal shower" be defined as "not caring"? Especially since you volunteered it before anyone even asked--doesn't that indicate that you're excited?

Why does your enthusiasm have to be measured in a monetary way?
But isn't this her wedding, not yours?

Everything you say in your defense should be a question. Sort of like, "Isn't this a fact? I guess I don't see how it's not true."

rigs32

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #34 on: April 30, 2013, 04:12:51 PM »
I completely agree that you need to have a sit down with bro and SIL-to-be.  If you just meet with her, I bet it turns into a she said, she said issue.  If you're all at the table, no one can spin what was said.

JenJay

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #35 on: April 30, 2013, 04:36:48 PM »
I understand why people are saying not to drop out yet. If you'd like to be in the wedding that's definitely the way to go!

My concern would be that this is just the beginning and the money and time demands will get worse. I mean, $250 for the shower venue? Being mad because you don't want to drive 8 hours to attend the bachelorette party? If there's a good chance you'll have to drop out eventually I think sooner is better than later because at least it won't be leaving her and the other women in the lurch.

I'd contact her and, to preserve the relationship, say "I've given it some thought and I feel terrible that I'm not able to contribute to the wedding as much as you need me to. Unfortunately my budget is tight and I truly can't afford to do more. I think it would be in everyone's best interest if I stepped down so that you can invite someone else to fill my spot."

WillyNilly

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #36 on: April 30, 2013, 04:57:03 PM »
One big reason to not just drop out of the BP right away is, of 3 issues, two of them have been with the MOH, not the bride. The MOH is the one who ignored the budget email, and tried to plan a pricey shower. And the MOH is the one who informed the OP that the bachelorette location had changed (and presumably informed the bride the OP could not spend the night).

OP you will be related to this woman for years. She might be the parent of your nieces and nephews. She will be at holidays and if you get married, presumably at your wedding. She will be there when your family had hard times, like deaths, and good times, like weddings and births. Don't throw a wrench in that relationship over her friend, the MOH's, behavior.

Calistoga

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #37 on: April 30, 2013, 05:15:10 PM »
One big reason to not just drop out of the BP right away is, of 3 issues, two of them have been with the MOH, not the bride. The MOH is the one who ignored the budget email, and tried to plan a pricey shower. And the MOH is the one who informed the OP that the bachelorette location had changed (and presumably informed the bride the OP could not spend the night).

OP you will be related to this woman for years. She might be the parent of your nieces and nephews. She will be at holidays and if you get married, presumably at your wedding. She will be there when your family had hard times, like deaths, and good times, like weddings and births. Don't throw a wrench in that relationship over her friend, the MOH's, behavior.

POD this. The bride is, most likely, getting bad information from her MOH and reacting based on that. She was kinda...ok, pretty, hateful when she spoke to you... but as she said, she's been hearing other stories from other people that aren't matching up. While it's sad that she's listening to these people instead of you, you might be able to fix that.

Instead of letting MOH act as a go between, try talking to the bride directly when possible. It should help to keep things from getting lost in translation. Of course this isn't always going to be possible, but in instances where you think MOH might twist things, talk to the bride as well.


Kaypeep

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #38 on: April 30, 2013, 05:49:36 PM »
OP - I declined being in my brother's wedding party.  I just had my reasons, and I don't regret it at all.  I know my SIL was miffed, as was her mother and sister. (In their culture, it's unheard of to decline being a bridesmaid for family!)  But my point is that my SIL is a reasonable person.  She got over it and she can rely on my more than any of the 3 people who stood up with her that day.  It's just one day.  OP, you said you had a bad feeling from the start about her and she's proven you right.  I honestly think no matter what you do she will be unreasonable, ungrateful or just a general drama llama.  So while some of the PP's have some reasonable advice about trying to stay in the wedding party, I still say I think you should back out.  Save your sanity and the potential for more drama because I guarantee with this woman you are in a no-win situation.  And if I'm wrong, time will tell and you can still have a good relationship with her even if you weren't a bridesmaid.  This woman is joining your family and she's made no effort to be reasonable with you.  I don't think you should have to be the bigger person here and try to work things out with her and stay in the bridal party.  Back out and still treat her well in life from this day forward, because the wedding is one day but after that it's forever and it's the non-wedding days that will really prove everyone's metal.

JenJay

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #39 on: April 30, 2013, 05:57:28 PM »
The part that concerns me, with regard to staying in the wedding, is this:
"Literally 20 minutes later, my brother's fiance texted me a novel chewing me out. She said that I didn't give a sh*t about her wedding and that I've had issues with it from the beginning. That I was not contributing enough and that if it was "my best friend's or sister's wedding, I would be spending more time and money to make sure everything was perfect". I responded in an adult manner stating that I have NO idea where she got that impression from and I was really taken aback by her text. I also told her that if she has a problem with me, then please call me instead of texing and I would be happy to have a conversation with her. She just replied back that what I was telling her wasn't matching up with what "she's been hearing from others" and that she doesn't believe I've been trying hard enough."

I can cut the bride a lot of slack if she had received bad information, called OP, and said "Hey, what's going on? I'm hearing that you don't want to participate in the pre-wedding stuff. Is everything okay?" To text someone a curse-filled rant is way over the top, in my opinion. I wouldn't appreciate that she'd just blithely accept a 3rd party's nasty account of what I hadn't been doing and then turned around and ripped into me over it.

I probably would give it one more chance. Sit down with her and my brother in person and say "Let's lay all the cards on the table here. This is what I can afford, period. I can put it towards the shower or the dress or whatever you want but that's all I've got. I can also attend This function and That one but unfortunately I'll be 4 hours away during the bachelorette and can't make it. If you need your wedding party to contribute more I completely understand and I'll step down so that someone else can do that for you."

If that still wasn't good enough I'd absolutely get out of there as quickly and as diplomatically as possible. I wouldn't worry that stepping down would irrevocably damage our relationship forever because, in all honesty, if somebody needs me to be at their beck and call or else then we're not going to have a good relationship anyway. Might as well get that sorted out right from the beginning.  ;)

Just Lori

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #40 on: April 30, 2013, 06:10:32 PM »
To the OP - if you're not ready to step down, then I suggest putting the ball squarely into her court.  Ask her, "What do you want me to do?"  This often puts the accuser off-balance, because she wants you to grovel and beg for forgiveness.  If she says, "I want you to go along with everything MOH wants to do for the wedding," you have an opportunity to say that perhaps it's best that you step down now and let her choose another bridesmaid who has the means to fulfill that request.  If she says she wants you to come to the bachelorette party, you put her words back to her - "You want me to drive four hours during my vacation and four hours back in one day?  If I weren't on vacation, I would be happy to make the trip.  I would be happy to pitch in some money for the festivities and be there in spirit."

As far as what's being said about the OP, how about saying, "Please feel free to ask me to clarify or confirm anything I supposedly said.  I'd love to talk about this."  Again, the responsibility is back on her to have an adult conversation, rather than a middle school squabble.


lovepickles

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #41 on: April 30, 2013, 07:07:11 PM »
I would not involve your brother unless he specifically approaches you. I can respect that some posters would be unwilling to pull themselves out of the wedding entirely but I would not endure it after her abusive and ill-informed texts. She is indicating that she is emotionally unstable and putting up with it for the sake of a future relationship is just going to set a precedent for the rest of the time you know her. Stop the madness.

Dear "X". Thank you for the opportunity to be your bridesmaid. I appreciate the thought. Unfortunately I will not be able to perform these duties. I wish you the best of luck. I look forward to attending and celebrating your big day! Love, Me.

Get her a decent gift and allow her to say and think whatever she pleases without your involvement. I'm not a fan of explanations or apologies in a situation like this. Just a simple polite decline. I wouldn't give this woman ANYTHING to dig little hooks into and assign further blame. Once her bridezilla with you wears off I'm sure she'll turn to something else.

KristinS81

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #42 on: April 30, 2013, 07:08:07 PM »
Thanks guys for all your opinions and advice. I really needed this because it's been driving me nuts and I have found myself questioning "Is it me?!". There could have been many things she could have done to make this easier- She could have won me over if she would just have picked up the phone and had a mature conversation with me. I did play it "dumb" with my text back, because honestly, I had no idea what she was talking about. I even asked her to cite specifics so I could understand her point of view. She never did and just kept giving rude, vague answers. I also told her that since she is going to be my SIL, I would hope that she would give me the benefit of the doubt and ASK me, rather than believe rumors from others or whatever ideas she created in her own head.
My brother's fiance is also trying to take him for his money. I know this, and I can see this. I know their finances is none of my business, but when she showed me the mini-mansion she wants him to buy, my mouth practically dropped on the floor! They make no where enough to afford that. Again, it is none of my business and my brother is a big boy that needs to grow a pair. It's just that I gathered that she is VERY materialistic, so I'm sure this drama isn't just the MOH by herself. I did talk to my brother- I told him 98% of the story because he looked like he had his tail between his legs, and I've never seen my bro like this. He apologized for her behavior, but I told him that she needs to be a big girl and talk to me directly.
The shower is this Sunday, so I think I'm just going to see what the "vibes" are once I get there and then make my decision about remaining in the bridal party. I'm NOT going to the b-party, but I am going to wait until after the shower to tell SIL, so there won't be any drama this weekend. Lord, I'm going to have to bring my flask!  :P
Passive-agressive behavior, especially over technology drives me bat-sh*t crazy!!
« Last Edit: April 30, 2013, 07:09:58 PM by KristinS81 »

TootsNYC

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #43 on: April 30, 2013, 07:24:54 PM »
(FYI, that's not "passive-aggressive" behavior, because there's nothing passive about it. That's "selfish aggressive" or "falsely wounded aggressive.")

JenJay

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #44 on: April 30, 2013, 07:37:29 PM »
It sounds like the two of you don't care for each other and her asking/your accepting was maybe a formality for your brother's sake. It's time to call her and be upfront about how much time & money you can contribute and see if she's going to accept that or have you step down. The back and forth will only get uglier.