Author Topic: You don't like that.  (Read 7915 times)

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cross_patch

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #15 on: May 03, 2013, 07:06:51 PM »
I swear, I didn't prompt him at all.

I would hope not, that was not a very polite thing to say. I get that it's annoying when you are trying out a different diet - my in-law's table is always laden with things I am trying to avoid - but a simple, "I've found I actually like this, thanks" is a fine way to respond. The "interesting assumption" comes off as overly defensive.

I wonder, though, if what prompted him to say it was the "interesting assumption" not about what he liked and didn't like, but the one about how he is just a passive man-child who just eats whatever his wife puts in front of him, whether he likes the food or not, and can't speak up for himself.  Or maybe the one about how his wife just gives him food and doesn't care if he likes it or not, and basically says "You can't get up from the table until you have cleaned your plate".


Wait, where is this assumption made anywhere? As I read it, the husband didn't previously like chickpeas, his brother (mildly, in my opinion) commented, and the husband reacted defensively? I think you are hugely reading into it.

But I don't see in the OP where it says that he previously didn't like chickpeas, either.  My DH won't eat many things that he's never tried.  There are things that I won't eat that I've never tried, due to either being told that I won't like it or proximity to other things I don't like.  If I were to suddenly have to drastically change my diet, I'd probably be open to trying some of these things, just to add variety.  Further, OP's DH was serving himself.  He was not eating off of a plate that had been handed to him full where he might not know the contents of his plate.  To tell an adult what they should and should not put on their own plate is rather rude (unless BIL was warning that there was a known allergen in the dish).

The bil didn't tell him what to put on his plate either, and that's not even a reasonable thing to extrapolate from that. The BIL just commented, based on his past knowledge of his brother that he didn't like that. A pretty normal thing to say to a family member, and the OP's DH reacted really snappily and quite rudely.

wolfie

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #16 on: May 03, 2013, 08:08:41 PM »
I swear, I didn't prompt him at all.

I would hope not, that was not a very polite thing to say. I get that it's annoying when you are trying out a different diet - my in-law's table is always laden with things I am trying to avoid - but a simple, "I've found I actually like this, thanks" is a fine way to respond. The "interesting assumption" comes off as overly defensive.

I wonder, though, if what prompted him to say it was the "interesting assumption" not about what he liked and didn't like, but the one about how he is just a passive man-child who just eats whatever his wife puts in front of him, whether he likes the food or not, and can't speak up for himself.  Or maybe the one about how his wife just gives him food and doesn't care if he likes it or not, and basically says "You can't get up from the table until you have cleaned your plate".


Wait, where is this assumption made anywhere? As I read it, the husband didn't previously like chickpeas, his brother (mildly, in my opinion) commented, and the husband reacted defensively? I think you are hugely reading into it.

But I don't see in the OP where it says that he previously didn't like chickpeas, either.  My DH won't eat many things that he's never tried.  There are things that I won't eat that I've never tried, due to either being told that I won't like it or proximity to other things I don't like.  If I were to suddenly have to drastically change my diet, I'd probably be open to trying some of these things, just to add variety.  Further, OP's DH was serving himself.  He was not eating off of a plate that had been handed to him full where he might not know the contents of his plate.  To tell an adult what they should and should not put on their own plate is rather rude (unless BIL was warning that there was a known allergen in the dish).

The bil didn't tell him what to put on his plate either, and that's not even a reasonable thing to extrapolate from that. The BIL just commented, based on his past knowledge of his brother that he didn't like that. A pretty normal thing to say to a family member, and the OP's DH reacted really snappily and quite rudely.

I think it is quite rude to tell someone what they do and don't like. I think I am a much better judge of that then anyone else could possibly be. There is nothing more infuriating then being told that you don't know yourself as well as someone else does.

pharmagal

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #17 on: May 03, 2013, 08:51:25 PM »
I think it is quite rude to tell someone what they do and don't like. I think I am a much better judge of that then anyone else could possibly be. There is nothing more infuriating then being told that you don't know yourself as well as someone else does.

But the BIL would have previous knowledge to draw on to make that statement.  If I were to suddenly start eating duck in front of my brother, he too would be able to confidently state that "you don't like that" because to the best of his knowledge, I don't like duck.  If I hadn't seen him for a while he wouldn't know that my tastes have changed for whatever reason.    And it's not a subject that we're going to discuss in a phone call. 

WillyNilly

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #18 on: May 03, 2013, 09:19:43 PM »
I think it is quite rude to tell someone what they do and don't like. I think I am a much better judge of that then anyone else could possibly be. There is nothing more infuriating then being told that you don't know yourself as well as someone else does.

But the BIL would have previous knowledge to draw on to make that statement.  If I were to suddenly start eating duck in front of my brother, he too would be able to confidently state that "you don't like that" because to the best of his knowledge, I don't like duck.  If I hadn't seen him for a while he wouldn't know that my tastes have changed for whatever reason.    And it's not a subject that we're going to discuss in a phone call.

No at best your brother could say "I thought you didn't like that?" or question "so when did you start liking duck?" 

At no point can a persons brother say without room for failure what their sibling definitively does and does not like. Because "likes" are not facts, they are opinions. And opinions change. Especially a sibling who doesn't live with them and who isn't close enough to/eat with them often enough to know about a major change in diet.

pharmagal

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #19 on: May 03, 2013, 09:28:59 PM »

No at best your brother could say "I thought you didn't like that?" or question "so when did you start liking duck?" 

At no point can a persons brother say without room for failure what their sibling definitively does and does not like. Because "likes" are not facts, they are opinions. And opinions change. Especially a sibling who doesn't live with them and who isn't close enough to/eat with them often enough to know about a major change in diet.

And maybe that's the tone the BIL used. 

However, at the end of the day, I still believe that the OP's DH was rude.  His retort was unnecessarily rude.  It's his brother for goodness sake, couldn't he have just said something like "I do now?"  Or make a joke about it.   After all, not every exchange with family has to be toxic.

Winterlight

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2013, 09:53:07 PM »

No at best your brother could say "I thought you didn't like that?" or question "so when did you start liking duck?" 

At no point can a persons brother say without room for failure what their sibling definitively does and does not like. Because "likes" are not facts, they are opinions. And opinions change. Especially a sibling who doesn't live with them and who isn't close enough to/eat with them often enough to know about a major change in diet.

And maybe that's the tone the BIL used. 

However, at the end of the day, I still believe that the OP's DH was rude.  His retort was unnecessarily rude.  It's his brother for goodness sake, couldn't he have just said something like "I do now?"  Or make a joke about it.   After all, not every exchange with family has to be toxic.

Agreed. A simple, "Oh, I do now that I've gotten used to them," would have been fine. Calling a mild statement an interesting assumption was snippy.
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cross_patch

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #21 on: May 03, 2013, 10:23:13 PM »

No at best your brother could say "I thought you didn't like that?" or question "so when did you start liking duck?" 

At no point can a persons brother say without room for failure what their sibling definitively does and does not like. Because "likes" are not facts, they are opinions. And opinions change. Especially a sibling who doesn't live with them and who isn't close enough to/eat with them often enough to know about a major change in diet.

And maybe that's the tone the BIL used. 

However, at the end of the day, I still believe that the OP's DH was rude.  His retort was unnecessarily rude.  It's his brother for goodness sake, couldn't he have just said something like "I do now?"  Or make a joke about it.   After all, not every exchange with family has to be toxic.

Agreed. A simple, "Oh, I do now that I've gotten used to them," would have been fine. Calling a mild statement an interesting assumption was snippy.

Pharmagal and winterlight both summed it up perfectly.

wolfie

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #22 on: May 03, 2013, 10:31:47 PM »

No at best your brother could say "I thought you didn't like that?" or question "so when did you start liking duck?" 

At no point can a persons brother say without room for failure what their sibling definitively does and does not like. Because "likes" are not facts, they are opinions. And opinions change. Especially a sibling who doesn't live with them and who isn't close enough to/eat with them often enough to know about a major change in diet.

And maybe that's the tone the BIL used. 

However, at the end of the day, I still believe that the OP's DH was rude.  His retort was unnecessarily rude.  It's his brother for goodness sake, couldn't he have just said something like "I do now?"  Or make a joke about it.   After all, not every exchange with family has to be toxic.

Agreed. A simple, "Oh, I do now that I've gotten used to them," would have been fine. Calling a mild statement an interesting assumption was snippy.

I don't see it as a mild statement. I remember the last time my mom told me I liked something that i didn't. I still can't believe we had an argument about it - I would think that my statement that I didn't like it would be good enough but no - she was convinced that I did. And I don't see that as friendly and mild. My likes and dislikes are mine and telling me that I am wrong about them is not a friendly statement. I am wondering it the OP's husband had a similar memory and he shut it down quickly.

Miss Tickle

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2013, 11:51:40 PM »
It's interesting to see how people have taken this. 

BIL reacted to DH's "new" allergy/diet extremely defensively. All three of us were surprised he said anything like that at all, since it was completely unprompted in regards to the conversation, and with a "You stupid, I know you better than you!" tone of voice. DH's reply and tone were pretty mild considering.  I didn't want to get into the underlying cause, as it might not be relevant, but maybe I should? There's been family drama recently that we thought prompted the statement, but it has nothing to do with food.

I just thought is was amusing enough to post. I guess that was pretty stupid, but if that wasn't the time to say those exact words, well, I don't know what would have been.

Nikko-chan

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #24 on: May 04, 2013, 12:15:34 AM »
It's interesting to see how people have taken this. 

BIL reacted to DH's "new" allergy/diet extremely defensively. All three of us were surprised he said anything like that at all, since it was completely unprompted in regards to the conversation, and with a "You stupid, I know you better than you!" tone of voice. DH's reply and tone were pretty mild considering.  I didn't want to get into the underlying cause, as it might not be relevant, but maybe I should? There's been family drama recently that we thought prompted the statement, but it has nothing to do with food.

I just thought is was amusing enough to post. I guess that was pretty stupid, but if that wasn't the time to say those exact words, well, I don't know what would have been.

I have been following this thread, and while I was reading it I thought something like that might be the case. If BIL was defensive and it was said in that manner, I think that your DH did okay.

That does have me wondering though. In situations like this, is there anything else one might say?

pharmagal

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #25 on: May 04, 2013, 03:25:49 AM »
It's interesting to see how people have taken this. 

BIL reacted to DH's "new" allergy/diet extremely defensively. All three of us were surprised he said anything like that at all, since it was completely unprompted in regards to the conversation, and with a "You stupid, I know you better than you!" tone of voice. DH's reply and tone were pretty mild considering.  I didn't want to get into the underlying cause, as it might not be relevant, but maybe I should? There's been family drama recently that we thought prompted the statement, but it has nothing to do with food.

I just thought is was amusing enough to post. I guess that was pretty stupid, but if that wasn't the time to say those exact words, well, I don't know what would have been.  If he had said something about you trying to poison his brother with the chickpeas, then sure that was the time.

I have been following this thread, and while I was reading it I thought something like that might be the case. If BIL was defensive and it was said in that manner, I think that your DH did okay.

That does have me wondering though. In situations like this, is there anything else one might say?How about "Oh sure, I never used to but ever since I cut wheat out I've been trying and liking lots of foods I didn't use to like."

I have a rather passive/aggressive friend who tends to be more on the aggressive side, but even when she's going through one of her "moments" I don't assign the worst motives.
« Last Edit: February 22, 2014, 04:30:48 AM by enjoIi »

Hmmmmm

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #26 on: May 04, 2013, 08:11:29 AM »
It's interesting to see how people have taken this. 

BIL reacted to DH's "new" allergy/diet extremely defensively. All three of us were surprised he said anything like that at all, since it was completely unprompted in regards to the conversation, and with a "You stupid, I know you better than you!" tone of voice. DH's reply and tone were pretty mild considering.  I didn't want to get into the underlying cause, as it might not be relevant, but maybe I should? There's been family drama recently that we thought prompted the statement, but it has nothing to do with food.

I just thought is was amusing enough to post. I guess that was pretty stupid, but if that wasn't the time to say those exact words, well, I don't know what would have been.

In reading your original post, my first thought was "it wasn't an assumption, comment was based on experience." But then I wondered if BILs comment was made in a tone to dissuade your DH from trying it.

Momiitz

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #27 on: May 04, 2013, 09:54:20 AM »
I think your husbands use of the phrase was just fine. Not rude at all.

RooRoo

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #28 on: May 04, 2013, 09:55:09 AM »
Momiitz, I agree. After all, Miss Tickle said in the OP,
Quote
They feel the need to point out that DH doesn't eat this or that in a way that implied I'm feeding him things he dislikes.
That's enough for me.
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wolfie

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Re: You don't like that.
« Reply #29 on: May 04, 2013, 09:59:18 AM »
It's interesting to see how people have taken this. 

BIL reacted to DH's "new" allergy/diet extremely defensively. All three of us were surprised he said anything like that at all, since it was completely unprompted in regards to the conversation, and with a "You stupid, I know you better than you!" tone of voice. DH's reply and tone were pretty mild considering.  I didn't want to get into the underlying cause, as it might not be relevant, but maybe I should? There's been family drama recently that we thought prompted the statement, but it has nothing to do with food.

I just thought is was amusing enough to post. I guess that was pretty stupid, but if that wasn't the time to say those exact words, well, I don't know what would have been.

In reading your original post, my first thought was "it wasn't an assumption, comment was based on experience." But then I wondered if BILs comment was made in a tone to dissuade your DH from trying it.
Unless the OP's husband stated he didn't like chickpeas it was an assumption. A comment based on experience means that you see the person not eating something and assume that means they don't like it.  And you might be wrong. For example I avoid curry so you would naturally assume I don't like it. But I love it - I think it tastes great - it just makes me spend all night in the bathroom. So telling me that I don't like curry is not a statement of fact just because you never see me eat it.