Author Topic: Ladies, I need your advice!  (Read 6572 times)

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rain

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #45 on: April 30, 2013, 07:37:36 PM »
Well let me be the dissenting vote here...don't back out of being in the wedding.

Have a sit down (perhaps lunch) with the BTB.  Explain how excited you are to be in the bridal party and you had certainly planned on participating in the shower, bachelor party and whatever other events are connected to this grand event.

HOWEVER, you were told one thing then another.  You have not been kept in the loop about finances, locations, planning, etc.  Be sure to emphasize your joy with being in the wedding and wanting to do your part with the other events. 

This is a woman that is going to be in your life - probably forever (even if they ever get divorced and I'm not hoping that they do).  I think you are well served to bite your tongue now and not add drama that may well follow you the rest of your life with your brother.  Again, tell her how excited you are to be part of this wonderful wedding.   

And I am NOT saying that anything is your fault, just saying you might want to hold your tongue with a pair of pliers and clear the air with your new SIL to be now so the future with your bro at least starts off peacefully.

I agree with this.

I think dropping out of the wedding party is the nuclear option. A last resort.

She left you an opening, that what she's hearing from you doesn't match w/ what she's hearing from other people

So FIRST talk to your brother. Tell him everything, in a non-accusatory way. Print out an email from the MOH if necessary. Tell him that you want him to know that your attitude is, "I'm exciting for you, happy in your choice of bride, was eager to be part of things--so eager that I sent my budget info to the MOH right away!"

Then tell him that you're going to sit down with his bride and explain these things to her as well, but that you wanted him to know straight from you.

Then call her--don't text, your instinct is right there--and say that you're concerned she's not hearing the same thing that you're saying, and that you don't want to communicate with her through a middleman. Can you meet?

Then say to her, "I'm happy for the wedding, and I don't want this unpleasantness and imprecision to sour things." Then lay out the timeline. Print out emails if necessary.

And tell her that no matter what someone else is deciding based on their communication with you, your own attitude, straight from you to her, is that you are happy about the wedding, willing to participate, bummed that the party was rescheduled so that you simply can't make it.

And then say, "I don't want to be where I'm not welcome. If these things, and my explanation, mean that me being in the wedding party is a negative thing, then I absolutely will step down, no hard feelings. You should be happy with your bridal party. If you can't be happy with having me in it, of course I should step out."


I agree with Toots & Redneck Gravy
"oh we thank thee lord for the things we need, like the wind and the rain and the apple seed"

LeveeWoman

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #46 on: April 30, 2013, 07:42:54 PM »
Thanks guys for all your opinions and advice. I really needed this because it's been driving me nuts and I have found myself questioning "Is it me?!". There could have been many things she could have done to make this easier- She could have won me over if she would just have picked up the phone and had a mature conversation with me. I did play it "dumb" with my text back, because honestly, I had no idea what she was talking about. I even asked her to cite specifics so I could understand her point of view. She never did and just kept giving rude, vague answers. I also told her that since she is going to be my SIL, I would hope that she would give me the benefit of the doubt and ASK me, rather than believe rumors from others or whatever ideas she created in her own head.
My brother's fiance is also trying to take him for his money. I know this, and I can see this. I know their finances is none of my business, but when she showed me the mini-mansion she wants him to buy, my mouth practically dropped on the floor! They make no where enough to afford that. Again, it is none of my business and my brother is a big boy that needs to grow a pair. It's just that I gathered that she is VERY materialistic, so I'm sure this drama isn't just the MOH by herself. I did talk to my brother- I told him 98% of the story because he looked like he had his tail between his legs, and I've never seen my bro like this. He apologized for her behavior, but I told him that she needs to be a big girl and talk to me directly.
The shower is this Sunday, so I think I'm just going to see what the "vibes" are once I get there and then make my decision about remaining in the bridal party. I'm NOT going to the b-party, but I am going to wait until after the shower to tell SIL, so there won't be any drama this weekend. Lord, I'm going to have to bring my flask!  :P
Passive-agressive behavior, especially over technology drives me bat-sh*t crazy!!

This sounds like a good plan.

*inviteseller

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #47 on: April 30, 2013, 07:47:20 PM »
It does sound like you got an invite into the bridal party just because you are grooms sister.  They want you to do more, but they don't include you in any planning, just send you a bill and expect you to be fine with it (again $250 a person????  where the heck is this shower?  Buckingham Palace???)  I don't think it is going to get any better...in fact it is going to get worse (and more expensive) as the wedding gets closer and more demands are made.  I still say graciously pull out now.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #48 on: April 30, 2013, 08:27:24 PM »
I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispell any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"

gmatoy

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #49 on: April 30, 2013, 08:41:42 PM »
OP, you've gotten a lot of good suggestions and advice. One of the things I really appreciate on this forum is the variety of advice and the reasons that posters give for their advice. I just wanted you to be aware of the fact that some of our members are not female. And, in my opinion, they often give advice that is spot-on! So, you might not want to limit your audience to just "Ladies" in the future!

KristinS81

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #50 on: April 30, 2013, 08:51:45 PM »
OP, you've gotten a lot of good suggestions and advice. One of the things I really appreciate on this forum is the variety of advice and the reasons that posters give for their advice. I just wanted you to be aware of the fact that some of our members are not female. And, in my opinion, they often give advice that is spot-on! So, you might not want to limit your audience to just "Ladies" in the future!

I have, indeed! I did just figure out half way through that it's not just ladie- Haha! My apologies- Thanks ladies AND gentlemen!  ;)

Autumn Rose

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #51 on: April 30, 2013, 10:09:32 PM »
You have a choice.     one that will reflect on you the rest of his married life.  (and possibly beyond)

if you drop out....you will have "chose NOT to be in the wedding"...and no matter what...the blame will lie with you.   

if you do what she wishes....that gives her carte Blanche to run all over you.

begin this relationship as you would like to see it 10 years from now.
respectful.   Loving.   Boundary setting.

do the best you can do for your brother and sil.  Politely explain your position. 

But do not place yourself in a bad situation to accomodAte their demands.

If at all possible...make it a win win..

Otherwise....smile...be polite...and love them from afar. 

gramma dishes

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #52 on: April 30, 2013, 10:23:18 PM »

...   I probably would give it one more chance. Sit down with her and my brother in person and say "Let's lay all the cards on the table here. This is what I can afford, period. I can put it towards the shower or the dress or whatever you want but that's all I've got. I can also attend This function and That one but unfortunately I'll be 4 hours away during the bachelorette and can't make it. If you need your wedding party to contribute more I completely understand and I'll step down so that someone else can do that for you."    ...



I like this. 

It lays on the line what you're willing and able to do and what you simply cannot do and it includes them both.  It puts the ball in their court.  Your decision as to what to do next will depend on the reaction of your brother and the BTB.

zyrs

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #53 on: April 30, 2013, 11:42:41 PM »
I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispel any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"

I think this is a great idea.

You take out the "she said - she said" nonsense.  You show her you are a good relative and you model behavior that your brother may need to learn.  Win-win.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #54 on: April 30, 2013, 11:48:23 PM »
Just out of curiousity, did you show your brother the abusive text from his Bride-to-Be? (Because that's what it was, full of nasty accusations and swear-words - an abusive text).

If so, how did your brother react?

I know that if my fiance ever treated my sibling like that, I'd be seriously re-considering the engagement.

finecabernet

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #55 on: May 01, 2013, 12:10:59 AM »
Unfortunately you are in a complete no-win situation. 20 years ago I participated in my brother's wedding. I did everything asked, paid all money required, and was not included in anything (dress choice, bridal shower, bachelorette, getting dressed before the wedding...absolutely nothing). I shrugged it off, put a big smile on my face...and years later was accused of being "horrible" to my SIL at said wedding (no specifics of "horrible" behavior given).

I have no words of wisdom except to say that it is not you. I'd say go with what your heart says, because unfortunately MOH for  whatever reason has thrown you under a bus, and SIL doesn't sound like she wants your side of the story. So stay true to what you want (and remember...it is NOT YOU!).

Geekychick1984

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #56 on: May 01, 2013, 07:12:54 AM »
If she keeps treating you like this, I agree with others who say opting out of the bridal party is best.  Yes, she will be family, but that doesn't mean she has more leeway to be abusive.  I think it's absurd that she (and/or MOH) is demanding so much from you and treating you so badly. 

KristinS81

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #57 on: May 01, 2013, 08:35:29 AM »
Just out of curiousity, did you show your brother the abusive text from his Bride-to-Be? (Because that's what it was, full of nasty accusations and swear-words - an abusive text).

If so, how did your brother react?

I know that if my fiance ever treated my sibling like that, I'd be seriously re-considering the engagement.

I did talk to my brother, but he already looked upset and sad about the situation so I didn't show him. I do have all texts and emails saved, which I will show him if things get progressively worse. I didn't know I needed to prepare for a court case by saving all these documents...  :D

hyzenthlay

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #58 on: May 01, 2013, 11:27:04 PM »
I would forward all the texts to my brother, tell him that brides are under a huge amount of stress, you don't intend to hold onto any grudges of any kind, but that to avoid any problems of any kind you are going to back out of the wedding.

Tell him you will always always always be as close to him as you can, but that at this time you feel it best to maintain a little distance between yourself and the bride.

And DO NOT let him gripe or express any concerns to you about anything else. If he needs someone to talk to, send him to a premarital counselor.

Winterlight

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Re: Ladies, I need your advice!
« Reply #59 on: May 02, 2013, 09:38:08 AM »
I don't think you should just back out of the wedding.

Does your brother and his fiancee live close to you? 

What I would do is go over when you know they are both home and talk to both of them at the same time.

This way, the fiancee' cannot say that you said anything you did not say.

Start out, "Mike, I wanted to come over and talk to both of you because there seems to be some confusion and I do not want to start your wedding off with hurt feelings.  Mindy, as far as the b-party, here is the deal.  I had already planned and booked my vacation way before you booked your party. I am sorry, but since you changed your venue, I simply cannot make it.  It has nothing to do with you personally. I would have loved to attend and I hope you have  a great time!"

You stated in your text that you have been hearing things.  Can we discuss those things now so that I can dispell any myths or untruths that someone is apparently spreading?  I am here to talk to you in person and I hope that as my future SIL that we can always discuss things between ourselves and not automatically believe what someone else is saying.

Put the ball in her court in front of your brother. This way, she cannot say that you did this or that, because he can always say, "well, did you hear it from her mouth?  Remember that talk way back when?"

This. I'd hold off on dropping out now- first talk to them and lay it on the line.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls