Author Topic: Between a rock and a hard place (update post 43)  (Read 15421 times)

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Hmmmmm

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #15 on: May 01, 2013, 11:00:58 AM »
From the other thread, which you linked to, it's not clear to me if you still live there. 

That's an old thread: I linked it mostly to avoid explaining about the third cat and why I'm hoping they don't get it back.
I'm currently moving out: I meant to use this week to get most of the sorting and packing done. Let's say it's not going according to plan.

All the PP who suggested DF should stay at his/our flat: I already tried last time, but DF refuses to leave me here on my own - it's not isolated, but it's still a detached house, which is seen as more dangerous than flats over here.

About "you owe us": it's probably about "all the things we did for you and all the sacrifices we made and we always gave you everything you wanted" and so on and so forth.
Some day I'll have to start a whole topic about my mother the disappointed martyr, but it's better if I don't get into it right now.

I guess there's really no way to keep everybody happy this time. I just hope my parents can understand this.

I don't think there is anyway to make everyone happy, especially you.

But I will say I don't think it's fare to critique your parent's not clearing their vacation schedule around your DF's schedule unless they had some expressed a desire to have him pet sit too. From your posts, it sounds like you live there full time and they were expecting you to take care of the animals while they are gone. Is it their expectation your DF would move in with you while they were gone? If you hadn't had a DF that could stay with you while gone, would they have not traveled?


rashea

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #16 on: May 01, 2013, 11:18:05 AM »
I agree with everyone else that there's nothing you can do this time. I think you can have a conversation once you move out. You can tell them that you're not willing to pet sit for them anymore at all, or you can put conditions on it. You might suggest that they need to get the dogs leash trained regardless.

I do think you owe them to pet sit if you're still living there. And your DF either needs to suck it up, or go stay somewhere he can sleep.

May the gods help me if I try to sleep in, so I do understand. Animals simply don't want to wait.
"Manners change, principles don't. It's about treating people with consideration, respect and honesty." Peter Post

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Deetee

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2013, 11:33:43 AM »
As you still live in the house, I think this is a reasonable request on the part of your parents. Once you move out, which sounds like it is soon, this becomes a more significant request. Your fiance is choosing to stay with you which is nice but he doesn't need to be there so he can choose to stay or choose to sleep. You can also take turns on pet duty so only one of you is dealing with them at a time.

Last_Dance

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2013, 12:22:43 PM »
Guys, I don't live at home anymore, some of my clothes and some of my books, which I am trying to pack, live at home.
And I certainly don't plan to leave the cats and dogs high and dry right now, it's just that my DF and I would like things to change, but my parents don't because I "owe them" and, let's face, things are working out pretty well for them. 

Is it their expectation your DF would move in with you while they were gone?

Yes.

If you hadn't had a DF that could stay with you while gone, would they have not traveled?

That's hard to say, really. They have traveled without me before, but a) I was younger, b) it was very rare, c) we only had two (different) cats. My grandmother came to stay with me twice and the third time I invited a friend over - it was just for a short time anyway, not 2 or 3 weeks.

I understand this is a stressful situation but honestly, your DF is choosing to stay there because he doesn't trust you to be safe as a adult, with 2 dogs in a home. Personally I wouldn't tolerate any complaints from someone who chooses to be miserable while simultaneously calling me incompetent. You lock the doors and be aware of your surroundings, of course, but surely other people spend time alone in houses and aren't all instantly victims.



What can I say, we're a very nervous, very cowardly bunch  ;D
We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance.

bah12

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #19 on: May 01, 2013, 12:35:17 PM »
I'm with the others.  You are your DF are adults and don't need to be a unit 100% of the time.  Right now, you have a commitment to your parents to care for the cats and dogs.  If this doesn't work for your DF, he has two choices:  1.  Suck it up or 2. Go back to your flat where he can better sleep and not interfere with his work.  At this point, there is nothing that either you or your parents can do to fix this immediate situation.  It's his problem to solv and the solution seems very simple.

In the future, if this is something that you aren't willing to do, then you have to say "no."  You don't owe your parents anything...and even if you did for some reasion, your DF certainly does not.  These are your commitments, not his.  You neither need his permission to house/pet sit for your parents, nor does he need to honor your commitments by moving into their house when that clearly doesn't work for him.   

And it seems like you aren't really willing to keep doing this anyway, so tell your parents it won't be possible and try to ignore any guilt or complaint they throw your way as a result. 

TootsNYC

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #20 on: May 01, 2013, 12:36:31 PM »
Does your DH have to get up every time the dog whines?

Can't he go back to sleep, if you go down and deal with the dog so that the dog is quiet?

There's no need for both of you to be up at the same time, is there?

There's also the idea of going to bed earlier.

johelenc1

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #21 on: May 01, 2013, 01:04:32 PM »
Is there more than one bedroom?  What if you slept in separate bedrooms and DF shut his door.  Then the animals could bother you  ;), and not him.

And, for the future...just say no:-)

Calistoga

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #22 on: May 01, 2013, 02:14:53 PM »
How long are your parents gone this time? May have been mentioned and I missed it.

I'd definitely not agree to house sit for more than a week, at most. If Mom and Dad want longer term vacations, that's fine, but they'll need to find longer term arrangements. They said they didn't trust anyone else with the keys...what does "house sitting" require? It sounds like you're just keeping an eye on the pets right now, and pets can be minded in a kennel. So if there's no necessity for someone to be in the home, they don't need to worry about someone else having keys.


Ginger G

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #23 on: May 01, 2013, 02:25:09 PM »
No, you don't owe your parents free petsitting, especially if it's a major inconvenience.  Next time, just say no, they need to hire a petsitter or board their pets somewhere reputable. 

Coincidentally, I am petsitting for my parents this week.  I don't mind doing it, I love their pets and they're not that much trouble.  My parents always offer to pay me, but I usually refuse it because they would return the favor if needed.  Back in the day when I had a roommate, I would just go stay at their house because it made things easier and I enjoyed having some alone time.  Now I live with my BF, so here is what we do...They have 1 dog and two cats.  The dog is very well-behaved and gets along fine with my cats, so she comes to our house and lives there with us for the week.  My parents only live about 10 minutes from us, so my BF and I take turns going by every day to check on the cats, get the mail etc.  My parents said we only really need to go by every other day, the cats have lots of food and will be fine, but I feel better checking on them every day.  I will be glad when they get back and our routine returns to normal though!

Promise

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #24 on: May 01, 2013, 02:30:03 PM »
Why not have your fiance just stay at his place? Both of you don't have to be there. You are the one who agreed to the situation. Did you say how long they will be gone? A week or two isn't an unreasonable time to housesit for family. If it's longer than you might need to develop your polite spine.

Lynn2000

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #25 on: May 01, 2013, 02:35:12 PM »
Some other things to try in the future--if you don't want to outright say no, could you deflect with, "Let me check my schedule and I'll get back to you"? Then the next day you tell them, in a regretful tone, that you can't do it during their chosen vacation times because you're doing a special project at work or going out of town yourself or hosting a guest or something. Of course, if they check with your schedule first and then plan their vacation, that wouldn't work, unless you can plausibly say something like, "Ooh, this summer isn't good for me," and stick to it.

Or, think about what would make things better if you did house- and pet-sit, and how much work you were willing to do for that. For example, you said the dogs weren't leash-trained--do your parents have something against it, or do they just not want to bother doing it themselves? If the latter, would it be feasible for you to train the dogs, or arrange for them to be trained? Would that help your situation substantially? Or, when I was growing up, our cat had its own room with its bed, food/water, and litterbox, which was separated from our bedrooms. We put the cat in there at night and it didn't bother us, get into anything, etc.. Could you try that with your parents' cats, maybe putting them in the laundry room or downstairs bathroom for the night with everything they need, so they won't wake you up?

Personally I think you should turn them down flat next time, but what works for me in theory may not work for you in practice, so I think you should focus on being proactive in ways that you feel comfortable with.
~Lynn2000

BeagleMommy

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #26 on: May 01, 2013, 03:15:31 PM »
OP, unfortunately there is no way you are going to be able to tell them no without them getting angry.  You describe your mother as a "martyr".  This is her way of controlling you.  "We did so much for you and you owe us your undivided time and attention.  Otherwise you are an ungrateful, spoiled brat".

Since you no longer live at home (I did read that, right?), the next time they say "We're going on vacation so you need to pet sit" (I'm guessing they never ask, just demand) your best best is to use "I'm sorry that won't be possible".

They will whine and carry on and try to guilt you into doing things their way.  You will need to polish your spine and keep telling them "It's just not possible".

Can your DF sleep in another room to try to avoid the noisy dogs/cats?

DavidH

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #27 on: May 01, 2013, 03:34:41 PM »
For this time, since you apparently agreed to watch the animals, you have to follow through on that.  You have a couple of options, work out a way that the animals disturb only you, have your DF go back to your flat to sleep, or just accept the lack of sleep associated with him staying with you.  If you are afraid to be alone or DF is afraid for you to stay there alone, then there really aren't any options.

One thing you should do is complete your move out, since as long as you're using their home as a storage unit, you kind of do owe them something. 

Once you and your stuff are gone, then they as, don't you think you owe us, answer honestly.  Your choices are, "No", "Yes, and I"ll house sit", or "Yes, but not enough that I'm willing to house sit".  It really does boil down to being that simple.  If you choose the third option, then at least explain to them why you are unable to house sit and watch their pets. 

blarg314

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #28 on: May 01, 2013, 08:33:46 PM »

I agree with other PPs that this time, you have to stick with it, and that if your DF insists on staying over to protect you when your parents are out of town, that's his own responsibility.

I also agree that if you are living with your parents (particularly if it's rent free) then being asked to pet-sit when they are away, even for annoying pets, is a very reasonable request.

If you're living on your own, it's a different story - then you can set limits like "I'll take the cats, but I can't manage the dogs", or "I can come over and feed/change the litterboxes/exercise the dogs, but I can't stay overnight", or even "That week's not a good one, you'll have to find other arrangements." Yes, it might still cause a fuss, or make your parents angry, but you're in a better position to do it at that point, because overnight pet-sitting will have become a big  favour, rather than a reasonable request.


sammycat

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Re: Between a rock and a hard place
« Reply #29 on: May 01, 2013, 09:31:52 PM »
I understand this is a stressful situation but honestly, your DF is choosing to stay there because he doesn't trust you to be safe as a adult, with 2 dogs in a home. Personally I wouldn't tolerate any complaints from someone who chooses to be miserable while simultaneously calling me incompetent. You lock the doors and be aware of your surroundings, of course, but surely other people spend time alone in houses and aren't all instantly victims.

I agree.