General Etiquette > Life...in general

Does invited to join in plans mean you can change them to suit yourself?

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Felica:
I know that when you invite someone to do something with you then etiquette says you do your best to make sure they are accomodated and happy, but at what point do they become rude for trying to change your plans to suit themselves?

Here's a scenario as an example. I decide to go to a neighboring town to see a particular movie on a certain day and while I am there, I want to eat at a certain restaurant that I only get to eat at when in that town.

I speak to a relative on the phone, say Cousin Mary. I mention in the course of conversation to Mary that I am going to see X movie and eat at x restaurant on Saturday. Mary says, "Oh, I want to see that movie!"

Thinking I am being a good cousin, I say, "Well, you are welcome to come with me if you like." Mary enthusiastically agrees.

But you warn Mary, "Listen, I can't leave home til 2 pm because I'm waiting on a package and mail runs around 1:30 on Saturday. Also, I have to be back home by 8:30 because my in-laws are comming over then and I promised DH I would be here. I have my time alloted to arrive at the theater and see the 3:15 show and I'm making reservations at the restaurant to sit down and eat at 6pm. That way we
can leave by about 7pm or so and I"ll be home in time for our company. I'm on a pretty tight schedule that day. Is that ok with you?"

Mary says yes so I go ahead and fandango tickets and make reservations.

Then Saturday gets here, we ride together and Mary goes with me to the movie as planned. But after the movie Mary wants to run to a nearby mall to go in a store to 'pick some thing up'. I protest politely because of dinner reservations but she claims it will only take a minute. She is my guest, so I reluctantly say ok. Of couse we miss our reservations because it's the mall on Saturday evening. Then Mary claims she didn't want to eat there anyway, she wants to eat at "BIG FANCY RESTAURANT". I explain to her that I really can't eat there as I only have a certain amout alloted for funds for this trip, and because I know BFR will be hugely crowded and we can't wait if I am to make it home on time.

In the end, we end up eating fast food on the way home because I can't wait any longer and put my foot down about being late for my company. Mary pouts and I quietly steam.

At the end of this scenario, obviously, I'm never going to invite Mary along again. But what I want to know is this: When you invite someone along for a loosely planned day, say "Let's go shopping', then the plans are open to interpretation and can be changed. But when you invite someone along to something specific, and let them know before hand you have a specific timeline and plan, who is rude, you for not accomodating your guest's wishes, or them for trying to change things after they've been warned they need to run a specific way?

In the above scenario, (Which I made up, to illustrate) if Mary had said she wanted to eat at Y restaurant instead of X and go to Z shop, I'd have said we'd have to plan something together another time because that wouldn't fit in my plans for that day. But what do you do when you don't know until the moment?

ShadesOfGrey:

--- Quote from: Foxxyfox on January 07, 2007, 09:27:40 AM ---I know that when you invite someone to do something with you then etiquette says you do your best to make sure they are accomodated and happy, but at what point do they become rude for trying to change your plans to suit themselves?

At the end of this scenario, obviously, I'm never going to invite Mary along again.
--- End quote ---

First, you simply stand your ground about the time and general budget, but if there is another restaurant that fits the general bill of the original plans, I say go for it.  You offer to take her home if she no longer wants to go with the plan that is within XX budget or XX time frame.  Yes that may mean that you have to miss your dinner plans, and it's unfair, but such is life, and you have learned a lesson about cousin mary's behavior. 

Also, I am not a big fan of saying "never again" after 1 or 2 infractions (barring that the behavior is completely egregious).  I prefer to keep those for long-term patterns of poor behavior.  Sometimes friends (real friends) need a couple of chances.

Venus193:
This scenario, as you have described it, demonstrates passive-aggressive behavior.  She agrees to your plans until you are at the point of execution and changes them, making you "captive."

Nothing short of an emergency (like getting a prescription) should change plans you've made here if you are the host.  Had she not wanted to dine at the place of your choice, she should have said something up front.  Following that up with a wish to dine at the Big Fancy Restaurant would only have been acceptable if she were offering to foot the bill. 

If this person has done this more than once, I say you don't need her.

Lisbeth:
I think that you had every right to say, "Mary, when I extended you the invitation, I told you that my time and budget were fixed.  You agreed to those conditions.  I don't appreciate your complaining about the plans and demanding that I change them after the fact.  I am going to stick with the original plans, and you can shop and eat at Big Fancy Restaurant on your own time and dollar.  If you still don't agree with that, you are welcome to leave now."

T'Mar of Vulcan:
What about when someone invites you to ride with them, tells you the plans, and then changes them when it's too late to get another ride?

This has happened to me quite a few times already. One example that stands out in my mind is when our staff went out for lunch a year or so ago.My friend Selma offered to let me ride with her, saying that we wouldn't be out too late. "We'll just eat and then make our excuses and leave. We should be home by four if we leave at half past three {in the afternoon}." I said, "That's great; thanks! I want to be home before five so I can watch Angel {Angel was on at 5 p.m. here on Fridays before it was cancelled}."

So when we got there, 3:30 came and went, then 3:40. I finally said, "Um, didn't you want to leave?" Selma sits there and says, "No, I'm enjoying socializing! I think we'll stay longer." I said, "But you said we'd leave at 3:30 and it's nearly 3:45 already. If we wait until after four, we'll hit traffic and never get home before five." Another friend, Lauren, turns to me and says, "You won't die if you miss Angel. We're staying!!"

So I was stuck there for another two freaking hours and didn't enjoy myself at all. I felt rather miffed, but I didn't complain any further because it would have been whining, and she was doing me a favour giving me a ride.

These days before accepting rides I ask numerous times, "Are we leaving at X time? Are you sure? You won't want to stay longer? If you do, you won't get upset if I ride with someone else?" etc. I think it's rude to change plans once they're made, even if you think the other person's plans are trivial (like my wanting to watch Angel - they don't rerun stuff here, so if you miss it, you miss it).

Was I right to be miffed about that?

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