Author Topic: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister  (Read 4615 times)

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Kaypeep

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I just read today's Ask Amy and I'm very frustrated after reading her reply to the last letter writer.  The link to the column is here:

http://www.denverpost.com/askamy/ci_23151395/ask-amy-mother-not-sure-how-address-sons

Basically, the LW says a neighborhood teen has done his yard work for a long time, but is now leaving to go to college.  He wants to give the kid a gift but is wondering about what do do about the teen's twin sister, who LW has only met a few times and doens't know very well.  LW wonders if they are obligated to give the twin a gift as well.  Amy says to give the twin sister a modest gift and the lawncare guy an extra something for his hard work.

I totally disagree and this reply really bothers me.  Why should the LW have to give a gift to the sister who they barely know and who has not done anything for them to warrant getting a gift?    I think Amy blew it with this one.  What do you think?

Wittyone

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2013, 10:30:33 AM »
I read that too and completely agree with you.  Amy got the answer all wrong.  I see no reason to give a gift to someone they hardly know, just so they can give one to the boy who matters to them.  This is the same mindset that says you must bring a gift for all siblings on one's birthday just so they won't feel left out.  These twins are graduating high school, it's time they learn, if they haven't already, that you don't get something from everyone just because your sibling does.
California

Calistoga

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2013, 10:32:01 AM »
Yeah, no. I don't see any reason why he would need to give a nearly stranger a gift. Just because they're twins doesn't mean they share EVERYTHING.

Look at it from another view. If this wasn't his twin, but a similarly aged step sister, would a gift be necessary?

delabela

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2013, 10:52:17 AM »
Well, as a twin, I disagree that this is the same as giving a gift to all siblings on one sibling's birthday.  The sister is graduating too, after all.  I think it would be gracious for him to give her a card to acknowledge her achievement, since she is not a complete stranger. 

Hmmmmm

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2013, 10:56:39 AM »
Well, as a twin, I disagree that this is the same as giving a gift to all siblings on one sibling's birthday.  The sister is graduating too, after all.  I think it would be gracious for him to give her a card to acknowledge her achievement, since she is not a complete stranger.

I don't think a gift is at all necessary for the sister. But a card would be nice but I don't even think that is obligatory.

Lynn2000

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2013, 10:59:16 AM »
I looked at the letter and I don't think the situation is that bad. The LW says they've met the twin sister "several times" but don't know her well; and also that their plan is to give the brother "a check for graduation." Amy counters that they should give the twins each a "modest" gift for graduation, then separately give the boy a "bonus" for his work for them; and she also suggests that they wait and give him this bonus gift not at graduation time, but rather just before he leaves for college (so, maybe at the end of the summer).

I think that sounds like a good idea. If they were totally unacquainted with the sister, it wouldn't be odd to give her nothing and her brother a check for $100; but since they do know her, and seem to be planning on giving her something as a graduation gift ("Should our gift to her be the same amount?"), it would be weird to give the brother a check for $100 and the sister a check for only $15 (or whatever).

I think it avoids awkwardness to give them both identical "words of wisdom for recent graduates" books (my dad's favorite graduation gift), and then later on, at a separate occasion, to give the brother a check with a nice note about how much they appreciate what he's done for them and how well they think of him.
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FoxPaws

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2013, 11:05:33 AM »
Gosh! Amy got it wrong...again.  ::)

They owe the sister nothing. Something about giving her a token gift seems condescending to me - like they're making it plain they don't think she's mature enough to understand she doesn't have the same relationship with these people that her brother does.

He is their employee. She is not. Let's say he worked in a restaurant or store and his manager decided to give him a gift - would people really expect the sister to get one too, just because she'd eaten or shopped there a few times?
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siamesecat2965

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2013, 11:11:01 AM »
Gosh! Amy got it wrong...again.  ::)

They owe the sister nothing. Something about giving her a token gift seems condescending to me - like they're making it plain they don't think she's mature enough to understand she doesn't have the same relationship with these people that her brother does.

He is their employee. She is not. Let's say he worked in a restaurant or store and his manager decided to give him a gift - would people really expect the sister to get one too, just because she'd eaten or shopped there a few times?

POD. and what if the tables were turned, and the sister had say babysat for the LW's kids regularly for several years, but they only knew the twin brother slightly. I can see them giving the sister a gift for graduation, but not the brother, since the sister is the one they know, and have employed. I babysat my entire senior year every wed night for my neighbor's son and his wife, while they had date night.

when i graduated, they gave me a lovely necklace, and card. but if i had a twin, i wouldn't have expected them to give anything to him or her.

*inviteseller

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2013, 11:15:57 AM »
The boy is her 'employee' basically so it is nice to give him something to celebrate, but she is under no obligation to give anything to the sister who she doesn't know.  Personally, I would, if I were the twin sister, be uncomfortable getting something from a stranger simply for the mere fact my brother works for the woman.  The answer falls into the hated "everyone gets a prize" category.  Just because they are twins doesn't mean everything has to be even, especially now as they are on the verge of adulthood. 

Redneck Gravy

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2013, 11:46:40 AM »
I read that too and completely agree with you.  Amy got the answer all wrong.  I see no reason to give a gift to someone they hardly know, just so they can give one to the boy who matters to them.  This is the same mindset that says you must bring a gift for all siblings on one's birthday just so they won't feel left out.  These twins are graduating high school, it's time they learn, if they haven't already, that you don't get something from everyone just because your sibling does.


Pod


Winterlight

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2013, 12:00:33 PM »
I think a card would be fine if they wish to give the sister something, but they don't have to.
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Aquamarine

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2013, 12:52:56 PM »
I too thought her answer was dumb.  These are not 4 year old kids we're talking about!
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bah12

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #12 on: May 03, 2013, 01:03:58 PM »
I looked at the letter and I don't think the situation is that bad. The LW says they've met the twin sister "several times" but don't know her well; and also that their plan is to give the brother "a check for graduation." Amy counters that they should give the twins each a "modest" gift for graduation, then separately give the boy a "bonus" for his work for them; and she also suggests that they wait and give him this bonus gift not at graduation time, but rather just before he leaves for college (so, maybe at the end of the summer).

I think that sounds like a good idea. If they were totally unacquainted with the sister, it wouldn't be odd to give her nothing and her brother a check for $100; but since they do know her, and seem to be planning on giving her something as a graduation gift ("Should our gift to her be the same amount?"), it would be weird to give the brother a check for $100 and the sister a check for only $15 (or whatever).

I think it avoids awkwardness to give them both identical "words of wisdom for recent graduates" books (my dad's favorite graduation gift), and then later on, at a separate occasion, to give the brother a check with a nice note about how much they appreciate what he's done for them and how well they think of him.

I agree with this.  They do know both twins, just that they know one better than another.  I think to give a graduation gift to one and not the other is glaring.  If they have no desire to gift the twin, then they should not gift either.  They can give the twin that works for them a bonus check tied to his work and not his graduation in that case.

That said, I think Amy's suggestion of giving each of them a modest gift for graduation and a bonus gift to the twin that works for them later, is a good one. 


Sharnita

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #13 on: May 03, 2013, 01:34:32 PM »
I think the fact that they are neighors means that the relationship does extend beyond just the boy. Certainly he is the closest and strongest relationship so he would get a more significant gify bit his sister still is a neighbor so it seems odd not to fo something to acknowledge her achievement too.

*inviteseller

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Re: Disagreeing with "Ask Amy" Graduation gift for twin sister
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2013, 01:52:40 PM »
I think the fact that they are neighors means that the relationship does extend beyond just the boy. Certainly he is the closest and strongest relationship so he would get a more significant gify bit his sister still is a neighbor so it seems odd not to fo something to acknowledge her achievement too.

They live in the neighborhood (as opposed IMO to being neighbors) and LW has only met her a few times.  If she gives to this girl for the sake of neighborly friendliness, then she will be opening her checkbook open for all the kids in the neighborhood.  If LW was friends with the family, sure give a gift to both, but as she has a boss/employee relationship with only the boy, I see no problem with only gifting the boy.  I don't allow people to give gifts to my kids for the others birthday or achievements when they only know one of them (ex older DD's best friends dad did get my DD a small gift for her birthday one year and gave it to her at the party.  He knows my other DD only as DD's sister and even though her birthday was only 4 days later, he did not gift her and no one thought that was out of line)