Between a rock and a hard place (update post 43)

[readingchick]

*hugs* to you, Last_Dance. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[bonyk]

Not engaging the crazy doesn't just apply to strangers.  When your parents come up with these wild situations that will happened if you don't help them out, don't engage or try to reason with them.  A simple, "Hmm," as a response doesn't give them enough to keep arguing.  Especially if it's all you ever respond.

[eee]

It's a very nice neighbourhood and my parents' furniture is expensive.
However, furniture thieves are more likely to target castles or museums (it happened) and frankly, the neighbours would notice a moving van in the middle of the night!

I feel like you need to take a hard look at which of these concerns and expectations are reasonable and which are unreasonable. Your parents presumably live in this house, unmolested, on a regular basis. Property thieves and vandals are a realistic worry for anyone, I know, but it seems like your parents have an extreme concern about this, which doesn't seem to have a realistic basis in fact and likelihood.

Steal stuff, steal furniture, break furniture? So you need to stay and protect the house. But then someone needs to stay to protect you? How can it possibly be so dangerous for you to stay the night there if your parents live there (safely)? And is it really likely that your parents' house would be an instant target for furniture thieves/vandals and people who would attack you in the night, if, like you said, this is a 'nice' neighbourhood?

If I were you I'd take a long look at what fears are grounded and what fears are more habitual and ingrained by exposure to years of your parents' beliefs. Being this worried because it's a detached house really doesn't sound reasonable to me.

ETA: What I mean by this is that it's helpful in distinguishing what your parents NEED versus what they WANT. They *want* you to stay in the house and your husband to stay in the house because it helps quell their anxieties. But I'd argue that they don't *need* you to do these things in order for the situation to be safe (as safe as any situation can be - life has risks.)

I find it very difficult when people create needs out of wants, because it then seems to give them a firmer basis to demand that you acquiesce to their wishes, pressuring you not to deny them something they *need* ...when really it's just something they want you to do.

[kherbert05]

So we talked to my parents. DF thinks it went well, I... am not so sure.

On the bright side, they had to listen and now can't pretend they don't know there's a problem.

On the downside, my father and DF had to grab some things from the garage, so as soon as they left I got ambushed by my mother and I wasn't very good at keeping calm.

Apparently, we are being "selfish" - please note: I offered to come and stay with the cats and dogs during the day, feed them and then go to sleep back home, but that's not good enough. We cannot possibly leave the house unattended by night because "somebody could break in and if they don't find anything to steal, they'll break our furniture". So I'm supposed to get my bones broken to protect their furniture. Nice to know that.

At this point I pointed out that if they want to treat me like a pet-sitter (i.e. tell me what to do, when to do it and expect me to do everything their way), they'll have to pay me. Cue: "Why we must always pay, nobody ever paid us for everything we did." Not my finest moment, I know.

There's absolutely no problem with the dogs, they're fine being confined in our garden and they don't need more attention. Leash training them and walking them a bit would not tire them. My parents can't possibly take the dogs with them on vacation because they (the dogs) are too delicate (that might be true, they did have a lot of health problems as puppies - about two years ago. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure they haven't seen a vet in about a year...) 

They thought taking in all the cats and dogs was a "shared decision" and "sacrifices must be made" - plus a couple of digs about "not abandoning our pets" (We never suggested that!!!).
When I tried to point out I didn't appreciate those digs, my mother said it's their problem and they'll deal with as they see fit. I'm afraid that means I won't get a say in any future decision concerning the pets.

In short, I am back to being a bad daughter and a terrible person. I'm getting sick and tired of being the designated scapegoat.

You aren't a bad daughter and you shouldn't be a scapegoat.


So you and your DF are supposed to leave your home  empty during the night and be broken into.


Yes sacrifices have to be made - but by the pet's owners not family members that live in other houses.

[sammycat]

You aren't a bad daughter and you shouldn't be a scapegoat.


So you and your DF are supposed to leave your home  empty during the night and be broken into.


Yes sacrifices have to be made - but by the pet's owners not family members that live in other houses.

My exact thoughts too.

OP's parents are beyond unreasonable.

[WillyNilly]

We cannot possibly leave the house unattended by night because "somebody could break in and if they don't find anything to steal, they'll break our furniture".

Um... or someone could invest less then $20 in a few timers and various lights, or even the TV throughout the house could be set to go on and off at specific times to give the appearance someone is home, moving about.

They thought taking in all the cats and dogs was a "shared decision" and "sacrifices must be made" - plus a couple of digs about "not abandoning our pets" (We never suggested that!!!).
When I tried to point out I didn't appreciate those digs, my mother said it's their problem and they'll deal with as they see fit. I'm afraid that means I won't get a say in any future decision concerning the pets.

If you move out and don't take any pets that are "yours" honestly it is perfectly fair, and to be expected I would think, that you don't have any real say in future decisions about the pets. They aren't your pets, or members of your household. The same reasons why you aren't responsible for them when your parents go away apply to everything else about these pets.

[Twik]

I agree with everyone else - the problem of the security of the parents' home can be dealt with much more easily than by disrupting the OP's life. In fact, if there is a risk of home break-ins in the area, an investment in a home security system would be a good idea, since one cannot guarantee the house will always have someone in it. Many burglars prefer to work during the day, when people are out of the house for work or shopping, and neighbors are likely to say, "Hmm, there's a van in the Patterson's driveway - they must be having something delivered."

Not to mention that really bad criminals would not be deterred by the presence of two elderly people. A home security system is a good investment in keeping the parents safe as well.

[delabela]

It sounds like your parents are still primarily thinking of you as their kid rather than an independently functioning adult.  It might be that there is a shift when you actually move out.  Stick to what you feel comfortable doing, and decline doing what you can't.  If you are inclined to do so, you could research pet sitters for them.  There are professional pet sitters that will stay overnight.

I want to say this next part as gently as possible - if you want to set boundaries, you shouldn't have any say in the decisions made about pets that don't live in your home.  You are taking the (appropriate and reasonable) stance that the pets in their home are their responsibility, and you can't really expect they will consult you on their care once you leave.  I get that there are emotions involved, though.

In short, you are certainly not a bad daughter or terrible person. 

[PastryGoddess]

So we talked to my parents. DF thinks it went well, I... am not so sure.

On the bright side, they had to listen and now can't pretend they don't know there's a problem.

On the downside, my father and DF had to grab some things from the garage, so as soon as they left I got ambushed by my mother and I wasn't very good at keeping calm.

Apparently, we are being "selfish" - please note: I offered to come and stay with the cats and dogs during the day, feed them and then go to sleep back home, but that's not good enough. We cannot possibly leave the house unattended by night because "somebody could break in and if they don't find anything to steal, they'll break our furniture". So I'm supposed to get my bones broken to protect their furniture. Nice to know that.

At this point I pointed out that if they want to treat me like a pet-sitter (i.e. tell me what to do, when to do it and expect me to do everything their way), they'll have to pay me. Cue: "Why we must always pay, nobody ever paid us for everything we did." Not my finest moment, I know.

There's absolutely no problem with the dogs, they're fine being confined in our garden and they don't need more attention. Leash training them and walking them a bit would not tire them. My parents can't possibly take the dogs with them on vacation because they (the dogs) are too delicate (that might be true, they did have a lot of health problems as puppies - about two years ago. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure they haven't seen a vet in about a year...) 

They thought taking in all the cats and dogs was a "shared decision" and "sacrifices must be made" - plus a couple of digs about "not abandoning our pets" (We never suggested that!!!).
When I tried to point out I didn't appreciate those digs, my mother said it's their problem and they'll deal with as they see fit. I'm afraid that means I won't get a say in any future decision concerning the pets.

In short, I am back to being a bad daughter and a terrible person. I'm getting sick and tired of being the designated scapegoat.

Please see Art2K's post on Magic Words. There is nothing that you can SAY to your parents to get them to understand.  However, simply by living your boundaries and not talking it to death, you can train your parents to stop trying to run roughshod over you. If you start enforcing the boundaries now, you'll have a much easier time in the future.


Whenever your parents don't get their way, you will be a bad person..period.  You can feel bad about it OR you can say okay and move on.  Your parents can either die mad or get over it.  If they die mad...well that's not your problem.  If they get over it..hey great!

[nolechica]

I live with my parents and they aren't unrealistic.  When I said their puppy wasn't well-trained enough for me to handle (still isn't), they take her with them.  I feed the cats, but I stay in my garage apt, not the main house while they are gone.

Your parents are un reasonable to want you to stay there, with DF (when will he be DH?) without compensation.

[blarg314]

When I tried to point out I didn't appreciate those digs, my mother said it's their problem and they'll deal with as they see fit. I'm afraid that means I won't get a say in any future decision concerning the pets.

I think this is an either situation. Either they aren't your pets and you aren't responsible for them, which means that you don't get any say in decisions concerning them, or they are partially your pets, which means that you get a say in the decisions, but are also then a part owner, which would generally include things like taking care of the pets for free. You don't get to both remove yourself from the responsibility and get a say in what your parents do with the pets.

So once you've fully moved out, then you can tell your parents that you aren't available to house/pet sit the pets and it's up to them to hire a house-sitter if they're worried about the safety of their belongings. And then back off the pets completely and let your parents handle all the decisions and care, and don't comment or criticize.

[Last_Dance]

When I tried to point out I didn't appreciate those digs, my mother said it's their problem and they'll deal with as they see fit. I'm afraid that means I won't get a say in any future decision concerning the pets.

I think this is an either situation. Either they aren't your pets and you aren't responsible for them, which means that you don't get any say in decisions concerning them, or they are partially your pets, which means that you get a say in the decisions, but are also then a part owner, which would generally include things like taking care of the pets for free. You don't get to both remove yourself from the responsibility and get a say in what your parents do with the pets.

So once you've fully moved out, then you can tell your parents that you aren't available to house/pet sit the pets and it's up to them to hire a house-sitter if they're worried about the safety of their belongings. And then back off the pets completely and let your parents handle all the decisions and care, and don't comment or criticize.

I'll try to stay out of it, though it won't be easy.

That bit was mostly about my mother trying to have it both ways: first she insisted I had agreed to adopting all the pets, so I had to do my part in watching them, then she said they were not my problem when I said I didn't like her digs about being abandoning them.
(Thinking about it now, that sounds extremely manipulative of her - or is it just me?)

For the record: the first time we discussed adopting the dogs and Cat3, I voted no. My parents eventually convinced me to change my vote to "yes" because we had a lot of space, no one else would take them and did I want them to die?

[Bethalize]

That bit was mostly about my mother trying to have it both ways: first she insisted I had agreed to adopting all the pets, so I had to do my part in watching them, then she said they were not my problem when I said I didn't like her digs about being abandoning them.
(Thinking about it now, that sounds extremely manipulative of her - or is it just me?)

Nope, not just you.

Conflicting messages that put you in a no-win situation are a trademark of several varieties of *ahem* difficult parent. Disengage, recentre and hold firm.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Amusing how "sacrifices" that "must be made" don't include not taking vacations where they can't take the animals.

[DavidH]

"They thought taking in all the cats and dogs was a "shared decision" and "sacrifices must be made" - plus a couple of digs about "not abandoning our pets" (We never suggested that!!!).
When I tried to point out I didn't appreciate those digs, my mother said it's their problem and they'll deal with as they see fit. I'm afraid that means I won't get a say in any future decision concerning the pets."

For the above it's one or the other.  Shared pet you get a say in decisions, but you need to pet sit for free when they are gone.  Not shared pet, you don't have a say in future decisions, but don't have to pet sit.  There really isn't a middle option.

I have to say, the fears around the house are unusual.  You are afraid to be there alone.  Your parents live there, but are afraid that if the house is left alone overnight someone will come in and break the furniture.  On the other hand, you say it's a nice neighborhood.

I'd consider lights on a timer, a security system, or even moving if nighttime home invasions are common in the area.  You might consider suggesting those options to your parents.  If they say that's all unnecessary, then it is also not necessary for you to stay overnight to guard the furniture.